[joymom]

OK folks, I'd love your input.

We're considering adopting again. We are Christians, have 2 wonderful a/a boys via adoption, almost 5 and almost 2. YES! We are very busy My mantra has been "we're not going to request gender, if we were to have bio kids we wouldn't pick, so we'll leave it up to God." Well, to tell you the truth, we'd really like to have a daughter this time. Our attorney tells us if we don't specify, we'll get a boy. This makes me sad... my boys are such a treasure. Evidently a lot of people request girls. So, is it ethical? I'm up for some input! Also up for some prayer for discernment!!!! Are we not trusting God for our family by specifying gender?? Or am I just over thinking this???

[Anne5]

Just my opinion... but you need to go with your feelings on this. You can request and it's not like having your own in that way...
Think about the fact you may regret not having taken that step.
If you indeed feel strongly about it do it.

We had two biological girls and of course we had to leave it open to what we had and we did so greatfully and lovingly. Interesting we want another girl and are requesting that. We were told me may wait longer though and this is the risk. Some birthmoms don't want to rely on the ultrasound to know what the gender is and they don't want someone saying that they may not want the child if it's the opposite gender. So this is the risk you may take. We are going through an agency and they have two other couples right now requesting girls who have been waiting a few years. It makes me a bit frustrated to think when we get through this home study we will wait and wait but my husband and I have talked about it and we are choosing a girl because we know this is what we are needing to do.

[Bogie]

I feel pretty strongly that I need to allow God to be in control of circumstances - and then respond to the circumstances that come. If you specify, are you trying to put a limit on what God can do with your family? Have you prayed about it and truly feel that God wants you to have a girl? God will bring the child He has planned for you, as long as you continue to seek His will. Continue to pray for guidance.

Heather

[crathke]

Another way to look at this would be that perhaps God has a little girl in mind for your family already and has put the desire for a daughter in front of you.

I don't think there's anything "unethical" about requesting gender--some people (like myself) are better "suited" to parent boys (or girls!); some are looking for a "balance" in the gender of their children. I think one of the best things about adoption is the idea that if you truly feel led to parent one gender or another,(or both) you have that option.

[joymom]

Thanks for the input. Turns out my husbands feelings on this are a lot more clear than mine... he says when we adopt again, we will adopt a girl! He feels its important to follow our 'gut'. It will be exciting to see what transpires.

[osurach]

Joymom,

I was an adopted daughter who was definitely picked because I'm a girl. A few months before I was born, the adoption agency told my parents they could have a boy, but my mom said no. Then they got me - the girl they really wanted. Don't worry about what anyone thinks - just get yourself a sweet little girl!

Rachel

[trunks888]

I think if you feel a girl is best for your family then request it.
but note that from all I have seen it may take you longer to get a girl then a boy.

But if you feel it's right for the family and god tell's you it is
Then go for it make that request.
Take care and may God bless.

Originally posted by joymom
OK folks, I'd love your input.

We're considering adopting again. We are Christians, have 2 wonderful a/a boys via adoption, almost 5 and almost 2. YES! We are very busy My mantra has been "we're not going to request gender, if we were to have bio kids we wouldn't pick, so we'll leave it up to God." Well, to tell you the truth, we'd really like to have a daughter this time. Our attorney tells us if we don't specify, we'll get a boy. This makes me sad... my boys are such a treasure. Evidently a lot of people request girls. So, is it ethical? I'm up for some input! Also up for some prayer for discernment!!!! Are we not trusting God for our family by specifying gender?? Or am I just over thinking this???

[Cortonagirl]

I think you're over thinking this, and I mean that in a kind way. My DH and I would only work with an agency that would allow us to pick our gender. I have two daughters from a previous marriage and in my current marriage, we were only going to adopt once and we both wanted a boy. I know it's probably not the most ethical thing to do, but thank God there are people willing to adopt and go through the homestudy, etc. to give a child a wonderful home. That's the way I look at it! We are blessed now with a beautiful biracial baby boy and my daughters are so happy to have a little brother!

Good luck to you, and don't place so much emphasis on being selective.

[JustMe]

Hello Joy! I'm just now into reading posts, as I had taken the spring and summer off...

A little about me: adopted Anthony, seven weeks old, on Valentine's Day 2002, became pregnant in May 2002, found out that my son's birthmom was pregnant too, I had my baby girl January 18, 2003 lost her two hours after birth; birthmom had baby girl two days before on January 16, 2003, wanted to parent and tried, then called on Sunday January 19, 2003 to ask counselor would we consider adopting her daughter. I named my daughter Anna - she named her daughter Arianna. We had no clue what we were each naming our daughters. Very much a God thing. Still, I needed some time off just to regroup and get use to having children a year and two weeks apart. I have a very busy household too!

We currently have a semi-open adoption with letters, pictures, and such. We went through a private agency and we were chosen by our birthmom.

How are you going about this adoption through an attorney? Do you chose children that are placed, does somebody chose your profile? And what type of adoptions do you have with your children's families (open, semi-open, closed)? What kind of level of openess in adoption are you seeking?

I recognize your mantra, for it's the one I've always said too. I feel that the Lord gives you what He's desired for you. And in my case with Anna and Arianna - that's enough to give me goosebumps. Born two days apart from each other...it's just one of those things that I keep pinching myself about.

Anyway, if you could answer those questions for me, I'd love to post with you more!

Holly

[joymom]

We are going thru an attorney, the birthmoms choose families from profiles (so our profile would only be shown to appropriate bmoms). We have semi-open with our boys (letters, pictures) and would like the same this time. We've finally got an appt with our social worker to come and do our update on 10/6, she's on vacation for most of Sept. I asked our attorney about the gender issue (esp if she thought bmoms would be offended), and she said they often have situations of bmoms calling from the hospital having already given birth and therefore the gender is known. She figures we would wait between 2 and 8 months (big gap! ) if we request a girl because they'll wait for a situation where they're pretty sure.

[LotAkids]

Joy..
I don't think it's unethical at all! Especially if you really feel lead to a little girl in your heart.
We adopted a little boy after three bio daughters. He is definatley our little Prince!

Holly,
What a cool story! You must really be busy!
God has a plan for each of us and if we are receptive to it, it will bring boundless joy to our lives.

Good luck to both of you!
Liz

[spaypets]

We adopted from India, in part because they had more girls than boys and we wanted a girl. We wanted a girl because my brother and cousins all had girls around the same age and we felt like we knew daughters better and that she would fit in better if we had a girl.

If you feel funny requesting gender, then you can sweeten your odds by adopting from India or China where the majority of available children are girls.

I think one of the advantages of adoption is that you get to decide somethings that bio parents leave to chance!

[Sharon]

I don't see why not.
I think it's ironic that some individuals (and even agencies) make potential adoptive parents feel guilty about preferring one gender to another, while at the same time it's considered entirely acceptable to specify the RACE of child you wish to adopt.
JMO, ~ Sharon

[melon161]

I have to agree with Sharon, I think that it's an added bonus that you are able to choose the gender of your child!!! No bio-parents can choose this.

I wanted a little girl, that's what I asked for and that's what I got.

Stacy

[blessed with 2]

I can completely relate to your post. We already had a biological daughter, and we really wanted a son. We felt we could only adopt once, and didn't feel like we would be complete without our son. It was a little easier, since we were on the other side of the availiability, but I still had problems specifying a boy. I really feel that God placed the desire in our hearts for a son. When our son was born, we were the couple waiting the longest for an AA boy, and we had only heard about the agency 1 month earlier! God had it all in His hands, and I spent hours agonizing over nothing! I would specify a girl if I were you, but continue to pray that God would lead you. If He changes your mind and hearts, then let the agency know, but if not, know that he has a little princess in store for you! I am now sitting with my 11 month old precious boy in my lap, and I thank God for His mighty plans!