[mikeintexas]

We've been in commando-parenting mode for almost a month now. I think we've made progress although swings in both directions (both regressing and progressing) are far more drastic than before.

On Monday, we are meeting with a developmental specialist for an initial meeting on Julia. The doctor had requested a letter from Julia's teacher about her time at school...social, emotional, and academic. The letter was actually pretty good in that it makes Julia sound like she's pretty much on track.

BUT...this morning when I dropped her off at school, her teacher wanted to visit briefly. She asked when the meeting was and I told her on Monday. She said she thought she should tell me something she has observed recently.

She said that, after Christmas, she sees a big step forward in maturity of the children in the class... maturity in terms of being able to sit still longer, focus more, be on task, etc. But she also told me that she had not seen this in Julia... that in fact, she was still having trouble listening during story time or staying focused at the work stations. She told me in a very nice way and I appreciate it when she communicates to me.

I did tell her that this doesn't surprise me and that it is consistent with everything I've read. She knows that too. She just wanted me to know that she had observed it. I also told her about our approach at home to step up the structure and consistency and that I had seen more regression lately, but that I thought it was because we were tightening the screws (so to speak). She agreed with that too.

I don't know if I have a question here. I really don't even know why I am writing this, other than maybe to hear if any of you have had similar experiences with your kids at school. Julia is 6 (to be 7 in April) and is in Kindergarten. I love this teacher and she's been incredibly good for Julia all year. She is the best kindergarten teacher for her because she is no-nonsense and has a structured classroom, and because she communicates with us. So I am not mad at the teacher at all. I guess I'd just like to know what other parents have experienced with this issue.

Mike

PS: Yesterday was one of the BEST days we have had with Julia the entire month. Of course I taught a grad class late last night and wasn't around to enjoy it. But maybe we are getting somewhere. Maybe.

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Mike.... my daughter entered 1st grade when we came home last year (she was 8+ years old). On the maturity level of maybe 6 years old. She too had some of the issues. Yes, STRUCTURE is KEY!!! She is now in 2nd grade, and was still very easily distracted, and have been working on that. The last 12 months I have seen forward steps, and backwards steps. I really think that this is soooooo normal for children with thier backgrounds. I had to 'tighten the screws' also about 6 months ago, and I can tell she is much happier as she now knows what is expected.

[maddensmom]

I hope this doesn't worry you to hear this as I am just telling you my experience. But, most often teachers really start identifying children who are not up to par after Christmas time. This is most often done to give parents appropraite warning of impending retention. This warning usually serves 2 purposes. It provides adequate feedback to the arent and it, hopefully, leads to all parties revisiting those skills lacking and making every effort to attain mastery. For a good teacher, and she sounds like one, it is a way to let the parent know that all parties, parent, teacher and child (and any appropriate services) must regroup and come together to focus on the skills required to move to the next grade. I am not in any way saying this is what was happening. It is just a normal occurrance in schools, IMO.
Sitting still and being able to focus on tasks are necessary skills that must be mastered or very close to it before entering first grade. I would look at this as an opportunity to come together with the teacher and help Julia attain these skills. The teacher sounds more than willing to help your child.

[radkat]

Sounds like my son. (age 10, 5th grade) He did really great at the beginning of the school year. But ever since the beginning of December his behavior at home and school has been insane. Lying, stealing, being fearful of almost everything...it seems like all of a sudden he's really stressed out for some reason. At school he can't sit still, everything is a joke and his grades are starting to go downhill fast. School has always been his big issue, but he was doing so well at first.

I'm really up in the air on how I feel about my son's teacher. I feel like she's making an effort to understand him and connect with him. She either calls me or sends a note home about his behavior. It just seems like lately there are more negatives than positives. My one concern is that his teacher seems to take the smallest thing (behavior-wise) and turns it into a BIG thing. She called me at work to let me know that "V" had thrown a pack of gum across the playground. She seemed really bothered by it.

I'm starting to wonder if the stress of getting in trouble for little stuff is starting to affect him. Lately he's even had stomachaches during the school day.

I don't know... I was kinda hoping for a stress-free school year. Guess I was wrong.

[kretzklan]

Wow- I didn't realize how close in age Delaney and Julia are (1 month off - D will be 7 in May) and both in kindergarten.

I don't know if Julia uses ESL services at your school? But I've found that I'm using the ESL teacher as a real gauge for Delaney's behavior. I have also asked REPEATEDLY that there be consequences for her negative behavior at school. It's hard for a teacher to "punish" anymore due to all the guidelines etc. placed on them. You would have through I'd said "Fly to Pluto" when I said she should be immediately removed and sat down if she couldn't play nice (ie - no throwing or taking toys)...they really didn't want to do it thinking that a simple "that's not nice" would work - HA! I know Delaney's teacher figured out rather quickly that computer was her favorite thing. She explained to D that to get to use the computer she MUST sit still during circle time - work hard and finish her center work - not talk when the adults are speaking and be kind to her classmates. If she sees D really attaining those goals - D gets to give herself a "point" on this bear on the board. The points can also be taken away for negative behaviors - if she has 5 points at free time, she can use the computer. If not, she is assigned to a center.
This "seems" to be working right now.
In our school district - no one is held back - I don't agree with it...but it just doesn't happen. So, if that is a concern...I would talk to the teacher point blank about it. YOu are doing a great job! It sounds like Julia is figuring some things out...I hope we get there as well!

[RBSVARCHER]

When we got David home, he was 2 1/2 years old - but on the maturity level he was on a 1 year scale. From what I have read - that is to be expected in our children adopted from Russia.

As I'm sure you've read my whining posts - David has been expected to live up to the maturity age level that all the children in his class are at.

David is going through his terrible 2's and 3's at the same time - which seems normal to me - but in hindsite - I wish I knew then and had the resources now to put David in a school that has taught Russian Internationally Adopted chidren in the past. What a difference that would make. But, we live in such a small part of town, there are no kindergarten's that have taught IA children.

It does not seem "fair" to me to place David in such a demanding position - but I am told he does not know that he is being "pushed" - only I know that - and it is just another normal day for him.

There is a great website on cognative-developmental assessment if you would like to PM me for the site. This talks about school readiness and delayed entry into school and retention for another year in the same grade level.

Keep your chin up - I'll do the same!

Susan
Mom to David

[aspenhall]

Mike, do you attend some sort of church? I know that for my dd, it helped immensly for her to attend a childrens group at church. Basically reinforcing the "sit still and listen" skills. It also helped to reward her afterwards with things like going on a scenic drive, visiting family, etc...things we'd do normally on Sunday if she were in a good behavior mood all the time.
Perhaps you could discuss some goals with Julia regarding her behaviors. Say, start with Story time....practice storytime at home (are you already reading to her?) and when her focus starts to drift and wander, stop the story and discuss why, and what was happening in her brain at that moment that made her not listen. When she is in the moment she can help figure it out and self reflection is not a bad tool to be developing anyway. We include Autumn in simple goal discussions and sometimes just making her aware of this is how the "path to trouble" starts (tired, sad etc...) she can stop it or at least identify it before it goes too far. We figure out together the things and thought processes that lead to the unacceptable behavior, then we discuss alternative things to do when she feels the start down those paths. And after we come up with a plan for next time, we set a realistic expectation and goal and discuss what could be earned when she reaches that goal. For each day of good storytime...she gets 1/2 hr extra tv time OR 1/2 hr reading time with you guys. Sugar only escalates bad behaviors at our house, so treats come in the form of activities. At the end of a WHOLE WEEK of good storytime, maybe buy her a movie (like racing stripes, or herbie fully loaded, etc....) Then the following week, set the goal for not everyday, but at the end of another full week of good attention during storytime perhaps you get to go play at the arcade or go to the mcdonalds play place. The following week, say and act as if she's MASTERED storytime and add the work station to the goals. Don't move on to the next sets of goals (weekly, etc..) until she has mastered several days in a row. (3 or more). Bring it to her attention each time, how GREAT it feels to reach our goals and feel accomplished. Let her brag about it to her cousins grandparents etc...Keep saying "I always KNEW you could do it!" PRetty soon, it will become a habit and you can just keep finding more goals to set. Making her a part of the process makes her feel in control and more powerful and in my dd THAT is a biggie to her.

[lisajm54]

What a relief it is to read these stories and know I am not alone.

I adopted my daughter in November,05 after fostering her for 3 1/2 years. She is 6 and struggles with these same problems; not being able to sit still and attend to the teacher, not being able to focus on her work, attention seeking behaviors that get her out of doing her work, etc. She spent one year in a partial hospitalization day treatment program and is now in a public school kindergarten. I go for the first meeting to get her an IEP tomorrow. I am very concerned that she is not getting the academics but I also understand that she will never get a good education until the behaviors are under control. Beka was adopted domestically so there are no language issues. She is dealing with more mental illness issues.

I would appreciate any suggestions that have worked for others. It is nice to know I am not alone in this struggle. I am so thankful that I found this site.

[mikeintexas]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, comments, and support!

We met with a developmental specialist on Monday. Overall, Julia is in pretty good shape. It appears the sitting still/attention issue is one that just takes awhile. So we are "practicing" at home by having her listen to her brother read her a story or sit and do a task (e.g., coloring) for 20 minutes (which is equivalent to the time they spend doing tasks in the classroom). It looks like, at this point, it is just a matter of staying the course and there is no quick fix (not that I expected one, but man oh man it would have been nice!). The doctor offered medication but did not feel we should go this route just yet. He wanted to wait another whole year before we went there, and at this point, I tend to agree. Julia is "getting" the academic stuff...she's met all the academic standards up to this point. The question is if this will be the case over the next six months to a year, or if she will fall behind as some are prone to do.

I will keep you all posted.

Thanks again.
Mike

[RBSVARCHER]

Please do, we are all in this same situation!!!!!!!!

Susan