[Momto1human-2furry]

I recently had a debate with some Adoptee's and Bio mom's on another board. "Birthmother" is considered highly offensive and the B.mom's do not want to be seen as "breeders".

The accepted term suggested was : natural, first or real.

This made me feel that was offensive to Adoptive mom's as that translated to them being :un-natural, second, or imaginary.

I don't want to use terms that will hurt any one, most of all the natural mothers. But i feel very sad as the suggested terms by them hurts me.

Is it just me ?

Please don't personally attack me. IMHO i think we should redefine adoption industry language. We should use terms that will give all 3 members of this triad- respect and love they deserve. Terms that all members mutually agree too.

My suggestion: Life givers= bio mom's and real mom's =Adoptive mom's. I say "real" because an AP was always around to raise the children when they most needed them in their life. Life givers because the first mother gave more than birth, she gave the gift of live when making the toughest choice with love for her child.

Please forgive me if this post hurts any one. Its not my attention to hurt. Just find answers to my feelings.

[Tazer]

Hi Mom..Welcome to the forum and here's my thoughts, OK. I placed my daughter at birth in a closed adoption 22 years ago and we reunited when she turned 19. Speaking personally, I actually use and prefer the term B-mom and the "B" represents either biological-or- birth. I have never had an issue when it is used here by any sector of the triad. I DO object (often loudly ) when the term is proceeded by the word "OUR". I am my daughter's BIRTH MOTHER. I am not her parent's B-mom and would not want to hear her mother refer to me as "Our B-mom."

Like you posted, I also feel the terms natural, first, or the forbidden real has negative and hurtful connotations for the A-mom and I don't use these terms b/c I do not want to offend. I would not want either of us referred to as REAL b/c it implies the other is FAKE. I feel the people who raised my daughter are her parents and I only use the A-or-B before the word Mom to provide clarity in my on line posts; in person I am her Mom and she is her Mom. My daughter calls us both Mommy and since I'm never with her parents there is no confusion.

I've read your other posts and I'm sorry for the way you were treated before coming here. This is a respectful site with great moderators where I've been warmly treated and I hope you'll experience this too. That's not to say there isn't drama at times, but they keep it in check. Best Wishes...Tracy

[blessedbybug]

I've really tried to work hard to not let what others want to call themselves define who I am. Just because someone wants to be called a natural mom doesn't make me un-natural necessarily. I see it as they are the mom who gave the child their nature and I am the one who is privileged to nurture them.

As for the "real" mom description, I too don't see myself as fake but rather think as she's real. And I'm real too. One doesn't negate the other.

I, personally, choose to use first mothers or other mothers. Because to me, as I define myself that is who they are. They parented their children for the first nine months and through their decision on how they wanted to parent their child in the future. They chose adoption. They made many, many FIRST decisions for their child. And I respect their place in their/my child's life. I am their child's second choice as a mother. And privileged to be that person for them. THAT is the reality. Second doesn't make a person less unless one can only define themselves as as having to be first or only no matter what. In adoption, that just isn't reality. And I use other mothers when I speak of them because I never want to diminish the role their other moms play or should play in their life, regardless of how involved they happened to be in their child's life.

That said, both other moms of my children prefer to be called birth mom in person. DS's other mom spoke very clearly of how it is important to her that he knows that THAT is what she did for him. She felt she couldn't do anything else but she gave him life, she carried him and birthed him and then chose other parents for him, and she wanted to make sure he knows that.

I guess for me, it is an individual choice. I don't want to argue about it anymore. The most respectful thing to do is to call people what they want to be called. And this should go both ways, finding respectfull ways to speak to each other.

[xcammiex]

This is something I've also trying to figure out in terms of what to call everyone. I am one of those people that doesn't like terms like birth mother, birth giver, etc. I don't want myself defined by a single event. I also wonder about first parents in an open adoption. They are more than birth givers. They have a relationship with that child, even if it is not the primary mother-daughter relationship. To me, birth mother, birth giver, etc is equivilent to adopters, which I know most a-parents don't like. Thus, I use neither.

I don't like real to describe either side of the triad. everyone is real. We're certainly not imaginary. I used to use natural mother/parent until I found out that it implied that the a-parents were unnatural. Obviously, I stopped using it as I would think that it's highly insulting.

I personally use first mother/parent as I think it's most accurate and most a-parents I've spoken to are okay with it. Those two and a half days I was in the hospital, I fed my baby, changed his diaper, made sure he wasn't too hot or too cold, freaked out and watched carefully anytime someone else would hold him, stayed up all night to hold him, etc. I think those would qualify as things a mother does and so I think first mother fits. I'd love to hear the A-parents opinions on this though.

I'm not too sure about "life giver". I don't really like the way it sounds but I'm going to mull it over in my head some.

P.S. I really don't mean to offend anyone and if I have, I am very sorry and please know I'm just giving my opinion, not trying to insult or dehumanize anyone.

[JustPeachy]

I use birthmom (or bmom) when using language to distinguish myself from my son's mom, but in my heart, I feel we are both his mom, and both his real mom in different ways. I don't really understand, in general, the p*ssing contests (from either side--not saying the OP is engaging in such a thing, specifically) about who is the child's "real" mother. The fact is, the child has two real moms. I wish there was some way that we, as a society, could just use "mom" for both birth and adoptive parents, but obviously, some distinction needs to be made for clarity.

The one and only title I will never use for myself is "parent." Even though I carried him for 9 months, I don't feel, for me, that the title belongs to me. His mom did all the work of raising him, so that title is hers, and hers alone.

Personally, I don't find bmom offensive, or that I'm being reduced to a "breeder." I do not like the limitations of the word "birthmom," for the same reasons cammie mentioned, but it works for me in terms of linguisitc clarity, so I use it. First mom or natural mom just don't sound right to me, biological mother is too cumbersome.

I would say if you are on a board where the bmoms want to be called certain terms that hurt you, it may not be the board for you. I don't know how well it would go over to suggest other language if the bmoms are so adamant that they be called "first/natural/real" in that particular forum. In your own life situation, you should be able to define yourself in whatever way you are comfortable, but how your child's bmom chooses to defines herself shouldn't make you feel in any way diminished. I don't think one cancels the other out, you know?

[thanksgivingmom]

I'm not a fan with either Mom being called "real Mom." I would never presume to call myself that and I would never call Cupcake's Mom that either. To me, she's not her REAL Mom, she's her Mom. Real to me sounds a little slap in the face-ish to whoever isn't the "real" Mom. The way I see it we're both real.

I personally don't like birthmom because it was a label that was put on me in the hospital and by the social worker and always was used with a negative and "less than" tone. That's my own personal experience though and because of that, I prefer first mom.

Why? Because I was Cupcake's Mom first. Doesn't mean that I come first or that I rank first or anything like that. Just chronologically first.

So I use first mom for me, and Mom for Cupcake's Mom. No "real," no "adoptive," no "second." The only time I use a qualifier is if it's a confusing explanation with lots of characters and I'll say "her aMom." But other than that, I just say Cupcake's Mom

[jwmjwm]

As an adoptee, I use the terms "birth mother," "first mother," and "biological mother" pretty interchangeably. To me, they all describe fairly accurately my first mother's relationship to me (although if there were some word that combined all three, that might be even better!)

I guess of the three, "birth mother" is my least favorite (maybe because it seems like sort of a made-up term to me, and not particularly descriptive), but I use it a lot because it seems to be the term that most people understand. And personally, I've never thought of "birth mother" as referring specifically to the event of birth. I just think of it as referring to the fact that she was my mother at the time of my birth.

Also, some say that "biological mother" sounds too clinical, but to me, that biological connection is an important one, one that is there for life.

And "first mother" to me refers to the fact that she was my first mother chronologically, not in terms of quality.

Given all that, I do think that the birth/first/bio parents should have first priority in picking a term for themselves.

[ocracoke]

As an adoptee I have always referred to my bmom as bio mom. We have a biological connection. And she was my mom for 5 years. But bio mom pretty much states it. Since my bmom did very little to care for any of her children I have a hard time referring to her as mom at all.

As an adoptive mom I often find myself referring to my daughter's bmom as first mom. The difference being that I am really clear on how much her first mom loved her and cared for her until she was unable to do so any longer.

I hate real mom. As an adoptee I feel like it is truly insulting to my amom. And natural mom always make me think back to my crunchy granola days when I wore long skirts, didn't shower much, and was a vegetarian. I am a natural mom -- I just never gave birth.

Samantha

[mamalove23]

Maybe this will change with time but I feel that I know that I am my sons mom so it really does not matter what anyone else calls me. The truth is I adopted him into my family so I am an adoptive mother. I think that as long as the terms are not used to inflict pain and you are secure as a parent it really should not matter...alot of my friends call Grahams bio mom and dad his "real" mom and dad when asking a question but I know that no harm was intended. My son will grow up and know his bio mom and dad and they feel the same way I do. If we need to be technical why don't we call the adoptive parents the Legal parents...and the other mom and dad the bio mom and dad...bc they gave the biology and we went through the legal system, and if you were offended by that then you are too sensitive!!

[kretzklan]

All three of my children are adopted in our family. Just not all by me. My DH step-parent adopted DS1. I refer to his birth father as bio father. Mainly because that is all he gave DS1. Biology. So, I guess in my mind that was always a slightly negative connotation...so I'm very interested in hearing first moms say they like or use that - although I can understand it - it's just all so personal. If I could, he'd just be sperm captain - since he never saw my son...that is the real truth. But, I felt that was a bit too callous.

As for DS2 and DD - both from Russia. We use Russian mom, Russian dad, Russian parents. I guess that wouldn't work the same for Alabama Mom or something like that...given the other options I would use first mom...but again, my kids were with those families for 5 years or so. So, they were the first family they knew.

The only term that makes me upset is real. We're all real...last I checked there weren't robots giving birth. It irks me when folks ask which of my kids is my real kid...yuck all around.

[Stormster]

We have worked it out amongst ourselves to call E's birth mother what we call her and it was her choice and she is thrilled with it so I don't really care what others think. Some of the same people who want me to call her one thing or another refer to me as "an adopter" or worse in blogs and articles so I really don't feel like I owe them squat.

However there are women I've grown very close to on a.com who really really deserve to be called what they are comfortable with, which is First Mother so when on here I think I'll start using that term out of respect to them.

[Momto1human-2furry]

If i could i would thank each and every one of you for your valuable input and honest responses. I am so thankfull to those first mothers that responded and told me they care about the AP's feelings too and avoid natural, real mother terms so as to not hurt the feelings of the nurture moms. Those words warmed my heart.

Thank you every one for letting me know that "real" is definatly offensive for all.

I have gathered that its best to find out by what term the "other" mom is most comfortable with.

Probably i like maschocistic pleasures(enjoy pain.LOL !) and i keep going to that other board where often AP's are insulted and called- baby stealers, baby buyer,infertile making them mentally unstable , on the subject of an Adoptive mother attempting B.feeding a new born they are labelled as paedophiles or doing something that makes them sick, blah blah. Yeesh i don't know why i can't stop going there. :-(

From what i have read today on many boards and learnt for each family in this triad, its been a different experience. Every one speaks from their experience.From the circumstances, age of the child when he/she was relinquished, grief level, etc etc.

Thank you mommies. As usual you brought me comfort and cleared my head.

[jren]

Thanks for this post! I've also struggled with what to call DD's bmom - not so much within our family, but on places like this. For us, DD just knows her bmom by name. She knows she's a very special person in her life, but we don't specify birth mom as the term to use.

Personally, I try to look at it as "what will be the most respectful to my DD, the adoptee". Will it make her veiw her adoption in a negative light if we call her bmom the "natural" mom? Will she grow up thinking the family she's in was created in an "unnatural" way? Are we a "real" family? I think the term chosen should respect the child above all others.

For our situation, birthmom, firstmom, and biological mom are all relevant and true statements. DD is too young to understand bio mom, since she's not yet in school. (I've tried to explain.) Even birthmom is hard, though she gets that she was in (bmom's name)'s tummy and born to her in a the hospital and was with her for 2 days. First mom is also confusing to her b/c she then thinks that she was with bmom longer than 2 days. So in the end, we just use bmom's name and know that as DD is older, she will understand more and perhaps come up with the term that she's the most comfortable with.

[EZ2Luv]

As an adoptee I use the term Bmom to mean biological mom and of course Amom for adoptive mom. The ONLy place I ever refer to Amom as Amom is here or on any other adoption boards and the only reason I do is for clarification purposes. To me if anything calling my mom "A"Mom is like punching me in the gut. To me Amom will ALWAYS be Momma without any prefix. SO many time I am tempted to type A#1 Mom when refering to Amom.
But thayt is only my feelings. Also, biomom is exactly what she is/was. Now if I had any type of relationship with bmom or had she been honest with me about who she was(she was present in life she just chose not to tell me she was bmom) it might be different, but how can I even refer to her as any kind of "mother" when the reality is there is alot more than just giving birth that earn a woman the title of "Mother".
Again, these are MY feelings on this as there was absoulutely nothing Bmom did short of giving birth to me that would cause me to honor her with anything more than Biomom as a title. I detest the term "first mom" because the first motherly love and care I ever recieved was in fact from my Amom. I also find the terms "natural or real" an insult and demeaning to any Amom. There was nothing ureal or unnatural about the love my Amom gave me.

EZ