[angelkisses0102]

Time for another discussion...

As I read thru threads throughout these forums...it amazes me how so many of us, especially as adoptive parents feel we need to be the 'perfect mom'...a super hero woman who never, ever asks anyone for help...who's home is perfect, kids are adorable...hair done...clothes just so...laundry done, folded and put away...make dinner...do the shopping...entertain? WHY??? And then many of us work outside the home...or from home and think we must be perfect at that too?

I *thought* becoming a stay at home mom (just 3 weeks into that) would make this myth go away...ha...I am already beating myself up...but WHY???

Why do you think we do this to ourselves? Is it *worse* for those of us who build our families thru adopotion? Is it imposed on us my society in general?

More importantly, how do we overcome this? What advice do you have for PAP's? How do finally enjoy our new families without guilt? Without having to be....Super Mom!!

[leaabc123]

i will say as a foster/ not yet adoptive mom, I feel this way at times.

We do make sure the kids look good when we are out and about, not just for esteem reasons but because our family will get the extra looks as a transracial family/ 2 mom family.

There are times at home when I am upset/ tired etc, that there is guilt since we are "asking" for this. But, I can usually let it go.

[BrandyHagz]

Karen,

I just wanted to offer some support. I've been a SAHM for almost six years now to my special needs bio-son - and sometimes, that bar is just so freakin high, I can't reach it and it really makes me mad.

Bad mom confession of the day: Derby Car races were this past Sunday. We've worked SO HARD on getting the derby car ready for the race - everything is ready to go - and for some reason, I had it in my head that it was NEXT Sunday - I totally blew it. I was so mad at myself last night I just sat here crying!

It is a myth - harder to overcome because of all the MSM's out there (MSM = Martha Stewart Mom's)

[proudmommyof 2]

angelkisses-this is the root of the problem that I had posted about a couple of weeks back I think. I feel like the house needs to be cleaned, the kids shiny, etc. Then I feel like I have to handle every disciplinary problem perfectly, both kids need to succeed at everything they do, anything that they don't do perfectly is my fault, etc.


I do ask for help, but I'm selective. I post for help on these boards because it's more anonymous and supportive, and I have a few parent friends who I go to for advice. But sometimes I don't want to ask for help from others. Why? Because I'm afraid they'll think I don't know what I'm doing?

I think there may be some truth to the question about it being worse for adoptive parents. Meaning, we're harder on ourselves. I'll be curious to hear a bio-parent perspective. I think it's because we waited and wanted so long, that there is this sense of, "I wanted this so badly-how can every moment not be bliss?" Also, the whole feeling of, while waiting for children, "If I'm ever blessed with a child, I'll never...... (fill in the blank-get babysitters, let them go outside in muddy-kneed pants, bribe them to have them be good in public, etc.)"

Interesting discussion. I don't have any answers, but lots of questions. I'll be interested in reading more posts. And I'm always glad to hear others feel the same way.

[redhedded]

No MSM here, just chiming in. Karen, for me, having a toddler who so rarely slept and a husband who works (varying over the last three years from 5-6 days a week, 14-16 hours a day), I decided what exactly was really really important to me and let so much of the other stuff go. I have never tried to be supermom and don't intend to. I happen to like myself just they way I am.

Okay, so my clothes are never never pressed, and I do not buy things that need ironing. To boot: most of my clothes are really old, and my hair generally looks disheveled. My kids clothes are always neat but straight outta the dryer, and always knock about clothes, Target Levis and cotton shirts. We are big on clean, lotioned up and great looking hair for them and well, mascara and chapstick for me.

My house is really neat sans piles of clothes, folded but never put away and unfolded that just get's worn without ever being folded and well giant piles of books laying around. I tend to organize as I go and like to throw things away if they are not being used regularly.

Deep cleaning: those olden days of my grandmothers of deep cleaning being an all day affair; forget it. I am all for the easy and disposable, like Magic Eraser and throw away toilet scrubs. One quick swipe once a week and I consider it clean.

I have mentioned here many times that I do not cook much, rarely, well, any adjective that you choose. We do lots of soups, hummus, cereals, pasta, meal take outs from whole foods, healthy and easy stuff.

Organizing: I do that as I go and throw things away because I hate pack rat collection. There are some things that I am diligent about like putting our photo albums together and never leavning dishes in the sink but other things that I have little interest in, like dusting; could not tell you when I did it last. I like to vacuum and do it quickly every other day.

My goal everyday is to laugh, sing, dance and go out with my kids. We snuggle, read and tell stories. That is what really matters to me. With dd going to bed between 10-11, I get a little time to myself, no indulgence, a bath and laundry. During the day, she and B play or read together, so I get 30-40 minutes on the computer, rarely at once, usually in 5 minute intervals here and there. I do this - message board.

It is common for me to write in my journal and do my meditation very early in the morning, before my kids get up, which is about 7:00.

I will be a PTA mom for the fun and interaction with the kids, to accompany school trips and talk with the kids about museums, reading, hobbies, bug collecting, sports. I will most definitely not be favored for my cookies or my decorating or any assembly of cool crafts out of napkins and toothpicks.

The only thing that makes you supermom is when your kids think you are funny, and fun and happy and encouraging. I say, put less pressure on yourself.

[aamommy]

Oh wow, I know exactly what you mean!!! Believe me, I am NOT perfect, nowhere close ...... but every time I fall short, I feel so upset with myself. I mean, I want my house to look perfect (of course it never does) and that discourages me. Many nights I have a great plan of making a nice healthy supper and we end up with frozen pizza or cereal. Then I feel so guilty about it!! I wish I could just STOP myself from feeling that way ..... I have every excuse in the world not to be perfect (4 kids under 5) but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.

[Jensboys]

AAmommy (and to others too)

I had a life changing moment once when I too had 4, 5 and under. I was trying to wash my kitchen floor and in clopped in a couple of muddy boys to run to the bathroom ACROSS my kitchen. A mess. And I yelled at them. And they cried. And I cried. Total mess I tell you .

Anyways, it was almost like I heard the audible voice of God at that moment. And He said to me - "One day your house will be spotless and all you will wish for is some noise and some dirt. Are you home with your house or home with your kids?"

Yes, it was hard for me to let go of my pre-children plan of house keeping. The fact that my bathroom is desperately in need of cleaning or that if my MIL didnt live a couple thousand miles away I might FREAK BUT I have happier kids so that counts right?

And really, those years before my youngest was 3 or so were HARD. As in H-A-R-D!!! It will never be so hard again. Every year gets easier - busier in many ways - but easier in others too. More rewarding maybe? Anyways, these baby-toddler years are TOUGH. And thats ok and if anyone judges you ... you just tell them that you are home with your kids not home with your house

Jen

[crick]

Originally Posted by FH-redhedded

I will most definitely not be favored for my cookies or my decorating or any assembly of cool crafts out of napkins and toothpicks.

LOL! And truthfully, you migh not need to worry about this much because of the health laws these days. In our community anyway, the days of homemade treats are long gone. Most times everything must be store bought.

I'm not a supermom at all, but my kids seem to be doing quite well and figure all the laughter in the house hides the dirt, laundry, pile of papers on the table, and the one closet I can't seem to stop from getting the "shoved in" effect.

My cleaning abilities were questioned this weekend, a day after I did indeed clean. (doesn't take long for the tornado effect to come through with kids around, eh?) 8 year old dd said "you don't clean that well, mommy!" Lucky for me I had a day off for shopping/lunch with a girlfriend and dd got to clean. Might fine vacuumer if I do say so!

I do though at times feel the pressure to do everything "right" to make up for my kids' losses. I know it's unrealistic, but there are days when I get caught up in it all and drive myself and everyone around me crazy trying to do it all. Puts it in perspective though when your child comes to you and says "can you stop doing that and read to me please?" And it's those moments they will remember down the road...

[BrandyHagz]

Ah yes...the MacGyver Mom's...those who can make just about anything out of toothpicks and napkins...ROFL

[stephw3boys]

For those of us serving pizza 5 nights a week - digiornos makes a whole wheat crust pizza, throw on some brocoli -and you have got a GREAT dinner!!

[crick]

Originally Posted by stephw3boys

For those of us serving pizza 5 nights a week - digiornos makes a whole wheat crust pizza, throw on some brocoli -and you have got a GREAT dinner!!

ROFL! NOW I can have peezer 5 nights a week? And not really cook????

Anyone else use tomato sauce as a veggie? I do...

[sspete]

OMG....Gotta love this thread!!!

Since my mom was NOT such a great mom, I just knew that I WOULD be..... Especially after I chose adoption for my first born. I was determined to be absouletly perfect for my children!!!

YEAH OKAY.....This does not or cannot happen!!! We will no doubt wear ourselves to the bone trying to make it happen!!! I think we actually become worse moms if we try to hard to be perfect!!!!

I have come to the conclusion that we will NEVER be perfect....Only the best we can be!!! We do however need many mommy time outs for our sanity.....

Staci

[JoEvans]

I LOVE THIS THREAD! Good idea!

I was thinking about this magnet I have on my frig. It reads: My next house will have no kitchen...Just vending machines.

I worked my tail off with my oldest, trying to make ends meet. And when I remarried. I became a step-mom. My ex expected me to stay home with the kids. (pre-teen daughters), clean house, and have dinner on the table when he comes home from work. I couldn't help it, it drove me CRAZY! I begged and pleaded to let me work. He finally said I could, but I could only work 9am to 3pm. Btw, that was so I could take the kids to school and pick them up. I was a lunch lady at my girls' school for one year. Having the whole summer off, about drove me to the physic ward at the local hospital. The only positive thing I could say was, I had the prettiest garden in our neighborhood. (no/lil weeds)
After 4 years. I couldn't take it anymore. That marriage reminded me too much of the movie "sleeping with the enemy". I HAD to and I DID finally leave.
I am so greatful for my husband now. He is wonderful! However, I still work and I still come home and clean house. But at least, he helps.

[aspenhall]

YIKES, I strted DH off with "the talk" ...... Breakfast is rarer than a full moon, whoever is out of clothes does the laundry, Whoever cooks the meal, does NOT clean up. Getting fast food counts as making dinner. Cooking is a HOBBY and should be appreciated like fine art. My day does not officially start until 10 am. Whoever buys wrinkleable clothes must iron them themselves before wearing them. If I do the dishes and keep them done, then he does the bathroom and keeps it done. (his idea). If you lift the lid to pee, you still gotta wipe..you WIPE the rim.

He still married me, and for the first 5 yrs, he did ALL the laundry, we only ate out, and the bathroom was rarely spotless. Enter the SAHM 10 yrs later and I think he forgot the rules LOL.... While I'm home I'll do the housework as often as it is CONVINIENT, when you get home, you pitch in. Trash is ALWAYS a husbands job to take outside. If you got a problem with how the work is being done, you are now assigned that particular chore! SO, I do all the dishes (he kept sticking stuf in the wrong spots) and he quit complaining about the laundry etc....

[heartened]

Karen, I hope you don't mind me chiming in here. I kind of thought that what I have to say might be worth hearing.

I'm an adoptee and I want to tell you a few things about my childhood.

I grew up in a house where the sheer square footage was enough to rival many apartment buildings. Most every room was "designed" by an interior decorator who probably made more off of doing our house than most of us make in a year. I had a stay at home mother, and a housekeeper, because "stay at home" only meant that she didn't have a paying job. It did NOT mean she was actually home with us. Our food budget also exceeded what most of us make in a year. "Only the finest" would do. When we went out to eat, it was at places that would close their doors before offering a "children's menu." There was artwork on the walls, statues, etc. Real paintings, not prints. We literally had gold trimmed china. Real gold. No one left the house looking less than perfect. We drove the "right cars," lived in the "right neighborhood," had the "right things," and knew the "right people."

I said in another thread - the house was beautiful, what went on inside of it was not.

Every truly perfect parent I have ever known shared the following traits and attitudes:
Spending time playing was more important than spending time cleaning.
Sharing a meal which everyone in the family would eat was more important than providing a spread which "looked" perfect.
Giggles and laughter were more important than obedience and order.
A hug and cuddles before bed was more important than brushing teeth perfectly or sleeping on sheets washed less than 5 days ago.
Walls covered with rough colored paper filled with drawings and finger paintings were considered more tastefully artistic than the finest Rembrandt.
Music was loud and resulted in everyone dancing together.
Furniture was a logical place for pet fur.
Clashing colorful clothing was more chic than anything CK ever put out.

Your kids won't remember if the TV is dusted. They will remember if they spend all their time with the TV instead of with you because you're too busy dusting.

Your kids won't remember if they had gourmet meals for dinner every night. They will remember if dinner meant a tense atmosphere, or a struggle to swallow foods which simply did not taste good to them. (I still remember being forced to eat cooked cabbage even though it ALWAYS resulted in my vomiting it up and being covered in hives. It turns out I'm allergic to it.)

Your kids won't remember if you left the house without your hair and makeup perfect. They'll remember if you were too busy spending time on your hair and makeup instead of spending time with them.

Beyond the obvious boundaries between care and neglect, there is only ONE authority you will ever have to answer to when it comes to being "the perfect parent": your child. And believe me, their standards are much lower than yours and involve values which have nothing to do with dust, hair, makeup or money.

Tell your mothers-in-law to blow it out their butts. Any "friend" who walks through your house with a white glove should immediately be offered a kick in the pants and an escort to the door. Any individual who makes that annoying "sniff" with the nose raised in the air should immediately be escorted to the nearest pile of doggie doo in the yard. Let them sniff something that stinks as bad as their attitude.

Does your child know they are loved? Do they feel safe and secure? Do they know you are worthy of their trust? Do they laugh? Do they smile? Are they free to express their emotions? When they wake up crying from a bad dream, are you there to comfort them? When they get a booboo, is there someone to kiss and make it better? Are they nurtured by the love that goes into their food just as much as by the nutrition?

You're already a perfect parent to that little child you'll smile at in a little bit - no one else's opinion really matters.