[KimberlyKat]

Ok, bear with me here. This is going to be kind of long, but I really need some advice from someone who knows what is what.

I adopted a daughter from foster care in June 2007. She was with me from Oct 2005. LONG process. Dad had custody. Grandma came on all visits. Bio-Mom MIA. Not seen my daughter Savannah since she was 4. Bio-mom has 12 other live kids and 1 deceased. She has lost all of them to foster care and then to adoption or to the Dads.

So the TPR for Mom went with out a hitch. It was final in Oct 2006. Dad went after. His was also Oct 2006. He asked that his Mom (Grandma) be left out of the custody issue as she was filing to get custody. Grrrr So they allowed it. So Dad gets TPR and of course files an appeal. He loses that and files another to the supreme court. He loses that too. He basically did nothing he was supposed to do court ordered. He didn't agree with their assesments of him. LOL UH Right. So DID NOTHING. They upheld in both courts. That was Dec.

Then comes Grandma...she had a home study but failed due to the small place. So she moved to a house that was bigger, only she never actually moved in there. So she failed again. Then JUST before the custody hearing between her and I she got it approved. Savannah was in foster care for over 2 years and NOW she wants her. Why did it take so long etc etc. Anyway....there were questions as to how much acess Grandma would allow with Dad and they were totally emeshed from years of reliance on each other. She sat in there and lied.....said Savannah always smelled and her hair was gross. LMAO Funny thing was her one therapist that was with her from the beginning still going with Dad, said she changed. She was clean and dressed so nicely. Happy. Observed the rules. Total opposite of what Grandma said. LOL She did it to herself. So anyway. Shorten this to say she is bonded totally to me. Was calling me Mom from May 2006 after asking if she could. Decided she wanted to stay with me forever not to soon after.

Dad can't see Savannah, but Grandma did. I was upset cause they would tell her things like if you pick Kim you will never see us again. Dad had 2 other kids he had no idea where they were and he "found them" That truth is they kids found him. They wanted to know about Savannah. He lied to them and told them she was with her MOm and her Mom travelled for business. That did it for her older sibling Tom. He now wants nothing to do with Dad ever again. Savannah he adores. Allie is her sister and she was very upset that Dad lied.

So....since the adoption we have become very close to Savannahs other siblings. Tom is 21 and Allie is 16. They are wonderful and Allies' family has embraced us as one of their own. Her Grandma and Grandpa are that to Savannah too. She loves them all and I am very happy with that side of the open adoption.

Now, here is my problem. Dad is a weird guy. He just gives me one of those vibes. Just "off" He is an alcoholic and has some major mental issues that he needs to adress. But I agreed to let him see Savannah on the understanding that I was the boss of them and it would stay civil or we would bolt. I am not really scared of him, but I am scared of what he might do. I am a single Mom. His Mom ....Grandma comes on most visits we have had and I told Savannah we would see them.

We saw them about every other weekend this summer. Since adoption finialzation. We did a picnic. Went to a small zoo. Went bowling. Had fun stuff. I told them that once summer was over it would be less. They got pretty upset.

My friends say stop the visits and let them go to once or twice a year. I agree they are not going to be every other weekend. BUT what is too much. What isn't?

The one friends husband works with kids from foster homes in group homes. He says he thinks they are trying to establish a consistant visit schedual so that Grandma can go to court and try to get visitation. When I won in court, they said that they hoped I would continue to allow Savannah to see Grandma as she does love her. I have and she does. It is up to my sweet girl. What she wants. If she ever says no......them be ****ed its done.
But, I think it has been qute a much this summer and told them now with school we will make time to try and see you around Christmas and Grandma hung up on me. Can she do this if the adoption is finalized? The court agreed 100% Savannah is much much better off with me. What happens though if grandma does complain in court Will they grant her visitation rights? At the end they had changed to supervised only when in the beginning of the case they were alone. Things happened that made them rethink that and they became supervised only. They had some real issues with Grandmas behavior and things. So now I am worried sick. Can she disrupt this adoption? I am allowing them access. But the minute I don't allow it when they think they should get it.....they get upset. The court said allow access to grandma....what does that mean. A few times a year or everyother weekend? Am I wrong in doing this?

I should say that Savannah is very happy and very settled. She knows she is safe with me. I go on the visits and she is never alone with them nor do we go anywhere but in public. She has no desire ever to go back. She has said she misses them, but she is happy here. She is settled and I AM Mom now.

So......any suggestions and comments????



AD Savannah Adoption final June 5th 2007

[nikkianni]

I'm not sure how foster adopt works exactly as we didn't go that route. But my understanding is that once and adoption is finalized, it's just that: Final. Was Grandma's visitation with your daughter mandated by the court or just something the judge suggested? If it was a suggestion, then you can take it or leave it. If it was a mandate, there should be something in the court documents that states how many times a month, year, etc. Grandma should see your daughter.
I find it hard to believe they can put such a mandate in place though. The whole concept of adoption is that your daughter is now YOUR daughter. In the eyes of the courts, government, etc. she is no longer a part of their family, she's a part of yours.
Again, I'm not familiar with foster adopt so I can't be sure of anything. Maybe you should talk to your former case worker or someone at the court. Heck, even do one of those free consultations with an attorney.

[MrsD]

We were told that when parental rights are terminated, it terminates all legal ties for ALL biological family members. So "Grandma" may be called that, but she is not a relative in the eyes of the law. So, I can't imagine she'd have any chance at custody.

Good luck!!!