[Vogi2002]

shybear - Oh my husband would freak if his bfather called himself "dad". Especially Daddy...

Which brings me to another point...I think MOMMY is a term I would even be MORE uncomfortable with!!

Brown & TGM - I totally get where you are coming from. You don't EVER have to apologize for having these feelings. I also feel guilty for feeling so selfish thinking I knew what I was "getting in to" so to speak. The thing is we have no choice!! They are just feelings and we all have our days of glory and down days. I think the bottom line is mutual respect. But noone expects you to walk around with the "I'm a birthmother" signs either. Your role is equally important in thier lives!!

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

Please no bashing, and I'm going to say in the beginning here that I completely respect someone else's opinion and/or situation.

Okay I'm going to be completely honest here. I have read some posts about some adoptee's calling thier birthmothers "mom" either after reunion or in an open adoption.

This makes my skin crawl. Not because THEY call THIER birthmom's "mom" but because I don't think I'll EVER be okay with Cooper calling his birthmother Mom. Even if he is grown....it would be too hard for me, and I honestly don't know if I could ever accept it or be completely okay with it.

Of course I have never been one to call my friend's parents "mom" either. My mom is my one and only mom, I don't even call dh's parents mom and dad. "Mom" is such a powerful word to me....

Also, my agency teaches the bmoms to call thier children "birthson" or "birthdaughter" when referring to them with the aparents. I must say, while I have mixed feelings on this issue, it DOES makes me jump everytime I hear his bmom (who hasn't had much education) refer to Cooper as "my son" when talking to me. It's really hard for me. Has anyone else gone through this?

How do you move past it? I honestly don't think I'll ever be comfortable with sharing the title of "mom". Even if he calls other friend's mom's "Mom", now maybe "Mama (last name)". It's not that I dont' accept that he has two "mothers" in his life....I just think the title of MOM or Mama should be reserved for me....

Has anyone else had to deal with this or have any feelings on it?

Again, no disrespect meant....just discussion.

I understand this, and I am a birth mom.

43 years ago I was just a 15 year old girl who became a mommy one day and didn't have a baby the next day. My breast were full and no baby to nurse.

The word, birth mother had not been invented.

This is a new word, invented to but young or older mothers who give up their babies in a box. A box that makes everyone know who and what she is and isn't, to the child she gave up for adoption. Like, being branded.

As the grandmother, step grad, of a child I raised for 4 years while her mommy got her life together. I think of myself as the only grandmother. The bio grand has never taken the time to come see this child. Not once and the child is now 9. I helped deliver this baby, they lived with us for 2 years before mommy moved and runied everyones life with drugs. Then we had the child from age 3 to 7. Then mommy was clean and in college and the children went home to mommy, who is my stepdau.

We are lucky it turned out very well and is still better then we expected.

BUT, as the grandmother who did all this, do I feel the bio grand has any rights? No. But it won't be my call should she contact her daughter and things change.
There would have to be a lot of change, since she kicked out the daughter becasue the bio grand's ex-boyfriend didn't like the dau when she was 15. (step-dau is 37 now)

But I do understand. I finished raising my stepdau, I am grandmother to her children, I stepped in when her mother wouldn't.

Now as a birthmom, I have accepted the term. But I was his mommy, even if it was only 9 plus months and a few days. I was the mom who was never given a chance.
I was the mom who wanted him and loved him, before the adoptive parents knew he even existed. For some of us birthmothers, I think the new parents forget that.

I will never be the mom of record, the mom who raised him, I will never be that mom.

If he wants to call me mom I will love it, I don't expect it. In all honesty, I want it, but I would never ask him for it. It is not my word, no matter how much I loved him before birth, or how much I have always loved him.

I am the other mother, not the mom.

You may be bothered by the thought that his bmom calls herself mom.
But you have no idea how much pain there is in knowing that you will never be mom to your own child.

for some of us, not all, it is never all.

Adoption is the gift of pain that keeps on giving, forever.

No matter how long, no matter how much time passes, no matter if you are reunited and it is good. Some days the pain just comes to the surface and slaps you up side the head.

There is nothing you can do to fix or change anything. You take what is offered, you take what you can get.

You hope for the best.

I trusted that the people who took my baby would do the best for him, love him as I did.

Then to find out, they didn't do any better then I could have done. Older parents are not always better.

sorry, I do understand, I feel as you do about my step-granddaughters.

[loveajax]

Browneyes, do you know one of the reasons that I don't feel comfortable considering modeling for my DD is because it almost feels like i am "exploiting" the birth parents' good looks, kwim? DD doesn't necessarily look like either of them, but man, she really does look like her sisters.

Nat, I hadn't thought about this angle at all, but there may also be a level of "worry" because Cooper is AA? I hadn't really thought about that but I do think adopting transracially (DD is AA/cauc) adds another layer of "can I really be this kid's MOM" insecurity? I think you are more "questioned" than in same-race situations and you want to dig in your heels even further like "HECK YEAH, I'm this kid's mama!"

[ocracoke]

I think I may have a complicated relationship with the word "mom." I called my birth mom "mom" for 5 years. Then I called 2 foster moms "mom" for another 1.5 years. When I was finally placed in my adoptive home at 7 years old my new parents told me I didn't have to call them mom and dad. So I didn't. I called them by their first names. I still call my dad by his first name and I use my mom's first name as much as "mama" for her (didn't start until I was about 25). I refer to my birth parents by either "My Mother" or "My Father" or by their first names. They are both dead so I just refer to them -- not talk to them. So when I became a mom it was strange to have the word "mommy" enter my life. I refer to my daughter's birth parents as "amaye and abaye" (mom and dad in her native language). She calls me mama or mommy. I was surprised when she recently called my "mom." I told her she wasn't old enough for that yet. And the other day when she couldn't get my attention she called out "Tamantha" and boy did that get my attention. They are all words that potentially carry really big meanings to people.

Samantha

[jefallon]

I was recently reunited with my bmom. My situation is unique in that I was not adopted until I was 12 years old. My bmom had four children under the age of 9 (I was the oldest, the youngest were boys - 8,5,9 mos. we were full blooded siblings). She had the strength to put us in protective custody before she left. I remember her care. I remember her hugs. I remember her tears. I remember her love. I have known in my heart that she did what she thought was best for her children. She was my mom for the first 9 years of my life. I was in five different homes (foster and family) before I was placed for adoption. In my 37 years of life I have been blessed with SEVEN women all of whom I was privileged to call "mom" and who were grateful for the endearment. Sadly, there are many waiting children who will most likely never have the blessing of ONE they would call "mom". I don't think it's a title to be earned or taken. I think it's a term of endearment. If an adopted child/adult chooses to refer to someone as "mom" the recipient should be honored and grateful and all others should not be intimidated, jealous, threatened, or otherwise for thinking they deserve it more. Most adoptees are never given a "choice" regarding much of their life changing adoption situation. And when they are, 9 times out of 10, they are resented and guilted if they make a choice that others do not agree with.

[dpen6]

I have heard of a situation of an open adoption where the aparents are mom and dad and the birthparents are "Bema and beda", the child started it I beleive.

i really like it because it does respect everyone, gives everyone there special place...both mothers are mothers and can never be denied, it really is a fact no matter who is trying to minimize one or the other.

Like Brenda said the kids understand the differnt roles and if both mothers can respect each others place it only bolsters the child. Thechild is a child of two mothers.....fact.

[InBlindFaith]

Right now if DD called me "Mom" I would probably panic. Her Mom is the woman who woke up for feedings in the middle of the night, she kissed boo-boos, bandaged scraped knees, she nursed her when she was sick. She was there (probably with tears) on DD's 1st day of kindergarten and I'm sure she was shedding tears when DD was heading off to college.

When I heard (19 years ago) how the Mom reacted when she heard she was going to be a Mother I cried. I didn't cry because I was jealous or I was hurting, I cried because DD was going to a couple who wanted nothing more than to be called "Mommy and Daddy" and I knew they had hearts filled with love for DD before they ever held her.

I honestly don't know if I will ever be comfortable with DD calling me Mom. If the day ever comes where I get to meet her I don't expect to be called anything else besides Roni.

Nat - you are Cooper's Mom, don't ever forget that and don't let anyone take that away from you.((((HUGS))))

[Emster]

Personally, right now, it doens't bother me in the least thinking about it. When we refer to N. in Woobie's presence, we call her "Mama N." We haven't really asked her how she feels about this or how she'd like to be referred to, but hope to bring this up with her soon. I want him to understand she was the one who brought him into this world. She really is his mother and I'm okay with that, and I don't feel like it takes away from my being his Mommy. And though I've never heard her say it, I am fine with her referring to him as her son. He IS her son, and he is my son as well. She has never been disrespectful about any of our roles and I think that's where I might have a problem. Such as if she were to try to discount my worth as a parent or my role in Woobie's life.

You have to do what you think best for your family and eventually, Cooper will decide what he wants to call her, and your job will be to respect that, obviously--At that point, it becomes his story to tell and his choice in how he refers to the players in that story.

thanks for sharing and starting this discussion!

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by InBlindFaith

Nat - you are Cooper's Mom, don't ever forget that and don't let anyone take that away from you.((((HUGS))))

I agree with Roni on this Nat. You ARE Coopers mom, nobody can tell you otherwise.
I am called L by Supergirl. I heard her say this at our last visit and my heart sang to hear her say my name, I almost started to cry because I had never heard her say my name before. I am not mom, I will never be mom to Supergirl. L is her mom and she gets that title to wear with great pride. I get to wear my name with great pride as well. If that makes any sense.

[lonni]

Wow, jfallon~I am amazed at your story. That must be very painful also to lose your family at that age.

[kakuehl]

Darn... I just lost my post!

Nat, I hear what you are saying and I don't think it has anything to do with C's being AA. (I love it when some people insist that my grandson (son J's son) is Hispanic... he's quite a genetic combination but no hispanic heritage in the mix!) Children do NOT have to be adopted to appear to be a diffenent race from their mothers (see my avatar!)

As a birthmom, I walk a fine line. D doesn't call me Mom, nor do I expect him to do so. I chose adoption for him because I believed it was best for him. Why would I want to undermine that!? I do not want to replace S as his mom; I do love having a place in his life. It's an interesting journey: getting to know my firstborn as an adult. There is a sense that he is my son but I am not his mother (Does that make sense?). He does not need (or want) two mothers! We do share a deep connection that truly has surprised me. He doesn't talk about his feelings (and I try not to be too gushy!!!) but he has clearly involved my and my family in his life and I love that.

I think the 2 years since our reunion began have helped to reassure S that D is not ever going to replace her as his mom. (And also that I don't want that.) I'm actually enjoying having a relationship with D that is not handicapped by being the mother who raised him (the baggage from the past is different...).

I think for me the first few years were the most difficult... It could be that had I been in an open adoption I would have had difficulty not referring to myself as D's "mom". I'll never know that, of course. One of the difficulties with adoption is that there is LOTS of pain to go around! Signing the relinquishment papers does not break the underlying connection between a woman and the child she gave birth to. The challenge is learning to live with/manage that connection.

I don't know if I'm making any sense and I can only speak for myself. I can only say that for me, S is D's mom (and that's how I want it to be even though it can be/has been difficult for me to live with at times.)

You are his mom, no matter what the bfamily says, feels etc.