[specialk4b]

I feel that the decision whether to work or not is a personal one. I've decided to stay home for now because my son has had surgery and it felt like the best thing for us. But I still think he's missing needed socialization that he would get in daycare. So even though I'm staying home, he's starting preschool in the Fall.

I think kids thrive in situations where their parents care about, love and support them. That doesn't mean that someone has to stay home to do it. As you've mentioned, daycare gives kids some tools that really help them.

Meke the decision that feels best for you and try not to let those who will judge you get you down.

[loveajax]

The only real "flak" I catch is from my OWN mom. In fact, just this weekend, she said, "Oh, it's so hard to be a working mom. It stinks for the mom. It stinks for the kid." Thanks, MOM, for your support!!!!

There was a recent thread on GAP board about this. A woman had a great post which essentially was it is horrible for moms to judge each other (based on the SAHM/working thing alone).

I went back to work when DD was three months old and my "daycare" providers were my SIL and MIL. They were both wonderful. DD started preschool/extended day three days a week when she was almost three and I almost wish I had started her sooner. She is a very social, active kid and is totally THRIVING there. I scratched and clawed to get a four day work week and I enjoy having that extra day with her. You will find a way to make it work for YOUR family.

I think, btw, Jo was just saying that in her own experience, having experienced different things, it is harder to be a SAHM with her kids. I can tell you when Tuesday rolls around and I have to go back to work, I am somewhat relieved b/c my one kid runs me ragged...I can't imagine having four!!

We are at the point where DH could probably stay home and we could survive....I feel weird about that, though....not the SAHD thing, but I just wonder if I would feel "jealous" that it wasn't me. He has such a flexible job that I don't think it's necessary (and DD is thriving anyway), but I think about it sometimes....

Finally, the other thing to think about is what kind of career you have. I am a lawyer, and to be frank, it isn't easy just to be a SAHM and then "pop" back in to the field, you know? And I enjoy my work (most days) so I don't know that I would ever want to start from scratch again.

Anyway, good luck figuring it all out!

[jaenelle]

I am also a working mom (actually, up until last month, I went to school full-time AND worked part-time) and it is HARD. Last semester, I was either working or going to school (or doing homework) from 8:30 a.m. until 10:00 p.m. almost every day.

I am now our primary breadwinner and about to be even more so as DH is hoping to begin his college career this fall and will probably work part-time, if that, while he is in school.

I don't argue that good stay-at-home moms have a hard job. I'm sure they do. But it seems all too often they discount working moms as worse moms. I have even had people tell me that I should not have had children unless I was able to be a stay at home mom! For me, that would mean no kids ever, because even if DH gets his college degree, he will never make enough money for me to be able to stay at home. Should we have not adopted Yuna just because of that? That doesn't make sense to me.

I think everyone needs to do what is right for them. For many people, that is being a working mom. I just wish a lot of SAHM would stop criticizing working moms... it really gets old.

It's hard enough being a working mom without feeling people are comparing you to stay at home moms and finding you lacking.

[slugbug0930]

I work outside the home too......though sometimes I wish I could stay home at least part time. But since we can't afford for me to do so....I work. DD is only 2 months old and even with both DH & I doing house work at night we fall behind. I am hoping that once she gets older we will be able to get her some toys that will amuse her enough to let us get something done in the few hours after work and before she goes to sleep. Once asleep....she sleeps so lightly that any little sound wakes her up......so we avoid cleaning, laundry and anything that might wake her.

On the positive side.....she spends all day in private one on one daycare/nanny. She loves it and gets special treatment all day long. She also gets to have a playmate a couple times during the week when her nanny has her 6 month old granddaughter over to visit.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by loveajax

The only real "flak" I catch is from my OWN mom.

For me it's my MIL. She makes comments about how when she was raising kids, they "made do" so they could be home with the kids. We want to more than make do, we want a security they didn't have while raising 3 kids. I work.

[tweetybirdus]

I'm a full time working mom and I don't feel guilty for it. In today's economy and with as much as adoption costs, we need two incomes to make it and be able to give our baby everything she needs. Bree absolutely loves going to daycare, seeing the other kids and playing with them. We chose an in-home daycare with some focus on preschool but is mostly play for her age group. The caregiver is a licensed social worker who, when her children came along, decided to stay home and provide care for other professionals' children. Her assistant is wonderful and is teaching the children some Spanish.

Would I like to stay home? Yes, but this is what is best for us right now.

The bottom line is you've got to do what is right for you and your family and not listen to the criticism because no matter what you do, some are going to be critical. That's their problem, not yours.

[mom2justynsarah]

The first thing you need to do is grow very thick skin. You need to do what's best for YOU and YOUR family. The reality is, nobody can live your life or make any decisions for you. Anybody is allowed to have an opinion. But let the negatives go from one ear and out the other.

I have been a full time working mom since both my kids (now almost 10 yrs old and 4 yrs old) were 3 months old. For the past year, I have been working from home as an independant recruiter. I stayed home with my daughter (due to financial reasons) with my daughter for a few months. But it was a nightmare! SHE couldn't wait to go back to school!!!

[mommy3]

I'm also a full-time working mom who works outside our home, as does my dh. I'm the director of my dept. at a university. When my little one was born, I was finally able to follow the phasing-in plan that I devised for other families so that we could stay home several months after our children were born and then stretch out (or phase-in) our vacation time over several more months so we could not return to work full time right away (if a parent wanted to do this). I've worked full time since I was 20 and almost full time during college, so it's my normal routine. I wouldn't be a great SAHM, I don't think, as I enjoy my work life along with my life with my children. That being said, when I'm being a mommy, I'm with my children, as is my dh, constantly. We do lots of family stuff in the evenings and weekends -- we're not big on "going out" as a couple, but spend that time, instead, with our children.

I don't ever feel guilty about working. It's been our choice to do it this way -- plus I don't know (myself) how families afford things otherwise and am amazed when people tell me how they do it (stay home). I just couldn't swing it, or can't imagine how I'd do it. I was a single mom on purpose (didn't plan to marry my dd's father) first for 7 years before I married my dh, so I was used to "it all being up to me" and loved it when I had my dh to share everything with! While I love work, I will take off, if at all possible, for EVERYTHING my children do, if they are ill, am very involved in their school, etc. I laugh when other moms who also work outside their home say that they can't do something "because they work". Okayeee, now THAT bothers me! Yes, I realize we each have our own work schedules to deal with but the excuse just really gets to me when I know the parent COULD take off but is choosing to not. Ahh, well, I focus on my family instead and try to meet the expectations I have for myself as a mom.

I do have to say that my expectations are very high and that I don't sleep 8 hours a night ever ever ever during the week because I want things to be a certain way and it just takes more time as a result. I also have worked with my dh so that we share a lot of the regular responsibilities around the house; that didn't happen on its own (believe me) but it is "normal" for my dh now to do his part. I don't think of his contributions as "him helping me" but instead, it's stuff that has to get done and he does some of it. That makes a big difference for me, when I compare with friends who haven't gone that extra mile to reel in their husbands (well, it's true) and who do far too much all by themselves.

It helps that I love my career, but then I worked hard to get to a position that I would really love -- this wasn't an accident that I'm "here" now. Plus, it's one of the interesting sidelines of many adoptive parents who ended up havingn to wait a while for each child, so that's given me time to foster my career along the way. susan

[powderpiggy]

I too work full time. I wish I could be a SAHM (yes the guilt) but that is not really our reality. I too sometimes feel like I am an outsider on this forum (and in our neighborhood) so its nice to see how many parents on this forum are working too.

[MMalstrom]

Hello!
We just returned from China in May (with our twin daughters) and after a 3-month leave, I returned to work full time. We share a nanny with another family.

I have working friends with biological children and no-one sugar coated it for me - they said it would be difficult - more for me then the girls. It actually went better then expected and the girls seem to adjust quickly.

But I have an issue of my own. I have noticed that one daughter is quite clingy while the other seems to prefer the nanny over me.

It is pretty heart-wrenching to go to pick the girls up at the end of the day and one of our daughter's runs to the nanny and buries her face in tha nanny's shoulder. She sees me and doesn't want anything to do with me. When I leave she cries and puts her arms out to have the nanny take her back. The three of us were so close when I was home and I thought we had a solid foundation. When we are home, things are back to normal and everything is fine.

But after picking the girls up at first, I want to just cry. I am not sure what my daughter is thinking. Is she mad because she learned to trust me and then I left her with a stranger? Or does she simply just prefer the nanny over me? I have to work right now and the girls seem to be just fine. It's me with the problem.

Anyone else out there have a similar experience?

[marythemom]

I worked in a childcare center for many years. It is totally normal for kids to cling to daycare workers, or appear "mad" at their parents. Most kids cry when they are dropped off and cling to parents, and then do the opposite at the end of the day! Transitions are hard for children of all ages - bio or adopted.

Both your children love you, but just as you can love more than one child, they can love more than one caregiver. The child who is bonding to her caregiver is developing her ability to attach and bond. I know you wouldn't rather that she cries all day at school and doesn't bond to anyone - still, it hurts when a child appears to like one person more than you, whether it's Daddy, daycare worker or Grandma.

When we adopted our children I took my maternity leave and then went back to work. My kids were school age so I didn't think there would be any big problems with me working. My son was kicked out of school on his 3rd day. He had repeated issues with this. My biodd had multiple episodes with her heart, requiring trips to the emergency room. My work had already decided I was "too expensive." So when I asked for some accomadations, possibly going to part-time, they said, "No."

I quit my job and was a SAHM for 5 months while my husband and I purchased a company. Now I'm the President of the company we own and my schedule is very flexible so I can pick up sick children, go to therapy and doctor appointments, and even take my children to work with me if they are having a tough time. If only the company were making a profit it would be an ideal situation!

Neither option is easy, and both have drawbacks and advantages. Parenting is hard no matter how you look at it!

[millie58]

I'm a single working fost/adoptive mother. My foster kids go to daycare, school, daycare and home. I know this is alot but when I'm home at night and on the weekends and holidays, my kids get my undivided attention (ok, most of the time). Plus, I now take meds for ADD but when I would be at home I wouldn't get a thing done so it's a wasted day. I feel like my kids get to see me go to work every day as routine and they'll know what it means. If I was married, I would also work because of DH said anything about the money being his, I'd have to kill him!!

[MMalstrom]

Thanks for the feedback. You make great points. Our daughter is getting better now at "re-attaching" to me when I get home, but initially she is still tight with the nanny. My pride and feelings are hurt, but overall you are right - it's great that she can bond with someone other then us.

Thanks again.

[jp4ga]

I work full time but I have arranged my schedule to have weekends, summers and all of the normal holidays off to be with the kids. But my job and boss are flexible. I would love to quit my job, at least until the kids are old enough to go to school, but I carry the insurance on the entire family, it would cost way too much if my husband had to provide health insurance for us. My husband owns his own business and works from home. Our adopted child is in daycare on DH busy days, and she is home with him with him on his slower days. You just have to do what works for you, and you have to know that the decisions you make are best for your family.

Many friends tell me I should be a SAHM, but they do not realize the implications of not having health insurance, or having to use all of our money to pay for health insurance if my husband had to provide it.

[minibus]

I am a working mom, with two children. I have no desire to be a SAHM. I would go nuts and be upset and frustrated all the time. The socialization and having someone else teach and enforce rules is a VERY good thing for my strong-willed DD.