[tentmaker1040]

My wife wants to adopt, and I am hesitant. Before everyone throws something at me, let me explain. I had some friend who adopted. They raised the child, put them through school, feed them, etc. The ungrateful teenager now says "I want to find my REAL parents. They were heartbroken. They said we have no problems with you want to find your parents, but what is this REAL B.S. Just because 2 people had sex doesn't make them REAL parents. Real parents are the ones that sit up with you till 4 am because you are sick, who help you with your homework, etc. What are we, just place holders. The respnse was worse.."Yes you did all that, but you still aren't my real parents

[vegaschristina]

So basically you don't want to adopt because you don't ever want your children to know their biological roots? They don't ever want to know about their DNA?

Our DNA makes us, biologically, who we are. By denying any child the right to know that part of them, you're denying the child the right to know themselves.

I'm not a place holder for my children. I'm their "real" mom. I am secure enough in being their mom that I can allow them to know their birth mom and know the other side of themselves.

If this is your idea of adopting, then please, don't adopt.

[sbaglio]

Well, my response will be a little kinder to this, your first post. Welcome!

That was their experience, and although it has had an impact on your view, you shouldn't expect that the same will happen to you. It sounds like there may have been some underlying issues that you didn't elaborate on (why was he so angry at his adoptive parents?), nor do you have to.

Suffice to say that each adoption situation is different, each child is different, and each adoptive parent is different. You will find many, many people on this forum have gone through the adoption experience, and have not had anything happen that is close to what you describe.

I suggest that you do a lot of research about this before making up your mind. Go through the old threads on adoption.com, and participate in the newer ones. You'll learn a ton, as I did.

All the best!

[manni28]

As an adoptee I can tell you with 100% accuracy that most of us consider our aparents our "real" parents. When a child/teen says " you're not my rel parents" it usually done out of anger like being grounded( or the cell phone being taken away).I've known I have been adopted since I can remember, and my aparents have always been my "real" parents.

I wish you the best,

Manni

[RavenSong]

Teenagers are a tough group...they usually don't use politcally correct terminology, such as "positive adoption language". While most people in the adoption community are accustomed to using the term "birth parents" for family of origin, teenagers often just call them "real parents" when speaking amongst themselves. I don't think it's necessarily a case of the kid not feeling appreciative of the wonderful upbringing he's enjoyed. I think it's probably just a case of not using the "correct" terms for his birth parents.

Teenagers are also notorious for saying things like "you're not my real parents" in the heat of anger. It really doesn't mean anything...really. My two best friends when I was a kid were both adoptees. One of them always lashed out at her mom whenever she was mad, saying she didn't have to listen because she "wasn't her real mother anyway". Her mom used to just shake her head and ignore her. Believe me, Teri never meant those words, not in her heart. She became extremely close to her mom in adulthood, taking care of her in her old age.

LOL, whenever I got into an argument with my mom as a teenager, I used to say, "why didn't you just give me up for adoption when I was born?" Or I'd say, "I wish I was adopted!" Kids say hurtful things when they get angry.

Are there any other reasons besides your friends' experience that are making you hesitant to adopt? There's a wealth of information on this website about all aspects of adoption. There are also tons of books available these days. I'm sure some of the adoptive parents on this board would be more than glad to suggest some titles for you to read.

[zxczxcasdasd]

The thing that struck me about your post was "teenager". When teenagers are angry they say what they think will hurt the most and adopted teens have the whole "real" thing to throw in their parents' faces when they're looking for something to throw. And they don't stay angry teenagers forever. The hormones stabilize and they mature into adults.

But here's the thing, if they know that you'll always be okay with them re-connecting with or staying connected with their birthfamilies then it's not a horrible threat or an insult- it's just a natural thing that's expected that you can acknowledge their need for and support and help them through as your child's parents.

I will give you a gentle suggestion that many adoptees take great offense at being labeled as Ungrateful because they wish to know their birth origins. In fact, some adoptees here who have great relationships with their adoptive parents are with parents who've said "Of course you want to know. I'd want to know too if I were you" and stay their loving and supportive parent through that process with their child. Also, a child should never be expected to be grateful for being adopted, any more than you would like to be expected to be grateful for being born. Adoption does not create a debt of obligation for the child, it just makes a family out of legal relationship rather than genetic relationship and everyone shares equally in the benefits and struggles of the parent-child relationship as all parents and children do.

Best wishes in your decision as a couple. It's okay to be hesitant and it's a great motivation to learn as much as you can so that you both are making a fully informed decision.

[dpvannette]

I would not let this be the reason that I did not look at adoption. I wish there was a forum that we could all read that gave the experiances of non-adoptive parents and the struggles we endure with out birth children.

As someone who has 3 biological children and is also adopting I can tell you that many of the issues faced by adoptive parents are similar to the ones faced by biological parents. The adoptive children have a different way to voice their frustration and anger...kids know how to hurt you...and they do.

Thankfully it is well worth the effort!

[BethanyB]

I agree with the other posters when they say that teenagers say hurtful things when they are mad.

However, I do think you need to understand that an adopted child's need to find their birth parents is not a matter of them being "ungrateful" as it is not an adopted child's job to be grateful to you for loving them. Your love should be expected, not appreciated in a way where they need to feel grateful for being adopted. You need to understand that although you may adopt a child and love them and be the best parents in the world, there is a high chance that child will want to connect with their birth family in the future. That does not say anything about YOU. All that says is that your child wants to find out who they really are as far as genetics go. I know that if I were adopted, I would totally want to find my birth family. And it would not be for the reason of replacing my parents, but because I would just NEED to know what my bio family looks like and acts like and I would really want to know my story. Like why I was placed for adoption.

I think that children who are adopted by people who are NOT afraid of this and who are loving and open and supportive, are the ones who will be the closest to their children. Adopted children should not made to feel like they have to choose between their adoptive parents and their bio family. It's not fair.

[tentmaker1040]

It's not that I don't want them to meet their biological parents, it's just having them move on with their lives like I don't exist any more. My own kids, if God forbid go through some crisis, they will come back to us because we are their parents. I just don't want it to turn in to "Well this was temporary but now we just need to move on with our real lives. Our real parents are great. You could win the lottery, be elected to office, or go down in plane, we'll just forget all the effort. Biological kids will always come back...no guarantee adoptee's will ever return.

And I refuse to apologize for being hesitant or asking questions or not understanding it all...that's the beauty of life, asking questions!

[BethanyB]

It's not that I don't want them to meet their biological parents, it's just having them move on with their lives like I don't exist any more. My own kids, if God forbid go through some crisis, they will come back to us because we are their parents. I just don't want it to turn in to "Well this was temporary but now we just need to move on with our real lives. Our real parents are great. You could win the lottery, be elected to office, or go down in plane, we'll just forget all the effort. Biological kids will always come back...no guarantee adoptee's will ever return.

I understand where you are coming from and I know that many adoptive parents have had the thought that our kids will grow up and not want us or need us anymore but now that I am a parent I have NO fears about that whatsoever.

I disagree that biological kids will always come back. I know quite a few people who do not speak to their biological parents. There are people out there who do not speak to bio siblings or uncles or aunts. Relationships become strained and people distance themselves.

If you are a good parent to your child, and you love them and cherish them, why would they never come back to you? You can't live your life in fear of that.

If you adopt a child and avoid talking about his or her adoption or become upset when your child tells you he or she wants to make contact with their bio family, THAT will bad feelings. Just be supportive, love your child and your child will not just walk away and forget about you.

[cetalley]

Tentmaker, I am always so humbled to read a post from Dad's. When you do move forward to adopt, you will love and raise the child, no different than a child born from you. As parents if we raise them with love, compassion, honesty, and a good line of communication,and along with all other things that are required of any loving parent....believe me they will know who Mom & Dad are. If I were a child whom had been adopted, I would more than likely feel a need to know where I have originated from, whom I got my eyes from,hair color, big nose,...etc. This would be completely normal to yearn to know. Some do some do not. Alot , from what I have read on these forums choose not to , for the very reason you bring up...they wish to do no harm to their 'real" parents, and will wait until their parents pass on. I , personally feel sad for people who feel the need to wait until their parents pass on...only because this insinuates that they could never feel totally honest with their parents, in tells me possibly adoption was not talked about, not embraced as they were growing up. I have 1 son, whom I was blessed to raise, I have twin sons, I relinquished, the twins will be 23 yrs. next month! I would feel so sad they they harbored any feelings of negativity to meet me...based on the fact they wished to not upset their parents...this would make me feel as if they never were able to have a safe secure open relationship with their parents. We are responsible for our own feelings, it is time we teach our children this. I can only hope that I have allowed my son to feel free to choose whom he wishes in his life , regardless of MY feelings..for it is not about me. I have several family members I choose not to be around, but my son knows he is welcome to visit as much as he desires. I would also be very hurt, if my twin sons did not feel, loved enough by their parents of 23 yrs. to look them in the eyes and say they were not their "REAL" parents, this too would tell me they were not raised to be compassionate, loving,and more importantly with the security that we all need, for I was raised to respect my parents. My son was the normal teen, whom went through what most all teens do...but not 1 time did he disrespect me by saying hateful, mean and hurtful comments..just because he was having a "bad day"! I feel it really is in how we raise them, it is up to us to instill the security, and confidence! I might suggest you do as others have said ,go to all the forums read, talk, and yes ask. All are different, but seems to me if we try to keep some form of openess with the Firstmom, and her family, then the child should grow up knowing his/her heritage, with dignity, compassion, and yes...knowing and loving "THEIR REAL MOM AND DAD!" JMHO..welcome and thanks for posting, I do enjoy reading thoughts from the male point of view! I feel you will be just fine, and know exactly what to do. If I were to adopt, I would do as I have done with my son...I would tuck that child in each night, say those prayers, GOD blessing everyone...but I would most definately be secure enough, to GOD bless that childs firstmom! Of course, I migt be biased..since I am a firstmom, whom wishes open adoption was part of this journey! Blessings..C.J.

[loveajax]

Tent, my husband is both adopted and an adoptive dad. I don't know what the heck he said to his parents as a teenager and I wouldn't be surprised if he maybe said the same things your friends' son said. I also can't imagine a son that is closer to his parents than my husband (too close, some might say...my MIL is like Marie in Everybody Loves Raymond!!). My husband also has "reconnected" recently with his birth mom. I can only tell you again from personal experience this had nothing to do with the love he feels for his adoptive parents. In fact, I think the reason he was able to pursue reconnecting with her is because they have always loved and supported him.

I understand your concerns....as a parent, everyone wants to feel like they are "enough." The reality though is that adoptees DO have two sets of moms and dads and their desire to know their birth parents should never be viewed as a "disloyal" or "ungrateful" act, imo.

Anyway, welcome to the forums. Stick around. Meet with some adoptive families IRL, etc. I think you'll see that they are just "normal" families like anyone elses (well, I can't say mine is so normal some days..haha).

PS: I just wanted to add a quick story about what to me a "family" is. One day we were on vacation at a restaurant with my inlaws. My daugther was eating off "Papa's" plate, I was trying to get her to stop, my MIL was saying, "she's just a baby!," my DH was cracking up. Anyway, I looked around the table and just welled up and cried. Not one person was related biologically to another at that table and if anyone dared suggest that we weren't the happiest family in the place, they would have a watermelon between their ears!!

[sams-mommy]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Tent, my husband is both adopted and an adoptive dad. I don't know what the heck he said to his parents as a teenager and I wouldn't be surprised if he maybe said the same things your friends' son said. I also can't imagine a son that is closer to his parents than my husband (too close, some might say...my MIL is like Marie in Everybody Loves Raymond!!). My husband also has "reconnected" recently with his birth mom. I can only tell you again from personal experience this had nothing to do with the love he feels for his adoptive parents. In fact, I think the reason he was able to pursue reconnecting with her is because they have always loved and supported him.

I understand your concerns....as a parent, everyone wants to feel like they are "enough." The reality though is that adoptees DO have two sets of moms and dads and their desire to know their birth parents should never be viewed as a "disloyal" or "ungrateful" act, imo.

Anyway, welcome to the forums. Stick around. Meet with some adoptive families IRL, etc. I think you'll see that they are just "normal" families like anyone elses (well, I can't say mine is so normal some days..haha).

PS: I just wanted to add a quick story about what to me a "family" is. One day we were on vacation at a restaurant with my inlaws. My daugther was eating off "Papa's" plate, I was trying to get her to stop, my MIL was saying, "she's just a baby!," my DH was cracking up. Anyway, I looked around the table and just welled up and cried. Not one person was related biologically to another at that table and if anyone dared suggest that we weren't the happiest family in the place, they would have a watermelon between their ears!!

Thats such a great story!! I love it. and how true.
Tent, It is true that before we do anything important we should educate ourselves on the specific topic. It is good you are here to do just that. You will learn alot and the fact that your are even willing to learn and investigate instead of just saying "no" to your wife is very positive. I am an adoptive mom in an open adoption. I have picture in my home of my sons birthmom. And I show them to him and tell him how much she loves him all the time. I never thought I would be able to do this at the start of our adoption process either. It comes very naturally because I love my son so much, I want him to feel totally comfortable when the time comes to ask questions about where he came from and who he came from. It is a reality, adoptive parents didnt conceive and give birth to our children, so there will always be questions whether they ask or not. And asking and being able to ask is the healthy and natural way to go. Just for one second put yourself in that situation, if you found out right now you were adopted, what would be the first thing that popped into your mind????? Who are your biological parents! It is very normal and has nothing to do with the Adoptive Parents. I know I have said to my parents when I was a teenager, I wish you weren't my parents, I hate you! I didn't mean it, but I was mad at something and wanted to hurt them. Thats completely normal. And like previous poster said they don't know positive adoption language.
And I also agree that bio children don't always stick around, I know plenty that haven't.
I really hope you stick around and ask more questions and read peoples stories. I know not everyones story is positive, but most are and i can say Adopting my son made my dreams come true and it is so much more than I ever expected! Wouldn't want you to miss out on something so amazing because of one bad thing, many bio teenagers give their parents a run for their money.
Good luck on you journey.

[LibbyHawkins]

Originally Posted by sbaglio

Well, my response will be a little kinder to this, your first post. Welcome!

That was their experience, and although it has had an impact on your view, you shouldn't expect that the same will happen to you. It sounds like there may have been some underlying issues that you didn't elaborate on (why was he so angry at his adoptive parents?), nor do you have to.

Suffice to say that each adoption situation is different, each child is different, and each adoptive parent is different. You will find many, many people on this forum have gone through the adoption experience, and have not had anything happen that is close to what you describe.

I suggest that you do a lot of research about this before making up your mind. Go through the old threads on adoption.com, and participate in the newer ones. You'll learn a ton, as I did.

All the best!

I agree whole heartedly. Most teenagers are ungrateful, the adoption part could have little to do with that.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by tentmaker1040

It's not that I don't want them to meet their biological parents, it's just having them move on with their lives like I don't exist any more. !

i think that is a risk we all take . but i think the same could be said about biological kids. i have had friends whose children by birth have run away...turning their backs on their family. it happens. i don't want my adopted children to pretend i don't exist anymore either, but for me, it is a REAL possibility with one of my children. but i can't spend every day worrying about it. yes, after "all i have done for her" it is completely probable she will grow up and reject me. at which point i have decided that i will tell myself i did the best job i knew how to do, i will always love her, and i will always be here if she changes her mind. i have already told myself i will refuse to take it personally. in the meantime, i just try to raise her, one day at a time, and keep my fingers crossed....while continuing to give her the best of everything.

teenagers. let's face it...no matter how they came to be in your family, there will come a day (more likely DAYS) that they will seem ungrateful. trust me, there are many days that i think "ugh, i just bought you $60 shoes and you are going to treat me like THAT?" lol. it isn't fun even when it is just about a pair of shoes. but it isn't because they are adopted, it is because they are teenagers. and from what i can tell, teenagers like to practice how to be jerks. lol. i hear they outgrow it at 25. *fingers crossed* the thing is, there are WAY more days that my kids are awesome and helpful and appreciative- not because i adopted them, but because i do like to do nice things for them, they are thankful for dinner and new clothes and that i picked them up from school. but i have learned not to expect even that....so i am really thankful when they are thankful. lol!

all of my kids who can talk, talk about their first families. i think it is very healthy. i don't ever want them to feel like they need to sneak behind my back to locate someone. they all know that when they are adults, possibly earlier if the situation warranted, we would 100% help them and support them in finding their families, should that be something that they want. the truth of the matter is, as much as you ARE their "Real" parent, so are the first set. i think in the beginning, that is a tough swallow for adoptive parents. you want to be your child's everything. but i think that many people who start there, get to the point where they realize that adopted children come with a past, even if they come as babies. i think when you get there, and realize you can raise a healthy child who loves 2 sets of people in different ways, then you can come to accept that someday, your child may want to meet the person responsible for giving them the gift of life. and it won't bother you as much, because you will realize it is not a competition. that your child WILL in fact love that you stayed up late with them, helped them when they were sick, took them to ball games. those memories won't go away just because they met their birth parents.

the good news here is you are seeking information long before even getting started. as you progress you will learn more about what to expect....you'll sit through long classes, probably have to read some stuff, and spend countless hours talking to a social worker whose job it will be to make sure that your questions are answered and you know "what you are in for." lol. so hang in there....it is early in the game. i love my kids, who happen to be adopted. i could not love them any more than i do now if they had come out of my body. i promise you that. maybe i love them a little more because they didn't give me stretch marks. lol.