[Lilly's Mommy]

I think I spend way too much time fearing that my DD is going to grow up disliking me. I believe a lot of this is adoption related, because there was another mother she could have had.

I know it's normal for kids to wish for other parents at some point, adopted or not. I also don't parent from the standpoint that my goal is to be my child's "friend." I'm the mom, and am willing to take the flack for that.

This is something different. She's definitely a daddy's girl, which is awesome. I'm afraid she just won't love me, which sounds pathetic.

Has anyone else delt with this?

[loveajax]

LM, I had a moment this morning where I envisioned DD saying to me, "I want to live with my REAL mom." (She is 22 mos btw, so couldn't even BEGIN to say something like that).

I actually thought of how I would handle that and decided I would try not to make it an "adoption" related thing. I had many battles with my (bio) mom and I expect the same.

It IS not easy living with the reality that someone else is also a mom to your child. But at the end of the day, I think it is unhealthy not to recognize that you are the mom, the parent, etc. In my mind, there has never been a "competition," just a realization that my DD came to me by a "different" route...Don't beat yourself up about insecurities...I think most moms have them!

[mom2GRLC]

I've struggled with this as well. But those feelings never came until I entered into an open adoption.Once I did those fears became much more real. There WAS another mother and I was allowing her to be a part of my daughters life and my life.

It took a LONG time for me to gain confidence in myself as my childs mother and what my role was in my daughters life if her birthmother was still actively a part of her life as well.

Sometimes i wondered if she would be happier if she was growing up with her and the rest of her birthfamily, rather than our family. Or if someday she was going to reject me and want to go live with her.

Then I began to understand that it was GODS WILL that she come to our home and remain here. When I looked at it from his perspecitve things became more clear. She was meant to stay with us. So I had to finally come to terms with the fact that while I would NEVER be the mother who held her in my womb, I never gave birth to her, I never shared in those first 14 months of her life. But that didn't mean that I was less of a mother to her now. I could feel like her WHOLE mother because the role of mother that God gave me in her life is 100% everythign I can offer her.

I'll never take the place of her birthmother in her life that's a fact. She will always need her and because of her choices she has lost out on so much that she can never get back. But regardless she will ALWAYS be the woman who gave her life and my daughter will always need her and feel connected to her.

I think parenting in general is a big leap of faith. think of all the children (not related to adoption) that hate their parents or reject them at some point in their lives. It's just that when there IS another mother out there to OUR child we do feel worried that maybe our child would reject us for someone else...and that someone else is someone who does have a strong connection to them and who would have been their parent had circumstances been different.

how do you get over those fears. Realize your own worth and all you CAN offer to your child, not the stuff you can't. Parent them the best way you know how and always let them know how much they are loved and wanted, and then just trust in God above that those things will always allow your child to know that you were always a mother to him/her.

Also realize that your child having interest or a relationship in their birthmother does NOT take away from the love they have for you as their mother. It's not one or the other. Your child can love both at the same time for the special people we all are n their life and the love we offer to them.

[Linny]

I can only offer advice based on my own experience. Dh and I adopted an infant almost 27 yrs ago; another infant 25 yrs ago; and since then, we now have three babies at home---two pre-schoolers and a 4month old.

NEVER ONCE....during their lives...did the two---now grown babies----EVER say they wished they had their 'real mothers'...or any such combination such as that. Never.
They never 'wished' for the 'the life of the other life', the 'gee, what does my real mother/father look like', etc.

I honestly and truthfully believe that a lot of what you read and 'fear' is brought about by a lot of hype through disgruntled adoptees who felt/feel the way they did/do because of other issues within their family.

I'm not saying those disgruntled people don't have reason. I can think of several reasons why an adoptee might feel slighted in some form---but NOT simply because they were 'adopted people'.

I realize my experience is simply my experience. But, I assure you that as long as you parent and love your child---be completely honest to them as an individual.......the chances of your child 'wishing' are pretty slim, at best.

Certainly, a lot of kids will have issues during those teen years----but ALL kids have some issues during those teen years----NOT simply because they were adopted, KWIM?

Breathe. Relax. Enjoy your child...be your child's best advocate---which means, you can't always be the 'friend' you might want to be. (And you already spoke to this, I know.) But, don't worry about all the 'hype'. There's enough of it on the bookshelf; just be the best parent you can be---in reality. That, after all, is what you owe any birthperson, yourself and more than anything, your child.

My best to you......

Sincerely,

Linny

[britfish]

That was very nicely said mom2grlc, a wonderful presepective to remember.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I think your fears are normal. I also think they are not just an adoptive mother's fear and this is why so many parents these days parent as a "friend" as you mentioned. The truth is, I think REAL parenting breeds stronger relationships than the friend/parent thing.

I have had times of worry, but I just tell myself to love them as much as I can and they will know that everything I have ever done for them was out of love.

[kelceesmom]

I think that is part of the adoption path. That we, as mothers, might be replaced by the "real" mothers. I think we work so hard for our families and go through so much more than people who are able to have bios. I think we have a different kind of love for our adopted kids to an extent and know the value of it. We raise them the best we can and pray for the future for them. You are doing fine and that baby adores you and probably always will.

[Lilly's Mommy]

Thanks to all of you who helped to ease my fear. The words of wisdom you shared have helped me considerably.

I don't think anyone can appreciate how much their mom loves them until they become a mother themselves!

[cvalda]

I just assume when my kids are adults (or teens) they'll dislike me, no matter what I do. Because we all have faults and everyone goes through that stage where that's all they see. I'm expecting it.

And if it doesn't happen, won't that be a treat!!!!

;~) K

[zxczxcasdasd]

Fear is normal. And as an adoptive mom, that specific fear is totally normal. But we don't have to let fear rule us, or even guide us. This is where motherhood becomes courageous, that you will love and you will mother even if... And you will take those fears and cry them out a little, and look for strong arms and shoulders to bear you up when you're feeling week, but you will decide to be ruled by your strength and your confidence and your goodness, not by insecurities or weaknesses.

A mother's courage is with her heart. You have to be willing to risk it and you have to be in it for the kid, no matter what. And you have to know that there isn't some love pie in your kid's heart that means that if they give a slice to their bmom, then there's less for you. Love can be infinite. Your relationship with your kid is what you will build with them, and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything else in the world.

And yeah, you can pretty much assume they are going to try to push you away at some point, so count on it. But it won't be the end of the story. It will just be the "AARGGH!! Adolescence! Early Adulthood!" Chapter. ;-)

[Crazed]

We went thru a really difficult time with our ason. He tried everything to push us away - we went for lots of counselling and joined a parent support group. Very few of the troubled kids were adopted so that told us there were other reasons for his behaviour. He connected with his bfamily late last year (he's 19) and he and I are closer than ever.
I'm sure that every parent goes thru these fears at one time or another. Think of the young child packing his bag to run away and sits on the porch!

[joskids]

I really agree here with Linny. I've raised 4 bio kids that are now ages 23 to 33. Sometimes they didn't like me much, and one still loves me but doesn't love my lifestyle, interracial marriage, more children. But now I look at the 4 I've already raised and they are bright, beautiful, good citizens (two boys are police officers), educated, I could go on and on. And my two older daughters call me every single day (from 2-3 hours away). We are extremely close. So, as Linny said, all kids will go through a period of not loving how you parent when you have to be tough and, as MUCH AS YOU WANT TO, you CANNOT be their friend 'cuz that's not what parenting is all about. As for my 4 adopted children, one is only a year old and she's all about mommy these days but I'm sure that'll change when she sees I'm the oldest mommy at open house or some other thing I punish her for when she deserves it. The other 3, ages 7, 8 and 9, so far (that'll change too), know they are in the family God wanted them to be in. Yes, they have questions about their birthparents that we answer as best we can. They'd like photos and more information on birth siblings but that doesn't get in the way of us being a family, a LOVING FAMILY IN THE VERY TRUEST SENSE. I hope that feeling will last forever, aside from a few moments when they don't like us much -- but the LOVE will always be there. Surround yourselves with good and faithful friends and other adoptive families. Every day, even the most difficult, tell each of your children as many GOOD THINGS they're doing as the reprimands for the not so good things. Don't waste your time worrying about adoption issues that may never arise and if they do, you'll stand proud knowing that no one could love your children more than you do.

[Juliana13]

I remember a talk I heard, at church of all places, that spoke of rebellion among kids, and he specifically mentioined adoption. He said that the "I wish I never was adopted into this family!!!" retort, that can tear at the heart of adoptive parents is not really about adoption at all. If the same situation came about and your child wasn't adopted, the exclamation would be "I wish I never was born into this family!!" It's the same sentiment. It may hurt more, and cause more fear because of what we read into it, but it's the same thing. It's not an adoption thing, it's a teenager thing.

No, your child didn't get to choose what family adopted her. But, you know what? - If she was born to you, she wouldn't have had a choice in that either. Either way, she's yours.

And I agree with "bugs-n-bears" - we are their parents, not their buddies. Yes I want to be my child's friend, but I want to be a GOOD friend, a great friend, one who will be what they need me to be and help them be truly happy. Not just want them to like me. Of course, I do want them to like me, but not more than I want them to know, truly know, how much I LOVE them.

Of coures they will not like everything I do, and may even "hate" me sometimes, - I heard once that when your child says they hate you, you know you're doing a good job. Okay, that's not always true, but sometimes I think it is.

But I do understand the fear you mentioned. Even though I know it is ridiculous there is a little part of me - the insecure, silly part - that whispers - when you grow up, ...love me more than your birthmom! Please. I know! it's totally wrong. But it is there. I REALLY love what zxczxcasdasd said: "And you have to know that there isn't some love pie in your kid's heart that means that if they give a slice to their bmom, then there's less for you. Love can be infinite." I needed that. In fact, I just went back and read it again, and I really love that whole post. Thanks.

Anyway, Lilly's mom - don't obsess about it too much. You're her mom. Of course she will love you! Just love her - and it's obvious that you do. Just make sure she knows that, and that's all that matters.

[mom2justynsarah]

I think your fears are normal. However you need to remember this. You ARE your child's mother. YOU are the mother she has bonded with and attached to. Plus, YOU are the one she will call mommy.

My daughter is 2.5 years old. The amount of love and admiration we have for one another is immeasureable.

Yes, she does have a biological mother (plus bdad and three full blooded siblings). But that doesn't take away our already formed relationship of mother & daughter.

[MaryannsMiracle]

I have not read all the replys, but Ido wish to comment as an adoptee. First, your fears are normal. I am sure my amom had the same fear, but even though my nmom was my aunt I never knew her as my nmom. I will tell you that even in the roughest of times when moms and daughters sometimes clash, never once did I ever desire any other mom that my amom. She IS my REALmom and always will be. DNA does not make a momma. Even today knowing my aunt was my nmom, I would never chosre her over amom. Sure I love nmom, by amom IS Momma. I never even wanted to do a sleep over at my aunt/nmoms house while growing up and yes I was certainly a Daddy's girl(adad) but I was amom's heart.


God Bless,

Maryann