[lilacsinmay]

Would someone please help me glean a little clarity on this topic? I have studed scripture pretty intensely to determine whether it was scripturally sound for a single christian to adopt or not. And I had come to a peace about this and decided to begin the adoption process (and I'm single). I even spoke with 2 different pastoral friends who were supportive of my decision. All was well until I had a friend tell me she thought it was "unscriptural" and that if a child was to be the result of a conception of a man and woman- then to intentionally place an orphaned child in the home of a single parent would be in opposition to God's plan, and that if it were God's plan for me to parent then He would give me a husband. Ever since then -as much I have continually gotten support from many in my christian commnity I can't help but worry and wonder if I am wrong.

I keep going back to Mordecai and Esther...and the Pharoh's daughter and Moses....and Mary with Jesus. I see scripture that tells me I am to care for the widow and the orphan (without an exception posted for singles)...and logically I can say that any child would be far better off to have a single christian mom than be raised in an orphange in a 3rd world country which is predominately Buddhist.

I also think of our "Dear Brother Timothy" whom Paul told not to allow his "youth" to be a barrier to his service of the saints that he shouldn't allow others to look down on him simply b/c he was young. I can't help but wonder if Paul hadn't lived in a time that was so oppressive to women- if he would have told single women...don't allow others to look down on you b/c you are single but set an example in purity (not resorting to IVF from a sperm donor instead saving your virginity for your future husband - be it an earthly bridegroom or our heavenly bridegroom) speech, life, love, and faith (see Timothy 4:12). I have spent much time in prayer over this and many door have stood open just long enough for me to step through and then they go shut behind me. God has placed supportive people all around me. Yet still this one comment from a friend haunts me (and quite frankly hurts me). Can anyone offer me some strong arguement one way or the other to help set my mind at ease or help me see the error of my way?

[janeliz]

Wow, you've done a lot of soul-searching and praying. I'm not going to give any answers here, but ask a few questions, in hopes they might help you think along a few different lines. I am a Christian adoptive mother of two, and I remember the idealism I had before adopting, and now I have a different perspective having gone through some of the "hard times" in child-rearing.

First of all, what kind of child are you seeking? An infant? An older child? I actually think this makes a difference. I do agree that God's ideal plan includes a daddy and a mommy for each child. Of course, in this imperfect world this does not always happen. For starters, I think you should do some research on what a baby goes through being separated from birthmom. The Primal Wound is a classic that is well worth reading. The adopted child IS NOT like a biological child in how they attach to you or in how they perceive the world. It is MORE DIFFICULT to raise an adopted child than a biological child, all other things being equal.

Think too about your financial resources and your time. Can you spend time at home. Will you have to work fulltime? Especially an infant or child under school age will need you A LOT for the first weeks, months, or years.

Also, do you plan on ever marrying? How will a child affect your ability to date? Or marry? Do you have lots of family support and close friends to babysit and help out? Do you have dispensable money for babysitting?

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

You have so much to think about here, I'm going to put you on my prayer list and please update us. We will support you on this board no matter what your decision.

Jane

[lilacsinmay]

Jane,
Thanks for taking the time to respond and certainly thanks for your prayers. I realize several of your questions were simply for me to ponder, but I will try and give you the answers so you can gain an accurate perspective of my situation.
Please accept this info. with my humility but honesty.

I am 30 and will be 31 (in 2 weeks) by the time my daughter comes home from China. She will be an infant. I am a registered nurse and am committed to a 0.8 position at the hospital (4 days a week).

Financially I am as debt free as anyone can be with my only bills being utilites, car payment, and 20 years remaining on my mortgage. I have saved over the past 2 years for this adoption so it will be paid in full before she gets home. The $10,000 tax credit is going strictly to savings as my nest egg of protection. I have written out my budget and all looks ok on paper- we all know reality can be a little different. My mother (and father- both are retired in their mid 60's) has excitedly agreed to be my child care provider, as she has done for all 3 of my other siblings' children. She asks for no payment, but I don't agree with that and have committed to $75.00 a week, which is still inexpensive by comparison to the cost of daycare (which would be a sort of last resort if heaven forbid- anything happened to mom and dad).

I have heard several people mention the book Primal Wound. I will definitely read it! Thanks for your recommendation. I have read several books so far- the most disturbing of which is Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton which I surmise is much along the same lines as Primal Wound. It was recommended to me by an adult adoptee who has had mental health issues most of her own life.

In my life- as strange as this might be to believe...most of my close friends are adoptees and in fact my aunt is an adoptee. I have seen the best and worst case scenarios. I'm personally am acquainted with 2 separate local situations where the adoptees actually murdered both parents, yet I am also aware of my very dear friend Kris who was raised by her single mom (her parents divorced not long after she was adopted) and is very happy, healthy- married to a pastor and works in the social work field. She has 1 child with a second on the way.

I don't think it is possible for anyone who is not a parent yet to know how truly exhasperating children can be, but I have a pretty good idea...I have 4 nephews a niece and a step-niece. Plus I have served as a mentor and close friend to an adult adoptee who is a single mom and quite frankly feel more like her child's mother than she is at times. Her mother is one of those worse case scenarios so I know adoption is not all rosey. She is a recovering heroine addict who used through her 1st trimester of pregnancy and thank God was imprisoned for a situation unrelated to her drug use-so she was clean through the rest of her pregnancy and her daughter seems healthy so far (she is 2-1/2 years-old and the absolute joy of my life).

As far as the culture piece is concerned- my sister-in-law is Philippino which is not Chinese but much of the cultural influences are similar if not the same. But my daughter would not be the first oriental grandchild in the family. Two more came before her. My sister-in-law will be traveling with me to China. She has been the most instrumental person to introduce me to asian culture. I have yet to make a close connection with any "Chinese" friends but have some loose connections through friends- one of which goes to the church that Kris's husband pastors.
Concerning the dating issues- I haven't had a date since high school. That could be a novel in itself about "why?". The truth is I don't know why, but I have come to a point of acceptance relating to this and have pretty much stopped looking. Yes it would be nice to marry one day. But being single is pretty great too, contrary to the popular mainstream belief that if one is single they must be unhappy, disfunctional- incomlete or gay. I have lived on my own for so long- I'm not sure how I would cope with having to share the control of the checkbook and bills with a spouse or having to report in every time I wanted to do something or go somewhere (though I realize having a child can be a bit like this too, but in different ways). I'm not saying I will never marry, but for now it seems like such an abstract thing, it's almost like I sense that it isn't going to happen. But even to the point of personal time and getting away for a sanity break- I have several friends I have stored up babysitting favors with over the past few years as their children have been growing up. Theoretically I should be able to get out periodically as they have promised to watch Mahli for me- but that remains to be seen.

Short of any last minute big red flag from God- the adoption will take place the end of this December or early January. I have tried to keep my heart open and receptive to God's direction, but sometimes it is hard to know what is his leading and what is my desire.

Thanks Jane for your prayers. If you have any further thoughts or questions please feel free to share/ask. God bless you and your family! Kay

[Peggy]

I am a single mother. I can not say if everyone will agree with your decision. It is your decision. Pray and take the answer from your prayers. Don't let others decide for you.

[lilacsinmay]

I agree Peggy- that is why what I am really asking is not for all the consideration of the specifics of my situation- thought they do play a role in the practicaliy and sensibility of it all- but what I really want to know is---is there any scriptural reason why this is either right or wrong for me to persue in the first place? Thanks for your response.

[Peggy]

I am not as well versed in the bible as many people are. I did however pray and use the bible as a source when making my decision. I think people can find scripture to support either point of view. Either way whatever you decide is of course right for you.

[janeliz]

Thanks for the glimpse into your life and circumstances! You seem as well equipped as any single person, or even couple, coule possibly be. And you have already committed yourself to the adoption it seems, unless something big comes up to stop you.

I do not know of any specifics in the Bible that would point out a problem with you parenting as a single mom. I love that the Bible sets out principles and precepts, and leaves many areas gray. That means that YOU need to hear from God's Holy Spirit yourself and do what He tells you to do. Your plan is already different from most in that you are single and enjoying it. God has already chosen singleness for you and you have taken it and worked with it and been happy with it.

When I am really stuck, I ask God to open and close doors for His best plan to really happen.

Blessings, Jane

[Bran]

Dear Kay! As far as I have researched the Bible I cannot find any passages against being a single parent. You sound very prepared and I hope you seek out some support group that you can turn to when times get a little overwhelming once your daughter is home. I personally don't know how I would have survived the first few months with each of our two boys if my husband hadn't been there. I do hope you have someone that can give you a break once in awhile. I am the manager of an online support group e-mail list and we have several single women raising children while working full-time. We even have a single dad! They are all Christians like yourself and felt God leading them all the way with their pursuit of parenthood. Keep us up to date on your adoption. I will be anxious to share in your joy!

[lilacsinmay]

Thanks to all of you for your words of insight and encouragement. Brenda- your support groups- are they chat format? or forum format? I have a cheap old webtv- which is incompatible with many chat sites. If they are web.tv compatible would you please email me the web site links to annagale3700@webtv.net? Thanks again to all of you. Kay

[janeliz]

When the time comes, or even before, maybe we could "chat" online here about the best ways to bond/attach with a new baby. Do you know how old she will be when you get her? I wish desperately that I had known some of the bonding things that I now know about.

Jane

[lilacsinmay]

Jane,

I don't know yet, how old she will be but I anticipate somewhere between 8 months and 15 months. I could be getting my referral any day now- but as long as a month from now. I would be very happy to learn whatever words of experience you can give me to help things go smoother.

By the way- I just bought The Primal Wound and started reading it today. It is pretty similar to Journey of the Adopted Self but it is much easier to read. I had a little difficulty getting into Lifton's writing style. This keeps my interest much better, so I figure I'll be through this book in about a week or 2. Lifton's book is the first book I ever read for personal interest that prompted me to take notes (with exception to the Bible). I'll likely be reading with a highlighter on this one.

Jane if you would like to chat on MSN instant message I can, but I'd prefer to use my secondary account as I have become very whary of giving out my primary account to people over the internet. Just email me at annagale3700@webtv.net. I'm on eastern standard time. I'll check in around 9PM this evening and look for your email then I can add you to my IM list then maybe we can talk a little or at least be able to set up a time to meet. Thanks! Kay

[catbite]

Kay,
I am a single mom (almost 42) of 2 daughters (traveling next week to get #2 from Guatemala) and a nurse. I too struggled with many of these same issues and had discussions with my pastor. My distress was compounded by the fact my parents were not supportive and my best friend had split saying she didn't want to play second fiddle to a kid. My pastor assured me that there was no Biblical reason not to adopt that he could find.

What I found helpful was to find a favorite passage and latch on to it... First daughter was - They that wait up on the Lord will renew their strength... second daughter was - Behold... I know the plans I have for you... plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Helped to give me another focus.

There are definitely challenges doing it alone and my daughter would dearly love a dad, but none have been insurmountable. I can't imagine life any differently. (I may change my mind as the sibling rivarly kicks in full speed!).

Mary Anne

[lilacsinmay]

Mary Ann (and to all who have been following this post),
Thanks for your input. I actually recently completed the adoption of my beautiful baby girl Mahli. She is from Hunan province China, the Pingjiang Children's Welfare Institute. Her "Gotcha Day" was Jan. 5 , 2003 and the adoption on the 6th. So far...as you say, no task has been insurmountable, and I am completely and totally smitten with her. I must tell her "I love you" 5,000 times a day. (I suppose that won't work when she is 13, but for now let the shower of love rain on.) I am thankful that my family has been abundantly supportive beyond what I could possibly ask. Unfortunately the stinging words of one "christian" friend have and continue to haunt me. I too have found no scriptural instruction against me adopting. The only thing that could possibly have an ounce of validity in my eyes is the divine timing of God which I dare not question. But I also believe that many a christian has failed to do good/the will of God in the name of incertainty in the divine timing of God. I've never gotten a personal postcard from God stating "Kay this is exactly what and when I want you to do..." so it leaves some leaway for a general sensing of the spirit leading but never a 100% without a doubt assurance of His will. I dare not sit back and let life pass me bye, oneday saying...I wish I had been the hands and feet of God, but I just wasn't sure it was Him leading. I now look forard, not back and I adore my daughter, and give her life completely to the care of God and I have no regrets. I am thankfu I didn't turn back. She is the hugest blessing I have ever experienced in my life! Words cannot express. No, parenthood isn't perpetual bliss, but the love you share with your child far outweighs every sleepless night, every public tempertantrum, every moment of frustration. But I will take your word of advice and claim a scripture for those moments when I doubt or am stressed. Those are good words of advice for all cristians to help them through life. God bless you and your little troopers, Kay

[lilacsinmay]

I was just doing a search on the web and happened across this old post I had written almost 2 years ago. I thought I would update those of you who took the time to read and advise all those months ago.

I have my daughter, Mahli now. She has been with me for about 14 months. My adjustment into parenthood has gone much smoother than I ever expected, though it was still stressful, which I can't imagine how it wouldn't be, single or not.

The first few weeks I felt like I was walking in a haze and everything felt like it took 5 hours to do.... including getting out of bed in the morning. But by about the 3rd week I was getting into the swing of things and we have bonded quite well, though this is an every day event that I have gotten some truly insensitive feedback and judgement from the general public, secular and christian alike about. I have to just let go of their hurtful words and know they mean well but they have never reared a child who was adopted. Some examples of this are that I still sleep with my daughter for at least 2 hours of most every night... if not the whole night. This started when I went back to work. I really just felt like she needed that closeness and touch and security of me being near, and I missed her terribly while at work too. I don't want this to be misconstrued into something dysfunctional that it is not, but I have found skin to skin contact to be essential in large quantities. What I mean by this is that she continuously rubs my arm when she is sleepy or insecure, even as she woke out of sleep throughout the night she was reaching for my arms and rubbing my arms, especially in the first few months, but even to this day. For the first 4-5 months she was on my body most every minute in a snuggly with her head nestled against my chest. She was always touching my face with her hands. She will not go to sleep at night unless she has my arm around her. Once she is asleep I sneak away and she sleeps pretty soundly for about 8 hours then she wakes and cries and wants to get in bed with me, which I never tell her no (about the sleep thing). On nights that I'm having trouble getting her to sleep I just put her in bed with me for the whole night and she sleeps well, without waking or crying. This whole pattern works pretty well for us but every once in awhile as anyone who has ever slept with a child can tell you... you get kicked and slapped right in the middle of deep sleep. So I have made the mistake of talking about this to people and I get all sorts of comments about how you should never sleep with your child, that the'll never get her out of your bed and endless garbage about how they need to respect your space. I just want to go off on these people and say...she is 2 years old (now- was 10 months when I got her) she was carried by her mother for 9 months and when her entry to this world arrived her trust was broken as that woman whose voice and heartbeat she bonded with left her side, then 10 months later after trying to again accomplish that first development task of "trust vs mistrust," she was uprooted again from the people who she knew and had grown a degree of trust with. She has been with me 14 months.... hardly enough time for her to have a solid grip on trust after what she has had to face in this life. This is not the time to be forcing sleeping alone or staying in the church nursery when it brings her to tears to the point of hysterics and vomitting. Things are fine when she is WITH ME (or grandma or pop pop) and I will stay WITH HER as long as it takes for her to feel secure and safe. She is not going to be 30 still sleeping with me, still afraid to go to Sunday School (which is also compounded by a whole other issue about a child who pulls her hair and pushes her down and generally is unruly, but I'm an over protective mother who needs to "break my child" of her crying and separation anxiety). Ughh.... they just don't get it and it hardly feels worth my breath to even explain because they have already proclaimed themselves the experts of child rearing- afterall they are much more qualified to parent... they birthed their children.

Sorry for that huge tangent, but now I have vented my greatest frustration in life.

As for Mahli and me... we are great!!! She is the absolute joy of my life. I could not have hand picked a better child. I am so thankful God gave her to me. Of all the dispositions my child could have had, she is so laid back and calm. She is very obedient without me having to even raise my voice. I just calmly say... Mahli please do "x" or I would like it if you would do "y" and for the most part- unless she is tired or ill, she does whatever it is. She cleans up after herself with very little prompting ( not to the degree of cleanliness that I expect of myself but of a reasonable degree of effort that you could ask from a 2 year old). No she isn't a saint- who is. She has occasional meltdowns but I don't despair to take her in public places. I can only think of 2 times since she has been home that her behavior was disruptive enough that I had to leave a restaraunt or shopping trip. Otherwise she is so dossile I don't worry.

As for me... it is difficult to find alone time, but I seem to be doing pretty well with using her nap times and bedtime (as I am now) to read and watch TV and rest. People tell me that I should take time for myself, but truly, there is nowhere else I'd rather be than with her. I have gone to a few outings, maybe 5 or 6 since she is home, without her but I WANT to be with her. I didn't bring a child into my life to pawn her of on a babysitter all the time. Every time I have ever wanted to do something without her- my parents, sister-in-law and girlfriends have helped me out.

We have many friends, both adoptive families and non- alike with whom we have play dates. I have several single parent friends,adoptive and non- who serve as a great support.

Financially things are a litle tighter as I apparently lost my mind, because amidst adjusting to parenthood I also decided it was time to move. I had a house built slightly closer to my parents (about 4 miles away) and now I am looking at a 30 year mortgage again, with a higher payment, but I still have most of the $10, 000 nest egg from the adoption tax credit (which I am eternally debating #2 child- as I said before ... insane I believe...but she needs a sister...but this will be a couple years down the road if it happens so I'm not worrying for now.)

There is so much more to say but how do you sum up the first year of parenthood into a brief paragraph??? impossible. It has been wonderfully magical, it has been exasperating at times, tiresome, it has been the vicarious childhood I always dreamed of, it has been first steps, first words, first childhood friends, endless photographs, and so much more. What words can describe my wonderful little princess. I love her to China and back. I aim for a hundred thousand kisses and hugs each day so she never ever forgets how much she is loved. I love being a mom! It's the greatest!!! She is truly a gift from God because I have never in all my life experienced so much amazing wonderment and joy! To turn back time... I'd do it all over again and without near the fear and trepdation. It's a huge responsibility, it's every ounce of your being, but it is sooooo worth it!

And on that note I better get to bed as she will be awake in a very few hours. Thanks to all of you for your prayers and encouragement and accountability back in my time of early indecision.

Gods blessings to you all,
Kay

[Peggy]

Thanks for sharing your story, I am so glad to hear you are a mom and things are working out.