[momagain5]

HI,we adopted our fosterson 4 months ago.he lived with us a year before that.since being in our home he has only had 2 visits with his bmom.she relinquished on the day of the tpr.we verbally agreed to limited contact.to us this means 1-2 visits a year.and letter and pic 1-2 times a year.shw was told we would need some time after finalizing just to be a family before a visit could happen.contact is done through our agency.she has sent several cards to son,called our sw several times,asking when she will get a visit.and now has mailed a package for him with several small gifts and toys.we do have a visit set up in dec.she must meet with his therapist first.sw has told me she doesn not feel we will want to share the cards with him at this time.i dont feel she should have sent a package with a bunch of small gifts.we will get package from sw,but not sure weather to give to him or not.we are going to write a letter,although she has already been told,only one small gift for his birthday and christmas.is she being inapproriate or am i jusr being overly sensitive?she has substance abuse issues,and is not in a healthy state of mind.i really have mixed feelings about the visit.any suggestions.?

[summerludwig]

Congratulations on the adoption! How old is your son? My only advice, we are adopting our foster kiddos too, is that with a birthmom that isn't sober and thinking clearly, it's important to make her follow the rules.
While you may feel you're overreacting to the care package, it would be much worse for her to send him things for a time, stop, start, etc. Your son needs consistency and by following the groundrules you established he will get that.
It might be alright this time to allow it as it could be seen as a "goodbye" gift or something like that but I don't think it's a good thing to continue to allow. I hope this made sense.

Good luck to you,
Summer

[bubblest]

Congratulations on your adoption! I finalized the adoption of my daughter in May and have some similar issues. Her birthmom does not have substance abuse issues, but is developementally delayed. We go through periods where she will send gifts, cards and letters a lot. The gifts are usually not age appropriate for my 2 year old daughter (ie. a diaper bag full of glass figurines, mugs, etc) so I've kept those aside for when she's older and can appreciate them. Since B is so young she doesn't "get" cards and letters so I read the appropriate parts to her and save them for later as well.

At first it made me uncomfortable, but I've realized she is just trying to make sure my DD knows how much she is loved. My hope is that this will help her through any feelings of abandonment, etc, that may come up as she begins to understand that she was adopted.

I'm glad you're having the birthmom meet with the counselor prior to the visit. In my open adoption agreement there is a clause that if B's birthmom is under the influence or inappropriate the visits are to be discontinued.

Good luck to you. I know it's not easy beginning an open adoption relationship in this situation.

[momagain5]

Thanks everyone.he is 10 will be 11 next month.I hope the visit goes well.

[Barksum]

Age plays a really huge factor here, as well as the already established relationship. We found that bio parent visits for our foster kids were often problematic because of all the anticipation (positive or negative) and then dealing with all the complex emotions after the visit was over. The emotional aftermath was often seen in negative behaviors, regression of one kind or another, etc. It just depended on the child.

There are a couple of basic things that are helpful to keep in mind, and then proceed with a plan that you believe best meets your son's needs at the time and with the information you have.

1) Insist on sobriety for visits. If bio mom is drunk or obviously high/low due to drugs or alcohol this has a direct and adverse effect on any interaction with the child. Kids know, sometimes better than adults, when their parent is impaired. Don't allow visits to happen if sobriety can not be established factually.

2) Do not lie or be crafty about how you relate information to your son. Be as age appropriately open and factual as you are able. If you don't believe that you should share certain info with your son and he is asking for more info you can let him know that sometimes there are adult issues that need to be taken into consideration but that can't be discussed with him.

Sharing the analogy of the heavy suitcase with a child is sometimes helpful: a loving and nurturing parent does not ask or give a child a suitcase to carry that weighs too much. The child isn't ready for that kind of burden, and wouldn't be able to complete the task. He might even be injured if given that amount of weight to carry. Caring parents carry some of those heavy suitcases until the child has developed strong enough muscles to cope.

3) Set some general basic rules with bio mom and remind her if she is not abiding by the rules. The rules are there not for her care and comfort, or yours, but for your son's. Keep reminding each other about the focus being on the son. She may need more than your son can give at a particular time. She will then need to find other resources to help with her emotional needs. If the agency is facilitating visits you can refer her to them for help in finding the resources she may need. (Physical, emotional, whatever.)

Hang in there. If you want to talk with others who've dealt with this (we don't have direct contact with our kids' bio parents) you might try cross posting this on the special needs forum.

[ecs5298]

I would do what people have said above and have them sober to visit. I also believe that their should be established rules such as consistency with visits...if it's twice a year then only twice a year but they are to show up, that they are consistently loving, that they show up sober etc. In regards to gifts...It sounds bad but our bmom never did come over or call but would send presents with her parents to our daughter. We'd get the present and the message from the bgrandparents would be "I don't want you around but here's a present". Because she never called, e-mailed, or came over or even personally checked on this child I couldn't accept gifts and asked her parents to please have her save them herself. I am sorry but when no contact is made directly it's like accepting a present from a stranger. I am sorry about the tangent.
Be careful that when the baby is older that they don't start showing up at the child's functions like daycare, school, activities etc. There are alot of stories about people who have substance abuse issues who come around unexpectedly. Place the bounderies that your feel are best...be firm...you want the child to feel protected....yet you want them to have some type of relationship witht he bmom. LOL

[Rifilanna]

As a b-mom I am very suprised at the "too many presents" idea, never occured to me. I had thought of small gifts (about to send one I might add) as a non-intrusive way of showing caring. That said, of course she should be sober. How about a contract so that everyone understands? Social workers and agencies change, so an agreement though them can be changeable and end up working for a third party, not either family or you child. A verbal agreement is dangerous as everyone can remember what works for them. In the end, you have to have the relationship with the bmom that is, not an easier one.

[momagain5]

hi everyone,
just to update the visit with bmom never happened.she agreed to a date ,then cancelled,supposedly due to a injury.we are now trying to set up a visit in feb.if she cancels this time,we are done.