[leca]

My worst fear is that these children I love who definitely remember their birth mom as they were foster children in the "system" will get their files when they are 18 find their birth mom and turn their back on me, the one that raised them. Any one else have this fear?

[melon161]

All I can say is that you have to put faith in yourself as a parent. And if your children want to find their b-mom then let them, they know who their mom is and will come back to you. If they do start a relationship with their b-mom don't be threatened by this, be blessed that they have enough room in their hearts for two moms.

Stacy

[fellopartaker]

I understand your fear of them reconnecting with their b-mom. My daughter's b-mom just contacted her and this has stirred up alot on different emotions within me. How do you come to terms with a birth mother trying to bring her family together and supporting and loving your dughter as she ventures into their family. Can you hear the fear of the unknown in my post :-( Thanks for any support

[leca]

Honestly if their birth mom gets off drugs and gets her act together I really think we could be "one happy family". I just don't want to be cut out.

[tlc4kidz]

Sounds like you haven't had any sort of openness. I go back and forth on how involved we want to be, as our kids bparents are also making some pretty bad choices, however are not dangerous in that they abused the kids. I think if you ever get the chance to have contact with their bmom yourself, get to know her, you might feel better.

It sounds to me like your fear is that they will turn to a lifestyle like their moms, and as a mom of both adoptive and birth children I have to say I fear that for all of them. I just can't let it immobilize me. I love them unconditionally, pray for them daily, and set an example in how I live. The rest is up to them and their free will. Your post saddens me....I hate to see someone miss out on all of today's joy worrying about tomorrow's troubles.

[radkat]

I used to have that fear, but then someone said something very profound to me and I never forgot it...

"If a mother can love more than one child then why can't a child love more than one mother."

I know that my children will want to look for their firstmom when they are old enough. They have a ton of questions for her. I will support any decision they make. I refuse to project any insecurities I have onto them. It's hard enough for an adoptee without having to feel like they have to choose between their two families. I never want them to feel like they have to make a choice. I will love them and support them no matter where their paths may lead and they will always have a place in my heart and my home.

Kat

[leca]

OK first of all NO we have no openness. The courts have terminated my kids birthparents rights. It is court ordered NO CONTACT until they are 18. I am in contact with one of the kids biological aunts and I am sure she passes info onto the birth mom. I maintain this contact because the kids like to hear from her and she was the only family member that ever contacted them while they were in foster care. My kids know if they ever want to find their mom they will NOT have to search because the aunt keeps me informed as to where she is. She is even living with the aunt right now. Let me say I do not spend alot of time worrying about this. It is a fear but I do NOT dwell on it. My kids know we will help them find their biological mom and dads if they wish. They know they may not like what they find as well. Their mom may also be in jail by then as she was just arrested on a narcotics charge again. They know their Bmom LOVED/LOVES them she just could not give them the kind of life a child needs. No one knows where the Bdads are and right now the kids do not seem to care. Two of them say they do not want to EVER find Bmom and one says she will when she is 18, (right now).

[tlc4kidz]

I'm really sorry if I responded in a way that made you uncomfortable. Your original post was pretty short and the title "Scared to death" I interpreted as meaning it was interfering with your daily life....glad to hear that's not the case! Hearing the details I realize that you probably just needed a vent....something I CERTAINLY understand. So.....just wanted to offer support instead of advice since that is probably what you needed to begin with . That's the problem with computers. It's hard to get what we are really saying sometimes without hearing a tone of voice.

[patti Daniels]

I think we all have a fear as a amom that our child will love the bmom more than us, but we have to have faith and love our children. Hope this helps.

[Jody M]

Hi- thanks for this thread and the posted responses. I read them as an adoptee but also as a parent of 3 sons. Being an adoption support group leader for the adoption triad for over 12 plus years, I have listened to many adoptive parents whose adult adoptees were persuing or involved in adoption search or reunions with birth family. Closed adoptions that held tightly such secrecy- truly created a undesirable almost adversarial distance between adoptive parents and birth parents. There was little to no encouragement to know about the other party and even less support for personally knowing one another. With this practice adoptees develop this huge mystery in their lives which creates an near insatiable desire in some to answer the questions of adoption- who, what, when, where, why.
An inner angst that grows seems to only be silenced by gathering the missing pieces and attempting to answer the questions by seeking the source of those answers- the birth family.
I do wish to say that I have asked alot of adoptees from my local and online groups through the past couple years whether they would have preferred open adoptions- and nearly all of them say no.(these are adoptees who have searched and found and been in reunions) Many would have desired more information, family backround and the true story on the circumstances that lead to their adoption, and photos. Also in my instance, finding my birth family did bring me much closure and peace with understanding the challenges and circumstances my birth parents faced which lead to my adoption. I reunited with my sisters for several years - they welcomed me and enjoyed our visits- but now we have not met for years and send Christmas cards. I see this trend very very common in adoption reunions- reuniting, some going on to develop relationships, but many getting answers to their life mystery/medical and ethnic history and then moving on and these new relationships lessening in intensity and a good many dissolving.
My adoptive mom and I became even closer than before after my reunion. We were always close and yet- the questions of adoption were never brought up or discussed. So when I embarked on an adoption search/reunion that forced this unspoken topic to surface and so then we grew in these discoveries together. We even spoke at an adoptive parents retreat together- that was neat!
I just wanted to reassure many of you that adoption reunion is often not the "enemy" or threat that many may anticipate or perceive. And there often is a "honeymoon" in reunion especially in the first months and even up to the first years of reunion. I have seen a good number of adoptees have more gratitude for their adoptive parents and families because of the truth they learned about their birth families. Hope this is helpful to read and gives some assurance to some
Blessings, Jody Moreen

Compiler of the 2005 book, "Letters and Reflections to My Adopted Daughters" penned by Rev. John Newton, British hymn writer of "Amazing Grace" -adoptive father of his 2 orphaned nieces from his wife's side of the family.

[Karabanara]

Hi, Leca
My sister just met her birth family, and I was wondering if she would leave us and .. you know, but this has really solidified her relationship with my mom. It really has brought them closer. Hope this helps a little
karabanara

[faithmylord]

I have that fear to, but we need to humble ourselves before the Lord and know that this is our "mission" for His glory, not our own... All we can do is let our children know how much they are loved and support anything that will help them in their healing process...Peace and Joy, C

[Jody M]

As an adoptee who went through reunion with her 3 older birth sisters over 10 years ago- I want to say that my adoptive mom and I grew even closer. My adoptive mom and I have always been super close- she is now 83, widowed and caring for my adoptive sister who is 55 and has Lou Gehrig's disease.
My mom and I were close but never talked much on adoption and my past history- but when my mom shared with me my birth name which initiated my search- we opened up a new communication that was wonderful. She began reading alot of adoption books with me and was very supportive. I know it may have been more challenging had my birth parents been alive- for this seems to be more threatening. But my mom met my birth sisters with my dad one weekend with me and they embraced them.
A few years ago- due to my work with Adoption Blessings Journal and also my work facilitating adoption triad support groups for almost 12 years- I was asked to be a keynote speaker at an adoptive parents retreat. My mom came to town to go with me and she even planned to speak at one of my 5 sessions. The audience loved her and her perspective. This would have not been possible had I not gone through my adoption search/reunion journey which caused us to open up and share on this topic that we did not talk on until I was in my 30s!

Please adoptive parents, do not fear reunion but keep talking and sharing and trusting God for the big picture- I am so glad it drew my mom and I closer together!

Blessings, Jody

[Snow White]

Jody M,
May I ask why most adoptees from your groups would not want an open adoption? I have an adopted daughter and I am wondering how most adoptees feel about an open adoption.

[kakuehl]

Leca,

As a birthmom, I hear your fear. I think my bson's mom has shared that same fear. I know that she had some difficulty when D and I reconnected; she couldn't see why he would want more than medical information.

I can only speak for myself. I have no desire to replace amom (S) in D's life. She is his mother and I would frankly be upset if I thought he didn't love her! I am blessed that D wants me to be a part of his life, but though I gave birth to him, I was not the one who diapered him, bathed him, rocked him to sleep, cried his tears (the list goes on!) I love him deeply and I love that he loves his (a) parents.

Again, as a birthmom, I can only say, amoms are mothers not babysitters who get the kids to 18 and then lose them to the "real" parents. You are the real parents who did and continue to do the down and dirty day to day parenting.