[angelkisses0102]

So, anyone want to share how they deal with ANY type of ignorant comment...like for those of us with attachment struggles...when people say...'oh that's normal'...ah no it's not? Or you are so over-protective. Or but they were just a baby when you adopted them? Or where is the real mom? I'm sure you all can relate and get the idea?!

I am looking for comments that are appropriate in front of our kids...and for laughs...things you may think but don't want to say in front of the kids.

[billysmommy]

When someone asks me where my kids "real mother" is, I usually answer with "you're looking at her." If they go further, I say"Oh, you mean their first mother??!!!" She lives in XXXX and we talk all the time!"

[aspenhall]

I have been told, when complaining about the difficulty of parenting "Well, you wanted it!" And I say, just because I wanted to be a mom, doesn't mean I can't have bad days. Or when discussing her particular behavior issues and I get blown off as over analyzing it, I'll respond with "I have a little more experience parenting her, and trust me, this isn't normal."

[kretzklan]

I'll share my DH's responses - because he's much calmer and "quicker" on his feet. To any adoption related question that he feels is ignorantly stated (he doesn't believe there are ignorant question...just idiots who don't know how to ask correctly) or any question that is just TOO personal - he responds "Wow, it sounds like you are really interested in looking further into adoption. I'd be happy to hand off my agency's name to you." He has found there is always one of three responses - the people who just say "OH, no...I just wanted to know", the people who apologize for the rudeness of the question and the people who say "yes, I really am interested...I'd love the number".

To that last group he will actually inform and educate them a little on the correct language.

It seems so basic - but it has solved all his issues with the crazy questions people ask.

As for me - my pet peeve question is "are they real sister and brother?" due to us adopting two at one time. My answer "real only happens in our hearts, so yes, they are"!

[catlover2]

Well we adopted two children at one time that were 4 months apart. The question I get is "are they close age?"or twins?" One has blonde hair and is short and stocky and the other is tall and thin with brown hair. So they really don't look a like. So I always respond with "no they are not twins they are 4 months a part." People always stop and have that look on there face "how she do it? is that physically possible?" Then as they are thinking about it, I tell them very proudly we adopted two children.

And then the "real" dumb questions "were they brothers before you adopted them?" 4 months didn't work for a natural birth it won't work anywhere. I just reply "they are brothers now" And most people firgure out the dumb questions .... and either change subject or apologize or ask about adoptions.

I enjoy talking about it to anyone who will listen. Being up front with people really opens people up or shuts them up.

Now that they are 4.5, they tell people they were born in Ukraine.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

catlover...I can totally relate! Bug and Bear are 2 1/2 months apart. We get the twin thing ALL the time. The thing is, they DO look like each other. Depending on how I feel, I will just say "Yes" when asked. BUT, then there is all the STUPID questions that come with that...who was born first? how much did they weigh? How on earth did you breast feed them both??? WHAT???

I don't know what story is easier. Seems either way people feel they are entitled to your life story...not to mention the feeling that they can freely express THEIR unwanted opinions!!

[Ktates]

With my daughter, her obvious attachment issue was her friendliness towards strangers...people say "oh it's ok, she's just social"....grrr....depending on who it is it's not worth the effort to go into attachment so I just say "well I am not comfortable with my daughter being so open with a complete stranger..." unfortunately stranger danger makes more sense to people than any attachment concern...

[Speakezswd]

Originally Posted by FH-angelkisses0102

So, anyone want to share how they deal with ANY type of ignorant comment...like for those of us with attachment struggles...when people say...'oh that's normal'...ah no it's not? Or you are so over-protective. Or but they were just a baby when you adopted them? Or where is the real mom? I'm sure you all can relate and get the idea?!

I am looking for comments that are appropriate in front of our kids...and for laughs...things you may think but don't want to say in front of the kids.

My personal favorite:'How can they be brothers! They look too different!' In front of the kids, and louder and louder if I don't respond, as if I'm deaf, and they deserve an answer. Two ways I handled it. 1- A wink, with 'they have different bfathers'; or if they are so rude the kids noticed, I let the older think of the rudest thing he could "what color are your underpants?" and if the 'person' responded, I'd say "we thought you were starting a rude contest"
Susan

[maddensmom]

My new auto response to every stupid comment has become, "Oooo, I'm sorry. I had no idea you were so uninformed. You should read more." I know it is mean, but I am pre-menstrual, what can I say? Sorry to the men here for that TMI...

[GCS]

People ask all the time if our two adopted children are siblings. Right now I still say "no, they are not biologically related" since that is really what they are asking me.

But Sam is getting older now and I am getting more uncomfortable with this line of questioning. So I am starting to say "of course". Meaning of course they are siblings, they are both our children, and not addressing the biological aspect of it.

I know in our case they are just looking to be more educated on Russian adoption so I hesitate to not encourage them learning more. But really, at some point, why do you need this info?

When Sophia went in to have her ear tubes surgery, her teacher at day care asked me if Sam had the same problem at her age. I answered that I didnt think so. She looked at me strangely and then I said "well, we didn't adopt him until he was 3 so I don't know, but I can't imagine he would get that level of care at the orphanage." She had just forgotten that they were adopted and that they weren't bio-siblings. I guess that's kind of nice!

Christina

[mab_123]

What gets to me is when people ask are they biosibling in front of the children. My kids are but my oldest dosnt yet understand all of that. I simply say "yes they are real siblings" even if they weren't biosiblings.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Originally Posted by FH-aspenhall

I have been told, when complaining about the difficulty of parenting "Well, you wanted it!" And I say, just because I wanted to be a mom, doesn't mean I can't have bad days. Or when discussing her particular behavior issues and I get blown off as over analyzing it, I'll respond with "I have a little more experience parenting her, and trust me, this isn't normal."

Aspenhall, I actually have pictured this being said to me. It's something some people in our family would say to us...and I'm so not looking forward to hearing it. I like your response very much. Thank you for sharing it.

[bekalynn]

Hi guys!

I don't have two (yet ) but I remember reading once, I don't know if it was these forums or another - that someone once responded to the "Are they real siblings?" question with the answer:
"Well they fight in the back seat, if that's what you mean..."

I've ALWAYS thought that was the best answer for that question... It's been in my think tank in case I ever do go for number 2 and am in that situation!
Reading your stories and responses made me think of it!

[RussiaBoundMom]

I don't understand why people think they have a right to ask about my daughter's history. It seems everyone wants to know why her birth mother gave her up and all the gritty details. This is a sensitive issue with me and I don't offer information, it's deeply personal for me and for my daughter. I just tell them that we respect her birthmother for chosing to give birth and then doing what she felt was best for her. I realize that people will never stop asking, and as my daughter understands more of the conversation, I want her to hear the respect I have for her birth mother and also understand that it's not appropriate to share intimate details with just anyone. I just don't understand why people don't realize that it's rude to ask such personal questions!

[Kimberj71]

Our two youngest are 6 weeks apart so we get the "are they twins?" question often. I always answer, "No, Londy is 6 weeks older than Jeremy" or something of that sort. The next question is ALWAYS "Are they real brother and sister?" uggg... I absolutely hate this question. We have 3 older kids (8, 7, and 4) and they are always around to hear my answer. So, my answer is always "Yes, they are brother and sister. They are not biologically related". I like to take the straight, honest approach.

All was well until the other day at lunch when my 7 year old daughter looks at my 4 year old son and says, "Londy and Jeremy are not biological!" Oh my... needless to say we talked again about birthmommies and what biological means and how we all came to be a part of our family....dh and I were married to make us family, the three older were born to us to become our family, and the two youngest were adopted to become our family.

So now I'm trying to figure out how best to answer that "are they real brother and sister?" question.

Kim