[greendragonfly1028]

Hi,

A little background...


My husband and I started our dating relationship while I was pregnant. He has been a part of my daughter's life since before she was born. He adopted her when she was 2; he is the only daddy she knows. I am in contact with her biological grandmother. Her father just had another child. I am trying to figure out if I should tell my daughter that her daddy is not her father or not. I found out at 18 the man that I thought was my father was not. It was one of the most devestating things that has ever happened to me. I don't want my daughter to ever feel that kind of hurt or anger. My daughter is now 5 1/2. Please help.M

[sbaglio]

I haven't been in your situation, but can weigh in. I think you answered your own question. It appears that you know what you should do. The age at which you should tell her, however, is one I'd have to defer to others on.

[daddysangel]

Both my wife and I have been the only parents our first born has ever known.She is now 9yrs old and we were forced by the courts to tell her roughly around 6 yrs old.

It made no differance to her.We are mom and dad.

I can not see any change in myself between the way I raise her compared to our 2nd daughter who is our biological daughter.I am both dad/daddy/father to both of them.

What I read in your post almost sounds like maybe you are afraid or your husband is,that maybe she will look at him in a differant way.You state that when you were 18 you found out that the MAN you thought was your father was not.I would think that if your husband is her daddy and her father and she is treated that way that she will not care.I am a man sure, but I am not a man to my daughters.Like I said I am dad/daddy/father.They treat me as I am and I treat them as daughters. When I address her I do not say " Hey you the one that is not mine".

If your husband has a good solid relationship (daughter/Daddy) with her then I do not think you have anything to worry about.

We also did not just come out and say " Oh by the way your not our bio daughter" We told her slowly and also through our actions for 6 yrs and verbally told her it makes no differance to us and you are our child in every sense of the word.

Hope that helps
GOD BLESS

[kzeer]

My wife and I have been waiting for our first child (adoption) from Guatemala for almost two years. We've been through it all, so I'm not going to go into detail. I'm a 42 year old man and it's taken me a long time to come around to the idea of adopting, but I've learned a lot about children along the way. In my opinion, you should definately tell your daughter the truth of her life. The earlier, the better. It will help her to adjust to any feelings she may have. Even more, she will not have the ability to fully comprehend this kind of relationship. This is a good thing. She will be able to adjust to it over time and will NOT hold you or your husband in contempt for refusing to trust in her at an early age.

[waiting4amiracle]

Hi Green,

Adoptive dad of a beautiful 13 month old girl here. DW and I just sat on a panel discussing many different aspects of adoption with couples who are considering adoption as their family growth option. During one of the discussions two adoptees, an adult and a 15 year old girl both shared they "always knew" they were adopted and can't even remember when they were first "told" they were adopted. They just always knew. Both admitted to feeling they were, in some ways, different from other kids because of it but, in general, had no regrets about knowing. They went on to say they each were glad they just "always knew" because finding out later in life could be quite disruptive and stir up feelings of distrust of their APs. Each spoke frankly to those couples considering adoption about not hiding the truth because it does eventually come out.

Even now we include a special prayer for our DD's birth mom, and we use her name and give thanks for her courage and choices which brough us together as a forever family. That's the way we're starting. it won't be until children are 6 or 7 that the true concept of adoption begins to take shape but at least by then it's a familiar topic.

I wish you the best and am here to listen....

[bprice215]

I say this again and again, no matter the circumstances honesty is always the best policy. Just Tell her, the sooner the better, it won't matter to her one bit. She'll feel cheated and lied to if she finds out on her on. Do you really want that?
bprice215

[greendragonfly1028]

My hesitation does stem from the fact that my husband is afraid that our daughter will treat him differently once she knows. My thoughts are that if we tell her while she is young enough to understand but not old enough to "rebel" then she will not change her view of him...Thank you for your advice.

[JustPeachy]

I think she's at a good age where you can start to gently broach this subject with her. I might pursue some counseling on the topic, to see how best to handle it, but I don't think your daughter will think any less of her dad, especially at the age she's at right now. If you wait until she's a teen or older, I can see where it would be much harder for her.

[greendragonfly1028]

That is definitely my line of thinking. My step-daughter is here for the summer and then my daughter starts at a new school so I hestitate too b/c of all the changes that are taking place in her life...Honestly, I guess those are just excuses to keep me from telling her. I am sure that I will always find some excuse if I let myself. But I have to wait until my step-daughter leaves. Which brings to mind another valid reason for telling her now, my step-daughter's mother knows that my hubby is not the father and she is one to certainly try to use that to her advantage. UGHHH, there are SO many variables in this situation...