[zempagirl]

I am seeking advice as our birthmom has told us that she having another baby in May. Our son just turned 14 months and I am wondering if anyone has had this experience in an open adoption with your birthmom having 2 children close in age. She is with the father and they are planning on keeping this baby. I know her circumstances this time around are very different. What and how would you try to start explaining this to your child. Right away since he won't even be 2 when the baby is born. Do I identify the baby as his brother or sister? Any advise on this matter would very much appreaciated.

Thanks
Deb

[mom2handq]

As you said, her circumstances are very different this time around. I think you can just explain the reasons why she was not able to be a parent at the time when your son was born, and knew that joining your family was what was best for him, however, when the second baby was born things were different , and she felt she could provide for that baby. I would assure your child that she loved both of them equally, and did what she thought was best for each child.

I would refer to the younger sibling as "your brother/ sister", explaining that they will always have a special bond, even though they have different families.

Good luck, I know trying to figure out how to explain complicated issues to our children in a loving way, can be difficult.

[Hopeful-Hearts]

I agree with mom2handq, birthmom situation has changed and now she is able to do more than she was at the time of your sons birth. It doesn't mean, she loved one more than the other, when the time is right, your son will understand that. Good Luck

[HBV]

We're struggling w/ this, too. I think the changed circumstances are the key.

We are having a little harder time, because her circumstances really haven't changed (except that perhaps they are worse.) And truly, I'm kind of reluctant to emphasize the "sister" relationship that much right now, but that's me, and that's our unique situation.

Do what feels comfortable to you----the one thing we are making sure of right now is that we never lie to H about who anyone is. We refer to N (new baby) by her name and as M's (H's bmom) baby. Frankly, he couldn't care less right now.

[gatorkids]

Deb,

We adopted my son 10 years ago at birth. He is the youngest of my four children. He had a birthsister that was one year older than he was. She was placed in another adoptive home. Our birthmom has had four MORE children since then.

We refer to our son's birthsister as a birthsister and always have. The next four children that she had, we don't really refer to them as birthsister/brothers. I'm not sure why??

[kimbo2700]

Hi - We have a very similar situation. We have some real concerns in explaining this. When our daughter was born our birthmother had a job, insurance, and a partner. Then she becomes pregnant a year and a half later, and is less prepared than she was with our daughter. Single with no job. How on earth are we suppose to explain that situation to our daughter, when we can't figure it out ourselves. It breaks my heart to even anticpiate having this conversation with her.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by kimbo2700

Hi - We have a very similar situation. We have some real concerns in explaining this. When our daughter was born our birthmother had a job, insurance, and a partner. Then she becomes pregnant a year and a half later, and is less prepared than she was with our daughter. Single with no job. How on earth are we suppose to explain that situation to our daughter, when we can't figure it out ourselves. It breaks my heart to even anticpiate having this conversation with her.

I think it is important to note two things. One, placing a child is notjust about circumstances. You cannot separate the mind and the heart. Your daughter's birthmother most likely could not face the pain that a second placement would bring. The loss is too tremendous.

I do not think it is up to the adoptive parents to explain what is in the birthmom's heart. It is up to the birthmom.

[gatorkids]

Since I posted this last March, I have to add an update. My son, 10, has now met his older birthsister for the 1st time and oh wow, what a tremendous meeting it was. His birthsister,11, had the opportunity to meet her birthmother the other four children that she gave birth to after my son. I have to tell you, there was a great deal if indifference toward the whole situation. The kids, 10 and 11, as of today, have no problem at all with the fact that birthmom went on with her life and had other children. I'm not sure what affect this will have later in life or what issues will arise from it, but as of today....
all is good!