[Prettyboicris]

My wife and I are new to the whole process. We have found that most adoption forums and blogs are geared towards women and/or are expressed from a woman's perspective. I was wondering how you guys have dealt with the process of preparing for the adoption. What tips do you have to other guys that are "Newbies"?

[Sdirector]

I would agree with you on the perspective of women, and that does seem to be the norm.

Both of our adoptions, the one 13 years ago, and the one that we are working on now, kind of have dropped in on me right out of the blue, so there wasn't a great deal of preparation. My son was 11 months old when he came to live with me, and 2 1/2 years old when we finally adopted him. My (soon to be) daughter is 12.

As one who has never adopted an infant, had to prepare, go through home studies, agencies, and the like, I probably am not very equipped to help you as well. Hopefully, a dad will be along who has done these things who can give you some advice.

Best wishes to you!

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by Sdirector

I would agree with you on the perspective of women, and that does seem to be the norm.

Both of our adoptions, the one 13 years ago, and the one that we are working on now, kind of have dropped in on me right out of the blue, so there wasn't a great deal of preparation. My son was 11 months old when he came to live with me, and 2 1/2 years old when we finally adopted him. My (soon to be) daughter is 12.

As one who has never adopted an infant, had to prepare, go through home studies, agencies, and the like, I probably am not very equipped to help you as well. Hopefully, a dad will be along who has done these things who can give you some advice.

Best wishes to you!

Thanks for the reply. We are just nervous about the whole thing, but for me I just wish their were more guys out there to read responses from.

[sbaglio]

Welcome! We adopted our daughter at birth 13 months ago. The preparation for the adoption was long and sometimes frustrating, but ultimately worth it in the end. Our DD is our first child, so we were "newbies" as well.

We did a TON of research before making any significant steps. Adoption.com was a great resource, and you might be pleasantly surprised at how well you'll fit in here, even though most members are women. I've been fully accepted, and my opinions respected.

Our situation is a bit different, since we are a 2-dad family, but navigating the system as men was still challenging at times. We spent a long time on this forum, reading and learning about the perspectives of all involved in the adoption triad (adoptive parents, birthparents, adoptees). Myths were shattered, notions affirmed, and much learning took place.

We also joined a few online Yahoo! adoption groups, and it was through one of these that we found our agency. We also found our social worker through one of these groups (on recommendations), as well as our daughter's present pediatrician.

Many women on this forum have said that they are the ones who took the initiative in preparing for the adoption; I can't say if that is the same in your situation. But try to stay involved at all stages, if possible. It's always easier if only one person handles the legwork, but the satisfaction with the outcome will be greater if you both stay involved.

Most of the emotional work, surprisingly, comes after the adoption, and not in just caring for your child. Navigating an open adoption (if that is what you end up opting for) has many aspects and can be exhilarating, frustrating, confusing, satisfying...you name it, that describes it. Learn as much as you can about OA before you adopt, and do so for yourselves, rather than allowing your agency to educate you. It's not all roses, as is often portrayed, but not having one can be just as painful for some. It's all about your child, after all.

Let me know if you have any specific questions, and good luck on your journey.

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by sbaglio

Welcome! We adopted our daughter at birth 13 months ago. The preparation for the adoption was long and sometimes frustrating, but ultimately worth it in the end. Our DD is our first child, so we were "newbies" as well.

We did a TON of research before making any significant steps. Adoption.com was a great resource, and you might be pleasantly surprised at how well you'll fit in here, even though most members are women. I've been fully accepted, and my opinions respected.

Our situation is a bit different, since we are a 2-dad family, but navigating the system as men was still challenging at times. We spent a long time on this forum, reading and learning about the perspectives of all involved in the adoption triad (adoptive parents, birthparents, adoptees). Myths were shattered, notions affirmed, and much learning took place.

We also joined a few online Yahoo! adoption groups, and it was through one of these that we found our agency. We also found our social worker through one of these groups (on recommendations), as well as our daughter's present pediatrician.

Many women on this forum have said that they are the ones who took the initiative in preparing for the adoption; I can't say if that is the same in your situation. But try to stay involved at all stages, if possible. It's always easier if only one person handles the legwork, but the satisfaction with the outcome will be greater if you both stay involved.

Most of the emotional work, surprisingly, comes after the adoption, and not in just caring for your child. Navigating an open adoption (if that is what you end up opting for) has many aspects and can be exhilarating, frustrating, confusing, satisfying...you name it, that describes it. Learn as much as you can about OA before you adopt, and do so for yourselves, rather than allowing your agency to educate you. It's not all roses, as is often portrayed, but not having one can be just as painful for some. It's all about your child, after all.

Let me know if you have any specific questions, and good luck on your journey.

Thanks for the insight. My wife knows I'm better with the online aspect of things so she has left that up to me and she has taken to reading books. I have found that the only men that I encountered were all mostly gay men. While we were taken our classes since we opted for a saturday MAPP classes in manhattan is was full of single women, two gay male couples and then us. We did connect with one of the couples and they have been helpful since one of the guys works for an agency in the city that has a foster adopt program he was able to give us some insight on homestudy stuff. However since he and his partner have never gone through the whole process themselves they admitted to being just as nervous and lost in some areas. They are a little further along as they have completed their home study and are waiting for a placement.
I will say that since joining this site I have noticed that the women here are very helpful and I know that I will fit right in. My wife are full joy, nerves and questions. We are still deciding on the where exactly we stand with open adoption to a certain extent. We are planning to adopt through the Foster Adopt Program in NYC so we know that there tends to be a certain level of openness in that. We know that with regards to Bmom and Bdad not always but definitely siblings and other relatives may come into the picture.

Thanks for the response

[borg1of2]

Good thread. Having recently gone through all of the preparation items last year, forms, referral letters, profile creation, home study, back ground check's etc. We finally got it all completed last fall. I knew at this point it was a waiting game and made a decision to not really think/obsess about it as I told myselft it will take 1 to 2 years. It would pop into my head wondering if we'd been presented to any birth mom's and if so, wondering why we may not have been chosen.

We recently got a letter from our agency letting us know that changes in the economny have had effects on adoptions, such that birth mom's were beginning to look for more money and that it was taking longer. So, again I thought still another 1 to 2 years ahead.

Then 2 weeks ago we got a call from the agency that we had been selected by a birth mother. It was like a wave of feelings came over with every possible emotion you can think of. In the past two weeks we met the birth mom, told family and friends, re-arranged some travel plans we had made, and YES, we made the decision to move forward with the adoption.

Things have slowed down a bit, oh the baby is due at the end of May so we don't have too much time, and have begun a little bit of preparation from parenting courses, day care planning, needs for the first day we take custody, and yes the naming search has begun. Our theme is cautious optimism, don't want to get too excited, as there are risks that it could not work out in front of us, so we aren't going over board and just letting each day come.

Don't know if any of this is helpful or not, but it's a little bit about our current experiences.

I will also say that patience continues to be a needed quality throughout all of this, so don't get discouraged and know that the right situation will find you.

Scott

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by borg1of2

Good thread. Having recently gone through all of the preparation items last year, forms, referral letters, profile creation, home study, back ground check's etc. We finally got it all completed last fall. I knew at this point it was a waiting game and made a decision to not really think/obsess about it as I told myselft it will take 1 to 2 years. It would pop into my head wondering if we'd been presented to any birth mom's and if so, wondering why we may not have been chosen.

We recently got a letter from our agency letting us know that changes in the economny have had effects on adoptions, such that birth mom's were beginning to look for more money and that it was taking longer. So, again I thought still another 1 to 2 years ahead.

Then 2 weeks ago we got a call from the agency that we had been selected by a birth mother. It was like a wave of feelings came over with every possible emotion you can think of. In the past two weeks we met the birth mom, told family and friends, re-arranged some travel plans we had made, and YES, we made the decision to move forward with the adoption.

Things have slowed down a bit, oh the baby is due at the end of May so we don't have too much time, and have begun a little bit of preparation from parenting courses, day care planning, needs for the first day we take custody, and yes the naming search has begun. Our theme is cautious optimism, don't want to get too excited, as there are risks that it could not work out in front of us, so we aren't going over board and just letting each day come.

Don't know if any of this is helpful or not, but it's a little bit about our current experiences.

I will also say that patience continues to be a needed quality throughout all of this, so don't get discouraged and know that the right situation will find you.

Scott

Thanks for the reply.