[JustMe]

I was wondering if you would mind sharing your experience with which adoption choice you made: Closed, Semi-Open, Open and how things are working out now. I know for those learning about adoption, this might help guide them in their future decision making.

One note though: there will be no flaming of others choices. Each decision is personal for their family. If you disagree with a family's choice, then I ask you to take it to the Lord in prayer to personally pray for that family. I hope that this discussion will help give testimonies that show others what the adoption journey is like. It will always have ups and downs. That's just life and learning to lean on the Lord.

I'll start. We chose a Semi-Open adoption which means that we send letters, pictures and every once in a while a video. We do this through a moderator. We decided to do this as a means of "courtship" for our whole family to get to know one another and to build a solid foundation for a reunion later on. This arrangement is subject to change as our son grows, hopefully for a more open adoption arrangement. We are very new in our adoption (seven months) so I cannot tell you how it is going other than to say, right now we are all in the honeymoon stage of learning to know each other and giving each other time to adjust to our roles in the adoption triad. Some of our family members aren't sure an open adoption arrangement is a good idea, so this time is good to be able to break them into the idea slowly. It took me a long time personally to think of anything more than a closed adoption - but a great book called "Dear Birthmother" by Kathleen Silber really helped!

Anyone else want to testify?

Holly

[Bran]

When my husband and I first approached the agency that we had signed on with we asked about "closed" adoptions. The caseworker replied that they don't do closed adoptions anymore because they have found that it is much healthier for all concerned that there is some ongoing contact. We were very fearful of the birthfamily taking the baby back if they knew us! Don't laugh, we were seriously fearful! We were also very ignorant of the law and adoption in general. I'll have to say that it was all God's doing to turn our hearts completely around. Now, with that said, we didn't really choose the nature of our relationships with our sons' birthmothers. We have a semi-open one-sided relationship with our first son's birthfamily. We send them pictures and letters yearly until he is 18 and then he will be given the info he needs to find them if he chooses. They know our first names but no other information. They know we live in the same area but not specifics. Same for us. They have chosen, however, not to respond to us and our requests for letters and pictures in return. They cut off contact with us when Steven turned one. He has an older bio sibling and I am sure that she doesn't know she has a younger brother. When we first started sending updates I was glad in a way for their lack of involvement. Now I am sorry that we do not hear from them. It will be difficult when my son starts asking questions. He doesn't understand at this point (age 4.75) what adoption means but he will know that he has a biological older sister. We first took custody of Steven when he was 7 days old at the agency and didn't meet his birthparents until the 48-hour waiting period had passed. They chose us from our profile because of our similar appearance and cultural ancestry.
Now our second adoption was completely different. We met his birthmom before he was born and were at the hospital when he was less than 24 hours old to hold him and talk to her. She was in the hospital a little longer because of a C-sect so we didn't take him home until he was almost 4 days old. Birthmom handed Ian to me at a Giving and Receiving ceremony in her hospital room. There were lots of hugs and tears. Since then we have exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses, spent a day at the zoo, shared in his church dedication, and celebrated his first birthday. She is in college and busy and I know we would spend more time with her if we were able. When we first met I fostered the idea of a more open relationship than what our agency suggested and left it up to her as to what she was most comfortable with. So, again, I'd have to say we didn't do the choosing but if I did get to choose I would choose open rather than semi-open. I understand the need for closed adoptions where the emotional and spiritual well-being of the child are concerned, however.

[webweave]

We had one closed and 2 open. We love being able to keep in touch with birthfamily and have found that it is better for us to know them...and better for our kids to know birthfamily love them and to know the reasons behind their adoptions. We also opened our first adoption and are so happy we did.

[JustMe]

I would be interested to know how you opened up your first adoption that was closed? How receptive was your birthfamily at first? How receptive was the rest of your family to opening up a closed adoption?

Since I know there are others who would be interested in knowing how to do this (from all sides of the triad), do you have any recommendations for them?

Thanks!

Holly

[webweave]

Hi,
We had seen birthmom's name on the original birth certificate by mistake when the attorney filed the papers. We knew she was in the service and were able to locate her through the Army's World Wide Locator....when we first told our parents what we were doing, they were really upset and told us that she would come and steal our child but that really was NEVER an issue...actually, she had been really depressed ever since the birth and had thought about suicide...she wondered what happened to him and every time she heard a news story about a child or baby being abused, she was afraid it was her baby. Then when she heard from us she was afraid maybe there was something wrong with our son, but once we wrote back and forth a bit, she was so very happy and it took her another couple of years before we actually met.

Her parents were reluctant as well, since half their family did not even know about our son. It took about 10 years before we actually met them but we corresponded by mail and phone.
My advice would be to go for it...but you need to go slowly and most of all, remember you can only go as fast as the side that wants the least contact. I would recommend the book by Pat Dorner, How to Open a Closed Adoption

Over the last 19 years we have become very close and now birthmom and I are like sisters...we have even vacationed together...she has gone on to marry and is mom to a son and daughter who are now 13 and 10!

[tanderson]

We chose closed adoption on the advise of our attorney and we feel that it was a poor decision. Our birthmother changed her mind after 9 days and reclaimed our daughter. This recent disruption has made us realize that an open adoption is the way to go. I will always wonder if we had met with the birthmom and spent time with her prior the birth that maybe, just maybe we would have our baby girl back with us. On our next endeavor we plan to go with our gut feeling and choose the semi open or open option, situation dependent.

[Bran]

It must feel like a miscarriage to you to have an adoption fall through like that especially after you had her in your arms for so long. I pray the Lord heals your hearts and gives you peace that He is in control and has this baby's best interests at heart. We were able to meet the birthmom of our second son before she gave birth and I do think it is important. I'm sure it helped her to be sure she was making the right choice and that her son would be loved and well cared for. The other thing that helped I think was the preadoption counseling that she got before she made her decision. The agency would never have let our son come home with us if they had any clue that she might change her mind. If you use the attorney next time, I would not only make sure the birthmother gets good counseling, but also that she signs the relinquishment papers before you take that baby home. Depending on the state you are in, they can be filed within 48 hours and there is no disruption after that. I pray the Lord fills your arms again soon!

[tanderson]

Dear Bran,

Thank you for your heartfelt response and sharing your experience with me. On our next adoption we are choosing an agency, even though the cost is significantly higher than the private attorney. As awful as this may sound, I would rather pay more for less potential pain. It just seems that agencies are out for money and not for the welfare of those involved. I mean all that money, where does it go if it doesn't go to the birthmom (as those fees are additional), because that would be illegal....paying for a child. Not to mention if the birthmom is on medicaid, so it certainly doesn't go towards medical expenses.

I had a counselor from a reputable agency visit us last week (one week after our disruption) and I was blinded by her 3-4 carat marquis diamond ring, and her brand new Ford Expedition took up my entire driveway....ah, now I get it......I am also afraid to have to "market" us, write a birthmom letter and put together a profile scrapbook. I don't know what to write and I'm not very creative, so what chance will we have?

All we want is to devote our lives to a precious new life and we can't understand why we face so many obstacles. I'm just so tired of being on the losing team with 2 miscarriages and now this. I know that we aren't supposed to question God, but how can we not with so much suffering in trying to do the right thing?
We are good people and it just isn't fair. I guess you could say that this is my pity party. I just wish I could restore the faith and hope that I used to have.

Thanks again.

[JustMe]

Dear sweet soul, I know just what your going through. I've had five miscarriages and adoption scared me, and it wasn't because of the end result. But after going through everything (through a great agency), we had a failed placement too. I loved what Bran said. It does feel like a miscarriage and you wonder how God could play with your heart like this, after it's been broken so many times before.

Check out the next post I'm fixing to write. It has to deal with the profile letter. You don't have to be a great writer. But you do have to be you. That's all. I spent a lot of time worrying how I would stack up to others, and then I realized it's not about comparison. It's about reaching out to that motherly soulmate who understands you and knows that your the parents for her child.

I'll title it "The Profile Letter".

For more about me and our journey (including the heartbreak), check out the story I wrote, called "The Road Less Traveled." I'll put on the link in just a second.

Praying for you! And by the way, a reputable agency, gives you a line item of where every dime is spent. Ours did and it made sense after we saw it all broken down. We support our agency 100%!

Holly

[JustMe]

The Road Less Traveled:

http://www.christianadoptions.com/theroad.php

Happy Reading!

Holly

[PastorKev]

I'm one of those very strange creatures; the single adoptive father by choice. I was in social work for several years before going active duty with the air force. Became an adoptive parent in 2000 and finalized in 2001. My son is very ten with all that that entails. I had originally planned on a totally closed adoption. My son's situation was a little different. He went directly from the womb to foster care and never lived a day with his bio mother. Bio dad died days after my sons birth. The original plan for my son was that he was to be adopted within a few days of delivery, but because he did not appear to have any presenting problems, he was lost in the system. The foster parent he was with, though nurturing had several problems which really made her an unsuitable placement. However, he "fell through the cracks" for seven years. When the system finally realized their mistake (though with God there are no mistakes) his foster mom could not pass the homestudy process. So, to make a long story short, his state contacted me when they found out that I was looking to be a parent and the rest is history. We did not close off the door to contact with his former foster mom until she began to demonstrate some very strange behaviour which was parallel to a non custodial parent stalking a child to prepare for an abduction (she even moved across country to the little town we lived in. We now live on the base, and she does not know where the christian school is that my son goes to. If I had to do over, I would have severed all contact from day one.

[Bogie]

We don't have experience yet in our own adoptions - we're hoping we will soon. First of all, to the person who posted and had their child reclaimed - I pray for God's peace for you. We also had that happen, and it does not feel like a miscarriage to us - it feels like our child whom we already knew outside of the womb has died.

My sister has 2 children that came home to them through adoption. They were both originally supposed to be open, but my nice's birthmom has cut all contact. It's so hard, because my niece really misses that relationship, and she's only 4. Sometimes she cries while holding her b-mom's picture, and tells her mom that she just wants to talk to her b- mom. My nephew, on the other hand, sees his b-mom at least once a year, my sister and she email regularly, and one night out of the blue, he even announced he wanted to call her and talk to her. (He's only 2!) The relationship is one I hope to have some day. B-mom's give us the most important thing in the wolrd, and if that's something they can handle, they deserve to be involved in their birth child's life.

We pray for our future birth parents every night, as well as for our niece's birth family to change their hearts and want contact with this precious girl.

[HappyTwinsMom]

...in large part due to our comfort level and what we thought would be best for our children. Semi-open was also their birthmother's choice. So, we send pictures and letters periodically, we had one face-to-face visit when the girls were 6 months old, and we've called once (on Birthmothers' Day this year).

However, that being said, we are attempting to make the relationship more open and will continue doing so slowly as time goes by. Geography is a problem, as the girls' b-mom lives in Southeast Oregon and we live in Northwest Washington, but we will most likely have some visits as the years progress. A lot of the reason for this "opening up" has to do with wanting what's best for our daughters. It's important that they know not only that they were adopted, but the woman who gave them life. We will continue nudging the door open a bit more and hope that she will respond positively (so far, not a lot of success). Ultimately, the depth of their relationship will depend on the girls and her, what they want, what they need, what makes them complete. Hubby and I have made a commitment to not "cling" or make the girls feel guilty in any way for pursuing a relationship with their birthmom. It's truly about them, not us!

Margaret

[BioAdoptMom3]

We chose to pursue adoption through the state's foster care system. Actually we chose first to adopt an older, waiting child through the state. We had two older biological sons and wanted a daughter. I wanted a baby, but my husband did not want to start all over again. About a year after completing the classes and our homestudy I was reseaching adoptable children on the net one night. My husband walked up behind me and told me to forget it because all the little girls without siblings and a lot of behavior issues, etc. were already taken by their foster parents. He had said he would never do foster care (too emotional) so I immediately sat down on the couch and poured out my heart to God. I told Him that He obviously was not going to bless us with that third child and daughter we so desperately wanted and that I just wanted to experience peace and contentment in my life (I had been depressed about not being able to have another child for several years). The very next day DCF called us to tell us they had a multi-racial four month old girl in an unlicensed home who was almost ready for TPR and that if we got our license we could have her. A month later when we were ready we didn't get her (Gary still didn't want an infant but thought that God must have been invening and this was the child for us). We immediately though began getting calls for foster children. We had had a total of 11 but it was so hard on us and extremely hard for our boys, who were then 9 and 12, to see these little ones come and go. Being a teacher I had to return to school that August 12, so we decided we were giving up foster care for good on August 10 unless we had a probable, adoptable baby girl (God thinks of everything as we had had a perschool age child and learned that starting out with an older child was not for us, especially because of bonding issues with the boys and the child) by that date (I would need a day or two to find child care). Well, we currently had a six month old boy in respite care who was leaving on the 9th at 10 a.m. to be reunited with his original foster familiy after three weeks with us. We would have never taken on two infants at the same time. At 8:30 a.m. that day we received a call from DCF asking us if we would take a 17 day old girl who was just being discharged from the NICU at the hospital whose bmom was thinking if signing surrenders and would we take her. We said yes and she was to arrive at 1 p.m., said goodbye to Cody at 10 and 1/2 hour later they called and asked if they could bring him back. We of course said yes as we didn't want the poor little guy going from home to home. It gives me chills now to think of how we would have said no had they called before Monday (the day we got her) or after 10:30 a.m. on Monday! God's timing is always perfect! It was a long road for us with tons of delays because workers didn't get reports done in time for court hearings, etc., but both birthparents were absent pretty much the whole time (we never even knew where the bmom was from the time she was four months old), but it finally became legal this past June! We are so excited, so relieved and yes, God has brought me perfect peace and contentment in my life. I could not be happier. The boys just adore her too. I also have to say I would not be where I am today spiritually had it not been for this long and stressful, but worthwhile experience!
Nancy
Mommy to 15 year old Kyle, 12 year old Matthew and 3 year old Nicole