[angelkisses0102]

I often read throughout the forums that many people continue to struggle with infertility issues post adoption. Or sometimes continue to get that 'pang' of pregnancy which is being discussed in another thread.

So for those of us who have experienced infertility prior to adopting....do you think that plays a role in your post adoption struggles?

For me it is a resounding NO...I always knew in my heart of hearts I would adopt...plus I had all sorts of 'reproductive issues' from a very young age. That being said...it did hurt when I lost each of my 3 pregnancies...and I suffered and grieved. I also lost my first husband due to his not being able to 'raise someone else's kid'...ugh! That was after agreeing to adopt. So I 'got it all out' and grieved and then moved forward with my DH and our adoption plans.

I personally would not change a minute of my life (including my losses) because if I did I wouldn't have my two precious angels.

But I know many, many people continue to grieve/wonder/miss that biological/pregnancy situation. Some more than others...some not at all.

So, what are your feelings on this? Does it play a role? I'd love to hear differing opinions on this.

Thanks,

[Vicki H]

It's a no for me also. I never suffered from any kind of depression with the infertility and never really thought about it after Alex's adoption. To be honest, I was actually thankful for it, if not for infertility I may not have my Alex.

I do feel some of my hormonal medical issues ( had nothing to do with infertility) contributed, but for me the infertility itself do not contribute to my PADS.

Vicki

[aspenhall]

Me neither...I had always planned on adopting eventually, so after I got sick of TTC and all the crap every month....I was relieved to let that go! I still think pgcy may happen, but I certainly won't be pursuing it with vigor! LOL I'm actually glad to know that I just may never have a "post pregnancy" body LOLOLOL I can see that ANY unresolved issues would contribute to PADS greatly, but inffertility wasn't it for me.....I think it was more so the idea of parenting vs the reality of it.

BTW....I went to bed TRULY in love with my child for the first time ever! with no bad feelings, no resentment, no dread, no doubts. She spent the ENTIRE day showing me how well she could mind (her words) and was proud as can be for that accomplishment. I felt my heart bursting with joy for the first time in a year....

[LilyMoon]

I suffered from secondary infertility. After having my son, I had 4 miscarriages and then early menopause. So, I got the message I wasn't supposed to have any more bios. When I heard a friend was adopting, I actually felt jealous and then finally came to the thought "Why not me!" Hubby was another story, he didn't have his heart set on another child like I did. He was tough to convince and kinda went into the whole thing with reluctance. My bio son was dead set against it. I felt alone in the quest for my baby.

Then the process went on and on. Changed agencies twice. And then finally with my third agency asking if I would consider a little bit older child...I said "yes." They emailed me a picture and as it was downloading I just began to cry. I had finally found my daughter.

I thank God that I had secondary infertility so I am able to parent this incredible child. I am grateful every day for her. She is one of the great joys of my life. This process has taught me that not getting what I want when I want it can be the biggest blessing. That God has a plan whether we know it or not. That such joy can come out of great loss.

As Forrest Gump said, "Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get."

LilyMoon

P.S. Both my husband and son are absolutely crazy about this child. Funny how things work out, huh?

[billysmommy]

For me, yes and no - does that count as an answer? LOL
I never had any post-adoption depression, but I did have some issues surface when my son's first mom became pregnant again three years after my son was born. It caught me very off guard becasue I was totally "ok" with not having a bio child. Pregnancy and biology just didn't matter to me all that much - parenting did. So for me, it was more about the ability to add to our family at will that I struggled with. She didn't "want" any more children, nor was she in a position to raise another child. The pangs were definitely there, and multiplied, I think, because it wasn't just anyone having a baby, but my child's other mother having a baby - if that makes sense.
As it turned out, she placed that baby with us, and now we are parents to the two most precious angels in the world (my opinion, of course

[angelkisses0102]

Thanks guys...

And Aspen...WOOHOOO!!! Isn't that the greatest feeling! Thanks for sharing!
Karen

[BestLight]

Originally Posted by FH-angelkisses0102

I often read throughout the forums that many people continue to struggle with infertility issues post adoption. Or sometimes continue to get that 'pang' of pregnancy which is being discussed in another thread.

So for those of us who have experienced infertility prior to adopting....do you think that plays a role in your post adoption struggles?

Hi, everyone. I'm the one who started the "pang" thread on another board.

My pangs have less and less to do with being pregnant (I actually would be mortified to become pregnant at this point, ironically). Instead, I sometimes wonder what it's like to see parts of my own face as I look at DD or DS.

Don't get me wrong -- they are both beautiful children and I'm not wishing they were any different. I just wonder how it is to have your child resemble you in some way.

Also, there's that thing about "survival of the fittest" and not being allowed to contribute to the gene pool. Are we not fit? WHY THE HECK NOT??

Still, if I could go back in time and wave a magic fertility wand, I wouldn't change a single chapter of our story. We are so incredibly blessed!

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by BestLight

(I actually would be mortified to become pregnant at this point, ironically).

You and me both! It is one of my biggest fears...as I have unexplained infertility and a cousin-in-law...who is also 40 just found out she is expecting.

Originally Posted by BestLight

(Instead, I sometimes wonder what it's like to see parts of my own face as I look at DD or DS.
I just wonder how it is to have your child resemble you in some way.

Good point...my kids do look somewhat like me as I am of Eastern European descent...but I can see your point.

Originally Posted by BestLight

Still, if I could go back in time and wave a magic fertility wand, I wouldn't change a single chapter of our story. We are so incredibly blessed!

I say that all the time too...I wouldn't change a single minute of my life...including the losses...because if anything had been changed...I wouldn't have my angels!

Karen

[GCS]

I didn't go through infertility, so that was never an issue for me.
I did lose a child and I do think of her often. How old she would be today and how different our lives would have been if...
But that's about as far as I go. I know that if Savannah had lived, we would not have Sam and Sophia. So, she is our angel who brought us to the family we were supposed to have.
That's as far as I go with it.

Christina

[maddensmom]

For me I think it did.
Some of it was the extreme hormonal imbalance I was left with after so many cycles. The PCOS and endo were just out of control by the time I stopped behaving like a mad woman. Hormonally I was just a basket case. I spent so very much money and never once achieved pregnancy at all...never once in 23 tries. I am still a little sad about that and I think it has more to do with being an adoptee than anything other than the raging hormones. As an adoptee, I was just so excited when trying to conceive that i would finally have someone who looked like me. As a child I was absolutely plagued with the "where does she get her {insert whatever physical characteristic here}?" So, that was important to me for a while. I had to grieve that too.
I did make every effort to make certain that before I went on to adopt I had time to grieve the loss of any biological children I might have had. This helped so much. But, I had been killing myself and in such pain (I got horrific sciatica from the progesterone injections) for so long, I was just devastated when it was so hard to love my child and for him to love me for a while...does that make sense?
FYI... Everyone says my son looks just like me...hahaha!

[Vicki H]

bumping this up.

[Roon63]

Don't get me wrong -- they are both beautiful children and I'm not wishing they were any different. I just wonder how it is to have your child resemble you in some way.

My hubby and I giggle at this thought alot...I am no raging beauty, and my hubby, I love him so this is said with humor, is a dead ringer for Horseshack off of Welcome Back Kotter that has been fed well! We have incrediably beautiful kids (all adopted), and we laugh pondering what biological kids would have to go thru, with curly mop of head, (from both), lack of chin (from me) and teeth that both had to have braces!!

(I actually would be mortified to become pregnant at this point, ironically).

YES! YES! YES!...omgosh, finally having a hysterectomy after all the craziness of infertility was a welcome knowing there were 4 children at home that called me mom! Funny thing is....although becoming pregnant scared me, adopting again doesn't?

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I don't think it was an issue that caused depression after adoption, but the infertility itself was definately an issue that caused depression. Now what I DO get angry or frustrated about post adoption is...for example...my sister is currently PG adn 5 minutes does not go by without her moaning or groaning about how "uncomfortable" she is. (she is 4 1/2 months along) Before it was every 5 minutes how sick she felt, etc. My issue being, YES, I know you are pregnant!! The truth is, I have NO idea what you are feeling, NEVER will have an idea of what you are feeling, and at this point do NOT want to hear a play-by-play of every moment of your pregnancy. I find it almost insulting. For example, at Bug's adoption party she got all the women started on their "pregnancy" cravings as she made a huge ordeal of diving into her enormous salad like she had not eaten in months. My first thought was HELLO!!! You stupid morons!! None of them have ever dealt with infertility, and the worst thing is that when I was dealign with it, the topic was just about taboo. "We just don't talk about T&A's problems getting pregnant." Now we are at an ADOPTION celebration and we are talking pregnancy cravings. I quickly put a stop to it when I said "I know how you all feel, I just could not stop eating chocolate, and about a week later I got the call to come pick up Bug!" Even the men got a chuckle out of that...even more so when I said (still dealing with infertility treatment/drug weight gain) "Not to mention all the problems I am having trying to get rid of my baby weight." It was like a big DUH!!! Not to discount the joys in another woman's life, but there is a time and place.