[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by tentmaker1040

My wife wants to adopt, and I am hesitant. Before everyone throws something at me, let me explain. I had some friend who adopted. They raised the child, put them through school, feed them, etc. The ungrateful teenager now says "I want to find my REAL parents. They were heartbroken. They said we have no problems with you want to find your parents, but what is this REAL B.S. Just because 2 people had sex doesn't make them REAL parents. Real parents are the ones that sit up with you till 4 am because you are sick, who help you with your homework, etc. What are we, just place holders. The respnse was worse.."Yes you did all that, but you still aren't my real parents

First off, welcome to the forums.

Secondly, I've worked with teenagers as a youth pastor for almost two decades. I know that they will say alot of things when they are angry. If I were in your friend's shoes, I would choose to explore their kiddo's feelings and get to the root of the problem rather than assume that he/she just wants to get away from the family that raised them. The issues may or may not be related to this child's adoption. The teen years are rough on everyone.

Lastly, I would challenge you not to make your decision based solely on the parenting experience of a friend. Your experience and your child would be unique regardless of how they came into your life. If you don't want to adopt, find your own reasons for it. My experience has given me a healthy fear of the teenage years. I have spent alot of time helping families through crisis and now am hoping with all I got that I'll be able to actually get through it with my own kids. Fortunately for all of us, we have a few more years to prepare for that time, and we're doing the work to do that.

I hope things work out for your family, whatever you choose.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by tentmaker1040

It's not that I don't want them to meet their biological parents, it's just having them move on with their lives like I don't exist any more. My own kids, if God forbid go through some crisis, they will come back to us because we are their parents. I just don't want it to turn in to "Well this was temporary but now we just need to move on with our real lives. Our real parents are great. You could win the lottery, be elected to office, or go down in plane, we'll just forget all the effort. Biological kids will always come back...no guarantee adoptee's will ever return.

And I refuse to apologize for being hesitant or asking questions or not understanding it all...that's the beauty of life, asking questions!

Don't apologize for being hesitant to adopt. I think it is healthy to explore all these things before making such a monumental choice for your family. Believe me, we asked tons of questions about all this before we made the decision and in the end, it was still a leap of faith, but we did the best we could to know as much as we could about what we were choosing to do.

I will respectfully disagree with your statement that bio children are GUARANTEED to return home no matter what. It just isn't true based on my own family experience and the experience of many families I know who have children estranged from the family. One of my family members (everyone is biologically related with the exception of my children both of whom were adopted at birth) is terminally ill and doesn't have much time left and that hasn't been enough reason for another family member to return home. If that isn't reason enough, I don't know what is. For me, that example alone disproves your statement.

And furthermore, parenting is risky. It's hard on the heart. And it doesn't matter how your children join your family. Yes, children who were adopted have some different issues they might be dealing with, but there are no guarantees. We as parents are raising people with free will, with the ability to choose who they love as much as the didn't get to choose who would love them. It's just the way it is. Do I fear that my beautiful daughter and precious son will someday say the words your friends heard from their child? Yes. But honestly, I expect to hear them. I expect it to be a part of the process of them reconciling who they are and the choices made on their behalf before they were able to make choices themselves. But I can't live in fear that they might leave me someday... that wouldn't do any of us any good. All I can do is be the kind of parent with all my faults, and as frustrating as I am to them already sometimes, and trust that we will face whatever we face head on and together. Emphasizing the together.

And one last thing, just remember that whatever child joins your family whether via biology or adoption, they will be your OWN child. Either way, they will be as REAL to you as your child as you are to them as their REAL parent. That to me would be a starting place in making this decision... would you be able to see a child born of another and adopted into your family as your REAL child?

[dpen6]

Excellant post tammy!!! Have been watching this thread and as an adoptee I don't need to respond..you guys got my back!!!

Tent..it is perfectly approriate for you to ask questions for both you and most importantly the child that would grace your family.they desrve well informed parents.

[fcsw78]

From my viewpoint, as a mental health professional, you have to understand that this is a normal process for adopted children, especially as they enter their adolescent years. Your friend should have looked into therapy when the child was young, but can still start now to allow the child to better understand. Or if you decide to go with the adoption, ensure that is included in the package.

Adolescent is a difficult stage, going through both emotional, psychological, and physical changes. Adoption is a complicated issue: birth parents, adoptive parents, real parents, adoptive daughter, real daughter. According to Erik Erickson's theory, our lives are broken up into various stages. The adolescent years are when one forms his or her own identity (by integrating the past, present, and future). In order for this particular child to form her identity, there is a need to know where it is that she came from. Does this mean that she will abandon the adoptive parents and go to her birth parents? Not necessarily. She will most likely realize the different meanings to all of the terminologies and come to terms that though her birth-mother may have given her life, she was never capable of being her parent (whatever the reason may be).

My advice to you, is to be educated and read, The Family of Adoption, by Joyce Pavao. This will help you with your anxieties and allow to you to gain a better understanding.

Most importantly, when your adoptive child questions their past, do not try to hide or abandon the topic all together. This is a normal process that they will face in their lifetime, girls will start to look for birth-parents sooner than boys, a need to understand where it is she or he had came from. So do not take it personally, like you have failed as an adoptive parent. Communication is the most important aspect of any relationship, so make sure to develop and maintain that with your adoptive child(ren).

Hope this helps.

[tentmaker1040]

We were talking yesterday and I told her I might be willing if there was a "stipulation"...adopt a child who's parents are deceased. She wants to adopt a 5 or 6 year old which actually makes it harder because they will already come with adjustment problems. They now have to adapt to new rules, routines, beliefs, friends...

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by tentmaker1040

We were talking yesterday and I told her I might be willing if there was a "stipulation"...adopt a child who's parents are deceased. She wants to adopt a 5 or 6 year old which actually makes it harder because they will already come with adjustment problems. They now have to adapt to new rules, routines, beliefs, friends...

the deceased parent adoption is a)not very likely, but b) so much harder than contending with an alive parent....i think. i have 2 kids we adopted whose primary parent is deceased. i am compared to that parent more than any other parent of any of my other children. bc that parent is no longer alive, the children have chosen to forget her less-than-appropriate parenting style and the negative things that happend to them while in her care. she will ever be immortalized as the perfect parent that i will never measure up to. every anniversary of her death is AWFUL around here. the fall out starts a week before. it is not fun. plus, just bc the parent is deceased, doesn't mean the child will not want to search for first family members when they are older- siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. you can not adopt a child and expect that they will never wonder where it is they "came from," even if both of their birth parents are deceased. i don't mean to burst your bubble, but just want to share what i have learned.

i encourage you to pay attention in your adoption training, and ask LOTS of questions. trainings can be very helpful...and can be a time that you can get answers to your questions and decide if this is for your family or not. adoption is not for everyone, and that's okay.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by tentmaker1040

We were talking yesterday and I told her I might be willing if there was a "stipulation"...adopt a child who's parents are deceased. She wants to adopt a 5 or 6 year old which actually makes it harder because they will already come with adjustment problems. They now have to adapt to new rules, routines, beliefs, friends...

It really sounds like you are struggling with the idea that your child, if you choose to adopt, will have other family besides you. This is definitely something you would have to come to terms with before adopting. Regardless of whether an adopted child's first parents are alive or deceased, they still have another family. And it may seem that they don't have anyone to "run to" when they're mad, but they still have an "other", a family that isn't you. I have seen alot of parents through adoption try to deny their child's birth family's existence and it just doesn't work. Alive or deceased, whether you know lots or little about the child's other family, they still exist. That's reality.

And yes, an older child will come with some adjustment issues. I might add that these issues most probably would be magnified if the child came to be adopted because their first parents died... just something to think about. If the first/birth parents are not available, there is no chance for reconciliation of the child's feelings. I know we will be dealing with this in one of our children's lives, maybe both, as we don't know the identity and/or location of some of their first parents. IMO it gives a family through adoption one less piece of the puzzle of a child's life.

I urge you strongly to continue to ask questions and think things through. These are weighty issues and I appreciate the fact you are asking the questions and voicing your concerns.

May I recommend that you seek out counseling by someone who works with families who have adopted/are adopting an older child from foster care? I know that before our homestudy through children's services was able to start, we were required to do many hours of "training" which really helped us gain some perspective on what we might be facing by adopting first of all, and then, adopting an older child from foster care.

[bethy724]

Please look a little deeper in your interest in adoption. Your child will hate you in their teen years (sometimes younger) wheather you give birth or adopt (a child w/ live or dead bio parents)

I would NEVER compete w/ a decesed parent. You will compte w/ your wife, grandparents, a favorite teacher, a neighbor & of course all of your childrens friends "perfect parents"

When you adopt - that child is in YOUR family. Yes, they have biological ties & family that can't be ignored but embraced. If you can't wrap your brain around that you should hold off & pray on it or continue on this site for some guidence. There are PLENTY of people that cut off their bio parents - there are no guarentees in life that if you give birth that entitles you from being abandoned. If you raise a child as if they are temporary (to save your own feelings) they will be temporary. Kids take the lead of their parents & can tell when they are being held an arms length away-I've seen it w/ my own eyes. My son was accepted the second he was placed in my arms by my family except for 1 aunt-she was going to wait until after the adoption to be called "aunt" well even at 2 years old when she flipped the switch my son didn't follow - kids (babies) are smart-she lost the 1st 2 years of his life protecting her feelings & lost a nephew for life.

7-11 years ago I couldn't grasp adopting - loving a child that wasn't "mine" I get it & have lived w/ those feelings - I had to work thru them before I could be a mom, now I can't imagine loving a person more - I don't think I could love a person that I gave birth to more-it't not possible - but it took me years to get here & it sounds like you need some time & a little more information than one friend that adopted. Look at people w/ bio kids - they may not to be a quick to air their families dirty laundry - but their homes are far from perfect.

[RavenSong]

Dear Tentmaker,

If you are hesitant about wanting to adopt a child, then I think it's important to wait until you have resolved your own feelings about it. Adoption is not suitable for everyone. Perhaps it's not a viable way for you to build your own family. Only you know what the answer is.

If you're going to put a stipulation on adopting, such as the child having both parents being dead, I think you're going to wait a very long time... I also question why you would want to only adopt a child whose birthparents are dead.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't adopt a child. But I am saying that I hope you know your own motivations and capabilities. There are many prospective adoptive parents who already know in their own hearts that adoption is a good way to build their families. If you're adopting a child just to please your wife, then I think you really need to question this whole thing. It's not fair to the child...

[Adoption_Ally]

I have a few thoughts:

First of all - anyone who expects gratitude from a teenager (adopted, birthchild or alien) is going to wait for a long time. Like years - maybe decades. Unfortunately, it's the nature of the beast.

Secondly - If you have having children (again, adopted, birth or alien) solely for their company in your old age, you may be very lonely. Sometimes they stay around, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they leave and come back and sometimes they leave and never come back. Each is his/her own person, and will live out life the way they choose. You are their parent, but you can't control how they are as adults.

I do want to step in a bit with the whole 'find my parents' issue. I fully understand why an adoptee would be interested in finding his/her birth family. However, I fully and freely admit that it wasn't something I wanted to cope with, and that's why I adopted internationally. I have told my son (now 25) what I know about his birth family, but the circumstances of my daughter's birth were such that no one has any idea or will ever know who her birthparents are.

That does bring up a whole host of other issues with these kids, and I'm not minimizing their loss. I have told my son that I fully expect him to be really furious at me for taking him away from everything he ever knew. I will NOT apologize for adopting him, but can understand his anger. DD is only 10 and no where near asking those questions.

I hope someday that both my children can go back to their birthcountries and learn more about their heritage.

Just please be a little more understanding of those of us who chose a different route to adoption in part because we never wanted birthparents knocking on our door. It doesn't make us any less of a parent.

[loveajax]

Tent, please do not take this the wrong way, but I do not think you are ready to adopt. And that is perfectly ok. Please don't adopt to appease your wife. My dh (who is a very "happy" adoptee himself) was hesitant to adopt. It was after a long time and some serious soul searching that he was finally ready. I hope you and your wife can be on the same page. It is hard, believe me. Best of luck to you...I also just have to recommend meeting irl adoptive families and learning as much as you can, karen

[TxMom65]

It sounds like you aren't ready to adopt. This may not be a popular statement, but the truth is that even death can't erase the fact that the child was belonged to another mom and dad. Each person is different in their need or desire to find and have contact with their roots. You can't predict how it will be in 17 years but you really can't do that even if you give birth to a child.

Research adoption if you think you want to adopt. If you think you don't, then you are probably right.

[snuffie]

Welcome Tentmaker.
I just happened upon this thread and read it all of the way through. You have gotten a lot of good advice here and then I read further down the thread and you talked about putting the "stipulation" on any adoption that the child's parents be deceased! It made me think that whatever the others have said really didn't matter that you may still be afraid that any child you adopt will still want to know their biological parents.
I guess my question is what would be so wrong with that? I am a reunited adoptee. My bmom is deceased and I have reunited with my bsiblings. Yes, it is one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. I now know who I look like, act like and we do feel a very strong connection. BUT my adoptive parents are and always will be my REAL parents. Why is it so wrong in your mind for a someone to know their roots? Does that make you think that they will love you less? That is not so. Even if both parents are deceased an adopted child may still want to talk with birth relatives.

Also, even if you had biological kids as teenagers I guarantee they will say things that may hurt. I've raised two biological kids and can attest first hand to that!

I, also, do not think you are ready to adopt. There will never be a promise made that a child won't say hurtful things, won't want to look for their biological parents and I don't think that would be fair to a child to make "stipulations".

Snuffie

[Asha0314]

Hi,
Nothing is guaranteed from your children, whether they are biological or adopted. I have seem such sad situations in families with biological ties-adults sons and daughters betray their parents in such hurtful way, with strangers or even other family members, or act like they really hate their parents, and the parents weren't monsters, they just didn't see "eye to eye" and raising them a certain way is no guarantee of anything, either. These situations are not the norm and I don't mean to to ramble, but just to say you shouldn't adopt "expecting" anything because nothing is guaranteed. If you go into adoption otherwise, it won't promote a healthy relationship with your child and neither of you will be happy. Each person is unique and will be their own person, our control in raising them goes only so far and we have to be prepared to be the parents regardless.

Finally, as an adoptive parent, should my child decide to seek out birth family I will do all I can to assist. I don't believe a person should go into adoption if they are not comfortable with the idea that the child may seek out their birth family at some point in their lives. That is something really hard to get away from in adoption, it just goes with the territory.

[tentmaker1040]

I have no problem with an adopted child meeting their birth parents...I just don't want them to use the term "real parents".

Sure biological kids will say hurtful things, but they can never say, "we found parents that can do even better than you"..we'll be the only thing they know.

It just seem like all you adoptive parents are doing yourself an injustice and even being somewhat false by suggesting you'll be 100% okay with a child just packing up and leaving you in the dust and telling you they've found someone they think they love more.

As an adoptive father that get left behind, just I just do a happy dance? Maybe celebrate? Buy a big cake? No, I am going to be angry and betrayed.