[kelceesmom]

Do you ever feel that life is unfair because you aren't/weren't able to get pregnant?

What are you doing for yourself so that this doesn't become a constant in your life?

[ocracoke]

I know that when I was going through fertility treatment I was disappointed every month that I wasn't pregnant. I hated hearing the well meaning words, "Maybe there is a reason you didn't get pregnant this month." But when I finally switched to adoption it was like a weight lifted off of me. Being pregnant wasn't my goal. And I never really wanted to give birth. I wanted to be a mom. And adoption seemed to be the sure thing versus pouring money into the doctor's with no results. And what I do to make it less unfair -- I look at my daughter. I enjoy my daughter. And I realize that she didn't get stuck with my genetic makeup so maybe she won't have my hips.

Samantha

[linda512]

I did for a long time. It is so much since my son is home and I am busy and incredibly happy with him. I get twinges of it occasionally- most often when someone else is pregnant. Not everyone, just some people and I can't always figure out why. But it does not consume me at all now and the worst is behind me.

[loveajax]

DH and I were talking about this the other day. My one "regret" was that I don't think I got the quality of care that I should have (I went to the same clinic for years and then found out they failed to test me for what likely was causing my IF). Infertility is hard, but to me being a mom was the real goal. I feel like my daughter was just meant to be my daughter if that makes sense.

It's sort of rearing its head again for me because I would like to have another child but I won't go back to treatments and I am a little "weary" of going thru the adoption process again (plus financially we are not "there" yet).

[HBV]

Yes and no. When I'm feeling resentful about having to deal with a lot of extra adoption "stuff" I'm a little envious of people who don't have to do that. And when we thought about this second baby (who would have had some genetic risk factors) I wish I could have had more control over that, but really, for the most part, I feel like I am over it. I might as well waste my time lamenting the fact that I am not taller or that I don't have blue eyes. It's just not going to happen.

Truly, although I did grieve when we found out, I think maybe I was relieved a little as well. I was older when we married, I was older when we tried to conceive and maybe, in the long run, it really IS best that I didn't.

Besides, I have what I wanted....a child.

[crick]

At the time we discovered that it would require IVF for me to possibly get pregnant I was disappointed that it couldn't happen naturally and thought that was unfair.

Like Oracoke, my desire to be pregnant or give birth was much lower than my desire to be a mom. So once I knew it wasn't likely to happen without invasive procedures, I was okay with closing that chapter and moving on with my desire to be a mom and figuring out the best way for me to do that.

Honestly...my main regret is for my dh. He was adopted as an infant and I know there is a part of him that would really like to look into the face of another and see a part of him. He loves our kids and wouldn't change that, but sometimes I feel a bit guilty for not trying to do IVF. He'd never ask me to do it, nor does he resent it etc., it's just something I put on myself sometimes.

[bethy724]

I think life is unfair in many ways. I had a bone marrow transplant & chemo induced menapause at 29. Is it fair that some people have life threatning illness than continually be told to just be happy to be alive? No, not really.

I am so thankful for my son & infertility is that last thing on my mind, however, it took YEARS to come to terms with it.

The thing that is blantently unfair about adoption (instead of pregnancy) is I had no baby showers, no cards, no nothing to acknowledge my motherhood. My son came to me thru foster care so nobody knew what to do & just by saying "I wasn't sure what to do" absolved them (family, co-workers & friends) of any celebration of my becoming a mom. It isn't fair that I don't have photos of the first 3 months of my son's life. I'm also doing it alone - it's not fair that men are intimidated by an independant woman or don't want to date a woman knowing she may have fertility issues & they may want "their own" children in the future. (not somebody I'd want to date anyway).

Lifes not fair, but if the goal is parenthood it can be met thru adoption & bring more joy than the sorrow & loss infertility brings.

[loveajax]

crick, i totally get that. my dh is adopted and was "looking forward" to having his first biological link in the world. i still feel a little "sad" about that for him (though like you say, I know he would never change anything and is kookoo in love with DD).

[OnTheJourney]

I too felt sad for DH - he was the one the one who wanted the pg and birth, but after he held DS the 1st time, it was all a distant memory. Me, well I just wanted to be a Mom. My desire to actually be pg or give birth has always been very low. So I'm thrilled! I don't really feel I have been delt a hard-knock life, I feel blessed.
To me, it's kinda like a wedding vs marriage. So many people put soo much effort into the details of the 'perfect wedding', soo much planning and preparing for that one day - they forget about the marriage. That is the part that lasts forever (or should last) and should involve prepreation and planning. If something goes wrong in the wedding prep, it can sometime affect the couple's marriage for years. A wedding is one day with usually several months of planning and prep, but a marriage is forever with usually very little prep and planning. That is how I view pg/birth vs parenthood. A birth is a day with about 9 months planning and prep, but parenthood is for a lifetime with usually very little planning or prep.
And if I ever start to think that my life is unfair b/c I was not able to be pg - how fair is it that soo many childern are born into poverty and desease ridded countries without any choice, that childern are abused, neglected, starving... they didn't have a choice - Yeah I am blessed.

Sorry for the rant...

[alinev]

The fertility process was painful. I think because we had a goal and couldn't get there. I think of myself as pretty pragmantic as a whole, the whole "is it fair" never really entered my mind, my infertility "just was" and quite frankly, I was 40 when I started so I had to take more then a little responsibility for my plight.

Once we began the adoption process we were matched immediately and almost immediatly thereafter I became pregnant naturally. Amazingly fortunate, yes, but I have to admit I was oddly angry. I was so invested in the child we were matched with that I became a bit resentful that my pregnancy might compromise the adoption or that I would not be able to fully bond with our new guy because I was wiped out from the pregnancy. My glass was overflowing and somehow I was stuck in seeing it half full.

It all feels so long ago now...

[Ladyofmoonlight]

Sometimes I feel a tinge of jealousy when I look at a woman with a swollen pregnant belly or a newborn baby, but since my son came home that's mostly dissipated.

We were young when we got married, only tried to conceive for 6 months before finding out my DH, at 21, was infertile, and went back and forth over the decision to pursue adoption or fertility treatments for only a few months before settling on adoption. Honestly, if we'd known adoption was an option for people in our age group I'm not totally certain we would have tried to conceive at all. We had both always planned to adopt some day, though I'd never heard of anyone under age 30 who adopted so I assumed we wouldn't be qualified, and we were in fact turned away repeatedly from places that we actually did qualify for, like county foster care.

Of course, there's still a possibility of trying again to conceive. We didn't try the infertility treatments, and DH's urologist believes we'd have a high likelihood of success with IUI. In fact we were both rather certain that we would indeed pursue it sometime within the next few years, however once I actually held my son in my arms... suddenly the urge isn't all that pressing. And there are still soooo many kids that need homes, so many we could take in.

It's funny, I think, that DH is the one with the fertility problem as he's also the one that wasn't certain about having a biological child. I was the one that wanted the experience of being pregnant and setting up the nursery and having a baby shower and giving birth and nursing... Although I never felt a need to pass on my genes. And those 6 months of TTC were some of the hardest of my life. I think that, as crappy as it sounds to hear it, some people are simply not meant to become pregnant and give birth. At this point I'm so glad it didn't work! I wouldn't have Paxton if it did.

[babycav]

When I was going though all my treatments I was mad at the world! I lost both parents within 2 years of each other and then got shoved into the h*llish world of IVF right after that- I thought FOR CERTAIN I would get PG immediately, did, then m/c early- While going through each cycle I was working as an onsite agent for a builder- Families would come in all the time w/ kids in tow & one on the way just happy, happy, happy having babies and buying an expensive new house- YIPPEE!! Of course the ? always come up "do you have kids? when are you having babies? I was so consumed w/ jealousy & hate for these people that I decided to work somewhere else!! The next builder I worked for changed my life- I continued my IVF cycles just burning through each and every commission check I made ( what a waste!) but I discovered several people that I worked w/ were adopted or had adopted- Then one day I was at work trying to regain my composure from another negative phone call from my Dr. when in walked this girl- We started chatting, found out we went to High School together, I told her about my earlier phone call & she told me that she had done 3 rounds of IVF and finally said "screw it" and now had a son & daughter that she adopted at birth! I saw this as MY SIGN...I got in contact w/ an adoption professional here in GA, set up our appt. and the rest is history! I am not the most religious person but I will say that once I let everything go & stopped trying to CONTROL my path to motherhood, my son was brought to me. Yes, I still get a twinge here and there when I hear about someone being pg but I get over it REAL QUICK when I look at or hold my sweet, sweet boy- I would not trade him for a houseful of babies that I gave birth to- He and I were meant for each other-- You know how people think of having a soul mate? Well, I think he is my soul-baby

[Nalyd_loved_forever]

For years I was jealous, resentful, and angry because I could not give birth to a child. I would stew over my pain and anger. Truly it made me a bitter person. Why was it that other women, unprepared and unwilling to give a child the life they deserved, were granted this precious gift, yet I was time and time again denied.

Looking at my son's face, I know the reason. All that pain and anger was a journey I had to make to reach him. I would go through it again and again if I would find him at the end.

In my house we laugh. A normal human pregnancy is around 9 months, an elephants nearly 2 years, and mine, well it was an emotional pregnancy that lasted 12 years.

Luckily in my life I have had two wonderful friends who have been willing to share everything "pregnancy" related, right down to the gas. One had fertility issues of her own, but she now has two beautiful biological children. The other, my sister-in-law. No matter how stupid the question, they never laughed. They shared it all and through them I guess I have healed. In more ways than one they have both saved my sanity and I will love them forever for their aide in helping me find peace.

[Shai's Mom]

I have one bio daughter and two sons that dh and I adopted. I also had 13 IVF treatments and 7 miscarriages, so I've been around the block a few times.

I am sad for the babies that weren't allowed to live. But my sons completed my life. Since adoption was something that I had always wanted, I don't have any feelings of resentment or that I missed out on anything.

To add to that, I had a very difficult pregnancy and hard labor with my daughter, and all my subsequent pregnancies involved bedrest etc. so the experience of carrying a baby wasn't all that easy on me at all.

No, I don't harbor any resentment or bad feelings, I'm simply grateful for my lovely boys.

[KIC1975]

For me, the part that I miss is having control over when we have kids. I wanted kids younger, but spent years TTC before we moved on to adoption. Now, I still feel out of control of the timing for our second child. We have to wait until we are picked. I also kinda missed breast feeding. Though I am a little ambivalent about it still.
Other than that, I would choose adoption over birth any day! I am quite involved in horseback riding. Often I have students that are returning to riding after taking time off to have kids and physically going through pregnancy really causes some difficulty in getting back into riding. So, I'm glad I don't have to overcome the physical changes that pregnancy causes. Hmm, now that I see that in writing it sounds kinda shallow. But, I don't really mean it that way. I'm just learning how to appreciate what my life has given me.
It took me years though, before I could not have a twinge of regret when people close to me got pregnant. Now, my cousin is pregnant and really really sick. That helps me not miss pregnancy so much. :-)