[jen3406]

Hi! I'm new to the forums and new to adoption...my husband and I have a 5yr bio son and have recently (Monday!) been placed with a 2yr old boy through foster care. We have gotten to know "Billy" over the past few months but now that he's with us things are SO different. He's a well behaved little guy and we all enjoy playing with him and teaching him new things but my husband and I can't help but feeling a little displaced, we feel guilty for the amount of time that we don't get to spend one-on-one with our bio son. I think it's getting in the way of our bonding with Billy. Is this normal?? I know this is only day 3 of our new adventure but I feel really bad for the way Ive been feeling...can someone please tell me this is normal and everything will be ok? ...thanks!!

[Singlemom619]

Just as if you gave birth and welcomed a new baby into your life your attention will be focused on the new addition for awhile. Include your son - he can play, help, and interact too.

As a parent with an older son and then I had a new placement I do realize (and recommend) that you schedule NOW - at least one day a month in which you get a sitter and you spend all day with your older son - nothing extravagant - go to a library, hang out, etc....

[kretzklan]

You are totally normal - it can especially feel tough when the child you've brought in is a bit older. Give yourself time and continue to find time alone with each child. Attachment issues can go both ways and if this doesn't start to get better after 6 months or so - seek some help. I had to and letting go of the guilt was the first big step!

[jp4ga]

Do like the others said and "scheudle" time with your son. My son is 12 and we are in the middle of the adoption of an infant (final in Jan.). Infants require so much time and attention, I felt like we were not spending enough time with my son. So we started scheduling time. Simple things like: I picked him up from school one day and went and got icecream and just talked. I invited him to walk with me, normally this is my alone time. My husband, is doing the same kind of things.

it will work out and you and your family will fall into a normal pattern where you will be spending time with both kids. It just takes work at first.

[jen3406]

Thank you, all. Tonight, as I was reading stories to bio son for bedtime he just burst out crying. I got him to tell me what was bothering him, he's upset that we haven't spent as much time playing together as we usually do. After reading your advice I told him that we can plan some special outings together like going to hockey games and playgrounds - things that we enjoy most, and I told him we can go without his new little brother. He seemed really happy with that idea. I think if we plan something every so often, and write those special outings on the calendar he can count down to our days alone and feel good about being a great big brother in the meantime. Thanks again for the support and advice!!

[hbrown22]

Yes, totally normal! We just brought our son home from Guatemala 2 months ago and my 4-year-old DD had a very hard time those first few weeks. I also felt guilty because she wasn't getting the time with us she was used to and I do think it has affected my ability to bond with our son. It does get easier as time goes by. You just have to get settled into a routine and everyone will get used to eachother. I do make time with DD, just the 2 of us. It is our "girl time" and she loves it and so do I. Good luck and congrats with your placement!