[fcsw78]

Tentmaker, what a great post you have started and just look at the support you are getting. First and foremost, education is the key, whether your adopting or raising birth children. Like I mentioned in my earlier post, read that book about the adoption process and what adoptive children go through as they grow older. The better understanding and awareness you have, the stronger your relationship will be.

If they grow older and as teenagers they walk out on you screaming that they are going to find their real parents because they hate you, then you know what? There was a breakdown somewhere in the parent-child relationship: which often times leads to poor communication. (and don't you dare think that birth-children don't run away, because they do).

One of the most important thing I have learned, through my life experiences and as a supervising social worker, when working with children is that they want to be genuinely loved, cared for, and feel that someone is invested in their lives. If you provide them with these, as well as working hard on maintaining open honest communication, then your child will never abandon you.

Additionally, adoptive children finding or wanting to know who their birth parents are is a natural and healthy process. It has absolutely nothing to do with you as an adoptive parent, but a part of their healthy development. They want to know where they came from (their roots) so that they develop that understanding and confidence that will enable them to look forward.

You know, I am planning on adopting one of my kids that I had worked with, and she's 14. She has absolutely no one, she would not had made it in the foster care system, and all she needed was someone to be genuinely invested in her life. When she gets into college, I told her that we will fly together to Guatemala to meet her birth-mother.

Being an adoptive parent is not for everyone, but as one great American, Collin Powell, said, " We have to start thinking of America as a family. We have to stop screeching at each other, stop hurting each other, and instead start caring for, sacrificing for, and sharing with each other. We have to stop constantly criticizing, which is the way of the malcontent, and instead get back to the can-do attitude that made America. We have to keep trying, and risk failing, in order to solve this country's problems. We cannot move forward if cynics and critics swoop down and pick apart anything that goes wrong to a point where we lose sight of what is right, decent, and uniquely good about America." We need to start working together, changing our way of life from 'I' to 'we', and ensuring the well-being of our children.

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by tentmaker1040

It's not that I don't want them to meet their biological parents, it's just having them move on with their lives like I don't exist any more. My own kids, if God forbid go through some crisis, they will come back to us because we are their parents. I just don't want it to turn in to "Well this was temporary but now we just need to move on with our real lives. Our real parents are great. You could win the lottery, be elected to office, or go down in plane, we'll just forget all the effort. Biological kids will always come back...no guarantee adoptee's will ever return.

And I refuse to apologize for being hesitant or asking questions or not understanding it all...that's the beauty of life, asking questions!

Honestly. Biological kids DO NOT always come back. I know people who have been at odds with their biological children and even when their child is down and out will refuse to go home. Like others have said the same way adoptive children can be hurtful and say nasty things is the same way biological kids can. Also the same way biological children can have a strong tie/ connection to you is the same way that an adoptive child can. Plus being an adoptive parent isnt about being appreciated by the child (though we hope they look back and appreciate what we do), what it is really about is helping a child in need and sharing the caring we have in our hearts and opening our homes

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by tentmaker1040

We were talking yesterday and I told her I might be willing if there was a "stipulation"...adopt a child who's parents are deceased. She wants to adopt a 5 or 6 year old which actually makes it harder because they will already come with adjustment problems. They now have to adapt to new rules, routines, beliefs, friends...

I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but after this I think that others are right and you may not be ready for adoption. First off adopting a child with "stipulations" means that you are not loving them unconditionally which is one of the primary ingredients for a healthy adoptive relationship. Plus, Any child has to adapt to a new routine. Even if your wife gave birth to a baby the newborn has to adapt to new way of nurishment, new way of sleeping, breathing, has to relate to people. No matter what child you get or how you get that child some adjustments will have to be done. There are alot of children who dont have adjustment issues. Some do and some dont. It sounds to me that you are LOOKING for reasons not to adopt. I know you have valid concerns but I dont think it is really in your heart to expand your family through adoption.

Best of luck to you and your wife.

[Xdad]

I find this thread very interesting. I am aware of the concerns of the adopting parent. Last year I finally made contact after 15 years of silence with the birthmom and current "mother" of my daughter. The adopted dad must be going crazy right now. I guess I took them by complete surprise. Although there was no drug/alcohol abuse, I think they thought this day would never come for some reason. This leads me to believe that they did NO research about the entire adoption process.
I also think back to the day when I "authorized" the adoption of my daughter... what kind of background check did they require to let this man adopt her? I was very young, as was the Adad, and I think we didn't look for support. Should I have done a background check on the Adad? Well, I assumed that because of his background (or the information that I got) that he would be fine and stable, more so than I at the time.
He married my ex, and along with her came my daughter. Was he so wrapped up in getting married that he didn't do ant research about what may happen down the road. From everything I read, most achildren do search for their bios.
It took me 10 years to get the nerve up to make contact, and express my feelings. I know the Adad is hurt by what is going on. I hope that this "hurt" doesn't affect my daughter, and keep her from the things she wants out of life.
I struggle from time to time as what is best for my daughter...the answer is honesty.
Teenagers must be the most difficult. I as a teenager, wanted NOTHING to do with my parents, and up until last year, I didn't (my father is still my father, but still dealing with that...he's in prison for life).

I do feel that our egos are the number one problem in the world on many levels.

I do not discount the fact that the Adad has been there from day one (although it was really like day 800) but the adad is assuming that I saw her picture last year and started thinking about making contact....This is so far from the truth...I had to "deal" with my decision from day... I don't know, what is 9x30=?

The shame, guilt and unhappiness that came along with that decision.

My silence was based on the birthmom's decision that I should never contact her. So, it took me these years to realize that a decision made at 21 is much like the decision of a teen.

I can sympathize with your reservations, and think that allot of this is based on your fears. We all fear. The only way to overcome fear is to learn about your fear. If it is something you don't understand, learn about it.

Be honest with yourself and those around you, and you'll find that we are all the same.

just my un-educated two cents.

I am glad that you have turned to the forum for support, and you'll find it.

It isn't about me, it's about my daughter.

[aspenhall]

This is what makes open adoption with living birth parents so attractive. there is NO FANTASY to prefer instead of reality.

The reality you know your birthparents and you know what they'd say. You never have to "go leave" because they've been in your life all along.

As far as not wanting to "share" your child....what do you think happens when they get married? A legal act creates a 2nd family for them. The in-laws become the family you must share them with.

And I always wished I was adopted, and I am estranged from my parents. My sister left to come live with me and she's not going back. She found a place that was better/easier/nicer/ and she loved more.

The problem isn't an ungreatful child, it's a dysfunctional family. Children crave stability and boundaries and play time with family members. If your only interactions are to criticize and put down, and you are uninvolved or not nice to be around, then your fears are valid, and it would damage ANY CHILD whether bio or adopted to be in your family.

I think you need to come to terms with sharing your child with multiple families. Because whether through adoption or marriage, or friends, it will happen.

None of them will do the job of "being the parent" but all will be considered family. That will still be your job, unless you do it so poorly that the child's needs aren't met and they must look elsewhere to get what they need.

Another thing is there is no such thing as an "adopted child" or "is adopted". That implies that the word adoption describes the CHILD, rather than the act which brought the child to the family.

You should try to use the words "child who we adopted" or "was adopted".

Adoption is an event, not an adjective. Negative terms can be found everywhere. And although they hurt, it isn't always meant that way.

Parenting, whether through adoption or biological, means that you must do things to encourage attachment, and you must expect hurtful comments and know how to deal with them in a healthy way. You'll need to be able to handle other people coming into your child's life and being accepted as family.

Once you can come to terms with those expectations, you'll see adoption really has nothing to do with your fears.