[kimber1999]

We have 5 children 3 by birth and 2 by adoption. Our first adoption was through foster care, and our last was private.

Our last adoption is where the FM(FM is not young) relationship is in question. Our son is 15 months now, and for the first ten months of his life, we saw her once a month and sometimes twice a month. Our agency felt it would be easier for her to move on if she saw him more often at first. We do have a covenant written that states that visits will occur once every three months. So back in November, we informed the FM that we were now going to stick to the covenant. Reason being that the visit were always innappropriate and I was getting warn out(I didn't tell her that though).

Well this is when things started getting scary. In January(just two months of not seeing him) she showed up at our church stalking us, I informed our agency, and they had a talk with her. One week later at 2:am(notice the a.m. part), we get a knock at our door, it is a Sherrif, long story short she falsly reported us to the police with oodles of lies. This caused us to be very cautioned. So we wait 3 months.

Last week I get an e-mail from our 3rd party, letting me know that FM is asking for a visit, so I agreed to it. The first one I made, she was extremely late to and I had to go, so I rescheduled two days later. What a mess, she was extremely dirty, dressed innapropriate, and she brought her pit bull mix, which she has been told many times not to bring to the visits.

At the end of the visit she brought up her 911 call, she said that her motives were to get him taken away us so that she could have him back, since we don't let her see him very often. But we have a covenant we agreed to. Months ago we sat down and mapped out firm boundaries, which she has heeded to none of them.

We are now at the point of taking a very long break, but now we fear of major retaliation and rightfully so.

Help!!! I could really us some wisdom right now.

Kimber1999

[loveajax]

Yikes. I wouldn't tolerate this stuff...it's nutty. She doesn't sound like a healthy person for your child to have "mandated" visits with.

Is there any way to go back and change the agreement legally? I know in MA, a parents can petition the court to cease/diminish contact if they can show it's in the child's best interests. Or if you don't want to go to this extreme, is there some kind of "outside" person, mediator, etc., who can help you sort this all out? Best wishes to you.

[lovemy6]

So a FOSTER mom, who only had the baby for the first five months, gets a legally binding permanent agreement for life? WTH?

As a former foster mom for 10 years, I SO totally agree with this concept. If the child was old enough to have memories with her, that's one thing. If the child was with this family for a LONG time, that's one thing. If the child asks for this family and needs to see them to help the CHILD through the grief process, that's one thing. But this is 100% for the needs of the fm. She needs to know what FOSTER means!

[paigeturner]

I think the "F" in this case stands for "First" and not "Foster". I think...

[kimber1999]

Yes, "F" stands for "first" not "Foster", we've had our son since birth. We were picked by the FM(the women who gave birth to him) to adopt him.

But I am also a foster mom, been doing it for 6 years and have fostered 20 kids myself, most of them newborns.

[Kat-L]

Kimber, this b-mom has serious issues. I would be worried, too. I would file a restraining order to keep her away from your house, church, daycare or other places she might show up. Also, I would get a copy of the sheriff's report and submit that to the court when getting the restraining order. That way, if she files another false report, she can be held accountable. Also, if the court knows her history and knows she has a restraining order to keep her away, they will be more likely to take her accusations with a grain of salt.

The adoption agency probably won't be much help. They already completed the adoption and got their money. You can file for a restraining order without an attorney. Also, I would make sure that future visits are in an open public place with witnesses so she can't make accusations against you. You can also ask the Sheriff who delivers the copy of the restraining order to the b-mom to explain to her that she WILL be arrested if she violates the order AND she CAN be arrested and prosecuted if she files anymore false reports. Someone needs to lay down the law for her and the sheriff is just the person to do it. Otherwise, this woman will think she has YOU over a barrel and will continue to make your life miserable.

[Rainbow mom]

I don't get it is the agreement in writing and officially binding through the court? I've neve heard of that. I would do whatever it took to disolve this type of agreement. I would be terrified she would steal/hurt my child.

She was a temporary home she should have temporary access not permanent.

[kimber1999]

Thanks, I have already tried getting a restraining order. I have to wait for one more thing to take place before I can get one. I'll work on getting the police report, that's a great idea.

The adoption agency is the third party I talked about earlier, that in spite of everything is pushing us to make visits with her. It seems all about the FM, and not the safety of our family, or the best interrest of the child.

In AZ we can end our relationship with the FM if we feel it is in the best interrest of the child. The FM could try to take us to court but the AZ courts will rarely hear these cases. So I am not to worried, and if she does we will have plenty to fight our case.

[loveajax]

Oh, I thought this was a foster mom!! Sorry! I still think something needs to be done....I think I would go the mediation route here and see if something can be worked out and, if the behavior doesn't change, I think I would try to go back to court.

...Sorry, I didn't see your last response. You know the agency really should be trying to help you work out a manageable solution. I hate when they set up these agreements and then just don't help facilitate them....ack.

[kimber1999]

We are affraid of her snatching him if she had the chance, I know that we just posted but, we have considered disolving our covenant with her, and yes it gets filed with the courts here in AZ. I just don't know how to go about doing that.

[kimber1999]

loveajax, no harm!! It's all good

[crick]

Is there a way you can use a mediator, set up a visit with just the adults and hash this out? Let her know that you want this OA to work and yet if she can't abide by the agreement and the boundaries, the OA will cease?

[jp4ga]

I would terminate this agreement as quickly as possible. This bmom appears to be a danger to you, your child and your family. If your child is in day care be sure to let them know what is going on. There was a case in my town where a bmom applied for a job at the daycare where her placed son attended. Talk about scary.

Record everything that happens and that is said, and get a restraining order as soon as the next event happens.

You and your family should not have to live with threats. I would put my concerns in writing to the adoption agency and let them know you will terminiate the agreement if there is one more incidnet.

[kimber1999]

Thanks Debbie, I need to figure out how to terminate the covenant.

I've thought about contacting the attorney we used for our daughters adoption to see if he would give us the info we are looking for.

I think that I will send our adoption agency a letter, as well as contact the juvenile courts to seek help in the matter.

One difficulty is our adoption agency is also our foster care agency.

Thanks to every one who as felt my pain right along with me, this has all been so difficult.

All of you have helped me feel more confident in what I need to do.
Thanks----Kimber

[joskids]

Wow, Kimber, I really feel for you. This "first" mother seems totally inappropriate (which is likely why the child isn't with her today). If this relationship is unhealthy for your family and for your child, I would do everything possible to sever it. Pictures and letters only sound to be more appropriate in this situation. We allowed an open adoption with our baby and had the biofather come back and try to get custody, which cost us dearly both emotionally and financially. You just cannot be too careful. If sounds like you have considered her feelings over and above what is good for your own family. I really respect you for that. Now it's time for a change.