[Josh5339]

The following are two poems I wrote, "I am a mistake" from a couple of days ago, and I just wrote "A Child Without a Home" tonight. There'll probably be more because a lot of emotions are coming to the forefront and as a writer - I always feel the need to write what I'm feeling.

I AM A MISTAKE

I am a mistake.

I was born.
I was abandoned.
I was lost.

I am a mistake.

Was it my fault?
Why did you leave me?
Why did you give me away?

I am a mistake.

Is it something I did?
Is it something inside me?
Am I something that can't be loved?

I am a mistake.

Drowned with fears of rejection
Suffocated with fears of being disowned.
I never had a home.

I am a mistake.

Hide, go into my shell.
Safety in isolation.
They'll discard me soon.
I know they will.

I am a mistake.

The moment I slip up,
I will be given away.
Must try to act human.
Must try to fit in.
Must not give them a reason to know.

I am a mistake.

People try to connect,
They're just acting.
Parents show their love,
They're just faking.
It's fragile.
It can break.
Everyone knows.

I am a mistake.

Fall into the darkness.
Fall into the pit of decline.
Lost.
Confused.
Identity Lost.

Who am I?
I have no past.
I have no parents.
I have no home.
How can I?

I am a mistake.

That's what I know they think.
Bastard.
Illegitimate.
Result of a mistake.
Never meant to be.

I am the mistake.

Mixed emotions.
Not knowing what's real.
Unable to face it.
Unable to see the real me.

I am a mistake.

Filled with rage,
it's a symptom to the madness.
The parting gift she gave me,
Fear of rejection.
Something's wrong with me,
There has to be.

I am a mistake.

Primal wounds open anew.
Searching the past.
Emotions flow.
Fears overshadow.
Answers with no face.

I am a mistake.

Shown love.
Proven loved.
Friends trusting.
Parents there.

Am I a mistake?

Pursuit.
Chosen.
Destiny.
Will.

Am I a mistake?

Prove them wrong.
Step up to the plate.
Show them.
Succeed.
Prove to them.

That I am not a mistake.

I'm not...

A CHILD WITHOUT A HOME

All these years I spent in silence.
Forging a forever pact to forgetfulness.
Hiding my feelings behind a mask.
Losing sight of her face.
Numb, I became.

Years passed.
Shadows danced.
Memories are triggered anew.

Confusing spirals in my head.

Love, hate.

Joy, sadness.

Inquisitive, fear.

A never ending maelstrom.

The primordial wound has opened a new.
Rendering a newborn child.
How can it be that all these feelings were lost to me?

Regress to the point that I can no longer suppress.
Scream your name out in vain and anger.
Crying to be held in your arms.
Mom, I need you now more than ever.

It's said a mother can sense it's child,
Can she feel what I am going through?

Stuck in a forever bond of silence,
Constructed by society.

The three way triangle set at birth.
The adoptee desperately wants the answers.
The adopters fear a sense of losing control.
The mother awaits to be the known.

Never felt so alone,
stuck in my misery.
My parents, they cannot heal these wounds.
If mentioned, deception they fear anew.

No answers.
No faces.
Just shadows.
Not a home.

Wondering along this road,
Lost Memories as I've been told.
Grieving that which was never known.

I am all alone.

Hopefully, someday,
I'll find, somewhere, deep inside,
A place to call my home.

[Dickons]

Incredible words, powerful words.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Josh5339]

WAITING FOR MY MOTHER SHIP

I am the unknown.

Sent here by my parents,
Crashing through the stars.

Landing on this planet,
afraid and alone.

Feeling so different in my skin,
An impostor among the human race.

A line is drawn, a distinction is made.

I am different.
I am an alien.

A cosmic cast away,
Searching the solar systems,
For a place I can call home.

So many questions I would ask,
Answers scattered across the stars.

Are they out there,
Watching over me,
From high above?

Waiting for my mother ship to arrive,
To welcome me in it's warm embrace.

For now, I sit here,
Watching the stars,
Forever wondering.

- The alien, living among humans.

----------------------

One note of interest additionally here is I'm a screenwriter, with an upcoming internship with Warner Brothers & a friend who's father is an academy award winner, I plan on making this notion into a teenage/adolescent drama. Although the protagonist believes he's an alien, he has no answers at all about his origins, which automatically separates it from such films as 'K-Pax' and 'Martian Child' nor will he have any peculiarities - just the feeling of being out of place.

[Christmas]

Oh my goodness, Josh, I have never read something so utterly beautiful and thrilling because of its content. I, a birthmother, have thought in These depths and these ideas to how an adoptee must really feel.. (if ever saying it in soo deep a way to themselves -). I have thought these same thoughts in such a creative way..but could never write it down. But, THANK YOU for your inexpressible and 'filmatographic' way, of putting in print what I have Thought in my head of what an adoptee has felt like in the depths of their utter soul.

It must be the primal wound 'instinct' (I have never read the book)...that I instinctively feel and think when I think of all the POSSIBLE rhealms of how my dear daughter might, must feel. If what you explain here IS the true heart and soul of an adoptee (at their depths)...then I AM SORRY--and I will speak for birthmothers--all of us..for all I'VE DONE. I could never make up to my daughter, if what you write is the truest feeling of adoptees. I have always regretted my decision and have searched the deepest parts of me to 'understand' JUST how it might be for her.

I feel what you feel. I understand what you say. I have thought in great depths these same feelings you express (concerning my daughter)...that you SHARE. I don't even know you but YET, I DO. I have thought and FELT for my daughter these same feelings.

You have left me aghast. I am left almost breathless with what you've written. And,...I just have to say...We as your MOTHERS LOVE YOU. Thank you for YOUR LIFE!

GODSPEED great love and success in your life. You are Rich exponentially and priceless.

[Josh5339]

Thanks for your comment and support. Having spent a while to discover a premise that would work I stumbled upon two films that really played a large role in my past: "Star Wars" and "Disney's Hercules." Hercules has always been my form of fantasizing where I come from and who I can become. My form of becoming someone is someone in the Hollywood circles. The film will hopefully come out in four to six years, it takes a while to get things off the ground but it seems twenty-five is the key age.

The following two parts of the film really serve as the jumping off narrative emotional arc inspiration:

Hercules Prt. 2

Hercules Prt. 3

Growing up this was always my favorite Disney song, only recently after realizing where all these feelings come from did I recognize how telling it is of being an adoptee:

I have often dreamed
Of a far off place
Where a hero's welcome
Would be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I'm meant to be

I'll be there someday
I can go the distance
I will find my way
If I can be strong
I know ev'ry mile
Will be worth my while
When I go the distance
I'll be right where I belong

Down an unknown road
To embrace my fate
Though the road may wander
It will lead me to you
And a thousand years
Would be worth the wait
It may take a lifetime
But somehow I'll see it through

And I won't look back
I can go the distance
And I'll stay on track
No I won't accept defeat
It's an uphill slope
But I won't lose hope
Till I go the distance
And my journey is complete

But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
For a hero's strength is measured by his heart

Like a shooting star
I can go the distance
I will search the world
I will face its harms
I don't care how far
I can go the distance
TillI find my hero's welcome
Waiting in your arms...

I will search the world
I will face its harms
TillI find my hero's welcome
Waiting in your arms...

[SoniaRose]

As an adoptee, I have found my own personal meaning in many songs over the years. Even though my kids are grown, I still listen to Disney music.

I'm sure you've realized that most of the heroes and heroines of the Disney cartoons have no mother. You also mentioned Star Wars, and there again, Luke does not grow up with his natural parents; in the end, he is re-united with his sister (and his dad in spirit smiles on them).

Good luck with your screenplay/script. The adoptee as alien, I like it...

[Josh5339]

THE COUNTERFEIT SON

Looking in the mirror,
Who is looking back at me?

The photographs display happiness,
A child wrapped in his home.

That is me,
But in reality it can never be.

I am an imposter.

The counterfeit son,
Forever yearning to be real.

But the dream never comes,
Only the nightmares remain.

The puppet made of wood.
The rabbit made of velvet.
Just waiting to live, waiting to be free.

Normality is all the boy seeks,
Feeling grounded in a world he can call his own.

But, it can never be,
There isn’t a home.

Doomed forever,
The disgrace of abnormality.

--------------------------------

I just got finished watching the episode of a television series that seriously warped my mind of thinking and brought numerous fears to the surface. Fears I never thought I had. I looked at family photographs of when I was small and couldn't relate at all to the face looking back at me. My mind was telling me, "you don't belong here, you never belonged here, you're not really their son, you're an impostor, you'll never be normal!"

Eventually I was somewhat able to fight those emotions from taking control, but it was almost like being broken down to gain way for becoming possessed - suffice to say it was really scary. Thus, this poem is probably the most disturbing thing I've written to date.

I have read though that at times adoptees can feel like impostors in their own families, this was the first time I ever felt that and it really scared me. Almost felt like the "shadow self" was starting to possess me.

[Josh5339]

THE DREAM

The dream,
That may or may never come.

The perfect union,
In a single reunion.

Answers found,
Parents and child reunited.

A child of both worlds,
Breathing new life.

A shattered glass painting,
Made whole.

The love of two families,
United in perfect harmony.

Both united for the good of one,
Their shared pride and joy.

The dream,
That may or may never come.

Two hearts,
One family.

------------------------------------

In a world where everything turns out right, my one hope is that I can find my parents and that when I do both my birth parents and adopted parents can find common grounds, a union of two. Two hearts. One family.

[Josh5339]

You'll Always be my Mom

I may never see your face,
But the memories I will never erase.

You gave me life,
You gave me a life.

On this day I ponder,
The many years we could have had together,
Wrapped in your warm embrace.

I wonder are you thinking about me,
As readily as I am always thinking of you.

You made the hardest choice a Mom could make,
I wish that sometimes when I'm awake,
I could just see your face.

I love you Mom,
I hope you know,
That I'll never forget.

The one gift you gave me,
A home, a life, capable parents,
You made the hardest choice a mother could make.

I wish you could see the man I am today,
I wish I could say that I have made you proud.
I wish I could tell you everything on my mind.

My fears, my worries, my doubts,
My dreams, my aspirations, my life.

Forever grateful,
Forever yours.

Wherever you are,
I will forever love you Mom.

- Your son.

Thank you.

[Daveb2]

Originally Posted by Josh5339

You'll Always be my Mom

I may never see your face,
But the memories I will never erase.

You gave me life,
You gave me a life.

On this day I ponder,
The many years we could have had together,
Wrapped in your warm embrace.

I wonder are you thinking about me,
As readily as I am always thinking of you.

You made the hardest choice a Mom could make,
I wish that sometimes when I'm awake,
I could just see your face.

I love you Mom,
I hope you know,
That I'll never forget.

The one gift you gave me,
A home, a life, capable parents,
You made the hardest choice a mother could make.

I wish you could see the man I am today,
I wish I could say that I have made you proud.
I wish I could tell you everything on my mind.

My fears, my worries, my doubts,
My dreams, my aspirations, my life.

Forever grateful,
Forever yours.

Wherever you are,
I will forever love you Mom.

- Your son.

Thank you.

There you go, you got it in a few words.

Wherever you are
I will forever love you Mom.

Thats the way i have felt all my life

[spitfirema2009]

don't ever feel that you are or were a mistake as a birth mom i know first hand that sometimes that an unplanned pregnancy happens but that dosen't mean that we don't love our baby sometimes we feel that in order for you children to have the life we want you to have we must set aside our own feelings and wants to make the hardest decission of our lives and that is to give you up so that you can have everything we can't give you but you are never forgotten or unloved it's out of this love that we decide to give you up. some times we are forced to give you up even though we don't want to by parents and i'm sure your mother loved you very much and i hope one day she gets a chance to tell you just how much. from a birth mother