[ljsdo2007]

We are waiting to adopt, and I am a professional who will not be a stay at home mom, though I plan to arrange my schedule to be at home as much as possible, and my husband will do the same.

We plan to hire a nanny to help us on weekdays, though my husband works from home part time and will be there, if not actively involved in the baby's care all day. I work just a few blocks away and can come home during the day for lunch or breaks.

I feel like I am alone in this, there are so many SAHMs in the adoption community...but I know I'm not, I'm just tired of being judged, tired of the assumptions that continuing my career is selfish, tired of feeling like people think I'm not going to be a good mother if I work outside the home.



Just needed to vent, and hope there are others out there who know how I feel. How do you handle the bad vibes from other people??

[kelceesmom]

I haven't ever gotten that. I work 4 days a week and I didn't want to be a stay at home mom. I think you just have to roll with it. If you don't feel "guilty" then everything is ok.

[kindredspirit]

Don't feel guilty, there are alot of parents, birth or adoptive, that work. It doesn't matter if you do or not as long as you are a good parent and love your child.

I know plenty of SAHM's that don't show their kids the love and attention. (I am not against SAHM's, if you can afford it and love your child, go for it.) Sometimes when you work you know to spend the extra time with your child when you get the time. It is not quanity but quality that counts!!!!

Most adoptive parents are told to tell birthparents that they will be SAHM's even though they might not be after the adoption is final. Thinking this is a way to get birthparents to pick them. I feel honesty is the best this way everyone knows what is going on and you build a good relationship. Plus with money getting tight, more and more mothers are heading back to work.

Don't give up. Good luck.

[BlessedbySnuggs]

You are most definitely not alone!

Both DH and I work, and DD has a nanny come to the house three days a week, and her grandmother watches her the other two days a week.

The truth is, I love my career. I love my family more, but we also need the income! We really enjoy the time we do have together in the mornings, evenings, weekends, and holidays. There are times when I feel guilty, but this is our life and it seems to work out well for us.

I think being a mom, period, you feel guilty sometimes. I have SAHM friends that feel guilty that they don't "contribute" with the income. It's sometimes hard to find a balance. I have found peace, most of the time, with our family/work life.

Good luck in your adoption journey!

[ocracoke]

Another working mom here!! People can judge me if that is what they want to do. I know what works for us. I am a single mom so I need to work. Even if I were married I would work. I found a good day care situation for my daughter and she gets things from that situation that she just couldn'[t getg if she was home with me all the time. Day care works for her. I make no judgment for SAHMs -- I am sure it is right for some families. Just not mine.

Samantha

[finallyamom0310]

You are not alone. I originally had a career that would have allowed me to be more of a SAHM than I am now. Things changed and my career had to as well. I now work 5 days a week and my DD is in Daycare 3 days a week. We all feel guilty but even if we were able to have a bio child instead of adoption, would we end our carreers then too? I know I wouldn't. I need both to be able to fully appreciate what I have.

[aclee]

Us Mom's can't win...as a former Nanny I swore I would stay home with my kids, only to realize it wasn't what we wanted for our family. Tyler goes to a home daycare that is small and wonderful. The kids call her Marmee (the mother from Little Women)...she had 11 kids, and cares for her grandkids and a couple other kids part time. The first time I went over, there was a potty chair in the middle of the living room with a little boy on it. SOLD! She's great.

[megaphonemo]

I've never felt guilty. I am the main breadwinner for our family... And I am proud of that. I just got tapped for a huge new project. My DH always says we are just one more raise for me away from him being a "happily kept man!!" I also love my children to death, but sometimes I think I'd go nuts if I stayed home all day... JMO.....

The girls are thriving and smart and funny and have been in day care since they were 8 and 12 weeks. DD#2s birthmom knew the plan, and liked it... She liked that we were at a big chain daycare where they do background checks on everyone (something we like too)~

Mega

[joskids]

I'm currently a SAHM mom because we feel, with our particular 4 children, that is where I need to be. I've also been a working (outside the home) mom and part-time working mom. You do what works for your family and for your child(ren). It's not up to anybody else to decide how you should parent, just as it's not up to you to make decisions about the families that they raise. I actually saw a woman on trash t.v. the other day (it was a commercial, I didn't turn it on) that said all SAHM's were too lazy to go to work? Pardon me??????? I can tell you from experience both ways that nothing is more difficult than being a mom that stays home full time.

BUT, that doesn't mean it's for everybody and some day soon, when our youngest is in school, I'll be back in the working world again.

It's your life, it's your gift, to do with as you see fit.

Josie

[sheababy]

We had planned to stay home with our daughter for at least a year. I was able to take her to work and my husband works seasonally. By 4 months, she needed so much more stimulation we had to look into daycare. I had never wanted to be a stay at home mom and could not afford it. She is absolutely thriving in a daycare environment, learning faster than I could have imagined.

Ignore people who make you feel guilty-no reason to!

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by kindredspirit

Most adoptive parents are told to tell birthparents that they will be SAHM's even though they might not be after the adoption is final. Thinking this is a way to get birthparents to pick them. I feel honesty is the best this way everyone knows what is going on and you build a good relationship.

Really? Ugh. Our agency has never encouraged us to do anything but tell the truth, which is what we did. How can people live with themselves if they lie to get a child? It's like lying to get a husband. The whole thing is tainted from the beginning. I would be sick to think I had started my child's life in my family with a big ugly lie.

Blech.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by joskids

I can tell you from experience both ways that nothing is more difficult than being a mom that stays home full time.

Right here, you put down working Moms. I think both jobs are difficult and shouldn't be compared. I think Mom's that work outside the home can argue it's hard to work 40 hours or more and then still do all the laundry, housework, and child interaction/bonding in a much shorter amount of time...

This is the same debate all over again. I just want to point out that when SAHM say stuff like this, it makes us Mother's that work outside the house feel like you think staying home is harder...think of everything you do for your house (not taking care of your child, but housework) during a day when a work outside the home mother is working. That's something we have to do when we get home. Even if you slice up foods for your lunch, we had to do that early in the AM, before we left. If you fold one basket of clothes, we have to do that when we get home.

Again, I'm not saying either one is "hardest"...I don't think that a title that any Mom should take from another....

[mommy2fiveplus]

I too am a Full time working mom, I work 3, 12 hour day shifts at a hospital and my boyfriend's job is flexible so he works three of the days I don't work. That way the kids are never in daycare (there are 5 under age 6) which would be cost prohibitive. We do use a daycare for days when I am out of town on Headstart Business and Don needs to work but that is usually during the schoolweek so only the two youngest arein care.

I try not to feel guilty about working, I love my job and I love my kids. I make the majority of our income so I have to work. We also do foster care so it isbeneficial to keep these kids out of daycare as much as possible.

I am a better mom because I work. I know moms that are better as SAHM.

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by aclee

Right here, you put down working Moms. I think both jobs are difficult and shouldn't be compared. I think Mom's that work outside the home can argue it's hard to work 40 hours or more and then still do all the laundry, housework, and child interaction/bonding in a much shorter amount of time...

This is the same debate all over again. I just want to point out that when SAHM say stuff like this, it makes us Mother's that work outside the house feel like you think staying home is harder...think of everything you do for your house (not taking care of your child, but housework) during a day when a work outside the home mother is working. That's something we have to do when we get home. Even if you slice up foods for your lunch, we had to do that early in the AM, before we left. If you fold one basket of clothes, we have to do that when we get home.

Again, I'm not saying either one is "hardest"...I don't think that a title that any Mom should take from another....

I have to agree with this.

There are vast differences in everyone's experience of working outside the home. Some have easier jobs, some harder. Some have more responsibility, some less. Just because you worked outside the home, don't assume you know what it means for every working mother who works outside the home.

I didn't mean to start a debate, so please let's not go there. I was hoping to hear from other adoptive moms who are making it work to have both a career and a family.

The thing I keep hearing is that moms are choosing daycare and preschool and finding their child's life is enriched by this, rather than being denied...I have to say I see that as being true with many of my friends who choose daycare for their kids, but then, I only know people who chose really high quality day care. I know there are some bad ones out there, and I think most of us have the sense to avoid them.

[nikkianni]

DH and I both work full time, Monday through Friday. My parents did the same and so did his. No big deal.
DD stays with my SIL on Mondays and Tuesday through Friday she's with my Aunt.
In my case I do wish I could be a SAHM, but right now that's not possible. After adoption #2 we'll see. But that's a personal decision for everyone, and no two people are going to feel the same exact way about it.
That doesn't mean one way is better than the other. Or easier. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for being a working mom.