[Calebsmom]

Do you think that adoptive fathers have an easier time attaching than adoptive moms the first year because they often opt out of doing the communicating, since it's between women? Or am I generalizing, you both communicate equally with the birthmother and deal with her grief similarly?

[HappyTwinsMom]

My husband actually bonded more closely with our girls' birthmom in the beginning and did most of the communicating (except for the letters - I always wrote those). Over time (almost 6 years), things have evened out a bit.

If you meant do adoptive fathers bond more easily with the children, I would say that in our case, we bonded equally well with the babies from the very beginning.

[joskids]

I think I know what you mean. It was easier for my husband to feel "entitled" to parent our youngest (from an open adoption) than it was for me. I felt a lot of guilt because, as a woman, I really did feel the birthmother's pain and it haunted me. Over time, I've realized that God put her here for His purpose and now that she is one year old and REALLY a part of this family, I'm sure it was meant to be. We both bonded with the baby as soon as birthmother signed the surrender. Until then, we were a bit cautious. I probably have a bit closer relationship to birth grandmother than DH does because we are both women. Birthmom has taken a backseat lately but my husband is anxious to get to know her better when she is ready to come back into our lives.
Hope that helps.

Josie

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I am definately closer to Bug than Bear...not noticeably...but it is there. I think it is because the birth family was always refering to him as "daddy"...while I was Angie and b-mom was "mommy". It was hard. I think it was not until I had the "what would you like to be called" talk that it clicked and I felt more like mommy.

[Calebsmom]

Attachment came very easily for my husband. He simply enjoyed being Dad. Our son's birthmother refused grief counseling and was not an easy person to deal with. I typically was the one to communicate with her.

[loveajax]

I think we "attached" equally, but I also know that my DH does not have the same feelings of grief/guilt, etc. that I feel for DD's birth mom. The strange thing is that DD's birth dad (who is married to birth mom) seems to be more like my DH...i.e., while, I am sure he has experienced grief, it just doesn't seem as "palpable" as DD's birth mom, kwim? DH has not spoken at any great length with birth family outside of our visits, and I am responsible for writing updates, making phone calls, etc. It's irritating!!!! If you are feeling that way, don't question your attachment to your child - - it's there. It just means you are human and feeling all the wonderful and not-so-wonderful emotions.

[HBV]

I think we attached equally and right from the start, but that may be because of the special circumstances w/ H's bmom, who is so much younger than her years because of her disability. She doesn't process emotion like a grown woman (or even a teenager) so I never felt the grief/guilt that some of you are suffering with. I'm not suggesting that she doesn't have pain or that I'm insensitive to it, but given the nature of her disability, I don't feel I've deprived her of an opportunity she might otherwise have had to parent.

I do have to manage most of the communication w/ M & her family, and w/ bdad's extended family. Thank goodness, though, Dh takes the reins when it comes to bdad, who I find VERY difficult.

Really interesting thread---thanks, Calebsmom!

[Mared2chuck]

I bonded with everyone first. Our situation is a little different in we adopted my bio nephew. He is my brothers bio son. I some what bonded with the bmom but she has since disappeard. My borther and I are much closer now and he and my husband are a lot closer too. As for out son he is VERY attached to me. I brought him home from an out of state foster placement when he was 4.5 months old. I have been by his side every minute I can. He is 19 months old now. We did put him in a pre school part time. It has been good for him but sometimes I miss him soo much. I guess I am as attached to him as he is to me. My husband loves him and tries to do for him as much as he can so do my older children but right now he is a mommas boy and I am okay with that.
God Bless

[Shai's Mom]

DH and I adopted two little boys. He is a loving, caring dad.

I bonded with my children first. I was the one that took maternity leave and was with them 24/7. For the older one, my husband "split" the maternity leave with me, meaning I took 6 weeks and he took 6 weeks. It was VERY hard for DH to be a stay at home daddy for that time and gave him a bit of an appreciation of what I'd been doing.

With the little one I stayed home the entire 12 weeks. He was 7 weeks old when we got him. DH started to really bond with him when he started interacting more, smiling, playing at about 5 - 6 months of age. That's also when the older one started to really take an interest in his new brother.

I think it's normal for the first bond to be with the primary caretaker, be it mother or father.

[StacyM]

This is interesting. I attached very quickly and easily with my daughter...DH did as well. However, I do have the feelings of grief for Bmom that DH does not.