[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by leca

My worst fear is that these children I love who definitely remember their birth mom as they were foster children in the "system" will get their files when they are 18 find their birth mom and turn their back on me, the one that raised them. Any one else have this fear?

I am a bmom 11 months into reunion with my son. I hear very much what you are saying and I sent a letter to his aparents to thank them for their support in his search for me, that he loves them very much and I dont see that clashing with myself and him getting to know each other; that I feel for them, as it must be a shock to them for him to want to search for his roots, even if expected, that I couldn't have wished for a better home for him, stable environment in which to grow, that they'd taken the full force of his adjustments in life (I was referring to drugs,etc) that they deserved his loyalty, and they have it, that I hoped that once he gets to know himself and his biological family that I hoped it would cement their relationship with him and bring them closer than ever.

This is how I feel about the adoptive parents - I'm so grateful that they supported his search. My son has said that he thinks his amom is jealous of our connection and I encourage him to be sensitive to her feelings and I will not allow an "us" and "them" situation. Nearly 30 years of loving a boy that is my birth son is something that I think is wonderful, they have stuck through the most difficult times imaginable with him and I am grateful that they love him so much. I can't say I've found it easy myself, this reunion business is a difficult time (understatement) for me and I can more than imagine for all involved (triad).

So I would say that, yes, your feelings are very understandable, but depending on the triad and those involved, it could turn out happily. I would be appreciative if the amom could reach out to me as I am to her, and I hope we will grow to be supportive of each other. But that will take time and pain to overcome.

I hope these thoughts will comfort you and help you in the time to come. Love is an amazing thing and a child can love 2 mothers in two completely different ways, but the loyalty doesn't have to be divided for both. Love and ((((hugs))) sent your way, I know its difficult for you.

[kune]

My worst fear is that these children I love who definitely remember their birth mom as they were foster children in the "system" will get their files when they are 18 find their birth mom and turn their back on me, the one that raised them. Any one else have this fear?

I don't think you will be scared or insecure when your children reach the age of 18 and are free to search. I think if you can support the "naturalness" of the situation, you will also have utmost faith in your children to know what is right for them and trust their decisions will be good ones.

Remember they will be adults -not children. Most adoptees search in their late 20's to 40's. By the time they are in reunion with birthfamily, you probably will have already accepted their partner or spouse into your family circle, complete with a set of in-laws each and their close friends. Families grow as the years turn over, and some wise person said "You can't be loved by too many people". I'm in my 50's and know that you just "bunch up" and make room for the additions you gather along the way.

When I was a mother with young children I couldn't grasp the concept of not being the centre of my children's universe forever, but you know.......it happens pretty quickly. Before you know it they are adults, leaving home, forging careers, marrying, having babies and, (thankfully) for my bson, reconnecting with birth parents. I'm not the focus of his life. I'm the completion of what he sees as the significant family in his life. By virtue of birth I belong to him and our relationship is acknowledging that belonging while still remaining very fiercely loyal to his parents who he loves dearly.

Cuddle your babies,
Laugh & play with your toddlers, and talk about their beginnings
Guide your teens, and acknowledge their uniqueness
Celebrate with your adults - ready to start their life journey
That's parenthood.

Ann

[longingtomeetyou]

great posts......

i think reunion should be looked at in a good light especially for the adoptee....the last thing the adoptee needs is to feel bad for looking for healing from the questions that most adoptees and birthparents have.....


when those questions are answered then healing can start......secrets only harbour resentment and unresolved emotional issues......i really feel that open adoptions are much better than closed as the walls are already down and theres no worries ....as hopefully all parties are trying to think of 'each other' and trying to heal from all the emotional pain in adoption .........

i do believe that Jesus can bring relief to the worries we have......Jesus can calm the storm we feel inside....

[show]

Hi,

I urge you to read the book "The 10 things Adopted Children want their Adopted parents to know." Towards the end of the book they address your same question. It is very positive and helpful.

[soozoos]

Jody, am I understanding correctly that it was the secret mystery of the tightly closed adoption that drove those who reunified to take those steps... but that they wished they had just had a little more information, all along but not totally an "open adoption".

I guess it is like hearing, "No no you can NOT know the details" that makes them feel they just MUST find out.

I am curious (but not fearful) about our 7-year old son's future interest. He knows he is adopted but does not grasp that there is another "mom" out there. We are taking the first steps toward perhaps adopting again... considering a domestic waiting boy out of foster (4-9 years). We know there are so many who need forever families and DS wants a brother so badly!

What kind of discussions will all of this bring on as we get closer? Do we just await his questions? That has been our plan. Wisdom anyone?

PS I am reading a very cool Christian book about facing challenges (fears) called "In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day". I highly recommend it!

[EZ2Luv]

I can attest that as an adoptee from the closed era, I had no desire for an open adoption. After finding bfamily (and ONLY because I was in DIRE need of medical info) it made me even more grateful and closer to my afamily. I honestly believe if I were in an open adoption that IU would have grown up with many problems. I would have questioned where my loyalty should be . I love my amom way to much to share that love with any other mother. Amom is the ONLY mother I ever knew and want.

EZ

[kakuehl]

Yesterday I stopped at D's with my oldest grandson. He and D's stepson spent a couple hours outside playing which was great (any thing that my Grandson away from the computer is great!). D's parents were there helping take care of the kids since DIL is away for a week. (D was working from home and in his home office most of the time.) S and I stayed for dinner. I spent the time helping with the little ones and talking with D's parents. (1 grandparent figure per kid is a good ratio!)

I guess my point is this: after 3 years we've built a comfortable relationship. D's aparents are his parents and the grandparents of his children. I have had the opportunity to get to know them all and to get to watch the children grow. I am a part of their lives, but I have not replaced anyone.

As I think you can see, there are as many responses to reunion as there are relationships and adoptions. Many (adult) children have a need to express their independence. It's got to be especially scary for aparents when the young adult asserts his independence by starting a relationship with bparents. My advice is to remain as unanxious as possible, and let your child figure out how to be an adult "child."