[angelkisses0102]

This discussion is open to anyone.

Regardless of whether or not we suffer from any post adoption issues, PAD's or not...it seems most mom's suffer from guilt of some sort....working mom's guilt, SAHM mom's guilt...daycare guilt, not getting out enough guilt... KWIM?

Also, is it me or does it seem like we mom's tend to worry about anything related to our kids more than say dad's... Is she walking too late...did he eat enough? Too much? Sleep habits? Is 'it' normal...whatever normal is? Will she have friends? How will his adoption effect him years from now? On and on and on.

And finally...how the heck do we get over it? Or at least learn to deal with it? Maybe even learn to laugh at ourselves?

[spaypets]

Oh dear, now I feel guilty because I don't feel guilty.

I've got to figure the proof is in the pudding. My daughter is happy, well behaved and fun to be around. I may not do everything right (lord knows that's true), but I must be doing _something_ right.

I do feel badly when I've lost my cool (and there have been a couple of instances that I'm still kicking myself for). And while it's never good to lose your temper, kids are resilient and as long as you're not abusive (I'm not), yelling once in a while probably won't scar her for life.

Of course, I wonder if someday she will have forgotten that she was a happy kid and turn into a sullen teenager who thinks her parents are idiots. But my job isn't to be popular, it's to create a person who will be a contributing member of society. Keeping my eyes on the goal of creating a functioning adult helps me. When in doubt I ask myself "What kind of adult will she be if I do (or don't do) this?" and "How does this further my personal values?"

[GCS]

Karen,
I tend to over-analyze things so this describes me well. I do think that I wouldn't be such a worry wort if the children were not adopted. I personally think that as adoptive parents we are always on the look out for a problem (because all the books tell us we should be ). Once in a while I have to take a deep breath and tell myself to just relax. My new mantra is "I'm doing all I can for them, so give it up and try and live in the moment and enjoy this time." Because before we know it they'll be teen agers and we will have worried this precious time away. Give up the worrying!

Easier to say than to do, I know!

Christina

[aspenhall]

It's easier to see the "fruits of our labors" when they're a bit older.....right now they're kinda still taking it all in. Once it comes out "processed" in their actions, relationships etc....I've noticed the guilt and worry lessens...I STILL over analyse tho!

I don't feel any guilt when I speak to another mom who *I* believe is doing it right based on how I see her kids are...then I speak to her about all my "shortcomings" or what I have been thinking have been shortcomings and I realize she falls short of MY mark too! then I relax and figure if her kids are this decent (teen yrs) then my shortcomings won't matter as much as I imagine either. Then I have more days that are better and less days that are rough and I think OK, I've found a groove. If she were perfect all the time, I worry about that too....... I focus mainly on the things that are an absolute NO-NO (disrespect, rudeness anger management etc..) and I worry less about things which are simply undesireable or an annoyance (whining, chatterbox, pessimism, slow eater etc..) I have GOOD one on one time when we run errands together (1/2 hr commute by freeway) and I can wait until she is in school to do artsy projects (there will be more than enough then). I read EVERY night to her and try to focus on teaching her one new thing a week (non-structured) like when we see a letter painted on the mountain (for the name of the school/town etc..) we discuss the name of the letter, the sound it makes, some words that start with that letter etc.. or whatever subject has struck her fancy that week. We'll talk about it at random times throughout the week as we go about our day.
I also find the one thing that my dd does BETTER than any other child and try to remember that. For example, my child is the BEST behaved in public of ANY 5 yr old I've seen yet. I can take her anywhere and she'll act appropriately.