[allmymutts]

About 5 years ago I found out my Mom had another daughter, who she had given up for adoption 31 years ago, when Mom was 16. This daughter decided to find my Mom, and was succesfull (even though it was a closed adoption?!) Untill she found my mom I never knew about this. It was the deep dark family secret, and my Grandma still refuses to talk to the girl.

My Mom and her have been working on a relationship ever since, though it hasn't progressed much. She says she holds no hard feelings toward my Mom.

The problem comes with my Mom and myself. Mom feels horrible about the choice "she" made (with the force of family) and blames herself for all of my "sisters" problems. The list is a long list of problems and screw ups. She didn't have the strongest adoptive family and went through a lot of issues. Mom is always blaming herself.

I don't know what to say, how to help. I personally can not stand this other girl. One minute she is in our lives, and the next she isn't. And the lies are plentifull, she can not get her stories straight. But yet I feel I should treat her as a "sister" and try to convince Mom that this girl isn't as screwed up as it appears.

I don't know what to do anymore. I hate it every time she comes to visit, especially when she brings her two children and doesn't have any control over them.

I got to get over this.

[jude4691]

Hi,
I think it is really good that you are wanting to find a way to try and make this relationship work-I know from experience how hard it can be.
Even though you are related you may have been brought up in very different ways and had very different life experiences.
I was reunited with my bfamily for 13 years and then it broke down.One of the issues was a disagreement over how I brought up my children-my bmum felt I was too lenient(I'm actually firmer than most).In retrospect I think it was hard on each side to know where the other was coming from as we only saw each other 3-4 times a year for about 4 hours at a time.If children have had a long journey they're not always on their best behavior and I felt I wanted to use the time talking to my mum, not policing every movement of the children. I know before i had children I was much more judgemental about other people's kids-it's only when you have them that you realise what hard work they can be.
As a mum I realise how special the number one position in the family is, so i wonder if you have some resentment that your position has been taken.At the end of the day you have a greater history with your mum than your sister does, and nothing will change that. There could be an element of you resenting you sister as the reunion has triggered a lot of painful feelings for your mum.
Your sister may well have a lot of difficult feelings herself, so she seems to dip in and out of your lives.
Hard as it is the past cannot be changed and each person has to be responsible for thier own life.There may be some issues that your mum and sister need to talk through about her adoption, and then those issues can be settled. She may have other issues that are in no way your mum's fault that she has to sort out with other people(maybe adoptive family).There could be other issues that are due to her own poor choices in life that she needs to address.
As an adoptee I would have loved to receive unconditional love from my bmum, but i think she was struggling with her own adoption issues and was not able to give that.
I do hope it works out for you all,
Jude

[Waiting4Skip]

I commend you for your efforts in trying to help your mom. I am sure this is a very confusing time for you as well, and the fact that you are thinking of your mother's needs says alot about you. I think the feelings you are having are normal, and I hope that YOU have people YOU can talk to about YOUR feelings.

I can't offer any person experience, but I pray your family will find some answers and the healing process begins...


Judy

[Waiting4Skip]

I commend you for your efforts in trying to help your mom. I am sure this is a very confusing time for you as well, and the fact that you are thinking of your mother's needs says alot about you. I think the feelings you are having are normal, and I hope that YOU have people YOU can talk to about YOUR feelings.

I can't offer any person experience, but I pray your family will find some answers and the healing process begins...


Judy

[allmymutts]

Thanks.
Once again she seems to have dropped out of our lives, and has left my Mom wondering if she's ok. Thanksgiving she was leaving to visit her adoptive parents in another state and was concerned about her babies daddy not letting her leave. We haven't heard from her since.

Unfortunetly, this is what we've become use to. Weekly visits, for a good 4 months and then gone the rest of the year. After five years of this my Mom is getting use to it, but still hasn't gotten use to the lies and drug issues. Maybe the next five years will get us use to those too.

thanks agian

[banjo]

hi there, why don't you put your post onto the adoptees boards and see if you can get some adoptees to help explain your sister's behaviour.

I'd stay it's a huge emotional rollercaoster for your mother and she's dealing with guilt etc. Try not to be judgemental of the sister - sounds like she's had a rough ride in life. Is there some other way you can find out she is still alive/OK when she "dsiappears" without having to contact her ie via the husband or an asibling? Or the aparents? That way your mother's fears can be regularly eased. lol

[ingodshands]

oooh your story is familiar.....

My birthmother left me and my siblings when we were young children, then went on to get married again and have another two daughters. Her family all knew about us as we were with our mother for a few years. But the two daughters she had after leaving us were never told about us until a few years ago. (When they were in their mid-twenties).

My birthmother spent a few years of promising to tell the two daughters about us, (we could not have a reunion otherwise, in case they found out).

After me pleading with her for about 6-7 yrs, to tell them, as it was impossible, I couldnt call, couldnt write, neither could she, just in case they found out, she finally told them. But then said to me, I will tell them, now dont ever contact me again! (Bearing in mind, my birthmother had already met two of my siblings, before she told her other two daughters) but not me.

All along she promised she would, but never. Then when she finally did, I got the blame. Now her and my two sisters that she told want nothing to do with me, or my siblings.

Your mom is welcoming your sister into your family. I know it must be really hard for you, not to have known all these years about her, then find out suddenly you have a sister you didnt know you had. Please try to be patient with your sister. This is all so emotional for her and your mom, they will need time and support to adjust. Your mom is probably going through a lot of feelings that she has had buried for years, and of course you want to protect her, that is perfectly normal, and admirable. You dont want to see your mom get hurt.

The same for your sister, she is going through a lot of emotions too right now. She probably feels like she has to compete for your moms attention when she is there. Maybe she can sense you are not too keen on her? She has problems that she needs to work through.

I really commend you for your patience, you are trying to understand. Keep trying, give support to your mom, and TRY to look past your sister's faults, and get to know her a little better, for who she really is, underneath.

One thing I want to add. I never ever wish any hurt on my two sisters that want no contact with me, or my birthmother. I just want to be accepted for who I am, their SISTER, and her DAUGHTER. Just to be acknowledged for who I am, and to be included in their life, if only partly, is all I have ever wanted.

This is probably how your sister feels. I am sure she doesnt intend to hurt anyone's feelings. She probably does not realise that she is upsetting your mom, with her comings and goings, and not keeping in touch. Maybe you could talk to her, one on one?

Good luck, keep in touch

Collette