[Prettyboicris]

What have you guys found to be challenging as a man in the process? Whether it be before, during or after adoption?
I ask because everything tends to be female focused in my experience so far. Even a lot of the posts on here start of with "Ladies", "Mom's" etc.

[sbaglio]

Originally Posted by Prettyboicris

What have you guys found to be challenging as a man in the process? Whether it be before, during or after adoption?
I ask because everything tends to be female focused in my experience so far. Even a lot of the posts on here start of with "Ladies", "Mom's" etc.

Well, I'm coming at this from the perspective of a father in a 2-dad family, but being men, we have likely met many of the same issues. We have been fortunate, mostly because it is fairly obvious to everyone just how devoted we both are to our daughter.

Before the adoption, we felt a bit out of place at some of the agency adoption meetings we attended before we made our final choice, but not much. Our agency had several gay couples it was working with, and we always felt very welcome. The strange thing to us was how we came to the adoption process with a lot of joy and as a first choice, but nearly all the straight couples came to the decision from a place of pain at their infertility. We're not infertile (at least from what we know), so our perspective was quite different, although we did empathize. I think some were a bit skeptical about 2 men adopting an infant, but that never changed our own perceptions of ourselves.

Our adoption was a wonderful experience, and our OA is a reflection of that. We adopted our DD from TX, and were very surprised at how open and friendly everyone was towards us (after a moment of surprise!), even at the hospital. I mentioned now and then that I was a pediatrician, so that probably helped somewhat. We were very involved, from speaking to the pediatrician at the hospital to staying with the baby. Our DD's bmom was also very dedicated to having us be seen as our DD's parents, and directed all questions and such to us. To say that she is one of the most important and loved persons in our lives would be an understatement.

After the adoption: This has been similar. We live in a very open-minded area of the country, so all of our interactions (with our daughter's pediatrician, with neighbors, with people in the park or at restaurants etc) have been positive. We have a large network of (mostly straight) friends who have kids, and none has questioned our abilities as parents. And we're darned good parents, if I may say so myself!!

So as men in this whole process, we have learned not to play to others' expectations (well, we never did that anyway). When people mention DD's "mom", we say that she has 2 dads, and that's usually as far as it goes. We've only had good reactions so far. True, a lot of this is focused on women, but that is just how it is. I feel very comfortable on a.com expressing my opinions. When certain topics that are aimed at women only come up, I try to just remain an observer. I wonder if men would be so welcoming were it the other way round - maybe, I don't know.

Best of luck.

[Prettyboicris]

sbaglio I find it interesting that you prefaced your post by stating that you are coming from a 2 DAD family perspective. I have actually found that most of the guys both in real life and online who are really involved in the process are part of a 2 Dad family. I find that interesting. However I don't mind I prefer any dad perspective as opposed to no DAD perspective. for sharing your experience. I have been the contact experience with the agencies that my wife and I have been in contact with. When we were deciding which agency to go with, on more than one occasion they either asked if I had a male parnter or said that they would like to speak with my wife which I found funny but bothersome at the same time. Oh well so is life, I took it with a grain of salt. Thanks again for sharing

[sbaglio]

I think that men are expected to be distant from the whole adoption process (and many arguably are, from what people have written on a.com). It is often the wife who takes the initiative to contact agencies, prepare for the homestudy, make the profile, etc. Thus the irritating questions from some agencies. It's great that you're involved from the start.

[portlowski]

Hello Men!

A woman butting in here...and not wanting to hijack but figuring since there aren't a lot of men I might be allowed to go off topic a bit...

My husband was kind of irritated that all questions about the adoption at the agency were funneled through me. This was a decision we made together and he fully participated. I think that's why he is such a good hands-on dad.

We got most of our pre-adoption info from our friends, 2 dads who adopted shortly before we did. One of the dads is the primary caregiver and he jokingly said, "I'm surprised I haven't started lactating!" He jokes about having a lot in common with moms, but he is, no doubt, a man. And along with his partner, an excellent dad.

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by sbaglio

I think that men are expected to be distant from the whole adoption process (and many arguably are, from what people have written on a.com). It is often the wife who takes the initiative to contact agencies, prepare for the homestudy, make the profile, etc. Thus the irritating questions from some agencies. It's great that you're involved from the start.

I can see how that could happen; however I think by agencies boxing the men out then they are feeding into that behavior too. If I wasn't the kind of guy I am then I would have just said "fine talk to my wife" and not bother. The way I feel is if WE are bringing a child into OUR home then WE both should be involved in all aspects of the process.
My wife and I read books together and I post on here. She has posted too a couple of times but I am more of a computer person so she will just tell me what question she has and I will post the question.
I also guess that since times are changing more Dads are involved. I noticed in our MAPP classes that we took there were more Single Fathers.
Time for a change I think.

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by portlowski

Hello Men!

A woman butting in here...and not wanting to hijack but figuring since there aren't a lot of men I might be allowed to go off topic a bit...

My husband was kind of irritated that all questions about the adoption at the agency were funneled through me. This was a decision we made together and he fully participated. I think that's why he is such a good hands-on dad.

We got most of our pre-adoption info from our friends, 2 dads who adopted shortly before we did. One of the dads is the primary caregiver and he jokingly said, "I'm surprised I haven't started lactating!" He jokes about having a lot in common with moms, but he is, no doubt, a man. And along with his partner, an excellent dad.

Thank you for your input it is greatly appreciated. My Wife and I have been blessed with a two Father couple who has been helping us with aspects of the system. We did our classes together since we are doing foster Adopt but they already have a child and are helping us with aspects of the agency stuff.

[crick]

I'll try to get some more dads to post here...

[Original Mike]

I adopted my son from foster care when he was 13. I am a straight, single father. In starting the process, I was very interested to see the reactions of various agencies to my status.

Reactions ranged from barely-diguised venom (as a single man looking to adopt an older chld, I must be a pervert of some kind) to bemusement (oh, you couldn't possibly raise a child alone) to being treated like some kind of rare, exotic species (WOW, we've never had a single DAD before).

After a rough start with one agency who (upon finding out I was single) informed me that "We don't do homestudies for you people."), I was matched with a county worker who I hit it of with right away. She had never worked with a single dad before and found it very interesting. She even became kind iof "over=protective" of me and did a very good job of screening ptential matches.

Now, I've been in this long enough to see other single dads enter the arena, both as foster and adoptive parents. Frequently, I ma asked to speak to foster training classes and was even featured in our local paper a few years ago as part of "NAtional Adoption Month" coverage.

I do not plan on adopting again, but I do continue to foster. I find that several of the boys also find the idea of a single dad to be different. One even asked me "Well, if you're single, who does the cooking?" My current foster placment has always been raised by women, so having a male parent is a real novelty to him and he is progressing by leaps and bounds.

Anything else, just ask.

[Indy]

Another single father here, who is straight. That is so funny to preface my post with a statement like that. To be honest with you, I was surprised about the remark "...I have actually found that most of the guys both in real life and online who are really involved in the process are part of a 2 Dad family..." My first son came to me 10 years ago this month and I have yet to meet a "2 dad" family. Ok, I live in a conservative midwestern city.

My experience has been very good. I have never had a worker ask about a partner (male or female) or act surprised when I said I was single. I have adopted from 4 different states, from the real conservative (IN) to the more progressive (WA). Never have I run into some of the situations mentioned in this post.

As far as posting online, I would agree that you will find more women posting. Typically, you won't find men online talking about adoption. I post here, as it is the only place I have found where people understand what I am dealing with.

[Kerbchek]

Hey... another adoptive parent here who is also a single guy... I have never had anyone seem bothered by the fact that I am single guy wanting to adopt... at least nobody ever said anything to my face about it...

There are a few single guys in town here who are foster parents... I started the whole process in 2004 and the fact that I was single was somewhat a novelty thing... but this time around (I'm in the process of being matched for a second adoption), it seems very normal... nobody seems suprised... I've been in communication with people in four different states... I hadn't looked at any photolistings since 2005... and one thing that suprised me this time around is I've seen "single male" listed as a preferences for some kids... I don't remember seeing that before...

My son does really well with a single parent... he cannot triangulate... apparently he's always responded better to male caregivers...

The neatest thing is when we're in public, or with people we've met more recently, people doen't even know he's adopted... there's lots of single dads out there!!

As far as the posts starting out with "Ladies..." - I've spent so much time in the special needs & attachment area of the forum, where Indy, Mike, and I have been hanging out for years... people over there don't usually start off their posts that way...

Like Indy said, I come to a.com because I've found people with similar interests... who know what kind of things I'm experiencing... and being a sinlge male adoptive parent is not seen as strange or unusual...

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by Indy

Another single father here, who is straight. That is so funny to preface my post with a statement like that. To be honest with you, I was surprised about the remark "...I have actually found that most of the guys both in real life and online who are really involved in the process are part of a 2 Dad family..." My first son came to me 10 years ago this month and I have yet to meet a "2 dad" family. Ok, I live in a conservative midwestern city.

I am from NYC so they are more accepting of Lesbian, Gay Bisexual and Transgender people so you see them adopting too through foster care.

[Sdirector]

I am a married father of two birth children, and 2 adopted (1 soon to be finalized... we hope!)

Our adoption situation is so different from most people's that any expression of feelings from me may not apply to most people's adoption situation. But, I will give it a try...

Both of my adopted children have come to me out of a need to be protected. There have been no adoption agencies, or social workers involved (my daughter has social workers, but none of them seem interested in talking to us) so I haven't had to deal with that.

Well, I take that back. With my son, 13 years ago (remember, no state involvement with us or him... we had custody through a private order), we got a call from a state social worker. My wife did not want to talk to her, so I answered when she called back. She asked to speak to my wife, and I told her that she was not available, but I was happy to speak to her. She paused, and said, "When will she be available?" I told her that I wasn't sure, but I was equally versed in any issues concerning the child, and could certainly answer any of her questions. Long pause... reluctantly, she proceeded. I was really taken aback by that attitude, but I guess, as far as they are concerned, the man is usually the problem!

At any rate, back to protection. With both of my adopted children, I have felt a very strong need to protect them. They were in immediate harm's way in their living sitations, and I knew that I could step in, hire the lawyer, and fight for them. To me, that is what a Dad does. Maybe it is an old male stereotype, but it is the way that I feel. That bond is particularly strong with my daughter, who has come to us at twelve years of age.

She has had an abusive past at the hands of many people. So, I will see to it that she never has to experience that again. Sometimes, I fell a great deal of regret that I was not there to protect her, and it can really tear me up inside. I ask myself, "Where was I to protect her while bmother's boyfriend was beating the girl that I love so much so badly that she couldn't go to school for three days?" Or "Where was I when she had to be restrained at the hospital." Or, "Where was I when her bmother was withholding food from her?"

As a Dad, who loves his children, these things are tough! Even though I wish I had been there sooner, I am comitted to making her life all that it can be from this moment forward. I will never forget the day that she turned and looked at me, and said, "I want you to adopt me!" As far as I am concerned, from that moment, she became my daughter, and I her dad, and we belong to each other forever.

I have never had a court (and we have had to deal with many of them!) question my involvement as a father. My daughter's therapist thinks that it is wonderful that I take time off from work each week to participate in her therapy. My response, "Of course I would! This is all about her, and her getting better." Then again, I very seldom miss doctor's appointments with my children of any kind. I also went to ALL of my wife's OB appointments when she was pregnant with our two.

Hopefully, even with my very non traditional situation, I have been able to share some thoughts that might help. And hopefully, they have been coherent!

[Prettyboicris]

Thank you guys your replies have been so helpful.

[Drywall]

Sdirector...your story regarding your 12 year old daughter brought me to my knees...not only initially, but every time I thought about it...I can relate.

Those abuse periods are easily remembered...they have their own legacy and the boundaries of abuse, grief, loss and despair become blurred...gradually they come together as a package.

It's possible to pray daily to a God who never answers... in the end the only real hope is to give in...accept the low level of your status...view what happens as something you may can only try to avoid...and in the end you will always have hope that tomorrow will be better.

I wish there were more guys around like you to help the kids that are in need...

I wish you the best