[mikki86]

Tomorrow is our 8th Gotcha day with our amazing son! Due to the fact that his birth mom made her decision shortly before J was born, we were not at the hospital. We lived in WI at the time and state law mandates foster care until the TPR which ended up being 6 weeks later. I have talked with our son about his adoption since day 1 and we have an open adoption. He saw his birth mom at least 2-3 times a year prior to our move 1 1/2 years ago, and we have made arrangements to see her the 2 times we have visited WI. Our son is a boy through and through and he and I are very close, but the adoption topic has not come up very often since our move. He is not a little girl who plays with dolls and asks about where babies come from.
We are both off from school tomorrow and today I mentioned gotcha day and asked him what he would like to do. Every year he has known what the day means, and he gets excited. Today he looked at me and asked what the next day would be because he and his friends had made plans for a bike jumping show after baseball practice on Sat. When I brought it up again tonight, he quizically looked at me and I realized that he truly had forgotten what tomorrow was and what adoption meant.
When I told him his story (the one he heard many times) it was like it was brand new. He even looked at me and said, "You mean you are not my real mom. You are like a step mom?" Now, I did not let this get to me, but I was shocked that he had forgotten so much. We had a good talk, but the whole thing has left me with a weird feeling.

Has anyone else gone through this with their child at this age??? We recently were talking about an experience ( a fun trip) he had a year ago March that he has no recollection of, so I am wondering if developmentally he has changed so much this year and the fact that adoption has not been a topic that it literally left his memory?? Any help would be appreciated! Thanks!

[saj]

My Achildren are soon to be 9 and 10. We also stayed in touch in the beginning and also moved away almost 2 years ago. We lost touch with both bparents prior to the move. My children have not forgotten that they were adobted. My children talk about it often. They ask to hear their stories, they ask about their Bmoms. They do not remember meeting them however and my son can't remember what his bmom looks like. They both have pictures in their rooms but my son's disapeared into the abyss of his room. They also have items in their room that are prized gifts from their bmoms. A picture painted by my daughter's bmom and a framed prayer from son's. My son sometimes cries over the loss of his bmom, and my daughter (almost 9) has had total meltdowns screaming and saying that she wishes ger bmom would come and get her. Some folks may think this is awful and harmful, but I think it is just part of the healing process. After my daughter works through her "meltdown" she is able to process her pain.
Its kinda that theraputic moment where we can talk about her true feelings and how to cope with them.

Sorry, I guess I got off your original question there. I guess the answer is they didn't forget that they adopted,

Saj

[mikki86]

Thanks for the reply, Saj! I suppose that every child is different in their reactions. My son has received toys and cards from his B-Mom, but never anything like you mentioned to post in his room or anyhting. The only time he has really commented on his adoption at all was a few years ago when he said out of the blue that he wished he could have grown in my tummy (that was a happy tear jerker for me!) When we have seen his b-mom, she is very unemotional (just her personality I think) and talks mostly about herself so there is not much of a connection there I guess. Maybe if there was, he would have more reactions to it all.

[joskids]

Children aren't old enough to truly understand what adoption means, at least, before they are 7 (the age of reasoning). We can talk about it, use the correct adoption language, speak highly of their biological parents, but I don't think they really begin to understand it all until they are much older and at different ages, depending on the child. It helps that we have 4 adopted children, so for them, adoption is quite "normal" and they are not "different." My daughter has 4 close friends in school that are all adopted, some internationally, some domestically.

Give your son time to begin to truly understand the loss (and gains) that adoption has meant to him in his life. I'm sure you were taken aback by his reference to you being more like a step-mom, but it sounds like you handled it very well and so will he. I think it's more about how WE, as parents, feel about adoption that transfers to the children and their own thoughts about themselves. Your son sounds like he's developing on target and handling life like any 8 year old boy.