My wife and I have 4 adopted children. 2 were adopted at birth and are doing terrific. The other 2 were adopted when they were adopted when they were 5 and 7. They are now 10 and 12. Both girls may have been abused by thier biological parents and maybe by the foster family they ended up in before we adopted. All of this was not disclosed to us as well as other medical information by social serviecs in CA.

Anyway the lst 5 years have been tough. However over the last 4 or 5 months things have become critical. The 12 year old - Jennifer has become increasingly violent and mean. She has threatend to kill my wife and my 16 year old daughter. I have had to put an alarm on her bedroom door so we will know if she leaves her room at night. We have several doctors and a social worker involved. She is on anti-depressive medication. She spent the last 6 weeks of 2002 in a menat facility here in WI. I am now in a position where I need to put the rest of my families safety as my # 1 priority. The police are a common "visitor" at our house.

Too be honest I am not sure wehre to trun or wht my options are.
I am not optimistic that the medication and medical attetion will help. Even the Dr said that she might get about 30% improvement in behavior via the meds. The 70% that is left is what concerns me. We are open to anything. At this juncture we would even consider having the adoption over-turned. Not sure if this is possbile. But I ahve to protect the rest of my family.

Any input, advise or direction to resources would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

[lucyjoy]

I answered you on another forum, but I wanted to add that someone else on this board said an adoption cannot be overturned in WI. Sorry.

[willbell]

Howtek - you may get some ideas and support from the following forum:
HelpWithDisruptinganAdoption@yahoogroups.com

[sunbug]

Have you read the book titled The Primal Wound By Nancy Newton Verrier yet? It may help to get to the source of her rage. As a recovered from most of the trauma/ therapied adoptee I was blown away by how it helped me to understand the tap root of much of what I was not able to acsess or define emotionaly.

It may be that you have read it, and she isn't receptive to you right now. Perhaps if you can send her a clear message that you really aren't abandoning her, but that she is scaring you into being protective of your other family members?

My heart goes out to all of you- providing Loving Leadership is a hard job in a family in crises, but if you can define that as a roll to empower yourself, you can turn the tide in time.
God grace you all.

P.S. having "hug ins" helps too.

[daisy4]

Howtek,
I saw your thread and wanted to reply, my situation was different, yet very similiar to yours. I have two biological daughter's and their father was very abusive towards both myself and my oldest daughter. We divorced when she was ten and by the time she was 12 every week that she was w/ me she was extremely violent! Threatening to kill myself, her younger sister or herself regularily. In addition, she would destroy property and attack in the car, which led me to be very concerned for all of our safety. Her Dad made everything more difficult by telling therapists and the like that I was the problem instead of coming to terms w/ what our abusive marriage had created. I finally was able to get the help I needed from a therapist who had experienced the same thing. She recommended a 6 week wilderness program in Idaho called SUWS.for extremely young and violent teens although most of them were boys. My daughter went and came home less violent which made it easier to deal w/ her issues and feel like we were not in danger. It has been a long haul the whole way through adolescence and she still has anger/management issues. The reason I'm writing you w/ all of this is to let you know that you are definately not alone! I found encouragement in that as I truly thought I was and was so embarrased as the police were often at my house to and the neighbors simply did not understand and were very judgemental. Hang in there, I know it's scary, but if you all get the right help you'll be better for it and you will help her to find love in a world she is angry at right now. I wish you the best... Daisy4

Well since the last time I posted thing have become much worse. Jennifer's behavior has really deteriorated. She has gone from a very good student to one who will be lucky to move on to the next grade. Simply because she has decided not to do any work. She has become increasingly violent, including beating up her biological sister who is 6 years younger and 50 pounds lighter, she pulled a knife on me (thought the knives were well hidden - boy was I wrong as she knew exactly where they were). She has probably punched me 100 times, destroyed property of hers and other family members, started to forge her mom's signature on school forms, hit a therapist, and on it goes. I have come to the conclusion that we are sacrificing the other 5 members of our family in an attempt to "help" Jennifer. I am very close to putting her into a treating foster home setting. Sad part is that if she does not turn things around, she will likely end up there until she is 18. At this point it just might be our only option. As all of the doctors, social workers and therapists have come to the conclusion that all of her issues are completely behavioral.

[lucyjoy]

I hope you have been calling the police and beating her younger sister could also have been hotlined as abuse. Will Wisconsin let you put her in a high level RTC for treetment or do they force you to give up costody? You cannot, and should not, live in a "war zone." Can you send her to a boot camp program for the summer while you figure out how to best deal with this situation?
We tried keeping our knives in a lock box, but my son can unlock most locks with his thumb. We threw them out. Has she been hospitalized? I know they won't keep them to long, but sometimes subsidy will buy you a 30 day evaluation(for your sanity, if nothing else).
I had some friend who got their church and family and friends to help pay for their son to go to a Christian based treetment center, Is that a possibility?
Everyone seems to agree that something needs to be done, so it's time to decide what. I'm not trying to be bossy, I'm just worried that someone is going to get seriously hurt or killed. Please, as hard as it is, your daughter will get sicker and everyone else is in danger. It's time to take some action.

lucyjoy

You are not bossy; you are on the same page as I am. She was hospitalized for 6 weeks. She loved it there. She was not there long enough to get beyond the honeymoon period so that the hospital could see there "real" Jennifer. We tried to have her hospitalized again after a violent outburst, But they only kept her there for 3 days because they said that she was not "ill" and that all of her issues were behavioral they basically said why is she here?

We are actively talking to Social Services about a "treating foster home" for her. We live in a small town (30,000 people) and this is the fist case of its type that Social Services has ever had to deal with. So it is a painful process. It looks like we can get her into the foster setting by filing a chips order, which would run up until she is 18. Her case would be reviewed every 6 months to see if she is fit to return home. If we do it I don not want her home until we are very sure that she is no longer a threat to the family, herself and others. We are now trying to figure out exactly what Social Services will charge us if we have her put into the Foster setting, right now it looks like that could be as much as 17% of our income! Ouch! We are looking to see if there are ways around this. Part of me says that I can move out of our home and take her with me; at least the rest of the family will be better off. But obviously that is not a good solution.

Andy yes we are on a first name basis with the local PD.

Thanks for the advice.

[rindava]

If what others say is true about Wisconsin, them perhaps you may try and get her home sending state involved in treatment and get her placed in California.

You may want to check out Dr. Bryan Post, or Nancy Thomas, but really it is probably too late for that with all the other kids in your home.

RAD really has nothing to do with the primal wound I think.....It is about have no control over your life at such a young age and then seeking it through other means.

But your babies are in danger and they should come first.

If they will not take her in the psy. ward, then the cops should do something with her.

These kids are not hopless all the time, but man do they ever need something different.

My son, not any where as close to being as bad off as your daughter, loved RTC living as well, There he had 3 shifts of staff to annoy, now he just has a hand full.

No really good answers.

Unfortunately the police will not do anything until she hurts someone. Beyond just punching, biting, etc. It is almost like someone has to be really hurt or worse. Thanks for the California idea, it is worth pursuing. Maybe they will pay for her foster treatment here. I am sure that they do not want her back on the California "payroll".

[lucyjoy]

If they're going to charge you 17% of your income, are they going to keep paying you adoption subsidy? (of course not, but they should) Ask them why her subsidy can't just follow her to pay for her care or at least reduce the amount you have to pay.

There is such a variation in what states will do. Peace might be worth the income. We've learned to live with a lot less and I really haven't missed it.

Let us know what happens. It's tuff to let a kid go, but tuffer to keep one when everyone else is in danger.

[shnoogiepoo]

Contact this company.. Your insurance will pay for it and I can tell you I kow the owners personally. They have a PERFECT tract record. They have high family values and the sucess rate is phenominal. Send her to them. Let them work with you and your insureance. You'll have to work with them though, you can't just send her out and expect her to come back a healthy kid, you'll have to be active participants but it is so worth it.

It is based out of Mesa Arizona

Anasazi
1424 S Stapley Dr Mesa, AZ 85204
(480) 892-7403

here is thier website

http://www.anasazi.org/

The mission of ANASAZI is to prepare parents and children to turn their hearts to one another and walk in harmony in the wilderness of the world

Let me know how it works out... You'll love them.

[sunbug]

I got nosy and looked at thier site- I was moved very deeply by the founders letter- It looks very promising for this hurting family, and I will share it with others I meet. I thought about you all a lot today- I hope so much for your overcoming this time of chalenge-
Best wishes

[shnoogiepoo]

I'm glad they touched your heart. Please pass the word along. I'd send my children to them in a heart beat if ever need be.

[sunbug]

Howtek- We're pullin for you!