[Linny]

Quickly reading through this thread now, but is there a difference between this 'commando parenting' (cute phrase, by the way)......and....isn't it Nancy Thomas who talks about 'Basic German Shepard'?????
And, if so, isn't Basic German Shepard where the child may be in time out, but is directed to sit RIGHT NEXT to the mom, has to follow EVERYWHERE with the mom, etc?

I'm just curious, and certainly not saying that either is wrong. I'm just wondering if they are basically the same thing?

Sincerely,

Linny

[aspenhall]

Commando Parenting is turning behavior boundaries into electric fences...basically.

I haven't read Nancy Thomas, but what you describe sounds like a Time-In.

Commando Parenting is my own little "thing". It started because I was getting taken advantage of and manioulated left and right and I was watching her do the same to everyone else. Any attempt at correction, or redirection was met with beligerance and retaliation. I was in a WAR with my child....a 4 yr old child....and the 4 yr old was WINNING. She had effectivelt figured out all of my and my DH's "buttons" and was using them to her full advantage.

I simply had had enough. So I resolved to "out-stubborn" her. (since my own mother lost the parenting battle due to a lack of staying power)
I started to watch her like a hawk. to the exclusion of all else. There was ZERO leeway or tolerance and each infraction and retaliation would only make me come down harder on her...and the consequences would escalate. She viewed my patience as a weakness, so I decided not to have patience. My husband (the most kind understanding and patient guy ever) was appalled at how I was handling things and tried to "shock" me by telling me I was acting like a "commando mom". It was as if a light went off in my head and I wrapped myself in the term and used it's definitions to determine my reactions in every circumstance.

Basically you cannot ignore ANY disrespect in ANY form. The rules are black and white and NOT up for discussion. Whining and trying to weasel around the rules are not okay and have consequences. For example
She asks to watch a movie. I say no (for whatever reason, always a fair one). If she whines and pouts I warn her with a STERN face and voice that "that is not okay" and if she continues (even for a few seconds longer) she will be grounded from movies and TV for tomorrow as well. Then I follow thru with my threats....ALL OF THEM. I never go back on my word.

The point is to stick to your guns. Never use empty threats, and make the line BLACK AND WHITE when it comes to boundaries so that there is no confusion.

Start by simply following thru. You will feel like a warden in a lock down facility. But it needs to start there. Then make sure that EVERY SINGLE INFRACTION has a consequence and beyond all else, show ZERO anger. Be very matter of fact....

[Linny]

I fully understand this type of parenting. We have had a RAD son for four years...who eventually went into residential and has remained there for almost seven years (he'll be aging out into another facility). We also had another son for seven years who had attachment issues and is still working on those.....
But, I know what you mean.....it's totally exhausting, and I hope that you have more success than we did. I know you'll have a better chance, as your daughter is only four. Our one son was much older when he came and time had basically run out....

Best of luck to you....

Sincerely,

Linny

[aspenhall]

An update, dd is FULLY and SECURELY attached. I haven't witnessed and abnormally manipulative behaviors for a few months now. I had a talk with her about "control" and used a "driving a car" scenario. It clicked and she gave up control 100% to us the very next day.

Then I noticed her perfectionism was making her depressed, so we had a talk about that too. And AGAIN the very next day she had done a 180 and was completely and totally happy/giggly/regular kid stuff kind of child. In fact, she is better behaved now than I ever could have dreamed possible. The pressure to do it right is off, and so she hardly fights me about anything anymore. And she takes pride in her work and accomplishments. She turned 5 last January.

Yesterday we got out of the car to meet DH for lunch and as she got out, she said...."I have the BEST life EVER with you!" Not that she doesn't get grumpy, but I never need a time out anymore to help her get control. I just tell her to get rid of the attitude or *I* will (not a pleasant prospect).

And finally, thru all the battles, KEEP ASKING THEM TO GIVE YOU CONTROL.....illustrate in words why they can trust you. Remind them of your job and their job in a family. When they start to be controlling, remind them that they are doing it again and bring up the past talks. They aren't animals, you can make a difference with WORDS and REASONING when you add it to the behavior modification ACTIONS. Use all three to your advantage. Be frank and honest and OPEN about your goals as a family. (not necessarily with a RAD child).

[mikeintexas]

I don't think Nancy Thomas' approach is "commando parenting" per se as she argues for much more than setting and sticking with boundaries. Her approach has worked for us for the most part in getting control over behaviors though we still have a very long road of healing ahead of us.

The important point is that when you set boundaries and they get broken that you not react angrily but with pizazz. You will need to read NT's book to fully understand it... I'd highly recommend the book.

[aspenhall]

I don't think of it as a "technique" persay, but for those of us who are patient and kind and understanding, it identifies a different mindset to have when parenting...

Commando Mom hee hee Just the image makes me smile.... BTW, I didn't ever stop doing this, I just have no need for consequences as much, as she does stuff when I ask and without whining (much) now.

[jude4691]

Very very interesting thread.I can relate to a lot of what you say aspenhall-we handle our dd very firmly and have used quite a lot of Nancy Thomas's techniques.
I'm sure I seem incredibly strict with dd-lots of structure and routine and I expect immediate obedience and good respectful attitude.Everything is about choices and consequences-in the first couple of years the most choice I gave her was do you want to play with X or Y.
I will not shout at her-often this has been out of grim determination on my part as I know she is itching to make me lose it.
Dd is very good at using her emotions to manipulate and in the past would switch from anger to fear to inability to understand, to blame shifting to lying in order to escape a consequence.My gut feeling has been that sometimes tears are rolling down her cheeks but it is just not genuine.When I have called her bluff I have been proved right.
Hubby is probably a bit softer on her or will show anger in a natural way(not over the top anger though).However we have been through some very testing times-sometimes prolonged.The fact that I refuse to let her control me seems to have made her more attached to me and more trusting and she is now becoming more real and less fake.I have worried about being too firm but it seems to be something dd flourishes on.
I do talk to her about her feelings of being adopted-this is quite easy for me as I am adopted too.However if I feel she is wanting to talk about her past to avoid a consequence for a bad choice I will not get sucked into the conversation, but will talk with her at a later date.
Although adoption does cause a lot of pain for adoptees it does not mean that adoptees can avoid thier own personal responsibility.
Dd is getting much better in her cause and effect thinking-I just wish we had been more aware of this sort of parenting so that we could have done it sooner.