[sainttj]

I read through all your posts and am sad, tired and guilty. We adopted two boys 11 months ago (we also have 2 bio girls). I am crazy in love with our girls and our youngest boy but not so with our oldest boy. I hold him and sing and play like I do our other kids but there just is no connection. Someone here or on another related thread said "fake it until you feel it". That's what I have been running on for months and while it is better, it is nowhere near the love I feel for our other kids. Why? Am I doing something wrong? Why can't I love this little boy?

He is good (most of the time) and he loves to cuddle and laugh and kiss which we do, but something is missing. Today he was bad at school (he goes to preschool in the morning) hitting, kicking and spitting at his teachers. He is never like this at home. I tried to talk with him and he just looks at me like I am from Mars(which drives me crazy - so he is taking a nap right now). Part of me says it will get better and another part just wants to give up. When will it get better? Will it? Can I actually love this boy? What else should I be doing? If I can't love him, what is our life going to be like.

Sorry for the long post...

[mikeintexas]

How old are your kids? That info would help.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I honestly do think (now that this specific forum exists...thanks Karen!) that your feelings are normal right now. I don't think you should feel guilty or be hard on yourself. But do know you are not alone!!!

Mike

[aspenhall]

It has been this way for me for a little more than a year. It does get better, but I have resigned myself to the fact that our personalities just aren't that compatible. I am now having uninterrupted stretches of time (days) where I feel the love I always thought I should feel. Commitment and structure and follow through and support mean just as much (if not more) than love. Love is usually the catalyst that ensures all these things happen and it CERTAINLY makes it easier....but you can do all this without it....and you will (at the least) gain a fondness or respect for him/her eventually.

[sainttj]

Mike
Our kids are: daughter bio 19; daughter bio 6; son adopted 4 1/2; son adopted 3. Thank you. I felt if any group of people would have an idea what I was feeling it would be this group. They (you guys) are incredible!

[LilyMoon]

There was a thread about this topic on the Russian adoption forum some time ago. Maybe you could do a search for it or someone could direct you there. It was a very long thread with lots of postings and advice. Anyone remember what it was called exactly?

LilyMoon

[Lorraine123]

Sainttj -

I have two biological children and one adopted child. It took me a long time to be able to admit this, but the love I feel for my biological children is different than the love I feel for my adopted daughter.

Now, let me explain a few things. My adopted daughter has RAD, she is unable to reciprocate any love I give her. So my feelings really have nothing to do with the fact that she is adopted, but everything to do with how she interacts with me.

I felt very guilty about this for the longest time, but I have finally accepted that I probably will never love her the same. But I will always take care of her and provide for her. As far as she knows, I feel the same. My actions are no different to any of my children.

It goes back to the "fake it" philosophy. You can fake it and the feelings may never come. However, you must continue to fake it. It isn't the fault of the child if you don't click and therefore you owe the child all that you can give. You MUST fake it.

And one day you will realize that you do love your child. I love my daughter, but its not the same emotional intensity as my other two children. But I do love her. When someone hurts her at school, I get the protective fighting mother instincts. When she gets sick, I get the nurturing instincts. One day, something will happen and you will think "thats love". It may be different than you are used to thinking about love, but thats ok. Different isn't bad.

Its ok to feel like he is driving you crazy. He is. My daughter does. She makes me the craziest of anybody on this earth. And there are times I resent her for it. But I fake it.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't beat yourself up. You can't make yourself feel something you don't. But for the sake of the child you must fake it.

Lorraine

[sainttj]

THANK YOU ALL!! I appreciate all the advice and mostly justing listening. Just a sad afternoon.

I will also look for the additional discussion on the Russian board. I think you are all terrific and I will just keep "faking it tell I feel it". Tomorrow will be a better day (fingers crossed).

Thank you again... Tracie

[maddensmom]

It is ok to be sad Tracie. And, acknowledging you feel this way means you really do love this little boy. Now, you can get to work. Many of us have been there as well.
I remember a post like this here on this board from a mom who frequents the Guat boards. She seemed to be a really nice woman and does love her children so very much, even if, like you and every other mother in the world, she has to work on it sometimes...
I'll try to find it and post the link if I can...
Keep on posting. It helps.
Also, maybe you ought to pm our forum hosts here. They have a lot of experience with this. Or write to them here. No one is going to attack you for needing help.

[maddensmom]

try this one...pay attention to the post by aamommy...she seems really nice. maybe you could talk to her?
Discussion....Why I can almost understand why these moms snapped...

[LilyMoon]

I found the thread I was referring to on the Russian board. Here it is:

Mom/Parents having trouble attaching to child??

I hope it comes up OK, if you have trouble it's called "Mom/Parents having trouble attaching to child??" so you can do a search.

Good luck!
LilyMoon

[angelkisses0102]

I am sorry you are struggling...attaching to a child is a two way street. I may have missed this...but how is his attachment to you? If he is struggling with attachment or has an actual attachment disorder...it will be very difficult for you to attach to him. I have a bunch of links I can PM you that pertain to attachment in infants and toddlers....including this that you can do that will help your bond to him grow.

That being said...I do understand your feelings and the guilt that comes along with them...the other posters gave you the exact links I would have (thanks guys...you beat me to it...but sick kid won out over forum last night )...read them and absorb them.

Sometimes love takes time to grow...find something...anything that you love about him...just one thing to start...maybe the color of his eyes, the way he giggles, any little thing and work from there. I will nevr forget one mom on another board said the only time she could find feelings for her daughter was when she looked at her sleeping.

I have been in your shoes...and I now love my son with my whole heart and soul...but it took lots of time and tons of attachment parenting....

I will send you those links right now. I also want you to know...there are many, many others here who struggle with these same issues...they just do not post in public about them. Trust me on this one...you are not alone in your feelings.

www.attach-china.org has great ideas...

Always feel free to come here and vent away...we do understand...

[sainttj]

Madden's Mom, LilyMoon and Karen

THANK YOU!! These are wonderful links. So much information and it is nice to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. I know it will come, just a bad day yesterday.

Again, thank you for all of your support!!
Tracie

[k8c]

Just dropped in (Mike invited me--hope I'm not gate crashing) as I'm getting ready to adopt...and am considering adopting two. Bonding with one child faster or more than the other is one of my fears. Having them bond with each other and not me is another... I'm off to read the links and see what wisdom is there!

Kate

[mikeintexas]

Originally Posted by k8c

(Mike invited me--hope I'm not gate crashing)

Not at all! Just make your check out to me and put it in the mail!

There is an abundance of wisdom here Kate... these folks are terrific!!!

Mike

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by mikeintexas

Not at all! Just make your check out to me and put it in the mail!

There is an abundance of wisdom here Kate... these folks are terrific!!!

Mike

Just watch out... we tend to get emotional...LOL! We are in the 'emotional issue' forum, ya know!!

Tracie~
Please keep us up to date...we love to hear about success...even a small one!!

Karen