[redbonec]

Lately I have been feeling sad about missing our daughter's birth. Our K is 9 months old now, we took her home from the hospital.

Being present at the birth was not something I had expected, but then our daughter's birthmother said she wanted us there. Well, when K was born it had to be an unexpected c-section and we couldn't get there in time. We got to the hospital 2 hours after she was born. It really didn't bother me until recently.

I don't think I would be sad about this if we had never planned on being at the birth, but now I find myself thinking how we were supposed to be there, but missed it.

Now when I hear of someone telling of the birth of their child, or how they witnessed the birth of a family member, I feel sad about missing K's.

Does anyone else feel this way at times?

[mom2GRLC]

I miss so much of my childrens lives that I wasn't able to be there for or experience myself. I think it's normal to feel that loss. If it wasn't feeling the loss of not being there for the birth(which you were invited to), you'd probably be feeling the loss of not feeling her grow in your tummy.

[loveajax]

Redbone, I was present at my DD's birth and cherished it. I can say, however, that it was EXTREMELY hard and emotional. The reality is is that it is often quite difficult for a parents to be present at the birth (either because they are not "invited" to, or as what happened in your case).

If you struggled with infertility (as I did), I know there is something that you may think would be "healing" about being present at the birth, but for me, frankly, there was not.

Sorry you are feeling sad about this.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I'm sorry you're feeling sad about this and I can certainly understand why you feel that way. On the other hand, I can honestly say I've never felt particularly sad about missing the birth of my daughters. We knew b-mom didn't want to have us in the delivery room anyway and I've witnessed many births in my life (including two c-sections and a stillbirth).

I figure I'm blessed 'cuz I get to have all the other "moments" in their lives!

Hugs to you!

[Lilly's Mommy]

There have been a few "seasons" when I've felt extremely sad over not having been present when my DD took her first breath. That is something that would have meant a great deal to me, but Lilly's birthmom just wasn't comfortable with it. Of course I respect that, and I have to view it as just one of those losses of adoption. I remind mystelf as the last poster said, that I get to share in so much more.

[Linny]

Please don't be offended at my response, okay?
We've adopted five infants. Two were 7.5months old when they came; one was just under a month old; one was six days; and one was about one day when we went to the hospital.

Two are now grown; two are still little, and one is still an infant.

I'm going to assume this is your first baby? Let me assure you, nine months and coming into this world, won't compare to the vast amount of time and love you'll know for the rest of your life with this baby--who'll become a youngster, who'll become a teen; who'll become an adult. You'll get to see and have it all with this child and though you won't share genetics, the only thing that will NOT be affected by you----will be blood.

I've been involved with the birth of a child. I've also watched a birthparent, who never wanted that child, make ugly comments about the baby after birth...and I wish sometimes, I'd never heard them.

I'm NOT saying this is how the birthparent to your child would have been (or was)......but I guess I'm saying that you are the momma. It is 'you' this child will identify with; will come to see the world through your eyes.

There are soo many TV shows depicting what 'being in the delivery room can be like'....and a lot of it isn't what really is or could happen.

I respect any birthparent who decides not to have the prospective couple in the delivery room, simply because I think it's such an intense time, it's so very private, KWIM? (No offense to those who've done it differently.)

But, enjoy the baby. Be the momma you're being already. There's so much to do and say and be.......those moments of 'birthing' are such a small part in the course of a lifetime, believe me.

Most Sincerely,

Linny

[jaenelle]

No. But to me, it was well worth it to already have TPR signed and everything than to risk having a failed adoption. I missed the first 4 days of my daughter's life, sure, but I could start attaching to her right away when we picked her up, and know that no one could take her back.That was way more important to me.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

The times that I miss it are when I am in a room with other women and they are talking about the "delivery room". It is like not being welcome in some secret society because you don't fit in. I hate listening to women complain about how horrible their pregnancies were and all the PPD. I wish there was as much attention given to the depression of infertility...which I feel can weigh heavier on a woman than PPD in many aspects.

It hurts my heart to feel so excluded...but on the flip side, I think I have a better appreciation for my children and what blessings they truley are.

[mom2GRLC]

Seeing a birth happen doesn't quench the desire to have experienced it for yourself. In some ways it makes it more real what you have missed out on.

A friend of mine asked me to be her labour coach since she wasn't sure if her husbadn was going to be home in time for the birth or not. I told her I'd love to be there but honestly i couldn't be the ONLY one to get her throguh as I wasn't sure if I could handle it (after 6+ years of infertility).

Well thanksfully she had a couple others come as well....so I ended up being more of a photographer. It was the most amazing experience. But to be honest it left me with so much loss afterwards to deal with.

I was so glad I went, it may be the only birth I ever witness or am apart of. In the ned I'm glad i was their.

I could not even imagine how difficult it would have been to see our childs birthmother being the one giving birth and all the emotions that would have surrounded it.

Again, the idea is wonderful...but the reality is much different. I'm sure if i were given the same opportunity I would have taken it and cherished it forever. But it would have been very difficult.

[kelceesmom]

You know I thought I would be sad at times but I haven't been. We were invited to our daughters birth, got the call at 4am, left our house by 6am but still missed her birth. Our bmom got and epideral at 6am, gave one push and she was born at 6:07am. We had a 5 hour drive on top of it.

It would have been a wonderful experience but I truely believe that I still have the greatest gift and the rest of her life to enjoy having with our family.

[redbonec]

Thanks everyone. I have read everyone's replies and thinking about them. The more I think, I think sometimes I feel guilty we weren't there in time, because we couldn't make it in time.
To those who have witnessed births--I have not, and our SW was even trying to prepare me some beforehand!

I know I do get to share in everything else in her life, and firsthand. And really, I do love to hear the story of her birth from her birthmom and her mom--(how when they took her by c-section K just opened her eyes and looked around everywhere!). And, her birthmom gave us the sonogram pictures which I love to look at too.
My friend just delivered a boy last week, my SIL is due soon, so I think it just triggered thoughts I hadn't had time to think about until now.

Linny, I laughed when I read you didn't want me to be offended--I always learn a lot from your posts!

Everyone, yes, I see it would have been a very different experience if we had been there. And, now that I think about it, the way I remember it, everything was wonderful the way it happened!

Thanks to all,
Michelle

[CoryEllen]

If the birth was a c-section, the hospital probably wouldn't have let you in anyway. We were not even allowed a video camera in my c-section, so I didn't even get to watch what happened after I woke up! I also missed my son's first steps because he took them at a babysitter's while I was at a party. So even those of us who are bio-moms miss things too. Dwell on the positives!

CoryEllen
Bio and adoptive mama

[mom2justynsarah]

Our daughter's birthmom was also supposed to have a scheduled c-section at the end of December (04). But she went into active labor 2 weeks earlier.

We live in S. Florida. She lives in California. She called us at 8pm pacific (11pm eastern) to let us know she was going to the hospital to give birth.

Needless to say, we missed the actual birth by about 12 hours. But to tell you the truth. I am glad we missed it. From what I heard afterwards, it was a very painful & LOUD SCREAMING delivery.

My daughter was Dee's (bmom) fourth child. So from the time she called me and went to the hospital, she was already 7 centimeters dialated. She was not able to receive an epidural. Her screams were heard throughout the hospital.

I think if I was there to witness this, it would have totally FREAKED me out. Besides, I was able to see my beautiful daughter for the first time all pink and clean. She was wrapped up in her little blankie and looked so angelic.

[NJNative]

I have never minded missing my son's actual birth, but I certainly wish I had been there for the first 10 months of his life. (In fact, I don't even know his birth weight.) Then I could have spared him the trauma he went through before his adoption.

But I do relish the firsts I did have -- his first "word" which was "uh-oh" the first time he called me "Mimi" for mommy, his first steps in the park, his first birthday (where he smeared blue frosted cake everywhere), his first day of preschool,teaching him to ride a two-wheeler. I could go on all day, right up to this year, where he got behind the wheel of a car for the first time!

Enjoy the moment and try not to regret what you can never have. They grow up SO fast -- my baby is clsoing in on the 6 ft mark now and finishing up his sophmore year of high school. He'll be gone before I know it.

Robin (John's mom)

[redbonec]

True, deliveries can be so hard. I really don't think I would have been prepared.
And there are so many numerous firsts we have, of course. NJ--wow, a sophomore!