[GailHB]

I can't believe we're contemplating this, after waiting for so long and praying (and crying) so hard for a baby, BUT... we've been presented with a potential match that just doesn't feel right to us. We want a semi-open or open adoption, and this bmom wants a closed adoption. The birthparents are not from the U.S. although the baby will be born here, so contacting or seeing them will be almost impossible (we can't afford to fly around the world to see the bmom). And then, call me horrible if you want to, but the racial mixture of this child is not one we originally felt we would want to adopt. The only reason we were contacted is because the bmother saw our profile and liked us...not because the parameters of this situation match what we said we could handle. This child deserves a Mommy and Daddy that will adore it without reservation, and we're questioning if that is us!

Please, no flames. If anyone has declined a match, why did you do so? Were you afraid that saying "no" to the first possible match meant you'd NEVER find the child that you'd be the best parent for? I want this baby to have the greatest life ever, and I'm not sure we are the ones to provide that.

Miserably,
Gail

[aMarylandfamily]

I'm truly not sure what is harder when waiting ... being not chosen by a committee or being chosen to be the ap and knowing the match doesn't "feel right" ... and the minute it doesn't for whatever reason, you need to decline ... gut instints often say more than they are accredited for!

Reasons for declining a match can be from something simple (altho its not simple) as a gut reaction to identifying that a part of the adoption itself will always leave you with a mixed emotion ... from not feeling comfortable with the placement to not feeling capable of meeting the child's needs ... and there are a million things between those lines which can't be put into words unless you are in the position you now are in. So ... re-review the placement once more and go with the feeling you get - and it is ok to say no ... sometimes these stepping stones are to get you through to the time that is the right placement.

Alot of words (sorry) but hope my message is helping.

[shirleyville]

I am an adoptee.....not an A-Mom.....but I have something to share with you that might make a difference in your thought process.
My best friend and her husband went thru all of the infertility treatments and spent countless hours and even more money trying to conceive a child. When they finally decided that adoption was the way to go for them, her husband was 47 and she was 40. There wasn't an agency in town that would touch them because they were labled "too old". They had to go the "private route", which cost an arm and a leg, and it was a slow process. They met with a lot of potential birthmoms, but no one ever chose them because they felt they wanted "younger parents" for their child.
One day, they got the call....a mom had chosen them, and wanted them to parent her son who was to be born a few weeks from then. My friend and her husband agonized over it because they just didn't feel it was "right"...something felt wrong about the situation....and they eventually declined. I remember my friend sitting and crying for hours that night...she felt that she had just blown her one and only chance. It was devastating to her.
An entire year went by before they got another call......but this time it seemed right. I have to tell you that it was the most RIGHT thing I have ever seen happen to a family! They adopted the most wonderful little girl.....she was two days old when she came home...and today, she is three and a half! She looks like a carbon copy of her mommy....blonde hair and big blue eyes....she sings like a lark and loves music and both of her parents are musicians. She was MEANT to be with this family....she "fits"...just as they "fit" with her. God knew what He was doing when he put those initial doubts in their heads....He had other plans.
Listen to your heart......and everything will work out in God's time.
Best of luck!
Hugs,
Sally

[FamilyBound]

Gail, you have to go with your gut instinct. If there is something that just doesn't feel right, then you need to listen to yourself. There is nothing worse about accepting something you just weren't sure about in the beginning, and then resenting it and regretting it for the rest of your life. This is a child you are talking about -- if you accept this child, you accept this situation body, heart and soul.

Perhaps there is someone that you can talk to who can help you work through your feelings to see if it is just an 'overall fear' or if there truly is something in THIS match that makes you nervous.

Good luck! If you want to talk, just PM me!

[GailHB]

Thank you for your advice. It seems to be a consensus (of 3, anyway) that we must listen to our gut and not talk ourselves into something that we aren't really enthusiastic about. There are mixed emotions -- how wonderful to have a due date! How exciting to have a baby with great prenatal care! How wonderful that our waiting is (kind of) over!

Nonetheless, we have reasons to examine ourselves and the situation closely. If anything, I'm grateful to not be head-over-heels thrilled about a potential match. We're being quite rational about something I'd think would be purely emotional. That's good. We're getting a terrific opportunity to process more of our infertility grief, to share our deepest desires for our lives and our family, etc. It's been good for my husband and I. If this is a stepping stone, then it's been a good one.

>I remember my friend sitting and crying for hours that >night...she felt that she had just blown her one and only >chance. It was devastating to her.

Sally, this is EXACTLY where we're at! Your hopeful story really helps me. I want so much to say YES to this to end our agony of waiting, but unless we're 100% convinced we can unreservedly adore this child and feel optimistic about our future relationship with her birthparents, we're not doing anyone any good.

>She was MEANT to be with this family....she "fits"...just as >they "fit" with her.

This is exactly what we DON'T feel right now about this match. We need to find out more, and our counselor will be calling us tomorrow with more information. That information will probably relieve or confirm our anxieties. I know God can do a number on our hearts, and ultimately we just want His will in everything. We're praying for discernment and soft hearts.

>Perhaps there is someone that you can talk to who can help >you work through your feelings to see if it is just an 'overall fear' >or if there truly is something in THIS match that makes you >nervous.

We've been wondering this too. Is this just adoption "cold feet"? Or qualms about THIS match? Not sure yet, but it helps to talk about it.

Thanks again, and I'm still interested in hearing from people who have actually declined a match.

Gail

P.S. Familybound, I did pm you.

[Sharon]

If you are not 100% positive that this is the right match for you, then by all means decline. To do less wouldn't be fair to you or to the baby. I know it's difficult to wait, but I'm sure it'll pay off eventually and you'll find a child who you're sure is the right one for you. Adoption is nothing to rush into. Follow your instincts...pass on this one. I wish you the best of luck. Sincerely, Sharon

[Cleopatrick]

Gail, it's such a hard thing, but you know in your heart whether it's right or not. My husband and I declined a pbmom, but it wasn't as agonizing as it is for you. We already had our son. Our son's bmom called us out of the blue and said she had heard of us through a relative that knew my mom. No agency involved, anyway, when our son was 9 months old another woman called us and said that she had heard of us through my mom also. (My mom didn't advertise, it was just a fluke both times) We set up plans to meet with her, but we cancelled them. It never felt right mainly because we didn't feel like we had had enough time enjoying our new son and we weren't ready yet to add another child in.

I also cried about the decision because I felt like I was killing my chance at giving him a sibling, but this situation worked out for both us and a friend of mine. Six months later we had a wonderful six year old girl placed with us in foster care and after many up ands downs with the state we adopted her last May. A year after she came we had a sweet medically fragile 11 month old placed with us and her adoption was final the same day as our older daughters. We would not have these two beautiful little girls had we adopted the other one. The bmom contacted a friend of mine who's husband is a parapelgic and they adopted the little girl. Since very few people were willing to consider them due to his handicap I'm SO grateful that we turned her down.

Please feel free to e-mail me at Cleopatrick@msn.com if you would like to talk about it.

[BeckyS]

I feel that if you accepted this situation & allowed this child to be placed with you, if in fact you still had deep reservations, it would be doing an injustice to the child & the family that the child was meant to be with....my dh & I turned down a referral & it was VERY hard to do...emotions are running high when you've FINALLY (whether 1 month or 2 years) been selected by a potential birthmom or birthmom....Soon after our decline, we received our beautiful daughter - a perfect 'fit' for our family in every way. The baby girl whose placement we declined was placed with another family listed with our agency & they could not love her more ... again, another perfect 'fit'. This child deserves a family that is overjoyed at it's arrival...as we all do Best wishes to your family

[withopenarms]

Always go with your gut instincts. You might pass up this situation but the baby meant to be yours will now not miss out. Good Luck .

[ISW]

Do not feel bad about declining a situation if you are not feeling 100% comfortable with it. I know that adoption comes with a certain amount of risk involved, and that alone is plenty to have to work though. To add to it everything you stated, would be more than I could handle and would convince me that this is not the opportunity I'm looking for.

I've turned down one opportunity already strictly because of finances. It killed me to do it, but I had no choice. I do believe that this was a 'sign' that this wasn't the right child for us.

If you can/can't find comforting answers to all the questions you have in front of you, then you will know in your heart what you can do.

Either way, it will work out for the best.

[ellia3]

Hi we just adopted our little girl on 3-9-03. Prior to accepting our match with her birthmom, we turned down 3 situations. The first child we decline was because we prayed to God to make our adoption affordable and we know the fee of 16, 000 was not God
will for us. The second decline was because we wanted a semi- open adoption, drug free baby and the mother had used cocaine for 5mths of the pregnancy and wanted a closed adoption she did not want to choose the family she told the agency to choose the family and thew agency chose us but we declined. We wanted to meet our birthparents, and we knew this situation was not what we had prayed and asked God for. The third situation was a birthmother who had a history of mental illness and the baby possibly had medical issues, and we knew, we were not the parents God had chosen for this child. We knew God had called us to adopt and when the spirit is leading you God will give you peace and his Holy Spirit will confirm that this is the child God has for you. With the doubts and uncertainty you have about this child, this is not the child God has for you because God is a Prince of Peace and his peace would assure you that this is is the child he sent you to love, nurture, and train up in the ways of the Lord. Decline- you said it yourself, this child does deserve a Mommy and Daddy that loves he/she. A mommy and daddy that can love him unconditionally the way God loves you. The day I got the call that we were matched with our little angel, I instantly knew this was the angel that God had sent down from heaven to live here on earth with us. I fell in love with her before I ever laid eyes on her. When you are matched with your baby, you will know-you will feel an unconditional love. May God Bless your family and give you his divine directions and instructions.

[aspenhall]

I already pm'd you, but I need to add a small bit of advise here.

Prepare yourself mentally before hand and then set aside a full Hour. Find an absolutely quiet space where you will be utterly and completely alone. Kneel down and with a "sincere heart and real intent" Pour yourself out to your Father in Heaven. Tell him of all your fears, ask for peace in whatever the answer is. Ask for Him to guide your Heart so that you may be sure of His answer without a shadow of a doubt. Then, sit head bowed and wait for the answer, maybe read the scriptures while you are waiting. When you ponder deeply after prayer, you will recieve a stronger answer.
After an hour has passed, you will be renewed and strengthened and I believe you will know your answer and have complete peace of mind with regards to that answer.

I turned down 2 potential fluke private scenerios before we even made the firm decision to adopt thru an agency. (one woman married the man and parented happily ever after) I wasn't fully emotionally invested in the process yet, and that made it a little easier because we weren't officially waiting.

[JustMe]

Hey Gail, all the gals advice here was wonderful...I was just checking up on you to see what y'all decided.

I too declined my first potential adoption...and it felt very hard to do so. But I'm so glad that I have the children that God planned for me when we adopted them last year and this year.

How are you doing?

Holly

[melon161]

Hey there Gail,

just have something really simple to add that I was told once by some adoptive parents that had declined a potential match:

"If I took this baby home knowing that it didn't feel right then I am just keeping her from her real family."

That statement hit home with me and made me realize that it's ok to say no and nobody will punish us.

Good Luck!

Stacy