[angelkisses0102]

....to make THEIR tranistion to parenting a newly adopted child easier...for the PARENT?

I know exhaustion, stress, reality, among many other things... were all contributing factors to our rough transition with Alex...which lead to my PAD's...so what is that one (or more) piece of advice you would give someone just about to get their new child? That piece of advice which if you had listened to would have made life easier for you? What lessons can be learned from those of us who have been there and done that?

Thanks for sharing!

[angelkisses0102]

OK, I'll start...

I wish I would have accepted more help when people offered...even though people can't (or shouldn't) help with the baby's primary care...someone can still do the laundry, do the grocery shopping, take any other child or children out to lunch....

Come on...share...you can do it!

[maddensmom]

I would recommend to new parents:
1. Don't let people oberwhelm you with their presence. The baby will always be there. Let the first few months be yours and keep visits short and to a minimum.
2. Don't feel like you have to get too many things done. A baby christened at 18 months will be just as christened as one at 12 months. The child will also have plenty of birthday parties. Let the first be simple.
3. Find someone to share your struggle with outside of your home and direct family. Most people in the same house are as exhausted as you and your family will most often want to provide the quick fix. Find an ear that is objective, knowledgeable, compassionate, and direct even if it means paying your therapist again. Then, make are you take some time to yourself to vent.
and
4. Go away sometimes. Doing so does not make you a bad parent! Your child will not die because you go out to have an adult conversation for a hour or two once a week. And you will feel so much better and have something to look forward to.
ok...that's all I've got for now since I am definately still figuring this parenting thing out. Sheesh! I thought I had it and then he decides to turn all 2 and stuff!

[LilyMoon]

I wish I had known....

That as easy as things can be with your child while you are in Russia, they can change very quickly when you get home and settle in.

I wish I had known and was prepared for the fact that my child was going to fight me on everything from getting into pajamas to brushing teeth!

That things would again change for the better and keep getting better and better.

LilyMoon

[spaypets]

Hire a cleaning service.

[kelleymac]

I wish someone had told me that "this too, shall pass." Every stage comes and goes, and the issues that exist when you first come home will change and improve and other things will take their place.

I wish someone had told me to lighten up. That all things don't have to be perfect and that's perfectly okay. That schedules are a lifesaver, and that routine is important for a newly adopted child (and in my case, parent.)

Kelley

[kretzklan]

I wish someone had told me and REALLY made me listen - that reality and our dreams are two separate things. Life is not a Hallmark Card. There will be days where the house is dirty, the kids are crying, the parent is crying and the dog doesn't get fed...those days are real. I guess I just had a major lack of reality (even after reading the boards for months)...

[angelkisses0102]

Great thoughts...thanks!

How about...read up on 'normal' development and milestones...like What to Expect the First Year or What to Expect the Toddler Years...our kids are still kids...who just happen to have been adopted.

Keep 'um coming!

[mikeintexas]

I wish someone had told me to not only read the attachment books before your child gets home, but again after you've been home 3 to 6 months. You read them with a whole new of lenses.

I wish someone had said that it's okay to be sad that things aren't as you had dreamed (a la Kretz's hallmark card).

I wish someone had said that it's okay for you and your spouse to trade off so you each can recharge your batteries. My two-hour "break" to Target then Hastings then Starbucks was the best two hours I'd had in a long time.

[ALI143]

The older siblings in the home need breaks from the little one too.

It's been said before and I'll say it again- The house will not be as clean as before.

Take BREAKS!

[Animalcrackers]

That it's okay to not be a super parent. That just because we wanted a child for so long it's okay to need and ask for a little bit of help with things. I was totally overwhelmed with everything when we got home and didn't feel like I could ask for help with the food shopping, cleaning, errand running. There were many times when I felt like I wanted to reach out for help and my own expectations got in the way. Jacob and I spent our first day home alone together in tears after dh went back to work. It was unnecessary and stressful. No one expected me to be supermom, but me.

[treoto5]

1. Schedule, schedule, schedule. Keep naptimes at the same time everyday (if possible) and bedtimes also. This lets the child(ren) know what to expect and when to expect it. Try to keep meals around same time everyday as well.


2. It's OKAY to cry and perfectly normal. I used to cry when the kids would go to bed because I'd feel overwhelmed and guilty (did I spend enough time with them? why did I get upset at that? etc etc).

3. It DOES get easier and better (and harder too!) Children, all children, are learning to be their own person. So the whole "no" thing and making their own choices, it's a part of the process of growing and becoming themselves.

4. Don't just read adoption books. Read other books on parenting and children. Listen to other parents for their experiences and knowledge.

5. Adopted does not mean different. Don't be afraid to get after them or put them in time out or take away a privilege. All kids need structure and guidance for security and stability. Even when they disagree. Love is crucial but so is structure. Together they give the child a place to feel safe and whole.

6. You don't have to engage them every minute of every day every waking hour. It's okay to let them entertain themselves and give yourself a breather. It's good for both of you.

7. The house will not always be clean. Some days it won't even make to resembling clean. If all else fails, keep the kitchen clean, the living room neat, the toilet seat wiped (use those nifty clorox wipes and keep a container of them in the bathroom cabinet - out of child's reach). The rest can wait.

8. Meals don't have to be homecooked and super nutritious all the time. Tired? McDonald's built an empire on tired parents. It's okay to give them a happy meal once in a while. Switch the fries for apples and add milk and ta-da....dinner is served. Kids are happy to get a fun toy and mom and dad can clean up by tossing some empty wrappers. Tomorrow we can have a nutritious meal complete with veggies and home-cooking.

9. Lastly, you do need time for you. you'll feel guilty for getting away even while you enjoy it but you need it. Your body and mind and spirit need it so you can be the best parent to those children. If you aren't taking care of yourself, you can't possibly take care of those children.

Hope this helps someone out there.

Hugs

[angelkisses0102]

Great ideas...anything more?

Enjoy the good days and forget about the others!!!

[crick]

I agree with so many things already posted!!

I wish I had taken a vacation with my dh before the kids came. Everything up to that point was already about the adoption, the process and getting prepared for life with kids. Wish we had taken even a weekend alone to really relish our couplehood. Much harder to do that after kids!!! But equally important to also find more couple time after placement too.

I wish I hadn't stressed so much over the catching up stuff our kids need to do. Took 2 years to potty train my youngest and I stressed both him and myself out. Needed that reminder that he'll get it when he's ready and that he's not going to be 15 and in diapers so just let it go! Same thing with other developmental "milestones"...relax!

Find someone to vent to that has some similar experience. Try telling my girlfriends that I hid in the closet to cry that day...uh...no! But someone in the support group my county offers would have understood. Wish I'd looked more into the support groups or found others in the earlier days of placement.

Go to bed each night thinking of at least 2 good things that happened that day. Remind yourself that you did something right!

[evildishrag]

Get a haircut.