[Pink-Hearts]

I adopted my boys 7 years ago when they were 3 and 4 years old. They are now 10 and 11. My youngest has really changed the last few months to the point that I am very concerned. All of a sudden he started being dishonest and disrespectful to and towards me. I have tried everything to get the dishonest behavior under control, but so far nothing has really been successful. He started the 4th grade this year and has also had some behavior issues in the classroom. This past week at school he started writing about how he dreams of meeting his biological (a word we have NEVER used with him and I am not sure he even knows what it means!) mother and how much she loves and adores him. When he asked me about her 2 years I took the high road (She was abusive and neglected) and told him she loved him very much to allow me to love him and be his Mommy. Was this wrong? Have you had this happen to you and how did you get through it? I am heart broken by the recent behavior and obsession with the biological mother. Is this normal and I am being to hard on myself?

[sugarmuffin]

about what you are going thru. I just wanted to show support.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[kretzklan]

It is hard. I'm a firm believer in truth and only telling what you know. Now, my kids have RAD - so the behaviors you describe are daily and often around here...but our therapist says to not sugar coat what happened to them in their first home. I think you can be honest without being hurtful. As unwise as my children's bio parents decisions were - it's ok for my children to miss them. That is part of their history and story and when a child is adopted older (which your kids were) - they remember that and will always have an attachment. However, while I work with my kids through their sadness and missing their bio families - I do not accept being treated disrespectfully because I'm not them. They know their histories and we talk about it respectfully (what happened to them - plus they know what happened). If you've never talked about a biological mom - what have you called her/them? He is old enough at this point to look things up - is he finding more info on his own and if so, from where? I want to be my kiddos first line of knowledge about their history and adoption in general!

[Jensboys]

I totally agree -- my sons were also three and four when we adopted them, and have been home 10 years. They were abused and neglected by their first family HOWEVER we have managed to have an open adoption with birth parents because it was important. IT has NOT always been easy -- BUT our kids have seen the truth. We have FREQUENTLY talked about their birth family, what happened to them before adoption and foster care - talk in loving ways about their birth family but still they have been able to see the reality of the struggles in their first family.

We brought our son last summer to see / meet his first family ... it was hard at times, wonderful at times -- and very, very honest as well. We have never had to "compete" for our boys affections because we have ALWAYS been honest with them - and open to contact.

[wendywalker]

I adopted a brother and sister that were 8 and 6. They are now 14 and 17. The boy (17) sounds much like yours. I have had him in therapy since he came to us and in several social skills and leadership groups. His problems began in about 4th grade and have continued to worsen since then. He spent time in a group home from age 13 to 15. We then brought him back to live with us. This past July, he ran away and lived with meth dealers and tatoo arists. He called us in Aug. and we took him back. He just recently ran away again the day before Thanksgiving. We have taught him morals, values, and showed him all kinds of love. I think the best advice is to get a good therapist that specializes in attachment issues. I have looked but have not been able to find one in Utah.