[Adopted-B-4]

We have 2 boys who we recieved through adoption. We love them so much! But we always knew, even when we started their adoption that we wanted another one, we just always wanted 3! And we always wanted a little girl! So, we started the adoption process again 2 years and 2 months ago. Since that time, we have had the nursery completely ready, so for the past 2 years, it has basically been unused. The reason we had it ready then was the agency we are using (the same one we used for our boys) told us it wouldn't be long that they had a huge influx of birthmothers placing and get ready! Well, here we are...a room we can't even really use, that we could be using for the boys play room, I will be 38 next month, and we just had a failed match in August, other than that, no prospects. I am at my wits end!!!!! What do we do?? We have prayed and prayed and we have placed it all in Gods hands knowing that he led us down this path again, but now, since the failed match, I am completely beside myself! One day I am sobbing all day and the next I am fine. I have spoken with our agency and they feel they haven't had as many birthmothers due to the morning after pill is one thing she told me but she also said that most of the birthmothers they have had have requested an adoptive couple with no children, which I understand. She said she has 3 birthmothers right now, one who is matched and the other 2, she really doesn't expect to place. I think there are only like 10 couples on the list and I am pretty sure we are at the top of the list, but that is only if a birthmother says she wants the agency to choose the couple. I have asked for their input about changes in our lifebook and I have completely changed it based on their recommendations about 1 year ago.

My question is mainly, do you think that 38 is too old to be chosen by a birthmother? The reason I ask, when we were matched with the birthmother that was due in August, we met her, it was great, but almost as an after thought, we were starting to walk away when she said "You look so young!". That was it. She made the plan for us to come and be at the hospital and everything and then she never called the caseworker when she gave birth and decided to parent her baby. I know it sounds crazy, but I told my husband that day that I felt she must have thought I was going to be ancient looking or something. I mean, when I was 24, I guess 38 seemed old. What do you think? I am so sorry for the ramblings, I am just ready to give up but ...I'm not!

[Juliana13]

I am right there with you. If it is any comfort, both of the young women who placed with us were actually looking for aparents who already had two or three children, and they talked to us to make sure we were planning on more...

I am concerned about the age thing, too. I am almost 38, have adopted two children, and now am not-so-patiently awaiting/prayong for our third child. 38 is a fine age to become a mom. But to a teenager or young 20-something, it may seem old, especially when there are SO MANY other beautiful, fun, nice, happy YOUNGER couples who are also waiting to adopt. How will our next child's birthmother find us?? I don't know. I only hope, and have faith that these feelings and promtings to get ready came from the same source that can lead her to us. Maybe we will have to be content with two. But I do't want to. I always wanted 5. But I always thought I could be content with 3. I still think that...

I realize I may be of no help to you, but will be checking back to see what others have to say. It might be interesting to pot this in the birthmother's forum... WE all may think it's a perfectly fine age, but they have better insight into the mind and thinking of a prospective birthmother.

[lonni]

I am not a placing mother, but I would expect the age of 38 to not be a big deal for some.
My parents were 38. I was the 2nd adoption.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I was 38 when our daughters were placed with us - and it didn't seem like an issue for their birthmom (she was 19, so I was technically old enough to be HER mom!).

[blessedbybug]

One question would be... are you indeed waiting for a girl? You stated in your post that now you wanted a girl. If you are being gender specific then the wait is probably longer since you would only be considered in situations where gender was known to be a girl.

If the question is strictly age-related, when DD was born I was almost 36 (DH was turning 50)... DD's first mother was almost 30 at the time of placement. When DS was born I was 38 (DH was 52) and his other mother was 30 when she placed.

It may be a factor that you are already parenting or, it may not. Each mother considering adoption will have her own wishes for the family for her child. When this question comes up from time to time I always relate the fact that our agency told us we might take longer to place because of our ages, our location and our career choices. We were placed both times with a lower than average for our agency wait time and at least the first time around, those three reasons given by the agency ended up being three of the top reason's why DD's other Mom chose us. So you just never know...

I hope it is not much longer... each day is one day closer.

[Adopted-B-4]

Juliana-Thank you so much for writing a reply. It is comforting to know I am not alone in this and I will pray for you as well. I thought seriously about putting that as a question in the birthmother's forum but didn't know if it was appropriate. Maybe I will and just see what they say. Thanks again! Please keep me updated on your situation!

[Adopted-B-4]

Hi Happytwnsmom, (my boys are twins too! which actually may be part of the reason we have only been picked once) but thanks for letting me know that! So, at least she didn't think 38 was too old, right? And it's not! I was just worrying my age might be the issue. Thanks for your reply!

[Linny]

When you feel that your age may be a factor, come visit the 'forty and over' adoption forum here! There are SO many of us who've adopted at a much older age than 38!!!
Dh and I are fifty....we just brought home our baby boy a few months ago. (We've adopted several times.........this is the third baby we've adopted in the last six years.) And, btw, we were also parenting other children when we went back to private adoption six years ago.
I'll agree with the poster about being gender specific. We had to wait longer for another girl---and it was the longest wait of any of the children. (We've adopted eight over the last 26yrs). Our wait for our 'other girl' was around 18months, while the wait for our other babies wasn't over a few months.

Don't give up on your hope for another baby. It will happen. You've done the most important thing by placing this in the Lord's hands. Stay strong.
We had a couple of failed situations happen during these last few yrs too, and they aren't fun. Still, keep in mind that the right baby will come to your arms when the timing is right.
I know that might not give much comfort at this time......but it's so very true.

Most Sincerely,

Linny

[MamaKerry]

I'm 32 and waiting (for almost a year!) for our second adoption. My partner is about to turn 40. It's never occurred to me that any significant number of birthmothers would think that she's too old. I'm the youngest adoptive Mom I know, and I think 38 is still in the "young" category for adoptive parents. Waiting for over two years must be really hard--I can only imagine considering how hard our wait has been--but I wouldn't worry about your age!

[mom2justynsarah]

My question is mainly, do you think that 38 is too old to be chosen by a birthmother? The reason I ask, when we were matched with the birthmother that was due in August, we met her, it was great, but almost as an after thought, we were starting to walk away when she said "You look so young!". That was it. She made the plan for us to come and be at the hospital and everything and then she never called the caseworker when she gave birth and decided to parent her baby. I know it sounds crazy, but I told my husband that day that I felt she must have thought I was going to be ancient looking or something. I mean, when I was 24, I guess 38 seemed old. What do you think? I am so sorry for the ramblings, I am just ready to give up but ...I'm not![/quote]

Hang in there hon! I was 37 when my daughter's bmom chose us (and 38 when she was born). Plus we already had a bio son and Jewish. Our daughter's bmom is six years younger than me and definetly not Jewish. lol.

In all honesty, I think it's such a personal choice for the expectant mom. Fortunately Dee (bmom) was open minded and just wanted a family that would provide tons of love to her unborn child. Plus she liked the fact we had a child already.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by Adopted-B-4

My question is mainly, do you think that 38 is too old to be chosen by a birthmother?

No. It's not. I adopted my last daughter right after my 40th birthday. 40 is young. 38 is REALLY young. You're practically a teenager!

As others have said, your wait will probably be longer just because you are specifying gender. Some birthmothers don't know the sex of the baby when they are being matched with families-which would exclude your profile from being shown to them.

[Shadowfaerie]

When the our son's birthmom placed with us I was 37 and dh was 41, she was 19. She did comment that the people in the other profiles "seemed" so old, but I'll bet we were the same age. As a matter of fact my dh was a year older than her mother. Still, she placed with us so no, I don't think 38 is too old to be chosen by a birthmother... it just depends on who she is looking for.

Best wishes~

[MomOf5Kids]

i am almost 40 and our childrens birth mom is expect is expecting YET another baby (seven that she DOES NOT have) and we have four of the six. If you think you can handle a little one...DO IT!!!!! Good luck to you!!!!

[lilraskels]

No, 38 is not to old. Just remember that in your prayers you want this to be God's plan. You have to put the trust into the Lord. I know I have been there. We have two boys we fostered they were placed with us so we could adopt. We moved to make more money since our family was going to grow. When we moved they did not let the boys cross state lines. I knew God had a plan. I was impatient in trying to figure out this myself. I trusted in him and now I have a letter of intent for them and their sister. See his plan was for their sister. Now that I see that I am okay and just ready for all three of them to come home. It is in God's time not ours.