[karenjoe]

I have been carefully reading all of the posts here and relating to most of them! I'm taking mental notes on reactions to PI children's defiance, and trying to remain calm and collected when you are at your wits end. Most of the comments here are for older children however. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for a 1-year-old? She is doing a lot of the same things. Crying a LOT - and mostly a "complaining" kind of cry. "I'm not happy!" When she can't reach something, can't have something, falls from a standing position (lightly on her tush), sees you walk into the next room, has her face wiped, gets a diaper change, gets strapped in the car, sees you making her something to eat, etc etc. Pushing at you with her hands and generally over-reacting, acting willful and wanting control. This past weekend was particularly brutal - she just would not stop for more than a few minutes at a time. She'd be happy for a bit, then start in again. I have raised a bio son and honestly think it is much more than is "normal" crying and complaining. She does seem to be attaching fairly well - cuddles in when I hold her, is happy to see me when I've been out, etc. So other than attachment parenting and trying to remain calm (easier said), should there be any consequences to acting out? Should I be comforting her even when she is being bratty? But how do you set limits with an infant?Or is it my imagination that she's being bratty and it is all about loss and attachment and adjusting? Reading these posts it seems like maybe she is TRYING to keep me at arms length? Doesn't want to get to close? Or is that mainly with older kids? Most of the books I've read on attachment seem to be geared toward older chidren as well. Of course, we were trying to adopt a toddler so that may be why all my books are geared that way. I've also been told that this may just be the fact that she's a GIRL. Boy - we can be hard to live with eh? I have to admit I am a bit of a control freak also so our personalities are clashing at the moment. It's very hard to paste a smile on your face and cuddle/comfort when all you want to do is say "Can you just SHUT up for TWO minutes???"

[angelkisses0102]

Karen~

We need to talk! Alex just woke up...but I will post more here regarding infants...Alex was only 8 months and 1 day old when we got him...and his attachment issues were obvious as soon as we got home a week later.

It is 'rarer' in infants...thus less info. But it is real...and it is real hard!

[redhedded]

Karen, While I do not deny that there is a huge difference in adopting a child at birth and at 8-12 months, I would not assume that this has so much to do with attachment. I think it has a lot to do with personality. Both of my children have been with me since the day they were born. Both are healthy attached babes. Neither suffered trauma or had any prenatal exposure to anything. My daughter was the world's easiest baby but she is extremely strong willed; my son is a challenge in a different way, though also very strong willed. He is 13 months and becomes angry quickly, bangs his head, pushes with his hands to get somewhere and get on the move. He screams when I leave the room and continues to scream until I return. He wants his way no matter what.

I have many friends who have babes just like this, mostly boys. Everyone one of them is a biological child with his biological mother. I have concluded that they just need way more. But. . . I also have several friends who adopted toddlers, 10-16 months. Some were easier than others; again, I think personality is a huge factor.

This age is hard, the hardest in my opinion. Little people are beginning to understand cause and effect, are becoming opinionated and really able to indicate/verbalize that. They are much smarter than given credit for, are trying to assert some independence while being simultaneously terrified to venture to far away; it is all new territory for them. And. . . becoming frustrated, irritated, and exhibiting that is all totally normal toddler behavior. It also happens much much earlier for some kids than others. My son is exhibiting "terrible twos" now; my dd did at 10-16 months. She was mostly always delightful between 2-3 years.

I absolutely believe they also know stress and impatience when they see it. It might be necessary for you to put her in her crib and give yourself five minutes to de-stress. It can make a world of difference for you and her. It is also important, I think, to closely examine your responses to her screaming/whining. Are you giving her the most attention and interaction when she is angry/upset/screaming? Ignoring her at this age, when you know she is just angry because she did not get her way, can be very effective, though it depends a lot on the individual child. That did not work with my daughter.

Hang it there.

[angelkisses0102]

1. Honeymoon Period: Time period before the child begins to realize this is not another caretaker situation. The child is not forced to address attachment. Life is going on as before.

2. Testing: How far can the child go before consequences occur? What happens when I do this undesirable behavior? Will I get a new caretaker? Will this one stay?

3. Approach-Avoidance: the child starts to settle in and then backs away when under stress (reverting to old behavior that served them well earlier in life). That it comes and goes, but diminishes in intensity over time. This is why when you have setbacks, they resolve quicker and attachment becomes stronger.

4. Trades Old Behaviors for New: To trade old behaviors for new, you are asking your child to:
a. Trust you that she will be safe
b. Trust you that she does not have to worry
about adult behavior
c. Believe that you are trustworthy.

Remember: Your child is accustomed to adults that frighten, abandon and hurt them. Your child is used to taking care of himself and possibly siblings.

Why would your child change and how will your
child know it is safe to change? Would I (child)
give up things that helped me survive? If I give
them up, can I get it back if I need it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


1.) For us, we had no honeymoon period. Most of the time this is about 3 to 4 months.

2.) For us, this lasted 11 months.

3.) We have been here for the last 7 months...no end in sight.

4.) Some day...some day....

Here's a little something on phases of attachment in PI kids....I am looking for some more stuff that should help you...
Karen

[sugarbabysmommy]

A quick question. We're off for the morning routine so I'll try to return later. How long has she been home? From your signature line it looks like your baby has been home less than two months.

[angelkisses0102]

Children who are adopted after the age of 6 months or so are at risk for attachment problems. Normal attachment develops during the child's first two years of life. Problems with the parent-child relationship during that time, or breaks in the consistent caregiver-child relationship, prevent attachment from developing normally. There is a wide range of attachment problems that result in varying degrees of emotional disturbance in the child. The severity of attachment disorder seems to result from the number of breaks in the bonding cycle and the extent of the child's emotional vulnerability.......
So how can we tell the difference between a child who "looks" attached, and a child who really is making a healthy, secure attachment? This question becomes important for adoptive families, because some adopted children will form an almost immediate dependency bond to their adoptive parents. To mistake this as secure and healthy attachment can lead to many problems down the road. Just because a child calls someone "Mom" or "Dad," snuggles, cuddles, and says "I love you," does not mean that the child is attached, or even attaching. Saying, "I love you," and knowing what that really feels like can be two different things. Attachment is a process. It takes time. The key to its formation is trust, and trust becomes secure only after repeated testing.Normal attachment takes a couple of years of cycling through mutually positive interactions. The child learns that he is loved, and can love in return. The parents give love, and learn that the child loves them. The child learns to trust that his needs will be met in a consistent and nurturing manner, and that the he "belongs" to his family, and they to him. Positive interaction. Trust. Claiming. Reciprocity (the mutual meeting of needs, give and take). These must be consistently present for an extended period of time for healthy, secure attachment to take place. It is through these elements that a child learns how to love and how to accept love.
FIRST YEAR OF LIFE CYCLE
by Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D.

The first year is a year of needs. When the infant has a need, it initiates attachment behavior in order to summon a nurturing response from the attachment figure. The need-gratifying response usually includes touch, eye contact, movement, smiles and lactose. When gratification occurs, trust is built. This cycle occurs hundreds of times a week and thousands of times in the first year. From this relationship, a synchronicity develops between parent and child. The caregiver develops a greater awareness of the child and learns just how to respond. The child develops good cause-and-effect thinking, feels powerful, trusts others, shows exploratory behavior and develops empathy and a conscience.

Parenting children with attachment difficulties is a job that requires a great deal of patience, understanding, courage, solid support systems and personal fortitude. Children with attachment difficulties rarely and only superficially return love. Therapists, teachers, child protective services and even spouses often do not understand the challenge and deception an attachment-disordered child displays toward an adoptive or foster parent in charge of primary care. Often times the child will project the greatest amount of pathology towards the mother figure in an attempt to make the world believe that if the mother was not so harsh and controlling, the child would be as lovable as he superficially displays.

Therapists often times are introduced to attachment disorder cases by witnessing a burned-out parent in their office who is angry, resentful and full of blame toward their child. The child, however, is engaging, full of energy, innocent and displaying confusion at the parent's anger. Unfortunately, the therapist reacts by thinking (and sometimes saying), "If this mom would just lighten up on this kid, she would not have so many problems." This can lead the therapist to scolding the parent much in the same way the parent scolds the child. Many well-intentioned but naive healthcare workers believe that, "All this kid needs is love," and end up creating an alliance with the child against the parents that further prevents the family getting the help they desperately need.

TREATMENT

The basic purpose of attachment therapy is to help the child resolve a dysfunctional attachment. The goal is to help the child bond to the parents and to resolve the fear of loving and being loved.

A major dynamic in the treatment is the affective regressive work needed to heal the emotional wounds that drive these children's behavior. Therapeutic holding allows the child to access deep, genuine, and intense emotions needed to work through the feelings, not simply get over them. A corrective emotional experience is orchestrated when allowing the child to express these feelings, recognize and recall them, and identify the events and the people involved. In essence, the child going through this experience with their parents allows for resolution of old pathological emotions while simultaneously creating powerful new bonds.

Here's some info from Dr Art...

[karenjoe]

Thanks Karen and everyone else so far! Yes - we've been home less than 2 months. I guess my main issue is - is she being willful or is it attachment related? Because depending on which it is my reaction should be different correct? She has def attached more to me than to DH. However, my husband tells me that when I am not around she is perfectly fine and plays by herself. When I come in the room she is crabby and complaining - but not necessarily reaching to me for comfort. So....???? Is it her "testing" as above or does she just hate my guts? Is she looking for comfort or something else? Or perhaps she is just trying to control me?

[angelkisses0102]

http://pnpic.org

www.radzebra.org

Karen~
Here's another couple of links...

I will say...trust your gut on this one...what you are describing 'sounds' like more attachment related than anything else...yes personality plays a role in it...but based on our children's history...the fact that they are PI kids...who had nothing close to a 'normal' beginning...who never had their needs met until us...I personally feel that it is better to err on the side of it being attachment related.

You have been home a very, very short period of time, although I am certain some days it feels like an eternity...you are the primary caregiver, you will get the brunt of the behaviors and issues. My DH still has trouble believing me some days, even though he has seen the behaviors over the past 2 years, it is very, very infrequently.

Our kids missed out on so, so much...if we don't address and try to heal them now, we and they will suffer the impact and consequences for a lifetime.

I am looking for some new info for you...have you looked thru all the links I sent yet? If so, I will send you more.

OK, let me give my personal opinion on your questions...

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for a 1-year-old? She is doing a lot of the same things. Crying a LOT - and mostly a "complaining" kind of cry. "I'm not happy!" When she can't reach something, can't have something, falls from a standing position (lightly on her tush), sees you walk into the next room, has her face wiped, gets a diaper change, gets strapped in the car, sees you making her something to eat, etc etc. Pushing at you with her hands and generally over-reacting, acting willful and wanting control. This past weekend was particularly brutal - she just would not stop for more than a few minutes at a time. She'd be happy for a bit, then start in again.

Are you carrying/holding her? If not, I strongly suggest getting a carrier of some sort and not put her down...I swear Alex's feet didn't hit the ground for months. She is pushing you away because it is safer than allowing you in...she risks so much of herself and all the walls she has built to protect herself...if she lets you in...so she will push you away.

She does seem to be attaching fairly well - cuddles in when I hold her, is happy to see me when I've been out, etc. So other than attachment parenting and trying to remain calm (easier said), should there be any consequences to acting out?

On who's terms, yours or hers. Try this, pick her up and hold her like a newborn...cradle her. What is her reaction? Does she squirm to get down or arch her back and FIGHT? Will she look you in the eye or avoid eye contact?

Time-ins...never time outs or anything to physically seperate the 2 of you...pick her up...talk to her...

Should I be comforting her even when she is being bratty? But how do you set limits with an infant?Or is it my imagination that she's being bratty and it is all about loss and attachment and adjusting?

Yes! Yes! Yes!!!! Treat her at her emotional age....how old is she? If she is 12 months old...treat her like a 6 month old. She is probably still grieving...even though our kids were not in ideal situations and sometimes awful situatins...they still grieve for their losses...because they have lost EVERYTHING they have ever known...regardless of what we think or feel about their previous situation...it was all they ever knew.

Reading these posts it seems like maybe she is TRYING to keep me at arms length? Doesn't want to get to close? Or is that mainly with older kids? Most of the books I've read on attachment seem to be geared toward older chidren as well.

She very well may be....again, it is 'safer' for her to keep you away...she doesn't believe she can trust you yet! Alex took 11 months to trust DH....

It's very hard to paste a smile on your face and cuddle/comfort when all you want to do is say "Can you just SHUT up for TWO minutes???"

Hugs! Yes it is...yes it is. That is when I would put him in the pack and play and go and cry/scream/sob/whatever worked for the moment in another room.

Just know you are not alone...keep coming here...we understand...

[aspenhall]

Wow, my dd wasn't PI...but also wasn't well cared for in her bio home.....and we have been at number 4 for a week or twin and reverting to #3 and then back to 4 for the past 2 months or so.

The 5 month old baby that I daycare-sit, also has fits of anger if she wants you to be looking at her, holding her, and you can't at the moment. This isn't just your child. And it does happen this young. Even though your child can't speak, she can understand some words and, all tones. I agree to let her cry if you have to. But be careful that your always meeting her needs as well. If she needs to be comforted, then not comforting her will give you worse attachment issues down the road...

[angelkisses0102]

Aspen~

Unfortunately, your DD doesn't have to be a PI child...there are lots of kids who suffer from attachment disorder in this country. There are lots of reasons...poverty, mom being young and uneducated, abuse, neglect, mom being physically or emotionally unavailable, drug &/or alcohol abuse....

It is very normal to bounce between the levels...that is something I am intimately familiar with....
Karen

[karenjoe]

Originally Posted by FH-angelkisses0102

Try this, pick her up and hold her like a newborn...cradle her. What is her reaction? Does she squirm to get down or arch her back and FIGHT? Will she look you in the eye or avoid eye contact?

Hi Karen - I have looked thru all of those links and am practicing some of the attachment suggestions that are applicable to younger kids. I was holding her some, but more recently am trying more. Also doing some attachment games and such. She seems to have pretty good eye contact. Not every time I "ask" for it, but overall she will look me in the eye when we are interacting. As for cradling - she's a fighter. She cries and fights and won't make eye contact at this point. I assume this is a sign of attachment struggles? I can cradle her a bit above horizontal while giving her a bottle and she seems ok with it. So I'm not really sure - seems like mixed signals.

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by karenjoe

As for cradling - she's a fighter. She cries and fights and won't make eye contact at this point. I assume this is a sign of attachment struggles? I can cradle her a bit above horizontal while giving her a bottle and she seems ok with it. So I'm not really sure - seems like mixed signals.

Karen~cradling is a completely submissive position...yes, it is a sign of attachment struggles (and please everyone remember, attachment struggle does not mean RAD or even attachment disorder) if it is fought in many kids. Try swaddling her...after the bath in a towel. This works wonders with both my kids.

How hard she fights is another sign. Alex fights, HARD....cries, screams, arches his back, tries to hurt me if his hands aren't restrained....kicks. Arianna would try to get down...would struggle but not anywhere near the intensity of how Alex reacted.

Who holds the bottle? You should be....does she look you in the eye during these feedings?

Karen

[aspenhall]

She may just be interseted in what else is going on....Lots of babies refuse to be horizontal esp. at this age. Try cuddling in a room that has soft music playing and nothing much to look at. (other kids playing, dog, cat etc... I actually HATE singing lullabyes, so I'll put on "Monster Ballads" (80's rock) and sing along to those!

[MustangLippy]

My DS was a complete pill as a baby, love him mightely though I do. A little emporer that the world must revolve around or hear about it. So I have no idea if its attachment related with DD or not but from my own experience I'd say that even if it isn't I'd still not try to change it ....yet. She's just too young to understand these lessons yet. My husband and parents thought I was spoiling DS, but I felt that for whatever reason he needed these things when he needed them to be secure and I wasn't going to punish him for it. So I bent all my rules and gave in and toed the line and tried my hardest to keep him happy at all times if at all possible. And it was a hard road. Very hard, with visits to spealists along the way for "spirited" children.

BUT, as soon as I felt he was old enough to really understand (around 2.5) I started drawing lines in the sand which he may not cross without consequences. Now he is 3 months shy of 4 and he's a joy. And I'd say we're fairly strict task masters which he requires. But he's the best behaved kid in the room and I like being around him and others do too. I've read many times that these spirited kids often turn into the most well adjusted adults and I hope that is true!

So my humble opinion, and its just that because i never knew I was doing the right thing for sure, just hoped I was (and it turned out OK) is even if she is being a complete pill and it has nothing to do with attachment do keep indulging her as much as you can. She's too young to understand anything else. Just give her as much unconditional love as possible knowing that just because she's a spoilt baby doesn't mean she'll be a spoilt child.

And I think its going to be nearly impossible to determine whether its her personality or attachment related. If I go down the list of attachment disorder symptoms my bio son has many more of them than my newly adopted daughter, and he is not unattached, never has been. He's just high maintenance.

And don't beat yourself up when you can't meet her demands, or you have to put her down and walk away while she screams and you scream. These are very trying kids and you'd be a saint to live with it day in and out without losing it sometimes. Sometimes many sometimes in one day. I didn't want to come home from work in the evenings for about a year if that gives you any idea. But we breezed through most of the two's and the three's while friends that had easy babies and toddlers are now getting a slice of rebellion from their three year olds...so maybe you'll just get it out of the way early!

[maddensmom]

Hi Karen,
My son was 6 months old when I brought him home, and I just want to say that I didn't really get on board with attachment parenting until quite a while after and that decision hurt us both. Now that I use some attachment parenting techniques, modify others to best suit me, and refuuse some we have come a long way. I guess my point is that it doesn't hurt to try what you feel comfortable doing. And if you are not confortable with something, that is ok too.
JMHO, I think she may be crying because she needs you right now. She might not know what she needs IS YOU may be the problem. Do you know how it is when you are not really hungry but want something? I think she may be anxiuos over the fact that she needs to feel safe and secure and attached and is simply unsure where to get her needs met. It is very common for kids to actually puch away those that are there to meet their needs. You just have to keep coming back and keep responding to that cry no matter how many times and no matter how difficult. It is sad but you have to remember that she has probably cried in the past and not had her needs met and so she is trained to feel that "want" no matter what. You just have to keep being the answer no matter what.
There are successes that come in such small doses at first and then full fledged later. My son, who is 22 months old, has JUST started actually wanting me to hold him. Finally he holds his arms up to me because he wants me after months of batting at me, pushing away from me, and me holding him as much as I found appropriate and as much as I felt did not hinder his natural sense of curiousity. And, we do practice a modified version of holding time. We started at bedtime. I would sit him on my lap facing me and we would rock and play and sing and touch each other. This is so helpful in promoting eye contact. Then when he gets tired enough to be ok with it, I shift him into the cradle position. I trace his lips and nose and eyes and hairline with my fingers and rub his hands and feet a lot. You'll see remarkable improvements after doing this a while, I promise.
And, I do agree that personality has a lot to do with things. My son is simply very strong willed sometimes, but I will admit that for months I mistook his attachments problems with just personality. Not every problem like this is an attachment problem and the line between attachment and personality can blur at times. But with a PI child, JMHO, but isn't it better to err on the side of caution?
Anyway, I am sorry to ramble on. Your story sounds so like mine in some regards. It pains me so that I waited so long to help my child out of mere ignorance. I would be more than happy to help you anytime. It sounds like your baby girl needs you something aweful right now. There is no discipline for that... just love... over and over again until that baby whose needs were not met knows that her Mama is going to meet them EVERY time she calls for you. When that happens, she'll caall you less because she'll know you are there...