[ecs5298]

Hi All,

I had left a thread before under general adoption that was chaotic. The birth mom and dad don't want to see our daughter. They say a whole lot of things according to the other relatives...some lies and some truths. They are a hard read. The birth-mom's sister in law has two kids my daughters age but screwed us over by some of her high school antics making bad/horrible comments about birthmom. Mostly not in front of my daughter.
We have since dissolved any communication with this aunt who has some deep problems/issues/jealousies toward our daughter and birthmom.

Having dealt with this family I don't know what to think. I refuse to visit with them but my husband still does with my daughter. They visit in our home. I feel like my privacy is invaded. I really dislike them. I think the only one in the birth family who cares is the biological mom's dad and her step mother. They are the only ones that visit. They are nice and seem to love her and she loves them (she's two). I have so many mixed emotions. I feel like I play second fiddle to them with what my husband thinks. I feel like my opinion has no value. I feel like everyone is going to do what they want to do and that I have no credibility as her mother. I know it's the right thing having some communication with them and my husband said it's only going to be q 4 months for now until I feel better about it all. I know he's probably doing what is right but I feel like garbage about this relationship we have with them.

Anyway is it normal to feel so chaotic about your birth family and have other people been so protective. Me and my husband have gotton no breather with the issues with this family. It has affected our marriage. How do other people not let that happen.???

Thanks, Ecs5298

[cathi1992]

It sounds like you have quite a saga going on. Have you talked toy your adoption councelor concerning this? They have had so much experience that they may have some good ideas for you. As I read your note my heart went out to you because it sounds like you are struggling with your sense of entitlement to parent this little one. I struggled more with seeing our son's birth family when he was younger because I felt challenged by them. They were chaotic, unpredictable, unreliable people and I never felt emotionally safe around them. Over the years it has gotten much better,they are the same but I have changed. Our son is four now and we had a great day with his firth family this week. I had no issues telling birth mom not to say bad things about birth dad, standing firm with discipline and medical decision that we have made, and telling my son "No, In our family we don't do that." I don't want to sound mean when I say all that, but I deal with those situations in the same way I would if my brother or mom were to counter me and my parenting. I am his mom.

Over the years we have slowly progressed to this spot. I never considered having them to my home because it would not be comfortable. Can you find a compromise and meet the family places like resteraunts, parks or even their home? I does not sound like they (or your husband) are respecting your feelings at this point. I would not withdraw from the visits but maybe become more involved in planning them so you have some control in the situation. It is really important to set up boundaries for your own family. We have caller ID and there are nights that I do not answer their calls because I just don't want to chat. (I figure I screen my own mothers calls, I can screen theirs too!) You and your husband need to be on the same page about their involvment in your family. I agree that ongoing contact is a precious gift we can give our children, but not at the cost of happily married parents. Maybe you and hubby can meet with the agency or a family psychologist to have them help you work out what you would both be comfortable with and then as a united front you can institute it with the birth family.

Do some research on entitlement and talk to your agency about some guidance and support. Growing your family should be a joy, talk to hubby and let him know how you feel.

Good Luck,
Cathi