[kimbo2700]

Hello –

I’m reaching out for some help and advice from those mothers that have maybe shared some of the same feelings that I experience each year when we meet with our daughter’s birthmother.

Like many adoptive parents we have gone through a lot of heartache and loss in our past. Then along comes our daughter 3 years ago and we’ve never been happier. She is the love of our lives and we cherish her.

When we adopted our daughter we agreed to a semi open relationship. The agreement was to meet once per year. I don’t think I realized at the time how emotionally difficult this would be. I love my daughter and will do anything for her, therefore although this is hard, we will continue because it’s a committemet that we made and it will hopefully help our daughter when she has questions in the future.

Every year and especially today I get so stressed about meeting with the birthmother. I make myself physically ill because it is so difficult I always tell myself it’s just once a year and try to maintain a smile and positive attitude, all the while crumbling inside.

Today when we meant with the Birthmother, she wanted to see our daughter in 2 months for the holidays. Inside I panicked and didn’t really give much of a response. If we do not agree to this visit, there will be tension and it will make future meeting even more stressful. If we agree, we don’t feel comfortable and it’s is extremely stressful. It seems as though every time we meet I have the concern that she will want more visits, or ask where we live etc. I’m just not comfortable with any of this.

Please do not respond harshly in regard to my feelings. Please know we are extremely grateful to the birthmother for blessing us with our beautiful daughter. Perhaps the fact that we will have to someday soon have the adoption discussion with our daughter adds to the hesitation and concern. Have any of you experienced panic when the birthmother wants to see your child or cringed when she refers to her other children as brothers or sisters? Maybe because of our past loss I feel terrified of loosing my child? How do you cope? What would you suggest in terms of more visits? How do we keep the peace and say “no”? Your experience and advice would be graciously appreciated 

Please someone tell me if you have had similar feelings and how you cope with them.
I want to handle this in the best way for my daughter, family, birthmother and myself.

K