[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

The thing that is blantently unfair about adoption (instead of pregnancy) is I had no baby showers, no cards, no nothing to acknowledge my motherhood. My son came to me thru foster care so nobody knew what to do & just by saying "I wasn't sure what to do" absolved them (family, co-workers & friends) of any celebration of my becoming a mom. It isn't fair that I don't have photos of the first 3 months of my son's life.

I totally agree with this! I hate that you watch someone hold the door for a pregnant woman...or that there is PG woman parking at Babies R Us...but when you have to haul the car seat, diaper bag, your own purse, etc...there is nobody holding doors. I did it with 2 little ones and I recall circling the grocery store trying to find a cart that someone had left in the parking lot so that I could get both of them in the store. DH works weird shifts and I used to pay my neice or nephew to push a secod cart for me because it took one just to haul the boys around.

It is totally selfish that I desired...and sometimes still do...the attention of a pregnant woman. Now I wish I could participate when women sit and share their pregnancy cravings, the first time they felt a kick or a hiccup, the struggles and joys of delivery. I had my own tears and struggles. It was a trying time for our marriage and for me as an individual to come to terms with the fact that I could not become pregnant.

As far as anger...I was exposed to a drug that was widely distributed from the 1940s to early 1970. It was eventually taken off the market in 1971...I was born in 1970. It was taken off the market because it was not known until the children who were exposed came to reproductive age that it was causing infertility. My mom was given it in the 3rd month of her pregnancy with me. My mother carrys alot of guilt...but we both know that I might not be here if not for this drug. I am angry with science, angry with the pharmaceutical companies, and the FDA.

BUT, I also know that I love my boys and they were meant to be my children...and if not for my exposure to this drug that caused my infertility, I might never have realized the magic of adoption.

[zempagirl]

I was sad to say the least that I couldn't have children. Now I see maybe it was part a bigger plan for us to adopt a child. I miss the fact that I won't ever know what it feels like to be pregnant or be able to feel my child move in the womb. I also don't like the fact that I had no control over on when I could have a child. But in the end adoption truly was a gift that gave us a family.

[finallyamom0310]

I too have felt the twinge of not carrying a child is still missing from my life. I love my daughter and every day that I look at her know that she is why I wasn't ever pg, so I could adopt her. Now a family member is pg again through IVF and because of my daughter and finally being a mom, I can truely support them with this second child of theirs. Of course I would love to expand our family and have thought about IVF again, but don't want to waste money on something that might not happen. My husband and I have decided, when the time is right to adopt again. There are so many children out there in need of permanent homes.

[circap]

I like the "because God had bigger plans for me than I had for myself" on your signature line. I tell myself that all the time. When I had my DD 12 yrs ago, we were working like crazy and it all went by so fast from what I remember. I kept telling myself "with the next one you can slow down and savor every little thing". Well, that wasn't in the plans..10 years of trying (with no explainations of why we can't get pregnant really), quitting my job because my doc laughingly said "it was stress), 2 miscarriages later, and we have accepted that there are different plans for our family.... I have had the opportunity to love and mother seven children in less than 2 years, with each touching our lives in their own special way.

[musemoon]

I never tried to get pregnant. The funny thing for me is, I dreamed of being pregnant from the moment I turned 18, EVERYDAY!!!! I dreamed of being pregant, I would put pillows under my nightgown and pretend I was pregnant when I was younger. As the years went on and I hadn't stayed with the men I loved, I started to worry about my chances of having children, then I was diagnosed with a big ol' ovarian tumor and had a messy ouchy C-section to remove a beneign 5lbs mass (which had been growing from the time I was 13 and had teeth and hair...weird...weird!) I decided to foster adopt. Seriously, from the minute my daughter was placed in my arms, I never wanted to be pregnant again. I had one 24 hour crying spell to grieve my "pregnancy" and that was it. After I read Aria's disclosure statements just before adopting her and discovered the horrid life she would have lived (drugs, childhood sex abuse, jail) I was so thrilled that I chose to adopt and am equally thrilled to adopt again!

[Dukefamilyest2001]

Good Morning All--Im new here so pardon me as I throw myself out here. DH and I became pregnant with our son. in 2001..and although not planned he is the most remarkable thing in the world. After he was around 2-3 we knew we wanted more kids and began trying to conceive...it didnt work with just the two of us. I had surgery on my ovaries followed by Rx'es of Clomid which failed and I ran to my OB begging for a hysterectomy because I felt I was being tortured every month when Aunt Flo would arrive taunting me with the words NOT PREGNANT AGAIN!! My brother during this time had a baby and I was there for my nephews birth -- I became really a mess of emotions for a while. Why could he have more babies and not me! I was sounding like a spoiled brat...I WANT ONE I WANT ONE I WANT A BABY!!
My OB wouldnt do the hysterectomy so close to the Clomid failure because he knew I was under a lot of stress and giving up to quickly. I gave "TRYING" a break and focused on the one child that I was blessed with. Then DH comes home one day and says to me "We have to do this another way--maybe adoption?" Who was this man and what did he do with my husband??? This was the best idea this man has had in our 7 nearly 8 years of marriage!!
We began all the processes and were choosen in April of this year pending the birth of our baby boy ANY DAY Now I have in the back of my mind...What if she changes her mind?
We went to the hospital last night and she was 1 cm dilated. Discharged of course to go home and walk a bit. I saw a brand spankin new baby be strolled by her room (someone elses delivery) and I am hooked!! Where is mine?? I keep saying, come on stop teasing me!!!
Its hard being on this end of the labor pains, I cant feel the kicking, I cant feel the contractions, and it hurts not knowing what Bmom feels. Does she regret me being around sometimes is what I ask myself. I see her once a week to ensure she is fed, vitamins and clothes etc...I know the adoption will go through but what if she runs in the middle of the night???All of these thoughts race through my head. Everyone tells me its ok, Im entitled to the emotional roller coaster....Its not ok with me right now because Ethan will be born any minute and I dont want to miss a moment. Sorry for the long post, I really needed to vent somewhere...If you made it this far in the post I could really use someone who is traveling the adoption path to talk to ....Thanks for listening

Email: Dukefamilyest2001@comcast.net

[mom2justynsarah]

Wow! You hit an emotional nerve with me. What you said was deep, and I just wanted to reach out and hug you (if you don't mind).. ((((((HUGS)))))

[quote=Nalyd_loved_forever]For years I was jealous, resentful, and angry because I could not give birth to a child. I would stew over my pain and anger. Truly it made me a bitter person. Why was it that other women, unprepared and unwilling to give a child the life they deserved, were granted this precious gift, yet I was time and time again denied.

Looking at my son's face, I know the reason. All that pain and anger was a journey I had to make to reach him. I would go through it again and again if I would find him at the end.

In my house we laugh. A normal human pregnancy is around 9 months, an elephants nearly 2 years, and mine, well it was an emotional pregnancy that lasted 12 years.

[kerrib]

this is a slightly different answer but in the same range. I had always known I wanted to be a mother. I expected to be married shortly after college, pregnant within a few years, and a blissful SAHM a few years after that.

Needless to say, that is not how my life turned out. I started the adoption process as a 39 year old single woman. I will never know whether I could conceive or not and at 41, even if a great guy knocked on my door, I wouldn't even try.

I think my daughter is the most fabulous child in the world and would not change having her in my life for anything. but my older sister has the life I always thought I would have. she has five wonderful children, a loving husband, and is financially secure. Jealous? yes, it's hard to be around her even though she is a lovely person. I live quite close because my mother is nearby and her support has been invaluable. But, honestly, if it weren't for my mother's presence and the real estate values, I would move away just so as not to have to face that constantly.

I'm not sure if that would even come close to the pain of infertility, but I do know what it's like to let go of childhood dreams and expectations.

[mom2justynsarah]

OMG! This brought me chills! I couldn't agree with you more. I remember going through 3 rounds of stimulation for an IVF cycle and crying hysterically when they would cancel me for not producing enough eggs. Finally, on my last round, a very special nurse (my angel) hid my chart from the doctor, and this allowed me to go through the entire cycle. It is then that I got pregnant with my miracle baby, my son.

For the next six years, I would get very jealous of pregnant women or mom's with more than one child. I knew I was so lucky to get pregnant with my son. But knowing that I couldn't afford another IVF or couldn't get pregnant naturally would make me depressed. I WANTED to parent another child. I used to ask g-d what my purpose was to suffer with infertility. I resigned myself to raising an only child.

But then, six years later, a friend of mine bumped into another friend at the mall. She had just adopoted a beautiful baby girl from a facillitator in California. Well, like they say, the rest is history. From the time we sent our bmother letter to the time we took our daughter home was two months. Our adoption from start to finish was fast! Like you, both my children were meant to be..not on my terms..but when I gave up trying to control my path to motherhood. Both my "babies" are my soulmates..I am truely meant to parent both of them..and I am so blessed and LOVING IT!!!!!

I am not the most religious person but I will say that once I let everything go & stopped trying to CONTROL my path to motherhood, my son was brought to me. Yes, I still get a twinge here and there when I hear about someone being pg but I get over it REAL QUICK when I look at or hold my sweet, sweet boy- I would not trade him for a houseful of babies that I gave birth to- He and I were meant for each other-- You know how people think of having a soul mate? Well, I think he is my soul-baby[/quote]

[furrybluemom]

I have adopted twice before from foster care and love my 3 boys with all my heart. After 7 years of waiting for them to be emotionally and physically stable, DH and I decided it was time to add the girl. That was in June 2006. We have been through Guatemala shutting down and now Vietnam shutting down. We are considering other country options. We just applied for a domestic adoption through DSS. I saw a profile of a little girl and sent in our homestudy only to be told that we were one of over 175 families who have submitted homestudies. I can't believe the bad luck we have had, the money we have spent, the number of agencies we have worked with, the vast quanities of expired documents we have collected. I just want to parent another child. I never tried to get pregnant and now my age and health issues it is no longer an option. We are willing to parent children with special needs again and are already parenting biracial children. The boys therapist told us not to do foster care since that would effect their stablity. I know that I should be content with my 3 boys, but I can't let go of the unfairness of it all. Any words of wisdom on how to move past this would be welcome.

[jalapeno]

Originally Posted by furrybluemom

I have adopted twice before from foster care and love my 3 boys with all my heart. After 7 years of waiting for them to be emotionally and physically stable, DH and I decided it was time to add the girl. That was in June 2006. We have been through Guatemala shutting down and now Vietnam shutting down. We are considering other country options. We just applied for a domestic adoption through DSS. I saw a profile of a little girl and sent in our homestudy only to be told that we were one of over 175 families who have submitted homestudies. I can't believe the bad luck we have had, the money we have spent, the number of agencies we have worked with, the vast quanities of expired documents we have collected. I just want to parent another child. I never tried to get pregnant and now my age and health issues it is no longer an option. We are willing to parent children with special needs again and are already parenting biracial children. The boys therapist told us not to do foster care since that would effect their stablity. I know that I should be content with my 3 boys, but I can't let go of the unfairness of it all. Any words of wisdom on how to move past this would be welcome.

I'm slightly confused. The boys' therapist would be ok with you doing an international adoption with a special needs child but not fost/adopt? Why not fost/adopt with a child that's already been TPR'd? Would the boys have an issue with the concept of foster care or is it that they might become attached and then have something happen to disrupt the placement? I KNOW nothing is guaranteed in foster care (I've been through my own soul-crushing experience there) but maybe it wouldn't hurt to check out the list of kiddos looking for homes? Seems like there are always a few available that have already been through 95% of the legal red tape. I wish you the best. I don't think you need to be "content" if you still feel the pull to parent another child. There's a way. It might take time but your daughter will be worth it.

[furrybluemom]

Thank you for your support. I'm feeling better tonight. It just looks so hopeless some days.

You are correct. The therapist feels that the boy's attachment issues would flare up if a child came into our home and left. We are looking into children from foster care with TPR finished. Unfortunatly, I want a daughter after 3 sons and little girls are hard to find. I do not feel comfortable bringing a preteen or teen girl into my home with 3 boys ages 13, 13, 18. Anyone tried this?

[Kdall]

Hi -

Yes I do feel like life is unfair. My mom passed away when I was 3yrs old and I have always wanted children. I dreamed of having 3 by the time I was 30.. Here I am 36 and no children. I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. Been through multiple IUI's, 2 IVF's and have never been PG. We are going to do another IVF cycle in the Fall and we have been waiting to be matched with a birthmom since November. I didn't think it would take this long as my DH's cousin used the same adoption atty and she was matched in 6 months.

Last yr I had to deal with both my younger sister and my DH's brother's girlfriend getting PG on "accident".. we now have a cute niece and nephew in the family but it was really hard on me to deal with their pregnancies.

Life just does seem so unfair at times but we areanxiously awaiting to be matched with a birthmom and hoping the IVF works!

[Stormster]

For me I freaked out when I was told I had to use an egg donor. I guess the genetic issue was much bigger for me than the pregnancy issue because after that we went immediately on the adoption path even though there was still a good chance I could carry a baby to term (after surgery).

I get sad that E doesn't have sibs who live with us though. I get sad that I couldn't have a larger family. I get sad but I'm not bitter anymore. I can't be I have too much to be grateful for now.

But man I did NOT think life was fair for a long long time (esp. after miscarriage and failed placement). Wait maybe I am bitter! I was just thinking about something and feeling slightly bitter!

I think I may be bitter that I did not get to enjoy the early months because that failed placement just ruined me temporarily. No nursery, no showers, I was scared of EVERYTHING. I'm bitter about the failed placement I mean I had already been through so much. What the heck was the point of putting me through THAT!?

wow where did that come from?

[ryansbella]

I have 2 children-one from birth and one that was adopted. I love them both the same but I do wish I would of had all the pregnancy bonding with my son that I did with my daughter. After adopting my son, the infertility issue went out the window-or so I thought. I wouldn't trade him for the world but I am still envious of those who have their children by birth. Like I said, my daughter is biological but not mine and my husbands. I feel so bad that my hubby won't be able to look at his children and see himself in them but I do know that he adores each of them as much as I do. I thought I was over the infertiliy issue until my DD father and his girlfriend informed us they are expecting. That's when it hit me that I never truely greived and I still long to have a pregnancy. My ultimate goal always was to have children, whether from myself or adoption. And I am blessed that I have both of my children. I love them both the same and I have no different feelings from one to the other. But I do still long for another pregnancy. I don't know. I think I'm afraid to grieve in fear that someone will think I am not happy being an adoptive parent. And i am!