[Vogi2002]

Please no bashing, and I'm going to say in the beginning here that I completely respect someone else's opinion and/or situation.

Okay I'm going to be completely honest here. I have read some posts about some adoptee's calling thier birthmothers "mom" either after reunion or in an open adoption.

This makes my skin crawl. Not because THEY call THIER birthmom's "mom" but because I don't think I'll EVER be okay with Cooper calling his birthmother Mom. Even if he is grown....it would be too hard for me, and I honestly don't know if I could ever accept it or be completely okay with it.

Of course I have never been one to call my friend's parents "mom" either. My mom is my one and only mom, I don't even call dh's parents mom and dad. "Mom" is such a powerful word to me....

Also, my agency teaches the bmoms to call thier children "birthson" or "birthdaughter" when referring to them with the aparents. I must say, while I have mixed feelings on this issue, it DOES makes me jump everytime I hear his bmom (who hasn't had much education) refer to Cooper as "my son" when talking to me. It's really hard for me. Has anyone else gone through this?

How do you move past it? I honestly don't think I'll ever be comfortable with sharing the title of "mom". Even if he calls other friend's mom's "Mom", now maybe "Mama (last name)". It's not that I dont' accept that he has two "mothers" in his life....I just think the title of MOM or Mama should be reserved for me....

Has anyone else had to deal with this or have any feelings on it?

Again, no disrespect meant....just discussion.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I understand what you're saying. I, too, have strong feelings about mom, mommy and mama. Those are my names. In our situation, the girls refer to their birthmom by her first name - she does the same when talking with them. I truly don't know how she refers to them or herself when talking with other people, but I guess it doesn't matter. She has always validated my role as their mother but referring to me as mommy or mom (and my husband as daddy or dad) and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.

I tend to doubt that, with my daughters referring to her by her first name throughout their childhood, they would suddenly choose to call her "mom" later on. It would be a little like deciding to call a friend or another relative "mom" - just wouldn't fit. And my girls will tell you - in no uncertain terms - who their mom is! LOL!

[bubblest]

I understand completely. I'm going through the same thing right now although my situation is different as it is Fost/Adopt. My daughter was placed with me when she was 9 months old. Before me she was with another foster family since she was two days old. Her birthmom refused to hold her in the hospital or anything. Although she was granted weekly visits, she only showed up for a few visits before DD was 3 months old then one when she was 9 months and one when she was 17 months old (2 mo after TPR, 1 mo before finalization). The last visit she kept saying things like "Mama says listen to Lisa" etc. I KNOW she's her birthmom so I don't discount that she's one of DD's moms, but so am I. My poor DD was so confused. She has only known me as Mama and had no idea who "Lisa" is. A couple times she said Mama to me and it was so awkward. We have an open adoption plan with 2 visits a year so I'm worried about how our next visit will go.

DD's birthmom is a sweet woman who is dev delayed and low IQ so is unable to parent. No drugs or violent behavior etc. I know her intent is not to hurt me, but my reflex reaction is who has really been the mom? Who has been there to comfort DD when she's been sick, work with her on her speech delays, stay up with her on nights when teething pain keeps her awake etc.

Thanks for letting me vent. The few people I mentioned this to have just not understood why a word (Mama) is such a big deal.

[McNally720]

For some reason, at this point, I haven't really given this much thought, nor does it really bother me. At this point.

So far, Meg doesn't really call J anything--she sees her every other month or so, and repeats her name when I say it, but she doesn't know her like she knows other people in her life.

J usually signs cards "mommy J" which doesn't bother me--maybe because it is infrequent.

Once I was on the phone with her and a friend of hers was over--they asked, "who is it" and she said, "It's Megan's mom" "Who's Megan?" "Megan's my daughter, Michelle is her mom." I smiled at that explanation, and felt totally comfortable with that as an answer.

I have no idea if there was a look of confusion on the guy's face or not! J always refers to me as Mom when we're together.

Good topic--I know feelings vary on this far and wide!

[kelceesmom]

I completely understand what you are saying Nat. If I go deep enough inside I would have to admit a small portion is fear. Of what, I would have to say the unknown. I do however believe that I have earned the name of mommy. Unfortunately we don't have contact so I can't say for sure would be going on and how I would deal with it.

That title is yours and no one else's. It won't be taken from you. Your bmom is young, if I remember correctly, so I think you have to chalk some of the naitivity to that. Keep doing what you are doing. Cooper will know who is mom is!

[loveajax]

I refer to DD's birth mom by her first name and plan to continue to do so (I think DD's birth mom prefers that, though I guess we never officially discussed it). I have sort of the opposite situation in that DD's birth mom seems uncomfortable when I say things like "she is your daugter" or "you are her mom too." I don't know. I don't think I would want DD to call her "mom" but I guess that's her choice (I do call MIL "mom" sometimes so I can see not considering someone a "mom" but calling them mom? doh!).

It may also be that you are thinking about this a lot (as I did) because C is so young. DD just calls me "mama" all the time (she is 27 mos) and I know she can only think really of me as "mama."

Btw, my MIL (who is an a mom) kept saying to SIL (who reunited with her birth mom)...."When you met YOUR MOM..." My SIL was always quick to correct her and say, "Mom, YOU are my MOM...." (always made me cry...I know MIL was insecure about the reunion and it really helped that SIL responded that way).

[KristineM]

Yes, she chose to carry the baby for 9 months and she gave birth. However, does giving birth truly make her a mother? What about the times when you held your little one as they were crying, when you were pooped and peed on or thrown up on, what about the feedings every 3 hours during the night, what about holding your child as they woke up from surgery, what about the first day you took your child to daycare, what about the first time you heard your child say "Mommy, I love you", what about the first time you truly knew that you would die for this little person who you love so very much!!! What about all of those moments? Now tell me who is the mom?

[Vogi2002]

Thanks everyone!!

I do think Cooper will know me as his mom...I guess I just don't think I'd ever want him to call anyone else it...does that make sense? Maybe once he gets older it will help...It's just so scary to me to think that he could think of someone else as he does me. I guess that wouldn't always be a BAD thing, but I personally, as selfish as it is, wouldn't WANT it.

I don't even think you "earn" the title of mom...I just think it's mine and noone else's to my son LOL. So I guess there really isn't any rhyme or reason to it...just my personal feelings (which can do that every once in a while...LOL).

It's nice to know I'm not alone...or crazy...or a terrible overbearing mama

[Lilly's Mommy]

Interesting that you post this because I was thinking about this same this while getting ready earlier today! I've read of kids calling both mothers "mom" and was doing some heart investigation as to why it bothered me to think of Lilly calling her birth mom "mom." It's not that I deny the mothering her birth mom did while she carried her, or the mothering she did in choosing a family for her child. To me, "mom" is the one who is the daily parent. I too can't even use the word for my MIL, as much as I know she'd love me to.

I applaud those amoms who are willing to share the title, and I'm glad for the birth moms who get to hear those words. I have to admit though that MY heart isn't generous enough at this point to be willing to share it.

[Leigh131313]

Oh I hear ya loud and clear nat. One of the reasons I'm all for an open adoption (on a selfish level) is because it firmly establishes our roles while I have say in the matter.

M calls his birthmom by her first name. If he does this all his life - I doubt he's going to change to Mom as an adult. Maybe he will - but I doubt it.

I also do not refer to my in laws as mom or dad nor did i call any of my friends parents mom or dad.

I can tell you at this point, M likes his birthmom. I'm thrilled. They have a fun time together. However, they do not have a parentingmother/child relationship so I can honestly say, seeing them together actually reafirms my role of mother...does that make sense?? When he got a bloody nose (after hitting it on her knee) she is not the one who reacted like "the mommy". She was the concerned friend who was sad that it had happened, but that's it.

Does that make sense?

Not to mention I am blessed that m has a very supportive birthfamily when it comes to our role as parents.

[McNally720]

Good example, Leigh--I think you illustrated your point very well with the bloody nose scenario.

In open adoption, we want our kids to know their birth parents, we want them to like them, AND we know we are "the mom" because , well, we are "the mom". (and we have the cheerios caked in the car seat, marker stains on the carpet, and baby Einstein in the DVD player to prove it!)

[loveajax]

Leigh...exactly how I feel...

At our last visit, I really WANTED DD to spend some time alone with her birth mom, to bond, etc. And the whole time, she kept looking at me and going, "MAMA!" I "thought" that I may find this reaffirming (and of course it is in some sense) but it actually just made me feel sort of sad for birth mom....Sometimes I think seeing their birth kids with their "moms" must be so hard for birth moms....I know it is for DD's birth mom, but she says it gives her great comfort to see how well DD is doing (again, she is also very supportive of us and our role as DD's "only" parents...so I know it may be a little different, N).

PS: I just wanted to add my one other totally politically incorrect point (since I like the venting). Nothing gets me more "steamed" than to see birth parents who are in reunion talk about what a crummy job a parents did with their kids. I guess I can understand kids complaining about their a parents and wishing things were different (not that I want that of course). I always feel like saying, I am not raising someone else's child, but my own! (OK, sorry totally OT, but my vent! haha)

[thanksgivingmom]

I have a question that I want to pose in the most non-threatening, non-offending, non-attacking way possible. I promise.

I understand that it irritates some parents when bparents refer to the child as "my son" or "my daughter."

I guess my thing is I don't know what else to say. Bdaughter feels wrong. It makes me want to cry for days. Just typing it makes me want to cry right now (I'm not usually quite this emotional.)

Ex. I have a picture in my office of DD, and I am actually pretty terrified of the first time someone asks who that beautiful little baby is. Instinct says to say "My daughter" and then explain that she has another Mom.

What would you as the parents LIKE to hear? I completely realize that DD is someone elses daughter, but somehow I can't feel like shes less mine....

I'm sorry if anyone finds this offensive. Truly sorry.

[Sniffles]

Nat,

I wanted you to know that my a-mom has and always will be Mom. I respect my b-mom, but I just can not personnally give her the title of "Mom". IMO she wasn't there to earn it and trust me my mom has earned that title many times over.

[Leigh131313]

TGM - To ME, it's not what T says to people she is friends with, aquaintances etc.

It's what she says in our home (around me, around m) that matters. If she were here saying "my son my son my son" That would not go over well.

She has NEVER done that. She does talk about being pregnant with him around us and such - I have no issue with that at all. It's more about the "claiming him and dismissing us" that would bother me.

On the same note - I'd be pretty uncomfortable if I found out that she was telling people (not just the odd stranger that she didn't feel like explaining the story to) that M was her son - as in the son she is parenting. If I started meeting people who thought this - we'd have to have a talk.

I don't think there is anything else you CAN call them. Birthchild works....but I dont see the big deal with a birthmom referring to a child they gave birth to, then placed for adoption as their son/daughter.

THe thing is - as long as there is respect between afamiles and bfamilies, I doubt these things would become an issue for most.