[thanksgivingmom]

Thanks Leigh, that makes sense

[jaenelle]

I am Yuna's Mom. No one else is. Period.

Yuna has a Mom and a birthmom, and I certainly hope everyone knows which is which. While I obviously don't deny the importance of Yuna's birthmom in bringing her into the world and making the choice to place her for adoption, the fact is that Yuna's birthmom has made the choice to stay out of our lives, even knowing we would welcome that contact. I don't know her reasons for this decision. I only know she is missing out on knowing the greatest little girl because of it.

[Emberbit]

I'm not sure I should post this...

Kids know who does "mommy stuff" but sometimes they are uncontrolable...

When my daughter first started to talk, it surprised me when she called me “mommy.” I’m not sure why, only that I wasn’t used to it. And I had to train her early to refer to me by my first name if we were in a group because I didn’t always remember to think of myself as “mom.” Strange given that I did the day to day raising of her and such…but I was pretty young and had the role thrust on me unexpectedly. She still will call me mom when we’re alone or by my first name in a group that includes other kids and moms…because if she says mom 6 other moms respond and hers (me) is usually the slowest.

We had decided on titles for her many grandmothers (my mom, step-mom, and my 2 grandmas, her dad’s mom, step-mom and 1 grandma) and she used them until fairly recently but now…instead of “Grandma Marcy” or Nana Dorothy” (Nana being a great-grandma) she calls them all collectively “Mama first name” and for someone who took 3 years to get used to the idea that there was a mini-me calling me “mom” it hurts to have 7 other women granted the “mom” title…and I am the only mom to her both biologically and socially…

I can only imagine what it’s like for you…but sometimes it’s something kids do…and I don’t know how you would prevent it…if the kid decided on it. I certainly wouldn’t encourage it…I wouldn’t’ want to be given a “mom” title by a child I had placed. To me, it seems like digging the knife in a little deeper…though I haven’t been there so I wouldn’t know for sure…

[bromanchik]

My son grew up calling me Brenda, but he will, at times, refer to me as one of his moms. You know, the bottom line is that the role of his adoptive mother and the role I have in his life are two entirely different things. He knows who his parents are, he does not look to me as a parent.

[lonni]

Nat, This is a great topic!!You talk about your own feelings without insisting your son pretend his birthmom is less important.
REally, does anyone grow up thinking I sure hope I get to to share the role/title of Mommy with another woman I meet?
I would think naturalmoms and stepmom situations can relate too.

[billysmommy]

thanksgivingmom......

When my children's first mom is not in our company, I know that she refers to her placed children as her son/daughter. They are, in fact, her son and daughter.

When we are together, we both call them "our" son/daughter. Because, they are in fact, "our" children.

At our very first visit, we took the kids - one parented, one placed( our daughter was not yet born) to have a portrait done together. The photographer asked who was mom and we both answered with "both of us". I think honestly, that we were each replying for ourselves - because both kids were there. But after that, it just came naturally to say "ours".

[Shoshana]

I've been in reunion with my first mother for more than half my life -- my parents and my bio family have all met and socialized over the years.

A couple of years ago, I was shopping with Ginny (first mom) and my mom (Joanne). We became separated. I heard over the loud speaker, "Will Ginny and Joanne's daughter please come to customer service?"

I'm exceedingly grateful that my mom recognizes that sharing the term "daughter" or "mother" in no way diminishes or enhances the their roles/meanings in real life. In my opinion, it's not necessary to assert that the one who kisses booboos is the only one entitled to be called "mother." It's patently obvious to both the adoptee, and the greater society who is the "mom." I think it's vitally important for adoptive parents to do their absolute best to understand and accept this -- it takes a lot of pressure off of the adoptee, and removes (not adds to) the confusion about who is who in one's life. An adoptee shouldn't have to worry about whether or not her adoptive mom will feel hurt or uncomfortable if her first mother refers to her as "daughter" or to herself as "mom." I'm not trying to say that my adoptive mom arrived at this place of comfort over night, it did take a long time, years even. But once it happened, I can't begin to express how proud I was of her, and how relieved I felt.

edited to add: I really hope this doesn't sound totally insensitive to adoptive moms. I do understand that this topic can make one very uncomfortable -- even though as a society we have no problem with having multiple grandparents, or multiple aunts, etc. I've been thinking about and dealing with this and similar issues for my entire life -- yes, an added burden to growing up and forming my own identity. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, with the deepest conviction in my heart, that you cannot erase history. Children are brighter than we oftentimes give them credit for. The adoptee will know - nothing in the world can erase the fact that she is an adoptee, and that she has two mothers. She will know, because it is her reality, that these two women, regardless of the names she uses, are in very different roles in her life. I guess I want to say that if the child must come to terms with this in order to understand adoption and her very self, then the adoptive parents should strive to understand as well. Maybe this entire topic -- who is mom, who kisses boo-boos, is the adoptive mother's equivalent of the adoptee's coming to terms with being adopted.

[loveajax]

I think sometimes people view adoptive parents as the "winners" in this kind of adoption "game." But a parents have their own insecurities, struggles, etc. (For me, it comes from struggling with infertility and pg loss, etc. for years). I was thinking about the fact I would want no other child except for my DD...I love her with this burning passion...but I do wish sometimes that I had birthed her, kwim? Of course, that's silly, but I think as you say Shoshana a parents have to come to some "peace" that there are other "moms" and "dads" in their kids' lives. It's really hard.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by Shoshana

I think it's vitally important for adoptive parents to do their absolute best to understand and accept this -- it takes a lot of pressure off of the adoptee, and removes (not adds to) the confusion about who is who in one's life. An adoptee shouldn't have to worry about whether or not her adoptive mom will feel hurt or uncomfortable if her first mother refers to her as "daughter" or to herself as "mom."

First off thanks for sharing your opinion and experience!!

I'm not sure where these feelings are coming from...I do know that i have had them from the beginning, so it's not just the circumstances surrounding our adoption right now. I don't know if I will be ever comfortable with Cooper calling his birth mother "Mom". Will I have to accept it? Maybe, and maybe one day I will and can accept it or hear it without it gutting me to the core.

You see, the pain that hearing him call someone else "mom" isn't because I believe I am more or less important in my son's life than his birthmother. I believe the roles we have are seperate from each other. I don't even believe the title of "mom" is earned neccessarily....

I guess the really ugly ugly truth is that I don't want him to love me any more or less than his birthmother, I just want him to love me as his MOM (and I do believe he will). I just want him to come to me if he ever needs anything. I want to be the one that he can count on and talk to if something is wrong. I want to be the one he wants to tell first when he gets engaged...or accepted into a school...or finds a new friend in Kindergarten. Basically the role that a "mom" plays even versus a grandma (which btw I wouldn't want him calling his grandma's "mom" either). "Birthmother" is equally important....but in a whole other way. KWIM?

TGM - I agree with Leigh...it's more so what she says in our home...in front of Cooper....it's about respect. I don't expect her to go around town saying "birth son" (which I do find an add phrase) but I do expect to be acknowledged and respected. I guess it would be like me not acknowledging the adoption. I am not going to wear a banner that says "ADOPTIVE MOTHER" but I'm not going to hide it either. If his bparents come to our house we have a picture up of all of us....he knows he is adopted, he will know who they are. Does that make sense? I think Leigh said it better in less words LOL. This is why I have mixed feelings about it...I don't think the term should be taken away completely...just used respectfully (and vice versa...I tend to call Cooper by name and not "my boy, my son, momma's boy" when I'm around his bmom...not that I don't at all...i just don't try to flaunt it in her face and am aware this term my hurt).

Thank you everyone for your support!! It's nice sometimes to just be totally honest about a subject and find that there are people that share these feelings. It's also nice to hear that some of you have been through this and made it through. This has been something I have been thinking about for a while and I am loving how this conversation has just been respectful and honest.

Sometimes we just need to be honest, as a bparent, aparent, adoptee, or just plain being a WOMAN!

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by loveajax

I think sometimes people view adoptive parents as the "winners" in this kind of adoption "game." But a parents have their own insecurities, struggles, etc. (For me, it comes from struggling with infertility and pg loss, etc. for years). I was thinking about the fact I would want no other child except for my DD...I love her with this burning passion...but I do wish sometimes that I had birthed her, kwim? Of course, that's silly, but I think as you say Shoshana a parents have to come to some "peace" that there are other "moms" and "dads" in their kids' lives. It's really hard.

I totally agree with this!! It's funny because before we were placed with Cooper I SO thought I had come to terms with this. But then the child comes...and it's not just some child in a book..it's YOUR child...and the feelings come...then the fear...then the "momma bear instinct"...then finally your mind and all that research come back to you and you realize WHAT you are feeling and are somewhat prepared to deal with it.

It's just refreshing sometimes to just scream our "I DON'T WANT to share". But then you realize the beauty of it again and how silly you were being and find peace What's funny is I'm sure bparents feel the same way at times!!

[loveajax]

Nat, I was "obsessing" one day about DD's wedding. I wanted to be the ONE dressing her in her gown, etc. (I mean it's insane....she's 2!!!).

Since DH is adopted, I know sort of first hand the "guilt" that many adoptees (at least of the closed generation) feel when they want to learn more about their birth families. DH is such a mama's boy and soooo "loyal" to his family and I worry that it is preventing him from reaching out to his birth mom (which could be a huge can of worms, but who knows?). I think adoptees sometimes feel like that a parents "deserve" to be the only ones in their lives, and I don't want DD to struggle with this. (by the time, she's 3, I'll have it all figured out! haha).

[browneyes0707]

Nat:

We b-moms sure do feel that way at times!!!! There are times where I have gone into pure selfish mode, and then had to step back and go "silly, this is what you CHOSE to happen for a good reason! This is what you wanted!" And in my situation, it really has worked out beautifully in regards to what a wonderful life my DD has had, and how her a-parents are truly wonderful people. In reality, there is little reason for me not to feel blessed by it all and I know that but of course, I'll whine anyway, LOL!!!

I don't use qualifiers outside of here. If I am talking about my DD to my friends, I call her "DD's mom", because that's what she is. I wrote my DD a letter last year, and in that letter and in her journal, I always call a-mom "your mom". I don't know, I know I'm her mom "too", but I just don't feel right having her call me Mom. It's not that I don't feel that I deserve it or I'm worthy of it, I certainly have motherly feelings for her, wanting her to do well and doing whatever I could ever do to keep her safe and protected, I'd give my life for her in a heartbeat. And I've acted that way since the day I knew she existed. But on the flip side I didn't parent her and I think the same way, that there is only one MOM. It's not me, and I'm OK with that because I made that choice. I know that's not a popular birthparent standpoint, but that's how I feel.

Now if down the line she wants to call me Mom, well, I'm not going to tell her no of that's what makes her truly comfortable, but that would be a decision she would have to come to as an adult on her own, KWIM? But I would encourage her to be respectful of her mother's feelings about that.

[thanksgivingmom]

I'm with you Brown! In letters and in life I always refer to D and A's Mom, not amom or anything but Mom. (okay, lets be honest, I don't talk about it in life really because as most of you know, no one in my life knows, but you know what I mean! At least to the social worker )

It can be so confusing sometimes to try to balance the selfish feelings with the confidence I have in the choice I made. Like I don't deserve to have the jealous feelings because I only have them because of a choice I made. Does this make sense?

And it makes me so mad sometimes that others want to say I can't have my angry feelings because at the end of the day, it's my fault I have them.

Honestly, I am so worried about how I would react if/when I hear DD's Mom say "My daughter this..." or "My daughter that..." in front of me. I know she has every right in the world to do it, but I know I might not be able to handle my emotional reaction, and I wish i could...