[plaintruth]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

Thank you for all the kind words. I know that it is a natural part of motherhood. A mother's love is the only kind that is supposed to grow towards separation. And I truly am at peace and have NO desire to hold him back from his own life. And we really are ending our teen/parent relationship and being to grow into being co-adults. But all that doesn't make it not hurt your heart at the same time. It's like you spend your life giving them your whole heart and then they move on and take it with them. Ouch. Mission motherhood accomplished...but when you lose something, it hurts. Even if you are supposed to lose it and it's been your goal to lose it and you WANT to lose it, ("it" being your child's need for you, their childhood) it still hurts when you lose it.

And it took me by surprise. And I felt more vulnerable from the lack of biological tie. But in a way, I think it's made me a better mother because I cannot take our relationship for granted. I can't assume I'll always have a mother-son relationship with him because we're biologically related and I'm all he's got. The only thing that will give me a mother-son relationship with him, is my being his mother, actually mothering him. And so, while granted this privilege I want to do my best to be worthy of it, and to continue to be love and safety and security and ecouragement for him.

And then, once past the tears and heartache of the whole empty nest thing, it begins to occur to me that I'm almost done having to do a lot of the dirty work, the hard, gut-wrenching, stand-taking work. I get to hand that over to him to do for himself and I get to just enjoy the relationship. So...I think I'll be okay.

But I tell ya-- I think it's easy to dismiss empty nest until you've been there. It's like seeing your whole motherhood flash before your eyes- which is overwhelming, and emotional-, and being gripped with the unreasonable fear that your child will just flit out into the world and never give a flip about you again, much less call or come over. They now have the freedom to completey reject you if they want. Scary.

But then you remember that you have a good relationship and it's about love and that love continues even if the boundaries and living situation don't.

So any moms who are also dealing with the same feelings, I get it and you can share and I'll know you're not an insecure, weepy, whiny freak. You're a mom going through a major transition, having to set aside what your sole purpose has been for 2 decades straight, 24 hrs a day. That takes some getting used to!

I understand completely! I have 2 sons who are grown and gone from home. The arguments, the girlfriends, the private talks the laughter we shared, the pain we felt with one another and for one another. That mother/son separation is far from easy. So is the separation of a birth child. I know that I should have been able to share that same feeling with my birth son. I was not able to. That feeling never goes away. The wondering, the what if's, all of that is very hard and can be extremely trying on one's emotional and mental level. I have had my sons to share that feeling with and they too have shared how they wish that they had had the oppotunity to share their life with their brother.

Motherhood includes a lot of things that is learned by hands on experience. There really is no book on how to let go once theyhave grown or how to let go when you do not have your son to watch him grow up into a man. It is a constant hurt the latter.

I have a lot of faith and am grateful that God saw fit for me to get those pictures and the letter from the adoptive mother, although I received it 13 years after she sent it, 3 days prior to Christmas day.

He was 3 and 4 years old. He was beautiful and smiling, and seemed very happy and loved.

That was a gift to me as his biological mother. Why I never got it until now? God has his reasons. I am appreciative to the woman that my son calls mother.
Be blessed!

[reiscmi]

As an adoptee I can relate to wishing I was biologically related to my parents. I love them so dearly. When my mom was 50 her ob/gyn said she could help her get pregnant but my mom declined because she didn't want to go through have a baby when her children were already grown up. This may sound selfish and awful but the thought of her having a bio child made me feel jealous inside. I think it is probably normal for adoptee and adoptive parents to wish they did have a bio connection.

[kune]

Heidi
I have to tell you this is just a phase. And a short one at that. The years go by really quickly.

We live in a remote area so my children had to leave home to go to University. I agree...that seperation was felt and although they were somehow still attached to "home", I missed their presence and even missed the mess and the food needed, huge phone bills and sharing my car.
The next stage was graduation, both travelled through Europe for 2 years, and then returned home and married.

Ah...Now come the grandchildren and their need to be part of the greater family. We have an adult relationship now that I cherish. It's like we support each other as part of one family. And...of course...the family increases with daughter and son-in-laws and grandchildren.

Take a huge breathe when you are feeling bereft. Close your eyes and think of what is to come. They grow into such wonderful young adults, make good careers and make very good choices....all because of the home life they had from infancy to adolescents. Then they find great spouses and it just gets better.

I love my daughter-in-law and son-inlaw to bits. I also enjoy their families. I'm besotted with the grandchildren!!!! Grandparenthood is wonderful. You can look at your children and see they are making a huge contribution to society as a whole....and doing it well. You can boast about it because Grandparents are allowed to do that...unashamedly. You can see your own children in those grandkids and realise that re-incarnation is a fact. And I'm sure the joys wil continue.

Never think this is the end. It's just a wonderful beginning and you can watch it unfold as the months and years roll by.

Family....without the need for suffixes like bio and adoptive...is one of lifes wonders. It has no end and the final script has yet to be written. Oh....Life is good!!!

Regards - Ann

[Juliana13]

You spend all your energy, heart, hopes, dreams and prayers for so may years raising them to be good, responsible, happy people, who can stand on their own two feet and be fine with out you.

Then they grow up and do it.

The stinkers!

[kune]

Juliana13

YEP - COULDN'T AGREE MORE!!!