[zxczxcasdasd]

Anyone here have an ason/daughter almost grown?

Mine is going to graduate from HS in June and I find myself feeling so many feelings I never have before. It's like the older he gets, the more I wish I was genetically related to him. I know that he is my son until the end of the earth and the end of time. I will love him no matter what happens until the day I die. But I can't pretend that I birthed him, because I didn't and it seems like right now as he's on the cusp of adulthood, that fact hurts. It's NEVER hurt before, but now it does.

Anyone experienced anything similar?

[2manyks]

today i took my new baby to see my grandmother, his great grandmother. one of her friends kept asking how old is that baby? finally she said to me - you dont look like you just had a baby 2 weeks ago. i wished i had just had this baby 2 weeks ago - but then this baby wouldnt be this baby, KWIM?

[zxczxcasdasd]

I do know. I used to get all the time (and sometimes still do, though not as much) "Are you brother and sister?" Or "You don't look old enough to be his mom!" I just got that one last week. He was introducing me to a school administrator and she thought he was joking and trying to pass off some family friend as his mother. I usually just smile and answer that, yes I am his mom.

But to myself the thought occurs that while he was being born, I was finishing high school happy and carefree. In fact, the summer he was born was the same summer I spent 2 months in Europe doing service work and growing up and experiencing so much. I got to be ASB president my senior year, along with lots of other activities. I went away for 4 wonderful years of college where I learned oodles and made best friends for the rest of my life, not just from classes, but from living in dorms with roommates and growing up together. And the years after college, living in an apt by the beach, rollerblading every day after work, making big bucks with no cares or responsiblities. None of that would have happened had I been parenting a child. And all of that is so much of who I am. And who I was able to become from those years was a big part of what equipped me to be his mother for the time I have been blest to do so. And who I was as his mother is a big part of the young man he is now.

And I also know that his genetics are a big part of who he is and I would never wish away any part of him.

But I can still know all this and yet sometimes feel sad that we are not biologically related. This is really only something hitting me now, as far as bothering me. And he's almost grown.

But it's okay. I can feel sad on my own time, and it really is pretty rare. Normally, when that feeling hits me, I just find him and hug him and tell him I love him.

[bromanchik]

I am a birthmom to a 22 year old. We have had an open adoption since the beginning. He now lives closer to me than his mom and dad. We see each other a bit more than we have in the past, but the bottom line is that he still calls his mom first when something important happens in his life. She still is the one he turns to first. Distance and age has not changed that and I don't believe it ever will. Personally, the connection he has with his parents is what I prayed for when I placed him. I am glad to see he has that as an adult.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Personally, the connection he has with his parents is what I prayed for when I placed him. I am glad to see he has that as an adult.

That made me choke up, just because I can sense the kind of love that would pray for that and be happy to see it happen. Thank you for sharing that.

It's really not that I fear a lack of emotional connection with him. We have that in spades, and I have no fear whatsoever of that ever changing, other than what naturally will happen as he grows and when he marries. But sometimes I wish we also had the connection of shared biology. And sometimes I greive for the 8 yrs I didn't share with him.

I really appreciate hearing from you, as it seems that there just aren't many, or any, adoptive parents of older kids here. TONS of hopeful adoptive parents or aparents of little ones- dealing with early life issues.

What I feel as he's growing is so much deeper than what I felt before, and sometimes is so unexpected.

[jackiesbooks]

Heidi -

You may be starting to suffer from empty nest. My bio kids are grown 19 and 26 and somewhere during their senior year I become very emotional. This is probably compounded by the fact his is adopted.
Just an idea.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I think you're absolutely right. I know I'm starting to feel that in bits and pieces. And it's surprised me because I've never been an emotional or clingy mom. And I do think it's compounded by adoption issues that have never bothered me before.

The first time it happened, DS had driven by himself to a college 3 hrs away for an overnight "preview" for HS seniors. I, of course, was concerned and nervous for such a long drive by himself (the first such one he'd done...actually the only one ever). He had gotten there a few hours early for his scheduled meeting with a friend who is a student there and I was picturing him a little scared or nervous with having so much time to kill in a strange place by himself. It's a very small secluded safe campus so I wasn't concerned for his safety, just his peace of mind and unfamiliarity with his surooundings. I called him and it was basically "I'm fine, mom." Click. And I realized he was fine. He was hours and miles away, and he was fine. I didn't have a thing to do for him. He was just fine. Why that would bother me I have no idea, except that it was probably the first time since I became "Mom" that there was nothing I could or should be doing to help or supervise or support him. And I just started crying, at the same time thinking, "Why am I crying?!"

[ourdreamcametru]

Heidi,
I just wanted to let you know that a lot of what you are feeling is just normal as a mom, biological or adopted. My oldest son who is bio will graduate next year and I am having a very hard time with it! In the last year he has gotton a job, a girlfriend and we have started to buy the many things that come with graduation ie, ring, invitations. I think it is just hard for us to let our babies grow up and move on with their lives. For me I worry that he will not continue to be the respectiful young man that he is if his mom is not there to guide him~ stupid thought~ will he dress warmly enough when he leaves home, eat the right foods, hang out with the right people? I know in my heart that we have raised him right and he will be a wonderful addition to the world but all the same I worry. I understand your need to feel that bio connection, I have that worry with our 2 year old daughter but I know we will always have a special bond and that is more than I could have ever hoped for! Bless you and congrats on your sons graduation!

[NJNative]

I do think it's just seeing them growing up that gets you, whether they are adopted or bio. Mine is 16 and I have to look up to talk to him. But lately, I feel so proud of him sometimes, when I hear sensible, insightful things coming out of his mouth. I think to myself: I think I have almost DONE it -- raised a responsible thoughtful young MAN!

But I also fiind myself wondering if he will want to search for his bio connections and how that might pan out for him. His was a closed adoption (he was 10 months old and had a rough start in life). It bothers me some that if he does search, he might get hurt.

But in the end, it will be his decision to make and his experience to have. I will miss him something fierce when he grows up and flies out of the nest!

Robin

[zxczxcasdasd]

I feel the same way. I'm also very proud of the young man he's become and there's no question of the role I played in that. And I don't fear losing him because I will never stop loving him, and we're really close. If one of us has to stay up late for some reason, the other will stay up too just to keep the other company and be moral support. But this year I have just been emotional about him, and things to do with his adoption by me, in ways I never have before. Pre-empty nest, I guess.

[Shai's Mom]

Originally Posted by jackiesbooks

Heidi -

You may be starting to suffer from empty nest. My bio kids are grown 19 and 26 and somewhere during their senior year I become very emotional. This is probably compounded by the fact his is adopted.
Just an idea.

My bio-daughter is 26 (hard to believe). And since we live in different continents, missing her tore me up.

Now I have my two little boys. While there is always a hole in my heart, because I'm missing my beloved daughter, I don't have time for moping and being depressed anymore. The little ones don't give me time for that.

I can't even think about how empty my life and my arms would be without them.

[Crazed]

I too am having an emotional time about my almost grown son. I teared up reading your post. My son, 19 has had a rough 6 mths, starting college, meeting his bfamily, stormy relationship and breakup with his gf.
I would like to wrap him in bubble wrap and protect him forever - I do know that's over the top. I find myself trying to call him more frequently when he is out.
It is so hard to let go and watch them make their own mistakes and develop into independant adults.
The teen years are history and now we are developing a different type of relationship.
My younger bio son is almost 18 so I know I will be going thru this all over again in the near future!

[Mared2chuck]

I think your story is almost every MOMs story. Bio or adopted as someones mom it is difficult to feel them sprading their wings knowing that yes they are going to leave one day. My son is graduating this summer and I am turning 40. I think the "empty nest feeling" hit me when he began to drive. I cried for a few days . My son thought it was funny but seemed to understand he was very loving about the whole thing. I felt bad for crying like I was ruining it for him so some more guilt . Good luck to you both

[plaintruth]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

Anyone here have an ason/daughter almost grown?

Mine is going to graduate from HS in June and I find myself feeling so many feelings I never have before. It's like the older he gets, the more I wish I was genetically related to him. I know that he is my son until the end of the earth and the end of time. I will love him no matter what happens until the day I die. But I can't pretend that I birthed him, because I didn't and it seems like right now as he's on the cusp of adulthood, that fact hurts. It's NEVER hurt before, but now it does.

Anyone experienced anything similar?

You are alreay worthy of the title, "MOTHER."
I am a birth mom who has 3 sons. One who was put up for adoption but with force. Nonetheless, you raised the child you adopted. You cared for him and was there for him through things some people cannot possibly imagine. He cried, you answered that cry. He hurt, you hurt. He grew and had growing pains, and so did you. No, you are not his birth mother, but you are definetely his mother. Never think anything different. Almost anyone can give birth, not everyone can be a mother to their child. I am happy that your story ended a lot better than most adoptive children can say. At least you love and care for the child you adopted. Be at peace with yourself. He has called you mom, lady (smile), mother since he could speak. You "ARE" his mother.

I pray that my son who was taken from me has found someone as loving as you.

Give him a couple huggs from me too the next time you see him (smile).

Be At Peace!

[zxczxcasdasd]

Thank you for all the kind words. I know that it is a natural part of motherhood. A mother's love is the only kind that is supposed to grow towards separation. And I truly am at peace and have NO desire to hold him back from his own life. And we really are ending our teen/parent relationship and being to grow into being co-adults. But all that doesn't make it not hurt your heart at the same time. It's like you spend your life giving them your whole heart and then they move on and take it with them. Ouch. Mission motherhood accomplished...but when you lose something, it hurts. Even if you are supposed to lose it and it's been your goal to lose it and you WANT to lose it, ("it" being your child's need for you, their childhood) it still hurts when you lose it.

And it took me by surprise. And I felt more vulnerable from the lack of biological tie. But in a way, I think it's made me a better mother because I cannot take our relationship for granted. I can't assume I'll always have a mother-son relationship with him because we're biologically related and I'm all he's got. The only thing that will give me a mother-son relationship with him, is my being his mother, actually mothering him. And so, while granted this privilege I want to do my best to be worthy of it, and to continue to be love and safety and security and ecouragement for him.

And then, once past the tears and heartache of the whole empty nest thing, it begins to occur to me that I'm almost done having to do a lot of the dirty work, the hard, gut-wrenching, stand-taking work. I get to hand that over to him to do for himself and I get to just enjoy the relationship. So...I think I'll be okay.

But I tell ya-- I think it's easy to dismiss empty nest until you've been there. It's like seeing your whole motherhood flash before your eyes- which is overwhelming, and emotional-, and being gripped with the unreasonable fear that your child will just flit out into the world and never give a flip about you again, much less call or come over. They now have the freedom to completey reject you if they want. Scary.

But then you remember that you have a good relationship and it's about love and that love continues even if the boundaries and living situation don't.

So any moms who are also dealing with the same feelings, I get it and you can share and I'll know you're not an insecure, weepy, whiny freak. You're a mom going through a major transition, having to set aside what your sole purpose has been for 2 decades straight, 24 hrs a day. That takes some getting used to!