[lovemy6]

Originally Posted by tentmaker1040

I have no problem with an adopted child meeting their birth parents...I just don't want them to use the term "real parents".

Sure biological kids will say hurtful things, but they can never say, "we found parents that can do even better than you"..we'll be the only thing they know.

It just seem like all you adoptive parents are doing yourself an injustice and even being somewhat false by suggesting you'll be 100% okay with a child just packing up and leaving you in the dust and telling you they've found someone they think they love more.

As an adoptive father that get left behind, just I just do a happy dance? Maybe celebrate? Buy a big cake? No, I am going to be angry and betrayed.

I would feel the same way if my kids left me and never looked back. The fact of the matter is, that's the risk in adoption.

There are TONS of risks we take in adoption. The child could have RAD, FAS, risk for mental health issues that weren't disclosed. The sw's lie about the situations in order to place kids.

There are also risks with having bio kids. They could inherit the worse of our genes. They could get mixed up with the wrong crowd and get into drugs, violence, gangs. They could drop out of school, get pregnant, and live with a dead-beat man who beats her.

There are just NO guarantees with becoming a parent. Our hearts WILL be broken by our kids! Our kids WILL make mistakes. WE WILL make mistakes. It's all an inevitable part of life.

Are the risks worth taking? That's the question you have to ask yourself!

[lovemy6]

Oh, and I also hate the term Real Parents. My kids were 3, 5, 10, and 12 when they came to us. Our older two used the term Real Mom when they came to us. I asked what *I* am then. They didn't know. I asked them if I made them feel any less my REAL child bc I didn't give birth to them. They said no. I asked them how I felt if I referred to my biosons as my REAL kids. They said they'd be hurt. I asked them how they thought I feel when they call her REAL. They said I probably feel hurt. I told them I do. On their own they stopped calling her Real Mom and started referring to her as their Biomom.

Communication with your kids is key whether they're bio or adopted.

[dpen6]

Then tent, the adoption is all about you and not the child.

If yoiu don't see them as your "real" child, if they can't see thenselves as "real" with the fact that they were born to another family...then it probably won't work for you.

BTW...there is no one saying that adoptive children just leave for better pastures. Thats doesn't happen often...most of the time adoptive children consider theior aparents to be their parents....if in fact the parent is able to raise them to feel "real" and not beholden to the adults that chose to rasie them......Most of us adopted peole feel very grateful for our parents....because they parenting us...as "their, real" child. Because they allowed us most of the time to be who we were "really"...that is born to one and raised by another. I think the most successful adoptive parents respect their kids for the people they are..whether they are acting like the 2 yo they are, 10 yo they are or the teen brat that they may be..they deal with it and understand that its devoplmental and act accordenly and get get out of their own skin and parent.

My parents did 4 of us and not one of us went running home to biofamilies and we are all in our 40's and 50's. All but one found out who their bioparents were and it was NEVER to hurt our parents but to help ourselves and our children.

I think its kind of scary for any child to come into your family through adoption and you are already looking at them with suspicion that they are going to run to their bio..not that they need parents that love them unconditionally but that they will hurt you. Its kind of telling me that adoption is more about your wants and needs as opposed to the childs.

[tentmaker1040]

BRAVO!!! I totally appulad you...

See everyone? Here's someone who called their kids out on it "How would you feel if I called my bio kids my 'real kids'...kudos

[crick]

Originally Posted by tentmaker1040

BRAVO!!! I totally appulad you...

See everyone? Here's someone who called their kids out on it "How would you feel if I called my bio kids my 'real kids'...kudos

I think you'll find a lot of parents who adopt deal with this statement from time to time. You'll also find that they discuss the issue with their child. No one here is denying that statement gets said or that it hurts. What they are trying to tell you is that being a parent is not always easy, there are no guarantees and that is true regardless if you adopt or not.

Parenting means loving your child even when they hurt you. Doesn't mean "Oh, my child can call me whatever they want and I'll be just fine". It means "Dang that hurt, this stinks, I'm angry etc. but I still love my child".

They are also trying to tell you if you have such stipulations and expectations, then you really need to consider this strongly and find ways to further educate yourself about adoption in general. Read some of the books suggested to you and see what you think after that.

I do think with your stipulations and mind set, you are not the right parent for an older child at all. Maybe an infant adoption if you can get past the "Real" thing, and . But please do not adopt an older child as I don't think you are a strong enough person to handle it. JMO.

[snuffie]

Oh, come on Tentmaker. So many people are trying to tell you something so much more than the "real" thing you are hung up on. I have an idea. Re-read the posts taking the "real" thing out. What so many others have said is that "ya it isn't easy hearing out kids say hurtful things be they adopted or biological." BUT there will be times when they will all say things that hurt.

If you can't get past some of the issues that you have - how will you be able to open your heart completely to a child? Will you be able to fall in love completely with your baby without fear in the background. And later on in the tough teenage years when they WILL say things you don't want to hear, will you be able to see beyond their words? Will you be able to get past your feelings and think of your childs?

It doesn't sound like you are ready at this point.

[bethy724]

Not to be discouraging but I agree your not ready for adoption. If words can close your heart to your child you should hold off. My 5 year old told me he wanted to put me in the garbage can when I took away a priveledge-is it because he's adopted-NO - will he use hurtful words when he's older - YES - adopted or not.

You teach your children by example, words & emotions - if you don't feel an adopted child is your "real" child you shouldn't adopt at this time. Parenting is about the child not you; if your geared up for rejection you will be rejected.

[Dickons]

Adoptee here....

Originally Posted by tentmaker1040

I have no problem with an adopted child meeting their birth parents...I just don't want them to use the term "real parents".

Tent...you would be the parent and hopefully would teach your child to not do things that would hurt others...

Sure biological kids will say hurtful things, but they can never say, "we found parents that can do even better than you"..we'll be the only thing they know.

What about their friends parents who are way to cool...

It just seem like all you adoptive parents are doing yourself an injustice and even being somewhat false by suggesting you'll be 100% okay with a child just packing up and leaving you in the dust and telling you they've found someone they think they love more.

I doubt anyone would be okay with that...your friend may have experienced that but it may have happened regardless of the reason stated, i.e. adoption...there are always 3 sides to a story, 1st person's side, 2nd person's side and the 3rd side is usually the truth inbetween...

As an adoptive father that get left behind, just I just do a happy dance? Maybe celebrate? Buy a big cake? No, I am going to be angry and betrayed.

But who would you be angry with? You or your child? We all create our own destiny by our words and actions...if you believe something bad will happen you may unconsciously create the scenario for it to happen.

Please do not tar and feather all adoptees based on a one sided view.

Kind regards,
Dickons

Edited because I have yet to figure out how to do the quoting thing...

[BethanyB]

I agree with the others. You are not ready yet. It does sound like this is all about you and that just is not fair to the child. If you raise a child with this suspicion and this negative attitude, they very well will feel it and it may keep you two apart.

Children who are adopted come from other parents. That is what adoption is about. You can't erase that, no matter how hard you try. Not if they are dead, and not if they are living in another country.

My children are not even the same race I am, they look nothing like me yet I feel just as real as the next mom. They KNOW we look different, they have questions but my biggest concern is THEM. How do I raise them to be confident and proud? How can I be there for them through the times they wonder about the birthfamily they come from?

I love my kids so much it's scary. I know they feel that. And curiosity about their birth family says nothing about me or their love for me. I can either choose to help them through it and support and validate their feelings or I can make it about me and try to shut them out.

If I tried to shut them out and erase their past, I wouldn't blame them for running off to find family who understands.

[belleinblue1978]

When my parents adopted me, one of my first parents was dead. He passed on while my first mom was pregnant with me. Does that erase that I still have a second father? Heck no. Does that mean that I thought that I was going to run off and find a better mom when I was older? Heck no.

Sometimes when people find their first parents and get their questions answered they find out that their life growing up was truly better. From the little bits and pieces that I know, I'm pretty sure I got the better deal than my siblings that my first mom parented. That doesn't mean though that I wouldn't like to know her. That certainly doesn't replace my mom though. Lordy, I'm 31 and my mom is still there to pick me up when things go crappy, take my cat to the vet when I can't.... the list goes on and on.

Now I'm a first mom too. My son knows me, but I'm definitely not his mom. I'm no less real and his parents wouldn't be HIS mom and dad without me. They wouldn't have the wonderful little being that is Kiddo. I know full well my role though and if he, as a teenager, ever came to me and wanted to live with me b/c he liked me more than his mom and dad, I'd tell him that was nice, but you're not living with me because I'm not your mom.

I'm a good person, there isn't a darn thing wrong with me, but I chose not to be his mom. Was that hard? Heck yeah! I have a good life though and I'm not complaining.

I have to agree with the others, you aren't ready to adopt. Kids do and say awful stuff. I work with teenagers that have been involved in things most of us couldn't conceive of. Kids lash out at their caregivers, it is a normal thing. It isn't a good day at work if I don't get called a fat b***** at least one. I did, even when I was older and I knew I should be grateful to my parents. I have spent the last five years rebuilding my relationship with them. You know what? Not a single little bit of that had to do with finding my first family, not a single bit. We do what we'll do, adopted or not, whether we search or not.....

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by tentmaker1040

BRAVO!!! I totally appulad you...

See everyone? Here's someone who called their kids out on it "How would you feel if I called my bio kids my 'real kids'...kudos

what are you talking about?

This is the crux of the problem you are so hung up on them calling you not real...you jumped at the chance when someone else said their children are real....if in fact your post was directed at me...I am not an adoptive parent...I am an adoptee....There are many people that can't get passed the real or unreal...we as adoptees oftne wonder if our parents would feel differntly if we were bio. Many adoptee have had to live with the fact that MANY of their own family memenbers don't see them in the same light as the rest of the famiily because there is no bio connection, they live with the fact that many in society see them as less then just because they are adopted. The one constant I had in my life was that my parents were a huge stabilzing prescence in my life. My brother did shout that my mom was't real...thankfully she didn't react with the self centered, insercure way you would have reacted.she just smiled and said your "real
" mother would make you do that too," many aparents on these forums have realted stories about their kids saying the same thing..their reaction? Often telling them that if I am so fake then you can not take my fake car, use my fake money ect. Then drops it....kid usually comes around.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by tentmaker1040

I have no problem with an adopted child meeting their birth parents...I just don't want them to use the term "real parents".

Sure biological kids will say hurtful things, but they can never say, "we found parents that can do even better than you"..we'll be the only thing they know.

It just seem like all you adoptive parents are doing yourself an injustice and even being somewhat false by suggesting you'll be 100% okay with a child just packing up and leaving you in the dust and telling you they've found someone they think they love more.

As an adoptive father that get left behind, just I just do a happy dance? Maybe celebrate? Buy a big cake? No, I am going to be angry and betrayed.

Wow. I'm struggling to know how to put what I want to say plainly but in a compassionate way. I would think that ANY parent, regardless of how their child/children joined their family, would find it incredibly hard to have their child "pack up and leave them in the dust". That would be pretty tough. My family has experienced such a thing with a BIOLOGICAL child. This person didn't say "I have parents who can do better than you"... no, they didn't have anywhere else to run but they ran anyway. And no one really knows why, which to me, seems much harder to take than your scenario.

Even if your child knows that you are their only parents, that doesn't guarantee that they won't struggle in a relationship with you. Just like I can almost guarantee that there are countless stories of children who joined a family who live in healthy reunions with their biological families while continuing in healthy relationships with their adoptive families. And I am certain there are just as many children who joined a family through adoption who are happy with things as they are in their adoptive family.

I might respectfully suggest that this is more of a parenting issue that you might probe in yourself rather than whether or not you want to adopt. There are no guarantees in parenting. None. Kids can get sick and die and leave you. Kids can choose a career that takes them across the country and they leave you. Kids can chooses spouses who choose not to make it easy for their child to be with their family of origin. Kids can choose all sorts of things that might make your relationship less than the ideal you want. But kids being kids and free will and all, it's their choice. And it's your choice as a parent to raise them to be who they are meant to be, and then let them be who they are. Bio or not, this IMO, is a constant.

ETA this... and I don't get the whole language obsession, and never will, with the word "real". I don't get why it matters. It's obvious everyone is pretty real, and I just don't see what it solves to correct a child who might say this... wouldn't it be better and more loving to say "let's talk about this..." in a kind way rather than the more harsh way I often see people describing. Could it possibly be that they don't know any different? Especially if they were adopted after being in the care of others, including biological family... maybe they are really wondering where they really belong. And if we as parents get all hurt over one little word, we're missing a chance to see a side of our children and an opportunity to help us all grow to a greater understanding of what it means to be family. Geesh...to me there are so many more issues than pounding the issue of titles with our kids. My DD, who turned five yesterday, received an ecard from her first mom, sister and grandparents. In talking about who K was, she said "she's my Momma". I guess I should have ruined a pretty amazing moment (her first mom has not done any form of communicating with us for a VERY long time) my correcting her because she calls me Momma. But it wasn't about me and how real a Momma I am to her, it was about the fact that her first Momma is becoming more real to her. That is what mattered. Not about me and my needs but about her and her needs.

Regards...

[JustPeachy]

The ungrateful teenager now says "I want to find my REAL parents. They were heartbroken.

While I understand this is a hard statement to take, there are many more "heartbreaking" things that come out of the average teenager's mouth, and a lot of things that are worse. I'm not proud of it, but I used cuss words when I was a teen at my mom. I was very rebellious and in a bad place. Some of the things I said, if I repeated here, would probably curl your toes. And I'm her BIO child.

They said we have no problems with you want to find your parents, but what is this REAL B.S. Just because 2 people had sex doesn't make them REAL parents. Real parents are the ones that sit up with you till 4 am because you are sick, who help you with your homework, etc. What are we, just place holders. The respnse was worse.."Yes you did all that, but you still aren't my real parents

Honestly, if they responded as you state here verbatim, I feel for the kid. I think the teen did not use the "P.C." terminology, but if you replace "real" parents with "bio" or "birth" parents, the real message becomes clear. Truth is, the adoptive parents are not the bio parents, and there is a great need for many adoptees to have that (also) very real piece of their heritage. Your friends sound very inexperienced. I think anyone going into adoption should anticipate that their child will have at least some curiosity about their biological background. There is nothing "ungrateful" about this. The fact is, BOTH sets of parents, bio and adoptive, are real. While it is hurtful to hear "I want to find my REAL parents" or worse, "You are not my real parents!" I don't think it is helpful to lash out at the child over this or get into a competitive mind-set by denigrating the birthparents (i.e. "it takes more than having sex to raise a baby, and I'm the one who stayed up all night with you and did the REAL work," etc., etc.) Talk about a guilt trip! Not to mention it will only push the child/teen away if you put down their birthparents like that.

As a birthmom, I am very well aware that I didn't do the hard work of raising my son. But I did do the hard work of carrying a pregnancy to term and making an adoption plan, in addition to experiencing the most tremendous loss, a loss which allowed someone else to be parents and my son to have a better life than I felt I could provide. We both took on roles, I as a birthmom and my son's parents as his parents, willingly, knowing (for the most part) the difficulties and trials and tribulations. My contribution was more than "just two people having sex" and frankly I find that wording extremely disrespectful as it undermines the contribution the birthparents make, which is never easy. In doing this, a couple who very much wanted to have children but couldn't were able to be the parents they wanted to be and that I wanted for my son. I consider my son's mom his mom, period. But I also know I'm his mom, too. And she acknowledges me in this manner, although I would never call myself his parent. That is her title. But the fact that she would even acknowledge me and share the title of mother with me is something that I am very deeply moved by. I would hope if my son ever said something like "I want to know my real mom" she would not respond in the manner of your friends, or feel as though she was a placeholder, but would understand typical teenage behaviour, or else understand he meant "bio" or "birthmom" and not feel threatened or undermined by it. I certainly wouldn't want her to feel this way. I don't want to be in competition with her. We are both my son's real mom, each in our own way. I cannot replace her, and she cannot replace me, and I get very frustrated when I hear others turn this issue into a p*ssing contest of who is really "real."

This is probably harsh, but it seems to me you would have a hard time dealing with any child right now, whether bio or adopted. As many have rightly pointed out, even bio children can become estranged after you raised them or can give you all kinds of h*ll growing up. You never really know what you will get. Having expectations of gratitude or getting anything else in return for your choice to have kids is only setting yourself up for disappointment down the road and putting demands on your kids that will likely backfire. I would examine further your reasons for wanting children and really get better educated about adoption before agreeing to go into it.

[binkybear]

Hi Tentmaker1040,

I'm going to go out on a limb here and take a guess at your user name (I like to do that out here, wonder what's in a name....it's odd, I know )

If giving advise purely on that element alone I'd suggest that adoption preparations require "strength training" just like other critical parts of life. The research, preparations, and soul searching you do now is ciritcal to you being (or not being) a parent via adoption.

In life there are times when people might not be ready to hear what others are speaking to them about, maybe because of fear or hurt. They may be closed off or sure they have all the answers already. Sometimes it just takes encouragment and faith, an open mind and an open heart.

From a purely religious stance God directly commands us to honor our father and our mother, to hold them valuable. How sad if we deny our children that ability (to simply hold value to both their adoptive and biological fathers and mothers) for our own selfish or fearful reaons. kwim?

Again, this post here will mean zip if I've made an error in that initial "what's in a name".

Good luck in your journey. Keep an open mind and ear, the people will assist you if you let them.

[TxMom65]

Originally Posted by tentmaker1040

Sure biological kids will say hurtful things, but they can never say, "we found parents that can do even better than you"..we'll be the only thing they know.

Of course they will. ALL of their friends' parents will be nicer, smarter, cooler, and better parents than you. I even thought it myself.
Seriously though, you can't control the thoughts of anyone and to try to suppress these feelings in a child is harmful.