[JustMe]

I wrote this to remind myself that everything can change in a year's time period. I hope it blesses you...

The Grocery List
*name changed to protect identity*

“Let’s go around the table and say what we’re thankful for, “ my friend quipped from across the kitchen. Everyone nodded in agreement except for me. Perhaps they thought that I just didn’t hear or was preoccupied. Not true. I was ignoring the suggestion all together. I had nothing to be thankful for. I have a wonderful, supportive husband; a great job; wonderful family missing me in Texas; wonderful friends who invited my husband and me to share Thanksgiving with them; good health; financially stable. Yet, I could see none of those things for a phone call the day before had set me on my ear again.

Looking back at the day before…

I was puttering around the house after work, trying to decide what to bring to my friends house. My heart was all fluttering inside, for we had gotten a call earlier in the week that *Rebecca* had just delivered a beautiful baby boy by C-Section. We had received all the details of what he might need, should the placement go through. Along with my Thanksgiving grocery list were things I thought I’d never write on there. Simalac with Iron, Playtex nurser bottles, Size 1 diapers (which brand???). I glanced at the list again and took a deep breath. Is it OK to go buy these things? Should I wait until I know for sure? I put the list back down as I wrestled with what to do. My husband drove up from his work at church and glanced at me. “Are you OK?” ‘Sure,” I replied. “Just not looking forward to going to the grocery store.” ‘That’s my little procrastinator!’, he proudly exclaimed and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. Brent and I are opposites in every way. He starts and finishes every project he ever undertakes. I undertake a lot of projects and never finish them. Brent delights in that because I never did it to his liking in the first place, so he actually liked to clean up after me and get things done right. But shopping was never one of his gifts. So he always leaves it up to me. He looks down at the list I made and a slight scowl crosses his face. “I think you can wait on some of those items till a little later, hon”, he says gently. “I know you want to be prepared, but it’s going OK, really. Let’s just wait a little while longer. Alright?” Actually, it was more than alright. It was a relief. This is why I had been dragging to go to the grocery store all week. I just couldn’t make up my mind about what to do about the list. Get it? Don’t get it. The same words swirling in my brain. Relieved to have an answer, I picked up my list again and grabbed my car keys. Jus then the phone rang…

…after hanging up the phone, I sat on the floor and just sobbed. Brent didn’t ask. He didn’t have to ask. He just sat on the floor with me and held me close. Though no tears came from him, I could feel his shoulders shaking. He was trying so hard to be brave for me; for him; for both of us. Just minutes ago, I had mentioned to our adoption specialist how I was glad that Rebecca had made the decision to parent her son. I went on to explain that she had to make many hard choices in her life and we were so glad that she just never made the choice to abort her son, but to give him life and now to parent him too. This just wasn’t our time right now and though we’re sad, we have peace in knowing we helped a young lady make the best choice that she could for her son and herself. Then I hung up the phone. I knew the words I had just spoken. I meant every one. And I sobbed uncontrollably in spite of that. Wave after wave of grief just washed over me. It was like a miscarriage all over again. And exactly at seven weeks – just like all the other miscarriages before. Why seven weeks? Why not two or ten? Brent holds on like we’re fixing to slip off a ledge into a dark cavern. And we don’t move for over an hour. Sitting crumpled up on the floor, the only words manageable, a prayer – no a cry to God with only one word, “Why?”

Now sitting around the table on Thanksgiving, we listen to everyone give a glowing report of all that they were thankful for. Then came Brent’s turn. He grabs my hand and thanks God for our lives together, for our friends today, for just the time we have to spend together. Then he tenderly looks at me and says, “Do you want to add anything, hon?” Bless his heart, always protecting me. I glance around at my friends who had heard the stories in hushed whispers and said, “thank you for having us over.” Our friends smile broadly in a way that says “we understand”. Nothing more is said or even asked. And we eat in peace….

Now fast forward a year…

We’re going back over to our friends house again this year for Thanksgiving. The grocery list sits on my table and on it are things like size four diapers and formula. And it’s not a question of should we get it; it’s more like where can we get it the cheapest? Wally-world, of course. We live at Wally world. The grocery list is not as neat as last years. It is scribbled in a hurry and it tends to run downhill, because someone is tugging on my arm and pointing at whatever has captured his attention at the moment. His fishbowl on the floor; the cat meowing outside the door; the half full bottle on the counter. “Just a minute,” I tell him and gently lower him to the floor. This is not good enough for him and soon I feel hand over hand running up my pant leg and then the same tugging on the arm, this time accompanied by baby chatter and quizzical brown eyes. I try to put him on what’s left of my lap and he happily grabs the pen and adds his own touches to the grocery list.

And then last year’s memory comes in like a flood and I’m sobbing uncontrollably from all the thankfulness that is pouring through my heart – for all the heartache I know a dear loved one is feeling four hours away from home – for another dearly loved boy who is celebrating his one year birthday with his mother - and for my own personal future of next year’s adventure with two children. Brent comes in and notices Anthony bathed in my tears. He asks, “Are those happy tears or sad tears?” I reply through a smile, “Both, actually.” “I’ll never understand you, hon. Say, I see you got the grocery list done. Uh, Holly? I think you’ll have to do it over.” “Why?” “Well, the tears made your ink run…” I looked down and sure enough, I can’t read a thing.

I grab two fresh sheets of paper and grab another pen. Anthony and I work on the grocery list together. I can’t help but smile and hold him tighter. And write down the words formula and diapers all over again…

That was wonderful to relate your story with the rest of us! I am so glad you are now a happy family. Adoption is such a roller coaster, but at a moments notice your world can change. I don't know how people get through this without faith in God. Have a wonderful holiday season!

[JustMe]

I love what you said, "I don't know how people get through this without faith in God." That is so true!

There are so many times when He seems silent, though. But I've come to learn that when He is silent that usually means that it is a season of rest for us.

When I was thinking about being a Mommy-in-Waiting, God showed me something profound that I hadn't realized before. I'd like to share it here.
******************************
Psalms 127:1a

"Unless the Lord build the house,
its builders labor in vain..."

Waiting is so hard to do, but it too is an important part of the adoption journey. Have you ever been on a long car trip with someone who's eyes were so focused on the destination, that they never believed in stopping along the way? Were they were so concerned with the outcome of the trip, they had no consideration for the other passengers in the car?

If we let our eyes become so focused on our adoption "destination" then we will have missed the joy and beauty of where our journey is taking us. Don't forget to stop and pamper yourself and your family, from time to time. It's OK if you don't think about the agency for one day. Give yourself the authority to turn the cell phone off. Take a vacation from e-mail. You deserve time to stop on the side of the road of your journey now and then just to breathe and live again. Your other passengers (your family) will thank you.

Remember, Just because you stopped at the side of the road for a break doesn't mean that God stopped working too. He knows that you need the rest now, because once He builds your house, you won't be resting again for a long, long time!

*************************
Merry Christmas to you too Bailey!

Holly Noel

[reneetaylor]

Just Me - I'm at work reading this and it made me cry. Your story was so beautiful! I know all to well what those feelings are like because I've been there myself. Congrats on your son and on your next child or children. Our son will not be home this year for Christmas, but thankfully we have our beautiful daughter and God-Willing, we'll have our boy with us this summer. It truely is amazing how much life changes in only one year!

[JustMe]

Renee, thank you from sharing from your heart! I know a little bit of your story from the other board we have met at, but would you mind sharing with the folks here what's going on in your and your children's lives?

I'm praying for you impending adoption in Guatamalia! How exciting! And I know what a joy it must be to share Chrstimas with your daughter!!!

Merry Christmas, Renee!

Holly

[reneetaylor]

Ok Holly, put me on the spot!

To give you all a brief run down of events....My beautiful, wonderful, daughter was adopted from Russia in 1998 when she was 12 months old. My ex and I traveled the first time to meet her in April, thinking that we were going to meet our 9 month old son. As it turned out, he was no longer available, our coordinator pressured us to take an older child, and when we said "no", they took us to another babyhouse and introduced us to three other kids around the age of 11-14 months. One of whom was my daughter Mariah. We traveled back one month later and adopted her on May 18th, 9 days after her first birthday. She has been the joy of my life ever since!

Then, jumping forward one year, I had a miscarriage at 12.5 weeks, my ex and I split up because he couldn't handle the pressures and responsibilities of being a dad, and Mariah and I found out the hard way that we could do just fine on our own.

A short time later, I met my dream man and he fell in love with me and my daughter, and we got married in late 2000. So, skipping forward another year... the ex husband died (another long story!), I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had to have a hysterectomy, Mariah starts calling my husband "Daddy" and we start talking about adopting another child.

This year comes around and my husband is doing a step-parent adoption for Mariah, and we have found our son in Guatemala and are currently doing our homestudy and getting our dossier together to bring him home (hopefully!) this summer.

So anyway, we have had a busy time of it and my fears of being abandoned by this husband due to him feeling pressured, etc. are all a thing of the past. Beleive me, if he could put up with everything we've been through in the last three years, then he can put up with anything! He is fantastic and so dedicated to us that I know he will continue to be a great dad to Mariah and to our presently un-named son. (By the way, what do you like better... Ethan James, Joshua James, or Noah James?)

I know that God is watching over us all, and He has a plan. We just can't know what it is yet. It is almost like having a Christmas present under the tree that you know you want, but you can't have it until December 25th. You just need to trust that your parents know you well enough to give you something that you really need and that is really special. That kind of trust is what God wants you to have in him.

Even though I've been in bad places in my life, and had a rough childhood and then an abusive first marriage, etc. etc., blah blah blah....I know that it was all for a reason and I wouldn't change a thing because it made me into the person that I am today. I am happy and healthy and finally feel happy with who I am and how I live my life. If it is in God's plan to bless our family with this little boy in Guatemala, then I know it will happen. If not, then it wasn't meant to be and hopefully there is another child out there who is meant to be a part of our family. Either way... we have each other and I know that that is enough.

[JustMe]

Loved your testimony! Wonder what's around the corner for you this coming year???

Blessings to you!

Holly

[rumicub]

I have tears running down my cheeks. This is all I want in life to be a mommy,but...........WE CAN'T AFFORD ADOPTION! IT will never happen for me. I will never know the feeling of that tiny pudgy hand grasping mine, nor the patter of little feet runing down my halls. I won't hear "mommy" from my own childs lips because its all about money to these people its not a child and they don't care how fast or even if a child finds a home, not really or else they would allow people to adopt without putting huge dollar signs in front of a child's face. I am a Christian and for some reason God want or needs me to not to have a child.

[MandaT]

Just a note to say both stories are beautiful and show me what I have to look forward to.

Renee- I vote for Joshua James - Although I have to say I am biased as that is my 21 yr old nephews name.

Merry Christmas!

[organicmommy]

You don't have to have a lot of money to adopt a child. You can adopt through the state and get a child that way. They may not be a newborn, but going international they are not generally newborn either. Check into your county social services and see what they can do for you.
Good luck

[JustMe]

Rumicub, I know exactly what you mean. When we looked at both domestic and international - we just went "wow...how is this ever going to happen?" Then somebody gave me the little book called "The Prayer of Jabez" by Bruce Wilkenson. One of my favorite little chapters in this tiny book is about being overwhelmed. The writer asks if God ever asked you to do something and you felt completely overwhelmed by the task? Then good, because that's when you know that there is nothing you can do, it only can be done with God's help and His provisions alone.

Well, those finances looked really overwhelming to my husband and I. Even in spite of the sliding scale at Bethany (who I highly recommend!), which is a non-profit organization, the costs are still a lot. Lots of legal fees, medical expenses, and so forth.

(By the way, anyone looking to adopt - ask for an itemized breakdown! Bethany does it right up front, but I'm not sure about others.)

The cool thing is that at Bethany, you don't have to pay everything right up front. Still, a fee here and a fee there and it was still impossible for us.

While reading the Prayer of Jabez book I got inspired. I showed it to my husband and we just sat there and prayed "Lord, this is overwhelming. We cannot do this through our own finances, but you are Jehova Jirah - our Provider, so we are asking for Your provisions and not our meager own.)

We told no one of our prayer to God. Not our church family, not our immediate family. Nobody. We waited on God.

And He came through.

Funds came in from the oddest places.

And the adoption is paid for. Totally. And we're still in the same place financially as we were before we started the adoption process. It wasn't us. It was Him!!!

When it got overwhelming, and we realized we couldn't do it on our own and gave it over to God and Him alone - He provided, just like He said He would.

I know it sounds trite, but pray and believe! See what God will do for you!

Holly

[JustMe]

Renee, I forgot to vote! I vote for Joshua James too. I don't know why I like it so much. Just sounds very western and rugged and handsome!

I had to tell you about an "ah-ha" moment that happened for me and it's in relation to what I told Rumicube about being overwhelmed.

I hope on another board you didnt take me wrong when I said that I got mad at people who said, "God will never give you more than you can handle." I did write that and mean it, and then I looked at previous posts, and shoot - you wrote that to me. Sorry bout that! I wasn't trying to personally slam you - please forgive me?

The phrase does bother me, and yes, at times it makes me angry - not at anyone in particular, just been told it a lot and something just something about that phrase rubs me the wrong way...and then I had this lightbulb of "OOOHHHH"

I don't know who originally came up with that phrase, but I realized after reading about Shadrack, Meshack and Abednigo (and I'm sure I spelled them all wrong!), that God gave them quite a bit more than they could handle on their own! In fact...

Moses people were pressed between the Red Sea and certain death by invading Egyptians...

Daniel had nothing but prayer to arm him against a tribe of hungry lions in a dark den...

A young boy David had a few smooth stones and one shot at a man who towered over the tallest and strongest warriors of Israel...

A widow had nothing but a few empty pots and the last remains of food which of all things a prophet of God wanted to eat...

Naman is told to wash his leprosy down in the muddiest of rivers in the Jordan (yeah, right - bath in mud to get clean...hmmm...)

Four guys hack their way through a roof to see their friend get healed...

etc...

Holly's lightbulb for the day: The fact is God often gives His people overwhelming circumstances and odds. He does it over and over and over again. He doesn't give us anything we can handle because if we could handle it, He couldn't get the glory. And it's all about His glory and a testimony that glorifies Him. So there really is no truth to "God won't give you anything more than you can handle." Actually, He'll give you a lot of stuff you can't handle, so He can handle it for you - the way it should be. And anything we are handling, is the hardest stuff to turn over to Him because we can wrap our pathetic grips around it. That's the stuff that doesn't want to be sacrificed on the alter - and that's what needs it the most.

Sorry, I get off my soapbox now. I'm just glad I finally figured out why I didn't like that phrase!

There's got to be a more comforting way of comforting God's people in the midst of firey trial. But all I can think of is stand still and see what the Lord will do.

Your a blessing Renee! And just by reading your testimonies, I can see God's work in your life.

Thanks for your words of encouragement to me!

Holly

[reneetaylor]

Well thank you Holly! You've made me feel better... I must admit that I was feeling bad about sending you that post saying that you can handle anything that comes your way. You are right about it being God that can handle the pressures of life, not necessarily us. By the way, how are you feeling? How is Anna?

I'm looking for a little support right now myself, so I'd appreciate your insight. You always post the most amazingly inspirational comments.

You know we got this referral of "Joshua James" last month, and now I'm starting to have doubts about the whole Guatemalan heritage part of it. My maternal grandmother is very predjudiced and so are her two sons (my mom's brothers), of anyone who is not "white" like them. (Did I say that I live in the South?) Well my mom has started seeing a black man which totally floored the whole family, because she wasn't exactly the most liberal person herself. Well this has caused a fallout between her and her family that is to the extreme. My brother and I are ok with the situation, as long as this guy makes her happy, but we wonder about the long term consequences with the rest of the family. It is very uncomfortable for me to be around my grandmother and uncles now, and I am sick of hearing about how my mom has "ruined her life"! I've said repeatedly that I am staying out of it, but it never fails to come up.

So when I showed my grandmother Joshua's picture, she didn't say too much at first, and then started in with the questions about him fitting in and how dark was he going to be and what about the questions he would get, how Mariah would feel about it, etc... And that made me start doubting what we are doing. I know that in our immediate family of me, my husband, and Mariah, that we wouldn't care about the color issue and that we'd love him regardless of outside comments. But then I look at the way my mom has been ostracized from the family, and how she is already trying to use Joshua as a way to justify what she is doing with this new boyfriend of hers, and it just makes me want to scream. Family is very important to me, and it pisses me off to feel like they wouldn't totally accept our new son. I don't want to have to explain to him that this part of my family won't accept him and therefore we have nothing to do with them, or that they show favortism to Mariah because of the lighter color of her skin. I know an old friend of mine went through this when she adopted her first child from Guatemala, and her grandmother finally came around once she saw the baby. Have any of you gone through this... can you offer any suggestions on how to handle it without causing added family strife?

Thanks for listening. By the way, I just got new pictures e-mailed to me today and Joshua is looking more beautiful than he did in the first pictures. I think I am already falling in love with him!

Renee

[JustMe]

My son Anthony is bi-racial and the most beautiful child you've ever seen. Ok, so I'm a little biased! Well, mabye a lot! He has Hallie Berry kind of looks. And flirt! Does that boy ever like to flirt. He's been kissed on by more women than my husband ever has in his entire lifetime.

But I digress already...

My husband and I grew up in the South and our families all still live in the same town that we grew up in. Though times are changing, a lot remains the same, and when Brent and I started entertaining thoughts about adoptiong bi-racially or International, we wondered how our families would handle it. Our parents and siblings were absolutly fine. But our grandmothers...our grandmothers lived in a different era and you can even see today by examples of public figures Strom Thurmond and Trent Lott that some people never live past the past in the South.

Now, both of our grandpas had passed away before the adoption journey started. So it was only our grandmothers we had to worry about. You've done what we had to do to. We had to go to them and ask them what they thought of us adopting a bi-racial or International child that wasn't caucaisan.

My grandmother was perfectly fine with it. She said, "all children need a home to be loved and reared up in godly ways. You'll do just fine." So I pressed the issue with her and told her that this child would not only look different from the rest of the family, he/she may and probably will go on to be married to someone from his/her hertiage background and her great-grandkids could be totally comprised of different cultures. Did that bother her? Her reply "Sugar, your job is to raise that baby up to love the Lord. Nothing else matters. If you can raise your baby to love the Lord then you will have made this family proud." And that was it for her. She kisses on him and shows his picture to EVERYONE only for a 100 times or so. "Have you seen Anthony?" five minutes later "Have you seen Anthony?". Don't get us in the same room together - we will bore you to death with stories on him!

My husband's grandmother - far more reserved. She didn't ask many questions and we couldn't get a lot of her feelings out of her one way or the other. She never told any other member of the family her thoughts either...so we just had to then pray and trust what the Lord would have for us. I have to admit, her reservedness made me nervous.

I have had people tell me that no matter what extended family think, just go for what you think is right and to heck with the rest of the family. Personally, I couldn't do that to our child. Being adopted is always ackward enough in social family gatherings, especially where you don't see them on a daily basis. And to add potential racial prejudices in the mix?

Can you see him/her at a large family gathering? Standing to one side trying to figure out how to fit in with his/her cousins, when he/she doesn't feel like they belong with their cousins at all? There is something very daunting about being in a group of people who are genetically related and no matter how loved you are, there's still this wierd feeling of displacement. Ever been to somebody else's house for a holiday dinner or wedding or family gathering? Sure, you have a good time, but somehow those genetic ties can make you feel aloof. You will always forever be their friend, but no matter how they tell you, it's hard to actually feel like you're part of the family, unless you've been with all of them a long long time.

For chidren of adoption, going through family gatherings as a child is hard. You have to learn how to relate to people who love you but don't think or act or even have the same food tastes as you. It really is a big deal, and as a child it is overwhelming. It was imparative to us to make sure that even our extended family had a say in our adoption.

After Anthony was entrusted to our care, we made the journey back to our hometown to show him to family and old friends. He was the hit of show. Even my husband's grandmother didn't want anybody else to hold him, but her. Later in a follow up homestudy visit, our SW asked if the reason he was accepted so readily by her, was because of his lighter, Halley Berry type bi-racial appearance. In all honesty, we don't know the answer, but that really could be a possibilty. She didn't even know he was bi-racial for a while. I don't know why, but she thought he was either Hispanic or Indian. When we told her that he was bi-racial, she said "Oh" and nothing more was said. But as I observed her, nothing else seemed to change in her attitude toward him either.

We don't have the open hostile feelings that you are experiencing with your grandmother and you're right to think of how will this affect Joshua in the future. No, you can't rely on the fact that when he's with your family that your grandmother will instantly fall in love with him. While that can happen (and usually it's easier to accept a child than a grown-up...grrr), you still have to look years down the road when Joshua is no longer a toddler but a young man. Will the charming, babyness, wear off and bring back old prejudices? Hopefully, if anything, it would make your grandmother grow up to realize how aweful they are. And that is a change only the Lord can make. Not you or any of your family - including Joshua. He may use the experience to teach her, but are you willing to risk your son's sense of belonging for that?

Sounds like you have a battleground. And you have to decide where to draw the lines, if your willing to do so. And it sounds like you are thinking through all these things right now. I have no answers for you, because you must decide what is best for Joshua and for your family family relations with your extended family. And as you pray and make these decisions, you must see them in their current context of exactly how it is right now - not how it could possibly be when Joshua is entrusted in your care. Do you love him enough to fight the battles and lay boundaries that must be fought today? Do you love him enough to allow him to be adopted by another family who may not be in your situation? I know these are two questions you do not wish to hear or address because it is tearing out your heart. But you must face them and answer them. Just how far are you willing to go? And what will you be willing to risk in order to get there? Joshua's sense of belonging, feelings and security? Your family's comfortable idealism of a family?

This is not an inspirational post. This is a call to action that only you can do with much prayer and the convictions in your heart.

I am praying for you, Renee!

Holly

[reneetaylor]

Thanks Holly, I had forgotten that your son was bi-racial, so I appreciate you responding to my post. What makes this even harder is that we have the opportunity to possibly match with a birthmother wihtin our state who is due this summer, and part of me wants to take the "easy" way out and go this route. Both parents are Caucasian. (I know we haven't shown interest in domestic adoption before, but this came up unexpectedly.) So part of me is questioning whether this is a sign to proceed with regard to that adoption, or if we should just hold out and keep proceeding with the adoption of Joshua. I guess I am looking for someone to tell me what to do and there is no one who can do that for me.

With Mariah everything seemed so much easier! I know it wasn't, but you know how it is looking back. The trials and hardships I went through to bring her home seem like nothing now. I relate it to a mother having a painful delivery and giving birth to a child, and then telling people that she wants to do it again. Someone who is not a mother wouldn't understand how she would want to put herself through that ordeal again, but all the mother sees is the incredible joy this little child has just brought into her life. That feeling of being a mother... whether through birth or adoption, is the best feeling in the world.

I wonder if I am getting caught up in the anticipation of that feeling again, or if I am truely ready to just shut the world out and protect my family. I just spoke with one of my best friends about this and she said that it looks like Satan is trying to keep us from Joshua for some reason, and that I should just forget my worries and concerns and do what I know in my heart is right. And that would be to adopt this great little boy and bring him home where he belongs. And while I was on the phone to her, a family friend of ours just came by to drop off our last reference letter. So now our dossier info is that much closer to being complete.

Thanks for listening to my rambling.... you know sometimes you just have to talk something out in order for it to make sense. I feel a lot better now.

Renee