[Leigh131313]

Ok guys...i think it's really great that you have all come to terms with not being supermom....but honestly I have not.

I really struggle with this.

Heartened, I really know what you are saying.... but the things you mentioned are not what I consider to be important either.

Why can't I keep all of my major rooms clean?
Why do I feel like my windows are the dirtiest of all my friends?
When does one find time to clean their blinds?
How do you keep the "pile" from forming on your kitchen table and counters?
Why do I have to make a fancy birthday cake? Why can't i just buy one?


I DO want to be the mom with the yummy cookies
I DO want to make healthy and yummy meals
I DO want to do all the crafts (i did kids crafts for years as a volunteer)
I DO want to have a home that my children are proud of (not fancy, just tidy clean and welcoming)
I DO want my son to have nice/cute clothes..not necessarily new.
I DO want to find time to make all the little boy things I have been dying to make since I wanted children


I find it frustrating that if I succeed in one area, the others seem to slack.

I'm glad you all are in a good place regarding this stuff. I am not.

Leigh

[heartened]

Leigh, I hear you - I'm not sure how old your boys are, but I can tell you what I did with mine when they were still young.

We made cookies, together. We cleaned, together. We cooked, together. I got them involved in the "chores" of maintaining a house by making it a game right from the start.

Washing windows? Fill small buckets with window cleaner and hand them a "sponge" paintbrush (like you use for applying stain) and paper towels. Have them "paint" a picture on the windows and then wipe the "slate" clean. (All under close supervision so they don't eat the "paint," obviously)

Washing the floors? The best cleaning product on the market is a product called Simple Green. It's non-toxic, biodegradeable and stronger than anything I've ever found. We used to tie giant sponges to our hands & knees and have races on the kitchen floor

Incidentally, one of the other awesome investments you can make for cleaning is a steamer - one you can use to clean bathrooms, curtains, kitchen sinks, the refrigerator, windows, mirrors, etc. Steam and a towel or sponge, that's all you need. It's fast, no worries about toxic chemicals, etc.

Kids can cook, too. It takes some thought and creativity (both of which I know you posess!), but you can find ways to involve them in the process. Not only do they get to learn a valuable skill, but you get to spend time together as well. These things aren't chores if you don't treat them as if they are. The boys and I used to spend time digging through kid-friendly cookbooks looking for things they wanted to make. Betty Crocker has a really cool cookbook for kids - I think we made every recipe in it. LOL It's dogeared and covered in sauces, flour and dried stuff. -grin- But one of these days, I hope to drag it back out and use it with my grandkids.

By the way - cleaning the blinds? Canned air is the best friend you'll ever have. When you get new blinds (or you can do it to the ones you already have), pop them in the tub with a solution of Simple Green & water. Let them soak for a minute, (if they're already dirty use a higher ratio of Simple Green and let them soak for 10 minutes) rinse them off with the shower head (a detachable shower nozzle is AWESOME for cleaning, by the way), hang them out to dry. Then put them back up. The Simple Green will keep dust from sticking to them so you only have to blow it off with canned air.

I refuse to use chemicals, so I stick with Simple Green and a steamer. I stoped using windex when I got the steamer. I could spend hours telling you the virtues of Simple Green versus everything else on the market. LOL I honestly believe it cut my cleaning time in half. Especially since it keeps dust and dirt from adhering to surfaces - I could blow the dust off and vacuum and my house would sparkle.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go off on a tangent. I'll shut up now. LOL

[redbonec]

Hello all,

Heartened, thank you for all the advice. I thought it was excellent. Very important things to think about.

I really like this thread. A few months ago, as we are waiting to adopt (and continue to do so), I was really panicking on the worry that when we do finally have a child, I won't know how to do everything and do it right.

Someone wondered if this pressure is more to adoptive moms. I wonder if this might be true too. The reason for me is, we have been married 10 years. So, in my mind, I figure that since we have seen so many other good parents (friends) and we have "matured" we should be really good at it. Also, I have been teaching several years as well. So I also feel that since I have seen so many different kinds of children with so many different personalities, I should be able to handle anything. I have realized that all of these subconcious thoughts have made me worry about being the perfect parent. The truth is when it comes to the time, I won't be able to do anything perfect.

It was a few months ago that a rock of reality hit me--I was out with my friend who was pregnant. We were shopping together looking at baby stuff. I was wondering about which baby tub, how and when you bathe, etc. I just looked at the tubs and thought "I have no clue. What kind of parent doesn't know how to bathe a baby?" So I asked my friend the questions. She kept answering, "I have no idea!" We finally had to ask somebody.

But that was what finally started to break the "perfect parent pressure"--for some reason I thought that since she was pregnant, somehow all the knowledge of babies was infused to her. I was so relieved that she was as clueless as me! And I told her thanks for helping me by her being helpless!

One more thing--I just heard someone comment: "Men compete. Women compare." It's the same game--could our comparison of ourselves to others keep us stressed about being the perfect parent?

[leaabc123]

This kind of fits.

I always try an make sure the girls look and feel good. Well this week, it looks like they have been in a boxing match!

big D has a scrape on her face from falling against a small ceramic statue at a party and little D just slipped in the tub and bit her lip while I was right there. Turned around for a second to get a wash cloth and bam!



Now I feel guilty for that and because I yelled at them to be careful. what good does yelling do, none but there ya go. Made it up to them (or tried to) by reading extra stories.

[scarlet52698]

I have to chime in here too because I've struggled with the supermom syndrome for the last 5 years! I come from the birthmom perspective and always felt that I needed to make up for what I wasn't able to do for my firstborn.

The first year with my twins I had nightmares that someone was going to take them away because the house wasn't clean enough, they weren't clean enough, etc. I became a cleaning freak!

Then one day a very good friend pointed out to me what was mentioned earlier in this thread. My kids won't remember (or care) how clean my house is. They will remember walks down to the pond to see the ducks, jumping on the trampoline, playing flashlight hide & seek, etc.

My house is no where as clean as I would like it to be but my kids are happy.

[mamacrina]

I DO want to be the mom with the yummy cookies
I DO want to make healthy and yummy meals
I DO want to do all the crafts (i did kids crafts for years as a volunteer)
I DO want to have a home that my children are proud of (not fancy, just tidy clean and welcoming)
I DO want my son to have nice/cute clothes..not necessarily new.
I DO want to find time to make all the little boy things I have been dying to make since I wanted children


I find it frustrating that if I succeed in one area, the others seem to slack.

YES.

My problem is that even though I'm a first time adoptive mom, I'm not a first time mom. I fostered kids younger and drug exposed. I fostered older and severely neglected. And I did okay. But I didn't worry about my house then...it got done. I worry about it now. I think, "If I could do so and so then with X amount of kids, and X amount of appts., etc., why can't I do so and so NOW with 1 baby?"

I want to be able to open the door when someone comes by without thinking,"I hope they don't need to use the bathroom" (also the location of the litterbox). Or "I hope they don't see the(dishes-are-piling-up-even-though-we-have-a-dishwasher) kitchen." I feel embarassed that I am not living up to my standards, the ones I can't seem to shake in my head.

And as someone who wants to adopt again w/in 2 years, it frightens me that I don't have a handle on this yet.

[cr653]

im too tired to read more right now,
but what a great thread.
tomorrow im going to read all the replies.
for now,
i will say, as my little sweet 'baby' approaches age 8, ive been horrified! this week i have second guessed it all!
during his 'little years' have i 'played enough'? read to him enough listened to his little 'stories' enough.
and ive been beating myself up!
i waited YEARS for him and i feel his littleness slipping away,
and i wonder...have i? am i SHOWING him how much i LOVE him so that HE knows?
i vow NOT to be so obsessive over stupid things like messes and such. i decided this sometime over the weekend.
it is AWFUL how fast they grow.
and,
Am i doing enough????

cris...having a VERY tough week as my baby turns one and my oldest becomes a 'preadolescent'!

[redhedded]

Crina and Leigh, I do not think for a minute that you have to sacrifice things that are important to you. Just evaluate what really is and you can make the time for it. I think you can have high standards as lot as you can attain them, with time management.

My house is really both clean and neat aside from the piles (remember, and there are just a few of them). I can always let someone in my house to visit, though they better had called first because I don't like pop ins. Most people would say my house looks immaculate; I will confess, I have not cleaned my windows since moving here two years ago.

You can make great looking, healthy awesome meals with a little time; healthy and pleasing does not have to be time consuming. (Not much faster than fresh baked salmon and spinach salad with feta). You can bake cookies too, if you want to do that. You have to find the hour or so that works for you and that works for your child(ren).

My kids look great all of the time, in casual clothes. They gets tons of compliments on their mix matched (I hated coordinated sets more than anything) colorful clothes from Target and the Gap.

One thing that was really important for me when I started staying home was getting up, showering, getting dressed and getting out, first with my daughter and then with both of my kids. We snuggle, dance and sing in the morning then have breakfast. This is not a criticism of anyone else, but I would have been miserable sitting in pajamas all day, without getting cleaned up. So every day we got up, all got cleaned up, dressed and went out to Starbucks then to storytime, the park to throw the frisbee, blow bubbles, write with sidewalk chalk, swing. We established this routine when they were about 3 months old. It is time with them, going for walks, me holding one then both of them on my lap, talking and singing in the car, but it is a routine that with two babes has proven to work out great for us. They are both happy, sociable, love seeing other kids and hearing the stories or music that we see. We snuggle and play some more when we come home. This probably meant less homemaking time but more fun outside time, which was really important to me.

When they did nap, I could come home mid afternoon and clean the kitchen or could have prepped or made dinner (if I cooked) to heat up later. Now that they don't nap, I can let them play in the loft/playroom while I vacuum or give the bathroom a good once over. I am not saying this would work for everyone but has for me. Getting up, showering (sometimes at 6:00), getting dressed and going out into the sunshine (or even rain) gives me a tremendous amount of energy.

I plan to go back to work in one year. You can betcha that the laundry will still be done late at night, past 11. (I do one or two loads every night so it does not pile up.) Between my coming home and my kids going to bed, it will be food, fun, music and books, because I do not want to miss any of these precious first years. I figure I have from their age of 6 on to do windows.

I think for each of us we should find what is most important, what can wait until later and what may not be so important at all and plan in that order.

[redhedded]

LOL! And truthfully, you might not need to worry about this much because of the health laws these days. In our community anyway, the days of homemade treats are long gone. Most times everything must be store bought.

Crick, Thanks I am "sighing" big relief. My calm and Zen ways run right straight into a brick wall when food comes up. Dh's being a chef makes one, let's say hyperaware, of food handling issues when you have the knowledge that people die from poor practices. We are cautious about where we eat out, and what we eat, such as never eating anything cream based, like soup or sauce, (unless in a really nice restaurant) or choosing really small Thai restaurants where he knows the chef. We would never eat anything at a potluck, and I would hate to have to tell my babe she cannot have homemade gingerbread cookies in her classroom because we are not sure about the practices of the cook. The requirement for storebought gives me much relief.

[angelkisses0102]

Wow...great ideas and discussion from everyone...very helpful to many of us.

I think for my situation...having PAD's, an attachment challenged child who didn't sleep thru the night until a couple of weeks ago (thus sleep deprived mommy for almost 2 years), moving shortly after bringing Alex home...and hating my last job (boss) all contribute to wanting 'something' in my life to be perfect...OK everything perfect.

I know my expectations of myself are much too high...if anyone walked into my house right now...they would not see the 'mess' I see...it is actually very neat and clean...I just know all the 'things' that are on my mental to-do list and in my mind I thought that I would be able to accomplish this 'stuff' much more easily being home...hahahaha! (I now have a well rested and more secure 2.5 year old ALL BOY toddler...to say he is active is an understatement!)

But I agree...my kids and their happiness are the most important thing. How they view me is so much more vital than I view myself. I must, for all of us, realize that going to the park, reading to my kids, playing cars and trucks and princess is on top...not cleaning the bathrooms. I was just thinking...last summer (and summer here is like 9 months long)I went in the pool (in our backyard) less than a handfull of times with the kids...daily event this year!!!

One thing I think I am going to do is create sort of weekly plan/schedule...to include the fun stuff and the other stuff!!!

Keep the ideas coming...Thanks!!!

[aspenhall]

when you get the schedule made....POST IT!
I was just thinking, I have a schedule for everything ELSE!
I wish I lived in a town with a zoo.....we'd be there EVERY WEEK.
I'm used to spending MY time...now it isn't mine to spend, it's theirs for me to help them spend.

Why can't I keep all of my major rooms clean?
I swear, flylady dot net has the answer.....it just takes several months to accomplish it. ONLY work on one room a week, and never pull out more than you can finish in an hour
Why do I feel like my windows are the dirtiest of all my friends?

When does one find time to clean their blinds?
don't let your perfectionism get in the way, grap a ostrich feather duster or mini swiffer and lower and close the blinds, then run the duster over the blinds....do this once a week. You can soak them later when it's spring cleaning time.
How do you keep the "pile" from forming on your kitchen table and counters?
spend 15 each night clearing them off (at least mostly cleared off) before you know it they'll be clean and easier to stay clean
Why do I have to make a fancy birthday cake? Why can't i just buy one?
You can.....once in a while tho, it's nice to make one...for fun

[Pinkie]

I think for me being the perfect mum was imperative because I figured, well, I'm 40 years of age, single status, wants a child, needs to work to earn a living and said I could do it all without any problem. How could I back down now and ask questions.

Having said that I'm slowly opening up and have been suprised and grateful for my friends reactions and advise.

As for doing everything, cooking, cleaning, working, etc etc, it took my best friend to pull me to one side and say something on the lines of...."Hey girlfriend, welcome to our world, now this is how it really works". Boy was I relieved to realise I didn't have to do it all perfectly.

[Vicki H]

I can relate. I work full time and then try to be the perfect mom when I am home.
My son always looks immaculate and I change his clothing if he gets any food on them at all.

I have to have his bedroom looking just so, and I shop for him constantly.

My MIL calls him the best dressed kid in town.

I stress about the foods I feed him, I monitor his junk food and try to cook healthy meals every night, which he doesn't want to eat by the way.

I guess we can't do it all, I need to keep telling myself this.

[dkb60]

Maybe because my kids are older or maybe because it is important to me, I think that sometimes it isn't always about my kids. Sometimes it is about what I want and what they need to know to be successful in their adult lives. If it were up to my kids they would never fold their clothes out of the dryer. But you know what they want to look nice and they hate to iron so we spent time learning how to fold. They wash dishes after a meal becasue it is important to me for my kitchen to be presentable. That doesn't make me a martha mom. It makes me a mom that wants to send my kids out into the world with basic skill in these areas just like I expect them to have basic social skills. Do I go over the top? I don't think so but they might tell you differently. Do I care what their room looks like...only about 3 times a year. Do I care what they do with those folded clothes? No but they know not to ask me to iron something and they know not to argue with me if I tell them something is too wrinkled to wear to a band concert or some such event. There are somethings if they don't learn them from us no one else takes the time to teach them. My favorite tactic is the 10 minute tidy...everyone works for 10 minutes on the public areas of the house. Sometimes it has to be the 20 minute tidy and unfortunately sometimes the 2 hour tidy. It works...I don't make the mess on my own....I don't clean it up either.

D.

[angelkisses0102]

I just wanted to say...THANKS !!!!!

I have started using some of your ideas and...it is so much better. DH was out of town this weekend...and we had fun and I still got housework done. We even went out to dinner....and...drum roll...the kids played on the steps in the pool...in their clothes...no less. I was cleaning up the patio and opened the safety gates and Arianna put her feet in...nest thing I knew...Alex joined her...we all had a ball....even though the water was 68 degrees!

Taking a shower...putting on a little make-up and a huge cup of coffee makes me feel soooo much better. And I am dealing with a few 'imperfect' messes in the house....heck we all survived the laundry not getting put away yesterday...LOL!!!

Anyone else have any ideas? Thoughts?